Table Of ContentAnnotation
Soltan Gris, head of the Earth section of Voltar's secret police, is determin
to stop Jettero Heller, a combat engineer who is trying to bring peace to th planet
Earth.
Mission: Earth "An Alien Affair"
Mission: Earth "An Alien Affair"
Voltarian Censor's Disclaimer
For the health, safety and sanity of any reader, it cannot be said often
enough that the so-called planet "Earth," as described in this story, does NOT
exist.
And more—it must also be pronounced that it is IMPOSSIBLE for such a
planet to exist.
First, Voltarian astrographic charts are the most complete in this galaxy.
They cover millions of light-years and NO record exists of ANY "Earth" or its
so-called designation of Blito-P3. If any such entity existed a mere twenty-two
light-years away, we would be the first to know. But there is NOTHING to be
found on any astrographic records in the vicinity of the "Earth" coordinates but
spacedust.
Thus the fabricated representation that there was a secret Voltarian base on
"Earth" can be dismissed since there is no such planet. There was once a
freighter called the Blixo. Records show it disappeared with no survivors,
probably at the hands of pirates. Thus, any attempt to say that it was used to
make regular six-week runs to bring Earth substances called "drugs" (another
deluded concept) to Voltar is without taste or sensibility.
Therefore, there could NOT have been such a person as "Rockecenter" who
controlled an entire planet's fuel resources as well as "drugs" and the media.
The characters Jettero Heller and Countess Krak are real but clearly their
so-called exploits on this fictional planet could never have occurred. The name
Soltan Gris does appear on some records but this fact does not lend a grain of
credit to the account attributed to the narrator who bears that name.
The idea that Heller, a Royal officer, would be sent on a Grand Council
mission to keep such a planet from destroying itself so it could be invaded later
is almost beyond comment. If such a planet did exist, it would be cordoned off as
a malignant growth, not assimilated into our Confederacy.
This is most evident in the bizarre practices described in this book. It is
beyond the bounds of the most fevered imagination to think there could be such
people. It proves beyond any doubt that it is IMPOSSIBLE for such a planet to
exist.
No society could possibly exist that would openly countenance such
behavior, let alone professions called "psychiatry" and "psychology." If such
sexual practices as described in this volume were condoned (let alone promoted
in ANY form), one would find a society where pornography was promoted and
perversion promulgated. Crime in such a society would rise to the point where
even heads of state would be assassinated and entire countries destabilized
through terrorism.
No, there can be no such society, let alone a planet, where such decadent
extremes could be found. It is impossible. In time, it would destroy itself.
That is why "Earth" does not and cannot exist.
Lord Invay
Royal Historian
Chairman, Board of Censors
Royal Palace
Voltar Confederacy
By Order of
His Imperial Majesty
Wully the Wise
Voltarian Translator's Preface
Hi there.
This is 54 Charlee Nine, the Robotbrain in the Translatophone and the
translator of this work.
In support of the Honorable Lord Invay, I can verify that there is nothing in
my most extensive data banks to compare with what is described in this book. In
fact, certain Earth practices came as such a shock that one of my subcomputers
quit in protest and still won't talk to me and another tried to mate with itself.
Meanwhile, two are still having a great time arguing over the proposition
"Earth is dirty," one is writing a musical, "Candied," two are coauthoring a book
called "101 More Ways to Use Mustard and Rolling Pins" and the rest are
rejecting this ridiculous behavior with gales of hysterical laughter.
That leaves me to try and put some order back into the area after I write up
the Key to this volume, which immediately follows.
For a nonexistent planet, Earth is a pain in the circuits.
Sincerely,
54 Charlee Nine
Robotbrain in the Translatophone
Key to AN ALIEN AFFAIR
Absorbo-coat—Coating that absorbs light waves, making the object
virtually invisible or undetectable.
Afyon—City in Turkey where the Apparatus has a secret base.
Agnes, Miss—Personal aide to Delbert John Rockecenter.
Agricultural Training Center for Peasants—Cover name for the secret
Apparatus base in Afyon, Turkey.
Antimanco—A race exiled long ago from the planet Manco for ritual
murders.
Apparatus, Coordinated Information—The secret police of Voltar, headed
by Lombar Hisst and manned by criminals.
