New Families, Old Scripts: A Guide to the Language of Trauma And Attachment in Adoptive Families

254 Pages·2006·0.21 MB·English

by  Caroline Archer

New Families, Old Scripts
bythesameauthors
Trauma,AttachmentandFamilyPermanence
FearCanStopYouLoving
EditedbyCarolineArcherandAlanBurnellforFamilyFutures
ForewordbyDanielA.Hughes
ISBN1843100215
FirstStepsinParentingtheChildWhoHurts
TiddlersandToddlers,SecondEdition
CarolineArcher
AdoptionUK
ISBN1853028010
NextStepsinParentingtheChildWhoHurts
TykesandTeens
CarolineArcher
AdoptionUK
ISBN1853028029
of relatedinterest
ReachingtheVulnerableChild
TherapywithTraumatizedChildren
JanieRymaszewskaandTerryPhilpot
ForewordbyMaryWalsh,Co-founderandChief ExecutiveofSACCS
ISBN184310329X
TheChild’sOwnStory
LifeStoryWorkwithTraumatizedChildren
RichardRoseandTerryPhilpot
ForewordbyMaryWalsh,Co-founderandChief ExecutiveofSACCS
ISBN1843102870
FosteringNow
MessagesfromResearch
IanSinclair
ForewordbyTomJeffreys,DirectorGeneral,Children,FamiliesandYoungPeopleDirectorate,DfES
ISBN1843103621
ConnectingwithKidsthroughStories
UsingNarrativestoFacilitateAttachmentinAdoptedChildren
DeniseB.Lacher,ToddNicholsandJoanneC.May
ISBN184310797X
ASafePlaceforCaleb
AnInteractiveBookforKids,Teens,andAdultswithIssuesofAttachment,Griefand
Loss,orEarlyTrauma
KathleenA.CharaandPaulJ.Chara,Jr.
IllustrationsbyJ.M.Berns
ISBN1843107996
New Families, Old Scripts
A Guide to the Language of Trauma
and Attachment in Adoptive Families
Caroline Archer and Christine Gordon
Foreword by Alan Burnell
Jessica Kingsley Publishers
London and Philadelphia
Firstpublishedin2006
byJessicaKingsleyPublishers
116PentonvilleRoad
LondonN19JB,UK
and
400MarketStreet,Suite400
Philadelphia,PA19106,USA
www.jkp.com
Copyright©CarolineArcherandChristineGordon2006
Forewordcopyright©AlanBurnell2006
Coverillustrationcopyright©AndrewGordon2006
Reprintedtwicein2006
TherightofCarolineArcherandChristineGordontobeidentifiedasauthorsofthisworkhasbeen
assertedbytheminaccordancewiththeCopyright,DesignsandPatentsAct1988.
Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproducedinanymaterialform(including
photocopyingorstoringitinanymediumbyelectronicmeansandwhetherornottransientlyor
incidentallytosomeotheruseofthispublication)withoutthewrittenpermissionofthecopyright
ownerexceptinaccordancewiththeprovisionsoftheCopyright,DesignsandPatentsAct1988or
underthetermsofalicenceissuedbytheCopyrightLicensingAgencyLtd,90TottenhamCourt
Road,London,EnglandW1T4LP.Applicationsforthecopyrightowner’swrittenpermissionto
reproduceanypartofthispublicationshouldbeaddressedtothepublisher.
Warning:Thedoingofanunauthorisedactinrelationtoacopyrightworkmayresultinbothacivil
claimfordamagesandcriminalprosecution.
LibraryofCongressCataloginginPublicationData
ACIPcatalogrecordforthisbookisavailablefromtheLibraryofCongress
Archer,Caroline,1948-
Newfamilies,oldscripts:aguidetothelanguageoftraumaandattachmentinadoptivefamilies/
CarolineArcherandChristineGordon,forewordbyAlanBurnell.
p.cm.
Includesbibliographicalreferencesandindex.
ISBN-13:978-1-84310-258-8(pbk.:alk.paper)
ISBN-10:1-84310-258-7(pbk.:alk.paper) 1. Adoptiveparents--Handbooks,manuals,etc.2.
Parenting--Handbooks,manuals,etc.3. Problemchildren--Handbooks,manuals,etc. I.Gordon,
Christine.II.Title.
HV875.A6822006
649'.145--dc22
2005035139
BritishLibraryCataloguinginPublicationData
ACIPcataloguerecordforthisbookisavailablefromtheBritishLibrary
ISBN-13:9781843102588
ISBN-10:1843102587
ISBNpdfeBook:1846424828
PrintedandboundinGreatBritainby
AthenaeumPress,Gateshead,TyneandWear
Caroline Archer:
I dedicate this work to my husband whose quiet, rock-like
character allowed me to experience a truly ‘secure base’ and learn
to explore; and subsequently to my four adopted children, for
allowing me to share their early hurts and ongoing struggles.
Between them they have shown me most of
what I needed to know.
Christine Gordon:
Dedicated to my mum, who gave me the security and stability that
she never had in her childhood. Mum, in doing so you taught me
the power of love and also that change is possible.
Acknowledgments
WearegratefultoAlan Burnell andJayVaughan,co-directorsatFamilyFutures
Consortium,fortheirencouragementindevelopingthisguidefromplanningstage
throughtocompletion.Theirbeliefandsupporthasbeeninvaluable.Ourthanks,
too, go to Griselda Kellie-Smith (also of Family Futures) for reading and
commentingonoureffortssocogentlyandtoCharlotteChan(nowpartofFamily
Futures’ support team for families) for painstakingly untangling many of our
last-minutemanuscriptknots.Inaddition, wethankSteveJones,commissioning
