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DON AND
DEBRA MACLEOD
HIGH-PERfORMANCE QUICKIES TO JUMP-START ASTALLED SEX LIfE
JEREMYPTARCHERIPE~GUIN
Publi,i-.<clby,h,P,nguinGroup
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Contents
Infau xi
Introduction ""'"
. 'PaId 0_ .
Manual Stimulation
LubeJoh #I. Spot-Fru Rinu 3
LubeJob #2. TheJump Start 14
LubeJob #3. P",verPolish-For&uiGirls Only 24
LubeJob #4. Grab a GMr--Part I 3/
LubeJob #5. Backseat Driver 40
Fellatio
LubeJob #6. You~ GotMale 47
LubeJob #7. TheHot-Oil CIJangc 59
LubeJob #8. Una~r theHood 75
LubeJob #9. Graba GMr-Part II: The Detour 83 • tpaIU [l"iPe •
LubeJob #10. TheEngineSoak 94 Maintenance Coupons
LubeJob #20. Hassle-FreeMaintenance
• tpaIU u,"-, • Sex Coup,ms N I
Accessories
Admowledgmmts 255
LubeJob #11. The Roadside Check 107 lnd~x 257
LubeJob #12. LeatherSeats 127
LubeJob #13.Zero Visibility 135
LubeJob #14. The Fastana theFurious 140
LubeJob #15. R~mote-ControlledP/~asurt' 149
[1"_ .
• tpaIU
Sexual Intercourse
LubeJob #16. RMding theMap
Written Erotica 163
LubeJob #17. The Cht:CkJist-S~XUdlPositions 186
LubeJob #18. The Backseat Drive-In-
Sex in the Car 202
LubeJob #19. Fully Loaded-&....u.:1Massage 217
Preface
You're writinga book about Ulhat?~
"Urn, well, maintenance sex,~ we sheepishly repeat
10 friends over a casual dinner.
We continue to speak, 10elaborate on the book', credi
bility and relevance in modern relationships, bur the faces
across the lableslareat us in mUleamusement as thewords
maintmanct:ux hang in the air. One ofour friends swirls
the wine in her glass, then interrupts us with a laugh.
"Remember Brad?" she asks everyone. "He was al me
six or seven nights a week." Sheshakes her head. "He was
n
definitely oversexed.
"You should be f1atlered,n counters a male friend.
"'What'swrong with six or seven limes a week?That's nor
mal for some guys. He wasn't oversexed, he was just
healthy.~
"You only need 10 exercIse three tlmes a week for
health," s.ays another woman. "The same should go for
..,x. "'bybe b" even. Quality is more imponant than ""hat d.. you picture when you rhink of maint..nancr
quantity." ..,x1 An n hau.trd. woman lying dutifully under h..r man
The n'en around Ihe table vocalize a loud collective in Ihe mi..ionuy posirion1 Perhaps she reach"" out her
groan of~Not nC'CC..arily.~ arm, 10 mundandy read a book nonchalandy amwer a
01
Meanwhile, we mur,gk fo bring fhe focus back 10 the ringing Idephon.. while, wirh grear boredom and heary
book', philosophy. Maintenance isan imponanl i",ue, sigh., .he endurn his rwo minutes of grunt'S and thnue,
we say; ii" nOI a joke. BUI it'. no u The f100dgat"" have Maybe .he Ihrows in an around-the-world eye rollfor ef
opened. and the opinion.and pund.lin""arepouringout. fectashe announces Ihe approach of hismomenrofgloty.
A conversalion formerly I1Ued with imellig<'m discourse How romalllic,
on ......uaIity and the differences belWC'rn men and women Well. ;KuuJly, it can be romantic... ifyou kr il be. lr
isnow nddled wirh sarc:asm, laughler,and asrcady slram all depcn<hon your al1iNde and yout relarionship with
of horridly too-personal anC'Cdofes regarding Ihe too your panncr, lf borh are posirive, rhere's no I'Ca'On an oc
IlllrfullihidosofJ>M1ncn ~h pasl and prescnl. casional nurs-and-bollS io~ an inequirable
SC'lf .....
~'ekam,forcumpk,1f...1when~ Br.o<I wantal. onc---can'l bepan ofadcrplyloving and murually satisfy_
rrnding.hewould spraycopious amountsofcheapcoIogIK ing SC'lllife. In fact,maintenaner SC'lf ....vedour marriage.
"down t~· in the hopeofInnpring his gid~nd to go Anyone who ....ys having children doesn't kill rhe
TO-
sourh. ~Iyfor him,thi. multal. in more skin rash...than mancr cirhcr doesn't ha.... kids or Jon,.~ htrw 1rUh. Try
......ualattention. Donovan lowcn the standard. ofconver Ihinking sexythoughrswhcnyour len-month--old i, pass
sallon more by l"CV'Caling his scun mainl"nan<:c" regimen: ing g.as in hiscrib like, an over'Stuffal. pigl~. Tty,ummon
he waits until his wilhholding wife is askep, then slips in ing enough energy10 climb on lop ofyourJ>M1nerat two
a pornoand usnherbodyfor friction,statingafthe KrcnI o'clock in rhc morning after your th"",-~--okl has
until h..'s finishrJ or me wakes. ~~'hichcv.,r com... fi...r." man:hal. you imo thebathroom forhis {Vo'elfth ~I thought
he says wirh a 'mirlr. Hi. wi& Ioob at him. "Thanks for I had to go".....ion ofrhc nighl.Tty getring in rhO' mood
nol malting mr g<'1up,"she dron..... when your 11""-,,...ar--old has ~n 11.0' faintest traer of a
Mainlenanc........ h.as a bad ",putalion, und.....rvcJ, in f~r. And th.u', ..",e1uding the much-feared lar.....nighl un·
our opinion. And when il isn'l being openly ridiculrJ, it. expected and inrerruplus calls of ~Mom, Dad. whar arc
bring otherwisesland..redasrhe bane ofa woman', sexual you laughing abourin rhere1" followed by a frantic...ard.
