Table Of ContentNarcissistic Personality Disorder
How to Spot the Subtle Signs of a
Narcissist and Continue to Thrive After
an Encounter
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Table of Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1 - The Basics of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
Why It’s So Hard to Heal
The Narcissist’s Grip
The Feeling of Guilt
The Lack of Support
The Influence of Mainstream Media
The Unacknowledged Truth
The Cornerstones of Healing
Understanding the Truth about Narcissists
Ruminating the Past
Maintaining Your Distance
Chapter 2 - The Narcissist Archetype
The Subtle Signs of Narcissism
Not a Single Bad Shot
Aversion to Correction
A Loud Voice That Demands to Be Heard
The Need to Please and Flatter
Damned Either Way
Narcissistic Behavior Patterns
Gaslighting
Smear Campaign
Abuse by Proxy
Spotting a Narcissist in the Real World
A Pleasing Personality
…Only When It’s Necessary
When No One’s Looking
Successful Yet Exaggerated
Chapter 3 - How They Come to Be
Narcissistic Parents
A Faulty Way to See the World
Fueled by Outsiders
Your Role in the Narcissist’s Life
Chapter 4 - The Aftermath
Understanding Your Feelings
Guilt
Isolation
Disbelief
Dealing with Your Abuser
Vacate All Venues for Communication
Stop Updating Yourself on Their Life
Ruminate the Truth
Keep Yourself Preoccupied
When Push Comes to Shove
How NOT to Handle a Narcissist
Telling Other People about the Narcissist
Taking Them to a Therapist
Chapter 5 - When Tendencies Stick
How to Erase the Narc’s Effects
Be Mindful
Learn to Accept Others’ Advantages
Erase the Aggression
Chapter 6 - Coping with Outsiders Looking In
The Struggle of Isolation
All the Wrong Reasons
Chapter 7 - Focusing on You
Avoiding Distractions
On the Road to Recovery
Write a Journal
Find a New Circle of Friends
Don’t Rush Yourself
Don’t Apologize for the Narc
Discovering Your Inner Child
Enjoy Your Own Company
Set Boundaries
Special Situations - Can I Stay?
The Narcissistic Spouse
The Narcissistic Parent
Forged in Fire
A Pleasant Surprise
Conclusion
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Introduction
You’ve been through enough, and now, it’s time to heal. It might have taken you
a while, but you’re here and you’re on your way to a fuller, happier life, away
from the abuse. So, take a deep breath, smile, and give yourself a pat on the
back. It definitely wasn’t easy.
Being the victim of a narcissist can be draining, exhausting, and painful. For
many, the abuse can span years without resolve, making it harder and harder to
escape the situation with each passing day. Unfortunately, the longer you stay
with a narcissist, the deeper you fall into their trap, becoming more and more
entangled in their web as they continue to tighten their grip around your neck.
But if you’re reading this now, then that means you’ve already been through the
toughest part, and that’s something to be proud of. Many of those who suffer
through narcissistic relationships claim that it feels like being stuck in a vicious
cycle – the abuser controls your thoughts, you’re programmed to please them,
and the toxicity of the relationship is concealed by blaming you for every little
thing that goes wrong. So yes, finally making the decision to just leave is
something to celebrate.
So, what happens now? What happens after you’ve left? How do you deal with
these feelings of guilt, shame, and sadness? What are you supposed to do if you
feel like it’s better to go back, apologize, and become a cog in the narcissist’s
system once more? What if you want them back in your life?
What happens now?
While the hardest part of the process is leaving, healing after parting ways with a
narcissist can be nearly as difficult. The mechanisms they put in place might still
be in operation, making it hard for you to see the abuse for what it really was.
Although it might be tough and although you might feel like there’s no end to
the pain and guilt, you’d be relieved to learn that healing is possible.
And it becomes even more of a reality when you follow guides like this.
If it’s any consolation, you should know that you’re not the first to have gone
through narcissistic abuse. Countless others before you have seen the hurt,
betrayal, and sadness, and they’ve recovered from the years of mistreatment to
become better, fuller, happier people with fulfilling relationships and a greater
sense of self-worth.
What you need to know is that that is something you can have, too.