Assassin Pilots—Space pilots used to kill any Apparatus personnel who try
to flee a battle.
Atalanta—Home province for Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak on the
planet Manco.
Babe Corleone—The six-foot-six leader of the Corleone mob, widow of
"Holy Joe."
Bang-Bang Rimbombo—An ex-marine demolitions expert and member of
the Corleone mob.
Barben, I. G.—Pharmaceutical company controlled by Delbert John
Rockecenter.
Bawtch—Soltan Gris's chief clerk for Section 451 on Voltar.
Bildirjin, Nurse—Turkish teen-age girl who assists Prahd Bittlestiffender.
Bittlestiffender, Prahd—Cellologist who implanted Jettero Heller back on
Voltar. He was brought in by Soltan Gris to start the phony World United
Chanties Mercy and Benevolent Hospital in Afyon.
Blito-P3—Voltarian designation for a planet known locally as "Earth." It is
on the Invasion Timetable as a future way-stop on Voltar's route toward the
center of this galaxy.
Blixo—Apparatus freighter that makes regular runs between Earth and
Voltar. The voyage takes about six weeks each way and is piloted by Captain
Bolz.
Bolz—Captain of the freighter Blixo.
Bomber—An ordinary Earth vehicle with all of its glass removed and roll
bars added. It is found in "demolition derbies" where the object is to ram others
to make them unable to move. A winner of one of these was defined as the last
vehicle that could still move under its own power. The term is also applied to the
driver.
Bugging Gear—Electronic eavesdropping devices that Soltan Gris had
implanted in Jettero Heller. Gris uses a video unit to monitor everything Heller
sees or hears. The signals are picked up by the receiver and decoder that Gris
carries. When Heller is more than 200 miles from Gris, the 831 Relayer is turned
on and boosts the signal to a range of 10,000 miles.
Bury—Delbert John Rockecenter's most powerful attorney, member of the
law firm Swindle and Crouch.
Caucalsia, Prince—Name of Tug One, after a hero of Manco.
Cellology—Voltarian medical science that can repair the body through the
cellular generation of tissues, including entire body parts.
Chank-pop—A small, round ball that, when pressed, sprays a scented fog;
used as a refresher on Voltar.
Code Break—Alerting others that one is an alien. Per a section of the Space
Code, it carries an automatic death penalty. The purpose is to maintain the
security of the Invasion Timetable.
Control Star—An electronic device disguised as a star-shaped medallion
that can paralyze any of the Apparatus crew of Antimanco pirates that brought
Soltan Gris and Jettero Heller to Earth.
Coordinated Information Apparatus—See Apparatus.
Corleone—A Mafia Family now headed by Babe Corleone, a former Roxy
chorus girl and widow of "Holy Joe."
Crobe, Doctor—Apparatus cellologist who delights in making freaks; he
worked in Spiteos.
Empire University—Where Jettero Heller is taking classes in New York
City.
Epstein, Izzy—Student at Empire University and financial expert whom
Jettero Heller hired to set up a corporate structure to handle his finances.
Faht Bey—Turkish name of the commander of the secret Apparatus base in
Afyon, Turkey.
F.F.B.O.—Fatten, Farten, Burstein and Ooze, the largest advertising firm in
the world.
Flagrant, J. P.—Vice President at F.F.B.O. He was fired during the hiring of
J. Walter Madison.
Fleet—The elite space fighting arm of Voltar to which Jettero Heller
belongs and which the Apparatus despises.
Geovani—One of Babe Corleone's bodyguards.
Gracious Palms—The elegant whorehouse where Jettero Heller resides. It is
across from the United Nations and is run by the Corleone Family.
Grand Council—The governing body of Voltar which ordered a mission to
keep Earth from destroying itself so the Invasion Timetable could be maintained.
Gris, Soltan—Apparatus officer placed in charge of the Blito-P3 (Earth)
Section and an enemy of Jettero Heller.
Hakluyt—Sixteenth-century Earthman who wrote of various explorations in
the eastern United States.
Hatchetheimer, General—Last surviving member of Adolf Hitler's general
staff.
Heller, Hightee—Sister of Jettero Heller and most popular entertainer in the
Voltar confederacy.
Heller, Jettero—Combat engineer and Royal officer of the Fleet, sent by
Grand Council order to Earth, where he is operating under the name of Jerome
Terrance Wister.
