Marriage at Midlife: Counseling Strategies and Analytical Tools

286 Pages·2009·0.88 MB·English

by  Dr. Vincent R. Waldron PhD

Marriage at Midlife
Counseling Strategies and
Analytical Tools
DougKelley,PhD,isassociateprofessorofcommunicationstudiesatArizonaState
University’sWestcampus.ProfessorKelleystudiescommunicationinpersonalre-
lationships, with a specific emphasis on marital interaction. His recent work has
appeared in such outlets as the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, the
Journal of Applied Gerontology, and Communication Quarterly. He is co-author,
withVinceWaldron,ofCommunicatingForgiveness.Inaddition,ProfessorKelley
findsparticularenjoymentinteachingandmentoringcollegestudentsandconduct-
ing community workshops on various aspects of healthy relationships. Doug lives
nearthemountainsincentralPhoenixandspendsmostofhisleisuretimehiking,
swimming,andkayakingwithhiswife,Ann,histwoboys,DanielandJonathan,and
histwodogs,AllenandBilly.
Vince Waldron, PhD, is professor and director of graduate studies for the Com-
municationStudiesprogramatArizonaStateUniversitywherehealsoisaffiliated
with the program in Aging and Lifespan Development. He researches the com-
munication processes that promote longevity, satisfaction, and justice in personal
andworkrelationships.Dr.Waldron’srecentresearchpublicationsincludethebook
Communicating Forgiveness (with Douglas Kelley) and articles in such outlets as
theJournalofSocialandPersonalRelationships,theJournalofAppliedGerontol-
ogy,andCommunicationQuarterly.ProfessorWaldronfoundedtheOsherLifelong
LearningInstituteatArizonaStateUniversityandcontinuestoserveasitsresearch
director.Adedicatedteacher,Dr.WaldronistherecipientofaProfessoroftheYear
awardfromtheCarnegieFoundationfortheAdvancementofTeaching.Vincelives
inGlendale,Arizona,withhiswifeKathleenandhisdaughtersEmilyandLaura.
Marriage at Midlife
Counseling Strategies and
Analytical Tools
VINCENT R. WALDRON, PhD
DOUGLAS L. KELLEY, PhD
Copyright©2009SpringerPublishingCompany,LLC
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EbookISBN:978-0-8261-2563-7
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Waldron,VincentR.
Marriageatmidlife:counselingstrategiesandanalyticaltools/Vincent
R.Waldron,DouglasL.Kelley.
p.cm.
Includesbibliographicalreferencesandindex.
ISBN978-0-8261-2562-0
1. Marriage—UnitedStates. 2. Marriedpeople—United
States—Psychology. 3. Middle-agedpersons—UnitedStates—Psychology.
4. Marriagecounseling—UnitedStates. I.Kelley,DouglasL. II.Title.
HQ1059.5.U5W2472009
306.810973—dc22
2009001391
PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmericabyHamiltonPrintingCompany.
The author and the publisher of this Work have made every effort to use sources
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appropriate.
Contents
Contributors xiii
Preface xv
Acknowledgments xxi
1 GuidingPerspectivesandAnalyticalTools 1
Definingthe“Centerstage”Marriage 2
OurResearch:HowDidWeLearnAboutCenterstageMarriages? 4
FiveCouples:FiveDifferentChallenges 5
ThisBook’sOrganization 6
AGuidingPerspective:CommunicatingAcrosstheLifeCourse 7
PartnersDevelopandChange 8
TimeMatters 8
MarriagesHave“TurningPoints” 9
ExternalCircumstancesWillChange 9
AccountingforDifferencesAmongClients:Culture,Gender,and
Religion 10
UnderstandingCenterstageCouples:ThreeFrameworks 13
TheRelationalDialecticsFramework 13
AResilienceFramework 15
TheRolesFramework 17
BestPracticesofCenterstageCouples 18
RenewRelationshipCommitment 18
PrioritizetheRelationship 19
NegotiateChangingExpectations 19
FindaCommonVoice 19
MaintainanExternalSystemofSupport 19
DeveloptheHabitofDialogue 20
SustainIntimacy 20
ConcludingThoughts:RemodelingtheEmptyNest 20
References 21
v
vi Contents
PART I: RECOUPLING: OPTIMIZING RELATIONAL
PROCESSES 23
2 ImprovingCommunication 25
ReassessingFamiliarPatterns 26
BuildingCommunicationCapacity 28
SourcesofDistress 29
InadequateRelationshipMaintenancePractices 29
RigidityinCommunicationPracticesandPerceptions 33
DeficitsinCommunicationSkills 37
PhysiologicalEffectsofAging 40
AnalyticalTools 41
ApplyingtheDialecticalFramework 41
