Table Of ContentMan-Kzin Wars XIII-ARC
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Baen Books by Larry Niven
THE MAN-KZIN WARS SERIES
Created by Larry Niven
The Man-Kzin Wars
The Houses of the Kzinti Man-Kzin Wars V
Man-Kzin Wars VI
Man-Kzin Wars VII
Choosing Names: Man-Kzin Wars VIII Man-Kzin Wars IX
Man-Kzin Wars X: The Wunder War Man-Kzin Wars XI
Man-Kzin Wars XII
Man-Kzin Wars XIII
The Best of All Possible Wars
ALSO BY LARRY NIVEN
Oath of Fealty (with Jerry Pournelle) Fallen Angels (with Jerry Pournelle &
Michael Flynn)
MAN-KZIN WARS XIII
This is a work of fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this book are
fictional, and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely coincidental.
Copyright © 2012 by Larry Niven.
"Misunderstanding" copyright © 2012 by Hal Colebatch and Jessica Q. Fox;
"Two Types of Teeth" copyright © 2012 by Jane Lindskold; "Pick of the Litter"
copyright © 2012 by Charles E. Gannon; "Tomcat Tactics" copyright © 2012 by
Charles E. Gannon; "At the Gates" copyright © 2012 by Alex Hernandez;
"Zeno's Roulette" copyright © 2012 by David Bartell; "Bound for the Promised
Land" copyright © 2012 by Alex Hernandez
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof
in any form.
A Baen Books Original
Baen Publishing Enterprises P.O. Box 1403
Riverdale, NY 10471
www.baen.com
ISBN: 978-1-4516-3816-5
Cover art by Stephen Hickman
First printing, May 2012
Distributed by Simon & Schuster
1230 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
t/k
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Printed in the United States of America
Misunderstanding
Hal Colebatch and Jessica Q. Fox
“Remember the Chunquen?”
“Both sexes were sentient. They fought constantly.”
“And that funny religion on Altair One. They thought they
could travel in time.”
“Yes, Sir, when we landed the infantry they were all gone.”
“They must have all committed suicide with disintegrators. But
why? They knew we only wanted slaves. And I’m still trying to
figure out how they got rid of the disintegrators afterwards.”
“Some beings,” said A-T Officer, “will do anything to keep
their beliefs.”
—From The Warriors (recording salvaged
from the wreckage of kzin scout ship
Far-Ranging Prowler’s bridge recorder
by the crew of The Angel’s Pencil.)
The star known to human beings as Altair has a number of planets. Planets are,
of course, as common as dirt, so no big surprises there. There are some rings of
asteroids close to the star, and then a single planet in what human beings call the
goldilocks zone. Not too hot, not too cold, but just right. The planet was
eventually called Altair One by human beings, and something meaning pretty
much the same by the kzinti. It is a planet similar to both Earth and Kzin in
atmosphere, climate and gravity, so would be habitable to both species. It has,
however, never been colonized. There are reasons for this.
One of them is the existence of an intelligent species, the Dilillipsans. They
are, it has to be said, different.
If you asked any one Dilillipsan to choose a number between one and ten
you’d get at least a thousand answers, and π would probably be one of them.
Dilillipsans call their own world something which might be rendered, loosely, as
Glot, a tiny fraction of a sound-name which is completely unpronounceable, and
which translates, roughly, as the place we know a bit about and are usually
standing on or sometimes moving around on when young and foolish.
The acoustic part of the Dilillipsan language sounds something like the station
announcements at the beginning of Monsieur Hulot’s Holiday played backwards,
or perhaps sideways, and at double speed. Monsieur Hulot’s Holiday,
incidentally, had been quite a favorite with the Dilillies once they began picking
up Earth television transmissions, its tragic grandeur never failing to move them.
Unlike human beings, who believe many things, or kzinti who also believe
many things—except when they are of the very high nobility and have become
cynical—the Dilillies believe everything, but by different amounts.
