On Romantic Love: Simple Truths about a Complex Emotion

289 Pages·2015·2.2 MB·English

by  Berit Brogaard

ON ROMANTIC LOVE
PHILOSOPHY IN ACTION
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On Romantic Love: Simple Truths about a Complex Emotion
Berit Brogaard
ON ROMANTIC LOVE
Simple Truths about a Complex Emotion
Berit Brogaard
1
3
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Brogaard, Berit.
On romantic love : simple truths about a complex emotion / Berit Brogaard.
pages cm. — (Philosophy in action)
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-0-19-937073-3 (hardcover : alk. paper) 1. Love. I. Title.
BD436.B755 2015
128'.46—dc23 2014017757
9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Printed in the United States of America
on acid-free paper
I was afraid of losing him. Now I am afraid of forgetting him.
I try to hold onto him, the little I have left. I can still see his con-
tours but I can’t see his face. Sometimes I imagine that he turns
around and walks away. The door shuts closed. Then everything
gets dark. I never want that to happen.
—zoe
There is always some madness in love. But there is also always
some reason in madness
—friedrich nietzsche (“On Reading and Writing”)

CONTENTS
Preface xi
Acknowledgments xv
1. Dangerous Liaisons: Letter from a Friend 1
2. Gravitation Is Not Responsible for People Falling in Love:
The Chemistry of Love 12
Your Brain on Crack 14
Beliefs and Brain Chemistry 16
Taking the Drug Away 20
Addicted to Grief 24
Emotional Pain 29
Stress, Pimples, and Gray Hair 32
Love and Hate 34
3. I Have Feelings Too: The Philosophy of Love 38
Love as an Emotion 38
Basic and Complex Emotions 44
Is Love a Bodily Sensation? 46
Uniting Body and World 59
Strange Connections 65
Emotional Responses to Fiction 66
Perceived Responses 68
4. Hopelessly Devoted To You: Irrational Love 73
Does the Idea of Irrational Love Make Sense? 76
You Call It Madness, I Call It Love 82
Irrational Compassionate Love 84
viii Contents
The Transcendent View of Love 87
Love as a History 91
Personal Identity and the Value of Our Beloveds 96
Is Love Unconditional? 99
5. Why Was I Holding onto Something that Would Never
Be Mine? Relationships and Love Attachment 102
Secure versus Insecure Attachment 102
Childish Relationships 106
Avoidant Attachment 107
Anxious Attachment 109
Familiar Love 113
Jealousy and Anxious Attachment 121
Avoidance and Love as a History 130
Can Attachment Styles Change? 133
Attachment Love 135
Can Animals Love? 137
6. Sometimes the Heart Sees What Is Invisible to the Eye:
Unconscious Love 143
Opponents of Unconscious Affection 144
Unconscious Affect 147
Two Emotional Pathways 152
Unconscious Love 154
In Your Dreams 158
Is Love a Disposition? 161
7. He’s Just Not That into You: And Other in-between
Cases of Love 165
Prototypes 166
“Love” Is Gradable 169
He’s Just Not That Into You 173
Love and Ambivalence 176
Contents ix
8. I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That):
Love and Sex 181
Non-Monogamous Love as In-Between Cases 181
Love and Casual Sex 187
The Other Dimension of Sex 190
9. Un-Break My Heart: How to Fall Out of Love 193
Never Mind Searching for Who You Are. Search for the
Person You Aspire to Be 195
Psychoanalysis and Talk Therapy 200
Emotional Regulation and Avoidance Behavior 202
The Repetition Technique 206
Prolonged Exposure Therapy 208
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing 214
Deep Relaxation and Meditation 215
Heartbreak and Placement Conditioning 217
The Sinclair Method 219
Out, Damned Spot: Using Soap to Wash Away Your Negative
Feelings 220
10. Happiness Is Love. Full Stop: Love, Marriage, and the Pursuit
of Happiness 223
Emotional Regulation as a Route to Happiness 224
Negative Thinking as a Path to Happiness? 225
Marriage and Happiness 229
Love and Happiness 231
Sometimes the Heart Wants What It Wants: The End 234
Notes 239
Bibliography 247
Index 265