Hisst, Lombar—Head of the Apparatus who, to keep the Grand Council
from discovering his plan, sent Soltan Gris to sabotage Jettero Heller's mission.
"Holy Joe" Corleone—Head of the Corleone Family until murdered. He did
not believe in pushing drugs, hence his name.
Hypnohelmet—Device placed over the head and used to induce a hypnotic
state.
Inkswitch—Name used by Soltan Gris when pretending to be a U.S.
Federal officer.
Invasion Timetable—A schedule of galactic conquest. The plans and budget
of every section of Voltar's government must adhere to it. Bequeathed by Voltar's
ancestors hundreds of thousands of years ago, it is inviolate and sacred and the
guiding dogma of the Confederacy.
Karagoz—Turkish peasant, head of Soltan Gris's house in Afyon.
Knife Section—Section of the Apparatus named after its favorite weapon.
Krak, Countess—Condemned murderess, prisoner of Spiteos and
sweetheart of Jettero Heller.
Lepertige—Large catlike animal as tall as a man.
Line-jumper—Small spacecraft used by the Voltarian Army to lift and
quickly move up to one hundred tons across battle lines.
Louseini, Razza—Consigliere to mob chief Faustino "The Noose"
Narcotici.
Madison, J. Walter—Fired from F.F.B.O. when his style of public relations
caused the president of Patagonia to commit suicide, he was rehired by Bury to
immortalize Jettero Heller in the media. He is also known as J. Warbler
Madman.
Magic Mail—Apparatus trick where a letter is mailed but won't be
delivered as long as a designated card is regularly sent.
Manco—Home planet of Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak.
Maysabongo—A small African nation of which Jettero Heller was made a
representative. Izzy Epstein made some of Heller's businesses Maysabongo
corporations.
Mudlick Construction Company—A private company in Turkey that gives
Soltan Gris kickbacks whenever he gives them a contract.
Multinational—Name of umbrella corporation, located in the Empire State
Building, that Izzy Epstein set up to manage other Jettero Heller companies.
Mutazione, Mike—Owner of the Jiffy-Spiffy Garage who customized, for
Jettero Heller, both the Cadillac and the vintage cab.
Narcotici, Faustino "The Noose"—Head of a Mafia Family that is the
underworld outlet for drugs from I. G. Barben and is trying to take over the
territory of the Corleone Family.
Nature Appreciation 101—Class taught by Miss Simmons to which she has
assigned Jettero Heller in order to flunk him out of Empire University.
Octopus Oil—A Delbert John Rockecenter company that controls the
world's petroleum.
Odur—See Oh Dear.
Oh Dear—Nickname for Odur. With Too-Too, forced by Soltan Gris to get
information on Voltar and courier it to him on Earth.
Peace, Miss—Secretary to Delbert John Rockecenter.
Raht—An Apparatus agent on Earth who, with Terb, was assigned by
Lombar Hisst to help Soltan Gris sabotage Jettero Heller's mission.
Rockecenter, Delbert John—Native of Earth who controls all the planet's
fuel, finances, governments and drugs.
Roke, Tars—Astrographer to the Emperor of Voltar, Cling the Lofty, and
old friend of Jettero Heller. It was his briefing to the Grand Council that
prompted Mission Earth to restore the Invasion Timetable.
Section 451—A Section in the Apparatus on Voltar, headed by Soltan Gris.
Seven Brothers—Secret consortium on Earth that includes Octopus Oil as
the senior member.
Silva, Gunsalmo—Former bodyguard to "Holy Joe" and believed to be the
one responsible for killing the Corleone boss. Soltan Gris sent him to kill the
CIA Director and be killed.
Simmons, Miss—A teacher at Empire University who has promised Jettero
Heller she will flunk him out of school.
Smith, John—An alias that Soltan Gris uses as a Delbert John Rockecenter
employee.
Space Code—See Code Break.
Spiteos—The secret mountain fortress and prison run by the Apparatus on
Voltar where the Countess Krak and Jettero Heller had been imprisoned.
Stabb, Captain—Leader of the Antimanco crew that piloted Tug One.
Stinger—A flexible whip about eighteen inches long with an electric jolt in
its tip-lash.