Some things they hardly believe at all, and some things they are almost certain
about, but certainty is regarded as a mental health issue on Glot. They
communicate with each other in five or six languages simultaneously, one
involving generating three dimensional pictures on their stomachs, one involving
chemicals that can smell bad, and two, or maybe three, involving making noises.
It makes translating conversations just a little difficult. Note the delicate
understatement in this remark.
Not many human spaceships or probes have passed near them, but some have
been near enough for the Dilillies to eavesdrop on their communications, as they
have on radio and television transmissions from Earth which is a mere fifteen
light-years away. They have done this from curiosity, and without malevolent
intent. Their knowledge of human culture is both broad and deep but their
insights are fragmentary. The understatement in that remark is very far from
delicate.
The hell with it. Language reflects culture and a way of perceiving the world,
and the Dilillies are so different there’s no way of translating anything with any
precision. So let’s just mangle everything shamelessly. Take it as a parable. Do
what the Dilillies would do: believe everything, but not very much.
*
“You have to face it, those human beings are just so incredibly creative. I
mean, what kind of wild mind would you need to have in order to be able to
invent the hat?”
“Or a tie.”
“Or shoes.”
“No, shoes make sense. They have to walk around a lot and they have to walk
on hard stuff like pavements and grass and they have very soft feet. So either
they wear their feet out or they have some sort of protective cover for them.
What I don’t understand is why it’s called footwear. It should be called anti-
footwear.”
“Or foot anti-wear.”
“Yes, they are not very logical. But I still rate the moustache without the beard
as the most brilliant joke. I mean, first you go for hundreds of thousands of years
growing hair on your face. Then you find a way to get rid of it. Then you get rid
of all of it except for a little bit right under the nose. That’s absolutely brilliant.
You couldn’t make this up, none of us could ever get close! But those human
beings did it. They’re amazing!”
The three and a bit Dilillies brooded on this for a few seconds. They had been
vastly entertained by moustaches for centuries now. It had started a topiary cult
twice.
“I still think that there’s a reason for these things. One that we can’t easily
grasp, but one that makes sense to them.”
“What possible reason can there be for a necktie?”
“Perhaps the top button is obscene. Perhaps the buttons are more and more
disgusting as you go up, and the top one is so obscene it has to be covered by
something.”
“They can’t be obscene in themselves. It’s only when they are put through the
buttonholes. Of course! It must be a symbol for sexual activity! Unbuttoned top
shirt buttons must be merely vulgar. And I think moustaches are worn to tell
other human beings that the owner isn’t really a child or a female. Their young
don’t have hairy faces, nor do the females usually. I think they mostly want to be
mistaken for children, but some don’t. Either that or the males feel that the
females will feel inadequate for not having hairy faces and they want to cheer
them up. So they get rid of most of it, but the insecure ones leave a small bit to
prove they are adults.”
“Hmm. You think the females suffer from Hairy-Face Envy. I suppose it’s
possible. But then why don’t they all wear false moustaches like the leader of the
Marxists?”
“I don’t think Groucho was the leader of the Marxists, just the most famous of
them.”
The bit, which was very young, and bobbed around in a very distracting
manner, asked, “Why do they all spend so much time running around? They
even invented cars and aeroplanes to do it faster.”
“Oh that’s easy. If one of them wants to communicate with another, they have
to move very close together. Or they had to until they invented mobile phones.”
They thought about this. It made sense. Sort of.
*
Coco was explaining his recent hobby activities to his friend John Wayne.
There had been a fashion for human nicknames in their early years. These are
not even remotely like their real names, each of which would run to several
pages of text, a dozen cartoons, the sound of a waterfall crunching its gears and
the contents of a Spanish Farmacia. The term his is also not exactly accurate,
and friend refers to a relationship which on a scale from zero (meaning total
loathing) to ten (meaning someone you have a psychotic fixation on and spend
all your time stalking) would score approximately the square root of a matrix of
imaginary numbers.