ApplyingtheResiliencyFramework 43
ApplyingtheRolesFramework 43
WorkingWithClients 44
InventoryRelationshipMaintenancePractices 44
ChangeMindlessBehavior 44
KeepArousalinCheck 45
ExpandtheListeningRepertoire 46
RedevelopIntimacy 47
UseMetacommunicationtoDisruptReciprocity 48
ReconceptualizeConflict 48
ConcludingThoughts 49
QuestionsforClients 49
Exercises 50
Exercise2.1ChangingNegativeMindlessBehaviors 50
Exercise2.2BuildingRituals 51
Exercise2.3RelationshipMaintenance 51
Exercise2.4UsingRelationalDialectics 51
Exercise2.5ConductingaConflictAssessment
Meeting 52
References 53
3 ForgivingPastTransgressions 55
DefiningForgivenessasRelationalNegotiation 57
WhyForgive? 57
WhatForgivenessIsNot 58
SourcesofDistress 59
ListeningtoMidlifeCouples:WhatNeedsForgiving? 59
Contents vii
ComplicatingConditions:HelpingClientsJudgetheSeriousnessof
Transgressions 61
WastheTransgressionIntentional? 62
HastheOffenseBeenForgivenPreviously?IsItLikely
tobeRepeated? 62
IstheTransgressionaChronicPatternoraSingle
TraumaticEvent? 63
HowDoesthe“Audience”ComplicateMatters? 63
IsResponsibilityShared? 64
IstheOffense“Unforgivable?”Why? 64
AnalyticalTools 65
ApplyingtheDialecticalFramework 65
ApplyingtheResilienceFramework 68
WorkingWithClients 70
TheCommunicativeTasksofForgivenessModel 71
ConcludingThoughts 78
QuestionsforClients 79
Exercises 79
Exercise3.1MovieNight 79
Exercise3.2CaseAnalysis 80
Exercise3.3BuildonPastSuccesses 81
Exercise3.4ForgivingClimate 81
References 82
4 FindingNewandMeaningfulActivities 83
ConstraintsonActivityDuringChildrearing 85
StructuredActivity 85
SanctionedActivity 86
Identity-AffirmingActivity 86
SharedSocialActivity 86
CoordinatedActivity 86
MidlifeTransitions:FindingFulfillmentinNewPatternsof
Activity 87
IncreasedSpontaneity 88
Self-Fulfillment 88
NewDirections 89
MoreTimeforIntimacy 89
EasyCompanionship 90
TimeforReflectionandMutualPlanning 90
SourcesofDistress 90
The“TooQuiet”House 90
viii Contents
LossofIdentity 91
RelationalBoredom 92
SocialIsolation 92
UncertaintyandFear 93
RelationshipStresses 94
AnalyticalTools 95
ApplyingtheDialecticalFramework 95
ApplyingtheResilienceFramework 96
ApplyingtheRolesFramework 99
WorkingWithClients 100
SeekingMeaningfulActivity:SixFoundational
Steps 100
EmergingOpportunitiesforMeaningfulEngagement:
ExamplesforClients 103
SignificantService 103
LifelongLearningPrograms 103
CivicEngagement 103
GreenVolunteerism 104
MentorshipPrograms 104
Entrepreneurship 104
ConcludingThoughts 104
QuestionsforClients 105
Exercises 105
Exercise4.1EvaluatingConstraintsoftheChildrearing
Years 105
Exercise4.2TakingStepsNowtoCreateNewActivities
106
Exercise4.3RediscoveringCommonInterests 107
Exercise4.4StabilityorChange?PastorPresent? 107
Exercise4.5BuildingResilience 108
Exercise4.6TimeTogetherPieChart 109
References 109
PART II: RETOOLING: ADAPTING TO MIDLIFE
EVENTS 111
5 NewCareerDirections:CopingWithJobLossandReturning
toSchool 113
JobLoss 114
ReturningtoSchool 116
Contents ix
SourcesofDistress 118
DistressFromJobLoss 118
DistressUponReturningtoSchool 121
SharedSourcesofDistress 124
AnalyticalTools 125
ApplyingtheDialecticalFramework 125
ApplyingtheResilienceFramework 126
ApplyingtheRolesFramework 128
WorkingWithClients 130
HelpingClientsRespondtoJobLoss 130
HelpingReturningStudents 133
ConcludingThoughts 136
QuestionsforClients 137
Exercises 137
Exercise5.1IdentifyingJobLossDistress 137
Exercise5.2IdentifyingReturningtoSchoolDistress
139
Exercise5.3AnatomyofRiskTaking 139
Exercise5.4UsingYourInternalResources 140
Exercise5.5NegotiatingChangingRoles 140
Exercise5.6LearningtobeSupportiveDuringCareer
Change 141
References 141
6 ManagingBoundaries:BoomerangKids,AdultChildren,and
Grandparenting 143
KathleenM.WaldronandVincentR.Waldron
BoomerangKids 145
HelpingAdultChildren 146
Grandparenting 147
VarietiesinGrandparentingExperience 148
SourcesofDistress 151
ProblemsWithBoomerangKids 151
StressfulRelationshipsWithAdultChildren 153
GrandparentingComplexities 154
AnalyticalTools 156
ApplyingtheDialecticalFramework 156
ApplyingtheResilienceFramework 157
ApplyingtheRolesFramework 159
WorkingWithClients 159
RespondingasaCouple 159