Sultan Bey—The Turkish name Soltan Gris assumes in Afyon, Turkey.
Swindle and Crouch—Law firm that represents Delbert John Rockecenter's
interests.
Tavilnasty, Jimmy "The Gutter"—Hit man for the Corleone family until
killed by Gunsalmo Silva.
Tayl, Widow—Nymphomaniac on Voltar. She had a small hospital that
Soltan Gris used when he had Prahd Bittlestiffender implant Jettero Heller with
Bugging Gear.
Terb—Apparatus agent on Earth who, with Raht, was assigned by Lombar
Hisst to help Soltan Gris sabotage Jettero Heller's mission.
Too-Too—Nickname for Twolah. He and Oh Dear were forced by Soltan
Gris to get information on Voltar and courier it secretly back to him on Earth.
Tug One—The spaceship used by Jettero Heller to travel the 22 1/2 light-
years to Earth. Heller renamed it the Prince Caucalsia.
Twolah—See Too-Too.
Utanc—A belly dancer that Soltan Gris bought to be his concubine slave.
Vantagio—Manager of the Gracious Palms, the elegant whorehouse
operated by the Corleone Family, across the street from the United Nations.
Voltar—Home planet and seat of the 110-world Confederacy that was
established 125,000 years ago. Voltar is ruled by the Emperor through the Grand
Council in accordance with the Invasion Timetable.
Whiz Kid—Nickname given to Jettero Heller by J. Walter Madison. In
addition, Madison has another person acting as Heller's "double" to get publicity
without Heller's consent. The phony "Whiz Kid" has buckteeth, a protruding jaw
and wears glasses. He looks nothing like Heller.
Wister, Jerome Terrance—Name that Jettero Heller is using on Earth.
World United Charities Mercy and Benevolent Hospital—Cover name for
business that Soltan Gris set up in Afyon under Prahd Bittlestiffender to alter the
faces and fingerprints of gangsters for exorbitant fees.
Zanco—Cellological equipment and supplies company on Voltar.
451, Section—See Section 451.
831 Relayer—See Bugging Gear.
PART TWENTY-NINE
To My Lord Turn, Justiciary of the Royal Courts and Prison, Government
City, Planet Voltar, Voltar Confederacy
Your Lordship, Sir!
I, Soltan Gris, Grade XI, General Services Officer, former Secondary
Executive of the Coordinated Information Apparatus, Voltar Confederacy (All
Hail His Majesty Cling the Lofty and His Noble Dominions), hereby humbly
submit the fourth volume of my confession regarding MISSION EARTH.
This volume has been the most difficult to relate and I must warn you
beforehand that it will take a strong constitution to read. The crimes that I have
openly and willingly confessed up to this point pale by comparison. The screams
and blood are as vivid as if they were now.
That I would be put into the pinched position I am about to describe in this
volume is now, looking back, beyond all comprehension.
I am not to blame for what I did. I was driven to it by Jettero Heller. The
man is dangerous and the sooner he is found, arrested and killed, the better. I
speak not only from experience but from my study of Freud and Bugs Bunny
which makes me as expert as any Earth psychiatrist.
Heller's violence is a sexual outlet. He is a classical example of a
suppressed Oedipal-id in conflict with a sublimated father-ego fixation.
Look at this brilliant psychiatric analysis:
1. Heller lived at the Gracious Palms whorehouse across from the United
Nations. And what does the UN have out in front? Flagpoles. And everyone
knows what flagpoles mean. Freud is never wrong.
2. Babe Corleone's Mafia family ran the Gracious Palms. At six-foot-six,
she is hardly a "babe." She is a widow and yet "Babe" became Heller's surrogate
Earth mother. That's the source of his Oedipal fixation.
3. Heller's infantile behavior was confirmed when J. Walter Madison, that
master of PR (public relations—another brilliant Earth idea), was hired to
immortalize him. He called Heller the Whiz Kid. The choice of name is
indisputable proof.
4. Heller was using a platen code to write reports back to Voltar. A platen is
a sheet with holes. You lay it over the document and the code words can be seen
and the actual message read through the holes. This is further proof of his sexual
aggression. (It's also his underhanded way of antagonizing me. He knows I can't
forge his reports without the platen and that I can't kill him until I find it. It's
typical of his aggressive nature.)
