Married to ADHD

70 Pages·2013·1 MB·English

Married to ADHD
Tips for a
Happy Marriage
From the ADHD Information
Library at NewIdeas.net
Dr. Douglas Cowan, Psy.D.,
Clinical Editor
FROM THE ADD ADHD INFORMATION LIBRARY
AT NEWIDEAS.NET
Married to ADHD
 The ADD ADHD Information Library @ NewIdeas.net
and Dr. Douglas Cowan
Tehachapi, CA 93561
www.NEWIDEAS.NET
www.ADDinSCHOOL.COM
www. Nutrition2You.com
Table of Contents
PART 1 ADHD AND THE MARRIAGE YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED 3
• Characteristics of Healthy Families and Strong Marriages
PART 2 UNDERSTANDING ADHD 12
• About ADHD
• Co-Morbid Conditions
• Women with ADHD
• Children with ADHD and Your Marriage
• When You are the Spouse with ADHD
•
PART 3 IMPROVING YOUR MARRIAGE 28
• Tips for Husbands
• Tips for Wives
Communication Keys 41
• The Secret to a Happy Marriage
• Why Listen?
• Blocks to Listening
• Important Differences Between Men and Women
• Making a Positive Request of Your Spouse
• Marriage Tips from H. Norman Wright
PART 4 TREATMENT OPTIONS 49
• Medications
• Alternatives to Medication
WEDDING DAY PROMISES 61
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES 66

PART ONE
ADHD and the Marriage
You’ve Always Wanted
Characteristics of
Healthy Families and
Strong Marriages
Marriage is a blessing, yet all marriages have challenges or
problems to work through and overcome.
Remember the day when you walked down the isle to be
married? It was a day filled with the stresses of getting a
wedding together, sure – but it was also a day filled with
promise for what the future might bring: love, and joy, and
living life together with the one you had chosen to love.
Your marriage can be successful and last for a lifetime!
Though your marriage may face a lot of challenges, including
ADHD, your marriage can thrive and be a blessing to you,
your spouse, your children, and everyone around you.
The fact that every marriage has challenges is reflected in
U.S. Census statistics that report that only 80% of all “first
marriages” make it as far as their fifth anniversary, and only
67% will make it to their ten-year anniversary. Looking
farther down the road, only 57% of “first marriages” make it
to their fifteenth-year anniversary celebration.
As a pastor, I have officiated over many marriages, including
that of my own daughter, and in every instance each couple
walked down the aisle filled with love for each other, and fully
intending to make their marriage last “until parted by death.”
So why do only about half of all marriages succeed for a
lifetime, and why do about half fail at some point and end in
divorce?
4
There are many factors that contribute to the challenges of
marriage. External challenges include social expectations,
money problems, job loss, communication problems, and so
on. Some other marital challenges include: long-term illness,
disruptive children, unrealistic expectations, and more.
When one or both spouses has ADHD, and other serious
challenges to the marriage are added, the ADHD has to be
addressed by the couple.
The purpose of this e-book is to provide skills and insights
that can help to strengthen your marriage, while
understanding and dealing with ADHD in the home.
From an ADHD newsletter subscriber:
My husband is ADHD as well as our 14 year old
daughter. I have learned quite a bit about keeping myself
sane in a house with two ADDers! Here's what being married
to an ADHD man has taught me:
1. If I need something from him in the near future (an
appointment he needs to accompany me to, some household
chore I need help with, etc) , give gentle reminders at
intervals – but not so often that you appear to be nagging.
2. I bought a big calendar and hung it in the kitchen so we
can keep track of appointments. It helps him to see it along
with hearing it.
3. I stopped letting it bother me when he & our daughter get
silly & loud in the evening. I find that if they get it out of their
systems life is easier on all of us. And I figure its better to
see him acting silly than acting angry & hurt.
4. I learned to bend a little bit. I like things structured and
planned, but he prefers spontaneity. I learned to be
spontaneous sometimes and not so much of a control freak.
First, let’s take a look at some characteristics of healthy and
strong marriages. As you read through the following list, think
about your relationship with your spouse and the positive
characteristics of your marriage.
5
 Healthy families and strong marriages are
characterized by supportive, encouraging, and
honest communication.
Practice the wisdom of St. Paul when he wrote,
“Don’t let any unwholesome talk come out of your
mouths, but only what is helpful, for building others up,
according to their needs, so it may benefit those who
listen.” Ephesians 4:29
Contained in this simple verse are three important
lessons for us regarding the way that we communicate
with others:
First, if we don’t have something nice to say, don’t say
anything at all. One of the first things to happen when
things start to turn badly for a couple is that their
comments to each other begin to be more “negative”
than “positive” and encouraging. Sharp “teasing” and
put-downs become common place, and eventually turn
into disrespectful comments. To turn this around one
must purposefully make positive and uplifting comments.
Second, say things that will compliment or build up the
one you are speaking to. Compliments are especially
powerful at changing the atmosphere of a home.
Encourage each other and cheer each other on. Kind
and positive words are powerful. Speak words of
blessing to your spouse and children!
Third, understand the particular needs of the person that
you are speaking to, and speak in a way to address
those particular needs. Your husband or wife will have
different needs than your children or your parents, so
speak in a way that focuses in on what that person
needs.
Work on making your words healing and supportive. Let
your words bless your family, and remember that
encouraging words can motivate people to do amazing
feats!
6
 Healthy families and couples with strong marriages
spend a lot of time together.
Did you know that the “average father” in America
spends less than 60 seconds per day in meaningful
conversation with his children, while the average person
spends over 40 hours per week watching television or
playing computer games?
As a society we have been turned upside down by in-
home entertainment, and the skill and discipline of
family conversation has nearly disappeared.
For a marriage to thrive there has to be a healthy block
of quality time set aside for true conversation – not just
the details of the day, but the sharing of dreams, hopes,
and goals. Try to set aside some time each day to just
sit with your spouse and talk. Don’t let the TV steal this
time from you.
So called “quality time” is no substitute for
“quantity time” invested in building a
relationship.
 Healthy families and strong marriages tend to
share a common faith, and practice that faith
together.
Worship God together, and you will begin to see your
marriage and your family as having a greater purpose
than just yourself.
Author Gary Thomas asks an interesting question, “What
if marriage was designed to make us more holy, rather
than just to make us happy?” In other words, what if
marriage, and the process of being married everyday,
was really designed to make us better people, more
humble people, more caring and giving people, rather
than just to make us “happy”?
If we approached marriage in this way, then even the
bad days would be seen as opportunities for positive
change and growth. We would all approach marriage
from a different perspective.
7
 Healthy families and strong marriages agree on key
values.
In fact, most arguments between family members are
over a difference in values. So it is important to
purposefully discuss values, celebrate them, and live
them out everyday.
Take the time tonight to sit with your spouse and make
a list of the ten most important values that you want to
live out, and teach your children, in your own home.
What would your list of the top ten values be? Honesty?
Integrity? Faithfulness? Certainly there are many
important values to teach our children and to live out in
our own lives, so take the opportunity to have that
conversation with you spouse and strengthen your
marriage.
 Healthy families and strong marriages practice love
and mutual admiration.
Love and respect go a long way toward having a great
marriage and family. I know it is an “over-
generalization,” but it is a good rule of thumb: Women
want to feel “loved,” and men want to feel “respected.”
Simple, but true.
 Healthy families and strong marriages have
common goals and interests.
Take time each year to discuss your family goals, and
the goals for your marriage. Then take time each month
to see how you are doing toward achieving those goals,
and make whatever adjustments you need to in order to
stay on track.
8