Men's Work: How to Stop the Violence That Tears Our Lives Apart

604 Pages·1998·1.21 MB·English

by  Paul Kivel

Men's Work : How to Stop the Violence
title:
That Tears Our Lives Apart
author: Kivel, Paul.
publisher: Hazelden Publishing
isbn10 | asin: 1568382332
print isbn13: 9781568382333
ebook isbn13: 9780585312460
language: English
Abusive men--United States--Psychology,
subject Violence--United States--Prevention--
Problems, exercises, etc.
publication date: 1992
lcc: HV6626.K58 1992eb
ddc: 261.8/327
Abusive men--United States--Psychology,
subject: Violence--United States--Prevention--
Problems, exercises, etc.
Page i
Men's Work
Page ii
More Praise for Men's Work
"Paul Kivel's brave and thoughtful book goes backway backdeep into the
structure of men's lives to explore the centrality of violence in men's lives.
Drawing on his personal experiences, careful analysis, and years of
therapeutic experience, Kivel offers insights and a step-by-step guide to
challenge and begin to overcome violence. In doing so, he offers men hope."
Michael S. Kimmel, professor of sociology, SUNY/Stony Brook
"Violence against women can only end if men who rape, batter, and kill
women change their attitudes and behaviorsand challenge patriarchal
assumptions. This book will help men confront the political, social, and
personal forces that generate hatred and anger at women."
Leslie Wolfe, executive director, Center for Women Policy Studies
Letters to author Paul Kivel from men in prison on the effectiveness of
the Men's Work program in helping stop the violence
"No one took time to help me learn to interact with people and to show me
how our society sets men up to be violent. They taught me reading, writing,
and arithmetic, but not how to interact with people without being violent. . . . I
look forward to helping myself and other men break the violent patterns in our
lives. We are starting to develop bonds with each other as we start trusting
and accepting each other for who we are."
Inmate, correctional institution, Bowling Green, Florida
"The part that I found to be most helpful was the 'Act Like a Man' box. Also,
the in-depth questions . . . really made me think about myself and my past,
helped me to see who I am and why I behave the way I do."
Inmate, correctional institution, Bowling Green, Florida
"I have been involved in a project at the prison. When first introduced to it, I
protested because none of my crimes had any violence in them. . . . I found
your book so helpful, so powerful and empowering. . . . The exercises brought
me to a whole new level of understanding and allowed me to face myself and
my world of violence in a way that it has never been explored."
Inmate, federal prison, Alberta, Canada
"I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. . . . Nothing in recovery has
touched me like Men's Work. I've been able to release feelings of inadequacy,
my need to control, sexual inhibitions that interfered with far more of my life
than I ever thought, and anger and resentments that enabled me to carry on
the violence and hurt many lives."
Inmate, correctional institution, Bowling Green, Florida
"I would recommend Men's Work to anyone [who needs to deal] with anger."
Inmate, correctional institution, Bowling Green, Florida
Page iii
Men's Work
How to Stop the Violence That Tears Our Lives Apart
Paul Kivel
Page iv
Hazelden
Center City, Minnesota 55012-0176
1-800-328-0094 (Toll Free U.S., Canada, and the Virgin Islands)
1-651-257-1331 (Fax)
www.hazelden.org
©1992 by Paul Kivel
All rights reserved. Published 1992
Printed in the United States of America
No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner
without the written permission of the publisher
ISBN: 1-56838-233-2
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number 93-132962
01 00 99 6 5 4 3
Book design by Will H. Powers
Typesetting by Stanton Publication Services, Inc.
Cover Design by David Spohn
Editor's Note:
The following publishers have generously given permission to use
extended quotations from copyrighted works: From the Oakland
Men's Project © 1987, 1990, 1991, all rights reserved. From Everyday
Racism, by Philomena Essed. Copyright 1990. Published by Hunter
House, Inc., 2200 Central Avenue, Suite 202, Alameda, CA 94501.
From Getting Free: You Can End Abuse and Take Back Your Life,
copyright © 1982 by Ginny NiCarthy, Seal Press. 3131 Western
Avenue #410, Seattle, WA 98121. Reprinted with permission. From
The Second Sex, by Simone de Beauvoir, Bantam edition, 1961.
Reprinted with permission of Alfred A. Knopf, Inc. From A Woman's
Place, by Marita Golden. Reprinted with permission of Dell
Publishing Group. From nappy endings, by ntozake shange, copyright
© 1972, 1974, 1975, 1976, 1977, 1978 by ntozake shange. Reprinted
with permission of St. Martin's Press, Inc., New York, N.Y. From an
Alice Walker interview in Women of Power, issue 12, winter 1989,
page 29. Reprinted with permission of Alice Walker.
Page v
To Micki, the love of my life.
To my children, Ariel, Shandra, and Ryan.
May their generation share
a more peaceful world.
Page vii
CONTENTS
Preface xi
Acknowledgments xv
Introduction to the Updated Edition xvii
Original Introduction xxi
Part I
Growing Up Male
1 3
Men Relating to Men
2 35
Men Relating to Women
3 53
Relating to Our Cultural and Ethnic Traditions
Part II
Men, Power, and Violence
4 67
Coming to Understand Men
5 76
Drugs and Violence
6 87
Anger Is Not the Problem
7 99
Why Are Men Violent?