Not All Black Girls Know How to Eat: A Story of Bulimia

258 Pages·2009·1.02 MB·English

by  Stephanie Covington Armstrong

HEALTH / AFRICAN AMERICAN
“Armstrong’s perspective . . . will go a long way toward breaking down the myths about eat-
ing disorders that are preventing so many, many people of color from seeking the treatment
they need.”
—Aimee Liu, author of Gaining: The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders
“Harrowing and compelling . . . a long-overdue look at eating disorders among African Ameri-
can women . . . a gripping read [with] universal appeal.”
—Stephen McCauley, author of The Object of My Affection
“The sooner we . . . confront all of the issues—like food addiction, depression, and sexual
abuse—that keep us hurting and hiding, the sooner we can begin to heal. Armstrong’s book
is an answer to millions of black women’s prayers.”
— Meri Nana-Ama Danquah,
author of Willow Weep for Me: A Black Woman’s Journey Through Depression
“Hurrah for a woman bold enough to throw open the closet door and tell the truth about her
relationship with food.”
—Hill Harper, actor, CSI: NY, and author of Letters to a Young Brother
“Armstrong’s intimate account of her battles with eating disorders shatters many longstand-
ing myths and opens a space for those who have been silent for so long to speak . . . and be
heard.”
—Jaime Pressly, actress, My Name is Earl, and author of It’s Not Necessarily Not the Truth

