My Life As an Alphabet

173 Pages·2012·0.82 MB·English

by  Jonsberg Barry

A-Z
Also by Barry Jonsberg
FOR YOUNG ADULTS
Being Here
Cassie
Ironbark
Dreamrider
It’s Not All About YOU, Calma!
The Whole Business with Kiffo and the Pitbull
FOR YOUNGER READERS
Blacky Blasts Back
A Croc Called Capone
The Dog that Dumped on My Doona
BARRY
JONSBERG
This project has been assisted by the Australian Government through the Australia Council for the Arts, its
arts funding and advisory body.
First published in 2013
Copyright © Barry Jonsberg 2013
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,
electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval
system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the
Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or ten per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be
photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational
institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright Agency Limited
(CAL) under the Act.
Allen & Unwin
83 Alexander Street
Crows Nest NSW 2065
Australia
Phone: [phone]
Fax: [phone]
Email: [email protected]
Web: www.allenandunwin.com
A Cataloguing-in-Publication entry is available from the National Library of Australia –
www.trove.nla.gov.au
ISBN 978 1 74331 097 7
Teachers’ notes available from www.allenandunwin.com
Cover image: Getty Images/WIN-Initiative
Set in 11.5 pt Stempel Garamond by Toolbox
This book was printed in December 2012 at McPherson’s Printing Group,
76 Nelson St, Maryborough, Victoria 3465, Australia.
www.mcphersonsprinting.com.au
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

For Janet and Steve
CONTENTS
A IS FOR ASSIGNMENT
B IS FOR BIRTH
C IS FOR CHAOS
D IS FOR DIMENSIONS
E IS FOR EARTH-PIG FISH
F IS FOR FRANCES (SKY) G IS FOR GRAVITY
H IS FOR HAPPINESS
I IS FOR INSIGHT
J IS FOR JOKE-SHOP JUNK
K IS FOR KITCHENS
L IS FOR LAUGHTER
M IS FOR MOURNING
N IS FOR NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE
O IS FOR OBLIVION
P IS FOR PICOULT
Q IS FOR QUESTIONS
R IS FOR RELIEF TEACHERS
S IS FOR SCHISMS
T IS FOR TALKING
U IS FOR UNDERSTANDING
V IS FOR VISIONS
W IS FOR WITNESS
X IS FOR XENOPHOBIA
Y IS FOR YELLING
Z IS FOR ZERO-HOUR
A
IS FOR ASSIGNMENT
A is for assignment.
I’m excited. Miss Bamford is my English teacher and she is the best English
teacher in the world.
Wait. Wrong way – go back. I haven’t personally experienced every teacher in
the world [obviously].
I believe in precision, so I must refine my statement. It is more accurate to say
that she’s the best teacher as far as I’m concerned.
Miss Bamford is a small woman and she is between thirty and sixty years of
age. I refuse to guess at ages. I asked her once, in the interests of accuracy, and
she wouldn’t tell me. She wears long and shapeless dresses so it’s difficult to tell
what her body is like. But she is probably thin. The one unmistakable thing
about Miss Bamford is her lazy eye. It’s her right one and it rolls around like it’s
skating on something slippery. This lack of control disturbs many students in my
class. Sometimes she shouts at a student and, given her lazy eye, it’s difficult to
tell who she is yelling at. One eye dips and bobs like a maniac and the other
glares at a non-specific location.
Douglas Benson – he’s my friend in English – once said that she might have
one lazy eye, but the other is hyperactive and should be on Ritalin. When I told
Miss Bamford what he said, her eye flitted about even more than normal. You
might assume Douglas and I got into trouble for that. But we didn’t. I’ll tell you
about it later.
The assignment.