“A spaceship? Full of animals that look like tigers? Can I see them too?” John
Wayne was thrilled. “Really see them directly, not just on your stomachs?” Ever
since The Greatest Show on Earth, one of his favorite films, when the tigers
escaped during the great train wreck, not to mention The Jungle Book, whose
name had thrillingly romantic connotations for the Dilillies, John Wayne had
wanted to meet a tiger. Since seeing The Lord of the Rings, he had wanted to
meet a Balrog, but had accepted, reluctantly, that they would probably not make
congenial passengers in a spaceship.
“Sure, it’s easy. The hielterober can take us there. They won’t see us, of
course, although I’m working on that. I’m planning a new avatar, just for them.”
“Can I have one too? I’d love to have an argument with a tiger. But will it be
possible? I’ve wanted to have arguments with humans, but they’re too far away.
It would be difficult for them to remember the last move when it was a third of a
century ago. The poor things don’t live very long.”
The Dilillies had been picking up Earth television signals for several centuries.
They had discovered its entertainment possibilities with Adolph Hitler opening
the 1936 Olympic Games and had never looked back. Whenever some Dilillies
felt depression gathering, they’d look at one of the old war newsreels and laugh
themselves out of it. Far funnier than Chaplin, and even sillier than Star Trek
reruns.
“It should be possible, the tigers’ spaceships are fairly close. They’ll be here in
a few weeks. It would be prudent to find out more about what they intend to do
when they get here.”
“Bring on the hielterober; this I’ve got to see!”
Coco started the hielterober. It was something between a virtual reality body-
suit and a huge wardrobe full of invisible fur-coats. After some cursing as he
found the current location of the spaceships, Coco and then John Wayne stood,
somewhat changed in size, on the bridge of the kzin warship Far-Ranging
Prowler. The captain, his weapons officer and the alien technology officer were
in conference before a very pretty view of space in general and Altair in
particular. Coco felt intense pleasure as he looked at the oval outline of his sun.
From Glot it could be almost any color, purple to crimson by way of bright pink,
but from space it was brilliant white. And that green star next to it, that was Glot.
A thing of beauty. He pointed this out to John Wayne, who was studying the
kzinti with fascination. John Wayne was more of a people person.
“They don’t have much to say to each other, do they?” John Wayne whispered.
“And it’s so slow.”
“Bandwidth limitations in the communication channels. Poor things. Very like
human beings, I suspect, but with fur and bigger teeth. They only talk three
languages at a time. But each language is handled by a different part of their
nervous system and so what they wind up telling each other is anybody’s guess.
Most of the time, the captain is telling everyone to be afraid of him. It’s not very
interesting. And the others are telling him they are afraid of him, but it doesn’t
seem to stop him. Perhaps he’s worried they might change their minds.”
“I’m glad you’ve got the translations fixed,” John Wayne commented.
“There’s more going in on the making-growling-noises-at-each-other channel. I
missed it at first, but the big one with the orange stripes is asking the medium-
sized one with the spots whether they are close enough to detect any radio or
television signals. They will be ever so disappointed! Can we go back and make
some for them to detect? We could pass on the human World War II newsreels.
They look as if they could do with a good laugh. Or we could send them my last
poem.”
“I don’t know if they quite deserve that. The tiger people will arrive at Glot
long before the end of the first canto, John Wayne. Still, if that’s their preferred
form of communication, yes, let’s try it. And we should welcome them and show
them something of our culture, although I foresee problems. I think my new
avatar should be ready by now, and we can use that on the television.”
“I can use one of my old avatars, I expect. Might have to scale it up a bit so it
looks like something they would recognize though. Some fur, and teeth perhaps.
I rather fancy my Jabba the Hutt, the pink one, what do you think?”
“Why not? But teeth might be a problem for the captain. I mean, you have to