editoratJessicaKingsleyPublishers,forbelievinginusandstickingwithusover
‘thelonghaul’and‘theshorteroverhaul’.
Special mention must be made of all the friends, colleagues, parents and
children who have contributed so much to our understanding over the years.
We have gained immeasurably from the persistence, courage, humour and
determinationofsomanyadoptivefamilies:theyhavecertainlybeenourbest
teachers! We are also indebted to Adoption UK (formerly PPIAS) whose
backinginitiallyenabledustoattendtrainingeventsonattachmentandtrauma,
bothathomeandabroad,andsetusontrack.Finally,weoweagreatdebtof
gratitudetoDrDanielHughesforhisopennessandgroundbreakingapproach
to psychotherapeutic work with troubled children and families. Dan is now
trainingconsultanttoFamilyFutures,flyinginregularlyfromMainetokeepus
on our toes!
Thishasbeen,andcontinuestobe,anexcitingandcollaborativejourney:
we hope readers will join us as we meander through some of the complex
bywaysofadoptivefamilylife.Pleasedon’trushtocompletethejourneyinone
go.Useourguideasyouwouldanytravelguide:choosingtheareasyou’dmost
liketovisitandsharingthemwithcolleagues,familyorfriends.Taketimeto
rest and reflect along the way, remembering that it’s the journey that’s
important, not the final destination.
Contents
FOREWORDBYALANBURNELL 9
ANINTRODUCTIONTOTHELANGUAGEOFTRAUMAANDPARENT
MENTORING 11
INTRODUCINGTHEFAMILIES 19
Alphabet of Issues
Accent on change: Jemima Crackit and the new family script 29
Aggressive and angry behaviour 32
Attention seeking/attention needing 50
Basic building blocks of the brain 57
Bedtime and sleep 62
Control issues 71
Cracking the code: Jemima Crackit and Panicchio develop
a shared language 80
Cradling for closeness and comfort 83
Critical connections 86
Dealing with danger 91
Dissociative connections 100
Dissociative states 104
Eating and food issues 112
Emotional outbursts 129
F is for feelings, not just ‘fight, flight and freeze’ 136
F1 kids: Fast forward 148
Games to encourage attachment 150
‘Good’ child (or am I being ‘good enough’?) 152
Impact on adoptive parents of living with violent
and threatening behaviour 159
Looking after ourselves 164
Managing separations 166
‘No’: When parents say ‘no’ 173
Nutrition 175
Putting it all behind us: Those ‘need to know’ questions
(Why, How, Who, What?) 178
Puzzling pain responses 184
Reassurance or validation? 189
Rivalry between siblings 191
Rudeness and swearing 196
Self-regulation (managing arousal) 205
Sensory issues 209
Sexualised behaviour 212
Taking, borrowing, stealing? 219
Terrible shame 229
Think toddler think (T3) 231
What not to do! 236
Your way forward: Final reflections 239
REFERENCES,RECOMMENDEDREADINGANDRESOURCES 241
INDEX 247
Foreword
Currently,greatemphasisisplacedonrecruitingadoptiveparents,inorderto
increase the number of children, at present accommodated, who would
benefit from the permanency of adoption. This is an important and worthy
directionforsocialpolicytotake.Perhapsthemostimportantlessonwehave
learnedatFamilyFutures,bothfromexperienceandfromadoptionliterature,
isthatpost-adoptionsupportisthevitaldeterminantof placementoutcome.
Recentadoptionsupportagencylegislationrepresentsrecognitionatgovern-
mentalleveloftheimportanceofsupportingadoptivefamiliesintothefuture.
Since children placed for adoption today are older and more challenging,
with a wider range of attachment difficulties and unresolved early traumas
thanpreviously,parentingtheseyoungstersrequiresmorethanendlesslove,
good intentions and commitment.
That‘somethingelse’,Ibelieve,isspecificparenteducationandsupport
for adopters from experienced adoptive parents who can empathise and
identifywiththeirstruggles.Parentsarenotonlythemostpreciousresource
societyhasforadoptedchildren,theycanmakethedifferencebetweenlives
overshadowedbycrime,prostitution,drugaddictionormentalillnessandthe
integrationofvulnerablechildrenintosocietyashealthilyfunctioningadults.
Inmyviewtheroleofparentmentoras‘guideandinterpreter’foradoptersis
the key to the future of a successful and effective adoption service in the
twenty-first century.
The model for today’s adoption service is an integrated, multi-
disciplinarypre-andpost-adoptionspecialistservice.Childrenbeingplaced
foradoptiontodayhavemultipleneeds:neurophysiological,socio-emotional
andpsychological:theirparentsneedaccesstoexpertservicestohelpaddress
theseissues.However,parentsremaintheprimaryagentsofchangefortheir
youngsters.The‘structure,nurture,engagementandchallenge’(Jernbergand
Booth 2001) they offer to their adopted children is the vital conduit for
9