So, if you’re stuck at a crossroads, you’re not sure where to go, and you’re still
struggling with pain from years of being forced to back down and depend on
others to show you your worth, then now is the time.
Let’s start your journey towards the happiest years of your life.
Chapter 1 - The Basics of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and
affection.”
- Sharon Salzberg
You were convinced that it would be better for you. You believed you would
feel free. You thought you would be able to take the pain. So why is it so
difficult? Why does the hurt seem to have made a home in your heart and your
mind? Why do you feel even more trapped than ever?
Needless to say, healing from a narcissistic relationship might not follow the
same process that other separations do. There are certain factors that can make it
even harder for you, and that’s why you might feel particularly at a loss in the
months that follow your leaving.
Understanding why it might be difficult can provide you valuable insight to help
you realize that all these negative thoughts and feelings are temporary – they’re
nothing more than latent side-effects of the abuse that you’ve suffered all this
time. The sooner you realize where they’re stemming from, the sooner you’d be
able to nip them at the root and slowly release yourself from entanglement.
Why It’s So Hard to Heal
Have you ever had to cut someone out of your life before? Was it a toxic friend
who just didn’t jive with your personality? An absentee partner who just wasn’t
who you expected them to be? A competitive coworker who saw every project
as an opportunity to ‘get ahead’?
While each of these scenarios might present varying inconveniences and
challenges, one thing remains true – it probably didn’t eat you up inside to say
goodbye and walk away.
Sure, it’s only normal that you might have felt the remnants of the relationship
as your heart and mind worked to snip away the remaining ties that held you to
this person. But once those few days or weeks had passed, you probably found
yourself fully-functional once more. You might not have even had to think about
that person unless someone else brought them up.
You healed, you moved on, and you got better. It happened before, so why is it
so hard now?
There are unique aspects to a narcissistic relationship that makes it particularly
difficult to cope with. So, after you walk away, you might find yourself feeling
the same potent pain you did when they were still a part of your life.
So, what are these factors that make it so much harder?
The Narcissist’s Grip
Perhaps a narcissist’s most intricate and effective tool to keep their victims in
line is their grip. This metaphorical grasp is slowly built over time, constructed
with conditional love and affection that’s later used as a tool to get you to act the
way that they want you to.
As time wears on, the victim feels endeared to the narcissist, and the abuser will
exploit this connection to their benefit. The victim becomes a scapegoat for all
the different problems that might arise in the narcissist’s life, even if the victim
had no involvement in the development of the issue.
The narcissist now insists that you’re problem, responsible for the different
things that go wrong in your lives together. They convince you that you need
them because you’re not perfect, and they know what’s best to keep you from
causing any more harm to yourself or to others. They make you believe that you
rely on them, making you feel like you owe them an explanation or an apology
for every little thing that goes wrong.
You, on the other hand, are convinced. The kindness, affection, and ‘love’ that
they showed you when your relationship was just beginning has convinced you
that they have the best intentions. They’ve convinced you that they’re ‘superior’
to everyone—including you—which makes them the only viable counsel and the
only one who can provide you verified truth and advice.
Now, without you noticing, you’ve become entangled in their web. You feel
reliant on them and the first question on your mind every single time you need to
make a decision is “what would they think?” You’re constantly walking on
eggshells, careful not to do anything that would upset them, and striving to do
everything to please them.
Unfortunately, simply leaving isn’t enough to dismantle such a deep-seated
mechanism. That’s because as time wears on, this system will make you lose
your sense of volition. Your reliance on the abuser becomes reflexive, and it
becomes a challenge for you to make decisions on your own.
So now that you’ve left, you can’t help but wonder what to do next. You feel the
need to have someone tell you how to go about the process, and the only person
you can think of is your abuser. Unfortunately, there isn’t anyone else who will
be able to help you through this time in your life as much as yourself.
The Feeling of Guilt
There is no such thing as a civil disengagement from a narcissistic relationship.
So, it’s probable that at this moment, you’re not on speaking terms with your
abuser. In fact, you might never be able to speak to them again. This is a reality
that needs to be accepted.
Knowing that you’re not on good terms with your abuser might cause feelings of
guilt to kick in. They convinced you that anything amiss in your relationship was
your fault, so now that you’re indefinitely ignoring each other, you feel
responsible for the situation.