With a childhood defined by poverty, hunger, foster care, and sexual abuse,
Stephanie Covington Armstrong does not fit the stereotype of a woman
with an eating disorder. In this insightful and moving first-person narrative,
Armstrong describes her struggle as a black woman with a disorder that
is consistently portrayed as a white woman’s problem. Stephanie tries to
escape her self-hatred and her food obsession by never slowing down, un-
aware that she is caught in a downward spiral emotionally, spiritually, and
physically. Finally, she can no longer deny that she will die if she doesn’t
get help, overcome her shame, and conquer her addiction to using food as
a weapon against herself.
Stephanie Covington Armstrong is a playwright and screenwriter living in Los Angeles. Her
commentary on black women and eating disorders, “Digesting the Truth,” was featured on
NPR. She has written for Essence, Sassy, Mademoiselle, and Venice magazines, among other
publications.
$16.95 (CAN $18.95)
ISBN 978-1-55652-786-9
51695
9 781556 527869
Not All Black Girls Know How to Eat
(cid:66)(cid:33)(cid:84)(cid:117)(cid:112)(cid:115)(cid:122)(cid:33)(cid:112)(cid:103)(cid:33)(cid:67)(cid:118)(cid:109)(cid:106)(cid:110)(cid:106)(cid:98)
Stephanie Covington Armstrong
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Covington Armstrong, Stephanie.
Not all Black girls know how to eat : a story of bulimia / Stephanie
Covington Armstrong.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-1-55652-786-9 (pbk.)
1. Covington Armstrong, Stephanie—Health.
2. Covington Armstrong, Stephanie—Mental health.
3. Covington Armstrong, Stephanie—Childhood and youth.
4. Bulimia—United States—Case studies. 5. Bulimia—
Patients—United States—Biography. 6. African American
women—Biography. 7. African American women—Mental
health—Case studies. 8. African American families—New York
(State)—New York. 9. Bedford-Stuyvesant (New York, N.Y.)—
Biography. 10. New York (N.Y.)—Biography.
I. Title.
RC552.B84C68 2009
616.85’2630092--dc22
[B] 2009007354
Cover design: TG Design
Front cover photos: Stephanie Covington Armstrong as a young girl
courtesy of the author; lower photo by Thomas Northcut/
Photodisc/ Getty Images
Back cover photo: courtesy of Roger Ericksen
Interior design: Pamela Juárez
© 2009 by Stephanie Covington
All rights reserved
Published by Lawrence Hill Books
An imprint of Chicago Review Press, Incorporated
814 North Franklin Street
Chicago, Illinois 60610
ISBN 978-1-55652-786-9
Printed in the United States of America
5 4 3 2 1
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To Zoë, who taught me how to be a mother;
and to my sisters, Cecilia, who couldn’t bear the pain
of childhood and chose a lifetime of addiction instead,
and Renee, who has always loved me unconditionally;
and to my mother, who grew up right alongside us.
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Contents
A Note from the Author vii
Eating . . . ix
PART ONE: BEFORE
A Hungry Childhood 3
Returning Home 7
Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn 23
Monster in the Family 39
Father’s Day 47
Missing Mommy 57
A Communist Among Us 63
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The Trouble with Puberty 81
Tragedies 93
PART TWO: DURING
On My Own 107
Losing It 115
Hollywood, California 123
What Goes Down Must Come Up 135
Manorexic 151
New York 161
Location, Location, Location 177
Dating for Doughnuts 189
Resistance Is Futile 195
PART THREE: AFTER
Giving Up the Fight 209
The Inward Journey 225
On Solid Ground 233
Acknowledgments 239
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A Note from the
Author
Th is is my story. It is not a how-to book on recovery or a love
letter to any one program or practice. Th is is simply the truth
about my journey and what worked for me as I navigated the
road from food addiction to recovery. I know of many hospital
programs and inpatient recovery programs that work miracles,
but I did not have the fi nancial means or the health insurance
to be able to aff ord those. Nor would I have trusted specialists
to help me. But that has more to do with where I come from
than with their abilities. For a long time, allowing myself to
become dependent on therapists and other professionals was
foreign to me and, even worse, shameful. I had to grow up and
learn to leave behind my ignorant beliefs that as a black woman
I needed to suff er in silence, that somehow my legacy of strong,
independent ancestors did not allow me to lean on anyone out-
side my community. Th ese beliefs swallowed me up and sepa-
rated me from the very people who would have been able to
help me. But that was something I learned along the way.
vii
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viii A Note from the Author
I am an addict; my drug of choice was food. Th is book is
for people who have suff ered themselves or who know someone
suff ering. And for those who wake up every Monday morning
ready to start a new miracle diet and yet do not know that their
lives are controlled by their relationship to food. Th ere are so
many forms of eating disorders and disordered eating on the
spectrum, and unfortunately many people are unaware of how
deeply these disorders can aff ect their lives.
My problems with food disintegrated into full-blown, text-
book eating disorders, and they had nothing to do with vanity.
Bulimia and anorexia are painful states of isolation and depres-
sion; they are not quick ways to stay skinny. Th ese are not dis-
eases that I could live with while maintaining sanity.
Everybody deserves a chance to live an addiction-free life. For
me, as for others, it isn’t easy, nor is there a rule book to follow. If
there were, I would have already broken each and every rule.
Th is story takes place from my birth until the age of twenty-
seven. Th e years I spent in my addiction were the longest, most
painful, and most self-loathing imaginable. But without buli-
mia I would have never been forced to take an inward journey,
to get to know myself and heal the wounds of my childhood.
For that I am grateful.
If you catch glimpses of yourself in the pages of this book
or if you see similarities to someone you love, I believe it is
because even though every person struggling with an eating
disorder is unique, there are universal similarities in our sto-
ries. Millions of people struggle with weight and food issues,
and the diet industry is a billion-dollar business fostering the
message that thinness is the only way to fi nd lasting happi-
ness and love. Th at was a hidden belief of mine, one that kept
me imprisoned in my addiction, striving for unattainable body
perfection. I desperately needed one area of my life to control,
and naively I believed food was the part that would be easy, but
I was wrong. I hope that by reading this book, you will fi nd
options to give you the strength to live one more day absti-
nently, free of food or body obsession.
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Eating . . .
Grabbing a handful of long rope braids, I pull them back so
they don’t swing into my face. Taking my index and middle fi n-
gers from my other hand, I shove them deep down my throat. I
force hearty chunks of food, then more food, then greenish bile,
to surge forward into the toilet, intent on emptying the con-
tents of my stomach. Tapeworm-length reconstituted dough-
nuts come up fi rst, then vanilla mocha swirl ice cream–covered
cereal. Th e popcorn I just ate heaves forward followed by the
majority of two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but they
don’t reemerge in their entirety, and I begin to panic. My heart
races. I am anxious; fear consumes me. Like a zombie, I march
into the kitchen, hurriedly scoop more ice cream into a bowl,
then shovel it in my mouth, coating my throat for the abuse
ahead. I retrieve the residual box of doughnuts tossed into the
bottom of the garbage, covered with newspapers, empty juice
boxes, and old food. I had stuff ed them deep into the garbage
to deter myself from another binge. Clearly, it didn’t work.
Polishing off the ice cream and doughnuts, I search the
fridge, a desperate scavenger, seeking other sweet, purge-
ix
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