..",isrencr. Unfonunafdy, lhete is a S1..rrotypical image of foryourbalhrobesasyou h....rthe pirter-p:meroflil1lef 1
mainl..nancrsexrhae,<kspir..rh..jok..., isboll.sexband coming down the hall al speed..you neverdreamed a.iz.....
joyl...... three frog-slippered fool could travel.
_II p••roe. pr.roe. .,"
All parents experience this child-induced celibacy to back home to work. Don visited on the weekends and of
some degree. Increase the number ofkids, and the degree ten during the week, makingthe trek back home at one or
creeps upwardaswell.Wehaveonlyonechild, so you'd as two o'clockin the morning to be back in the office by six.
sume we're hanging on somewhere just above room tem Debra spent her days and nights at our son'sside, cringing
perature, and today that'sprobably true. But it didn't start every three hours at the Danh Vader-like suction sounds
out that way. ofthe breast pump, and dreading the constant bing-bings
We were married less than a year when Debra became of the baby's monitor as it announced even the smaIlest,
pregnant. It was a normal pregnancy, healthy and sex most benign change in his hean rate or breathing.
filled, until one afternoon at seven months when every We made it through those months and prevailed.l\Iore
thing changed. Debra's blood pressure skyrocketed to important, so did our beautiful little boy. But as you can
stroke levels, and she was confined to a hospital bed with imagine, our relationship took a backseat to everything
preeclampsia-without warning, preparation, or negotia from baby medications to money worries.Sex was avague
tion. Withouteven being able to head back to theoffice to memory.
tie up loose ends or explain the circumstances to the boss It was the end ofa frozen November when we were fi
or angry dients. Suddenly, it was bed rest twenty-four nally able to bring our son home from the hospital, right
hours a day, seven days aweek.As it turned out, we didn't in the middle ofa particularly nasty winter during which
even make it a week. time everycold and flu virus known to mankind seemed to
Only three days later, at three o'dock in the morning, be thriving. For the next few months,we lived in astate of
the fetal heart monitor showed the baby was in distress, perpetual fear,for we had been warned byourson'sneona
which, incidentally, is a more genteel way ofsaying it was tologists and pediatricians that contact with the common
dying. Less than an hour later, Debra lay postoperatively cold could lead to pneumonia in his delicate lungs.
in the recovery room while Don stared at his two-pound Both mom and babywere under medical house arrest
son, his bony limbs splayed apart and his red, tissue-thin for six months, Debra was unable to take our son to any
translucent skin pulled tightover his tinychest. At[east he public place. And her prepregnancy plan to put the baby
stared at what he could seeofhim, for with the tubes and in day care so she could continue to pursue her career as a
cords wrapped around him he looked more like an insect lav.yer? That disappeared faster than a p"ycheck in the
dinging to life in a spiderweb than a child lying in an in babyaisle. The riskofpneumoniamadedaycare out ofthe
cubator. question, and Debra lost her job. Within the space ofsev
Our son spent two months in the neonatal intensive eral weeks, she had gone from being aprofessional woman
care unit. Becausewe lived in acity two hours away, Debra withaday-timer to astay-at-home mom with daytime tele
had to stay in the hospital with our son while Don went vision.
."
preface p,erace ""
But back to the sex. ing for her (although Don has quite fond memories of
You'd think that after having suffered through two them). It wasn't for another week that she began to feel
months of forced abstinence we'd be back at it the first thoseoldtingles resurface and thecravings begin To return.
night we were in the privacy ofour own bed. Not so. Not Itwasasthough the maintenancesexwas an appetizer that
the second, third, or fourth nights, either. When Don hadwhelted hersexual hunger, and soon we were enjoying
came home after work, Debradidn't greet him at the door fine dining like never before.
with a kiss; she ordered him to the sink and hovered as he We also found that ourphysical closeness was acatalyst
scrubbed his hands, elbows to fingertips, while simultane to reestablishing our emotional closeness as husband and
ously assuringher that nobodyat theoffice had sneezedall wife. For us, maintenance sex was a way to connect physi
day. He was no longer her husband but a potential germ cally and emotionally during a time we felt particularly
vector. disconnected. In the midst of our distractions and dis
Fearthatyour five-pound babyisgoingTo get pneumo tance, maintenance sexwas a lifeline that revived our inti
nia is an antiaphrodisiac. We weren't husband and wife macy as a couple. Ofcourse, it's possible that we would
that first month home, and we certainly weren't lovers.We have found a nonsexual way to reconnect, particularly
were just two people trying to keep a third person whom since we'd always had excellent communication, but that's
we hardly knew alive. Almost immediately, we fell into a not how it happened.
sexless paltern ofhand washing and worry. l\hintenance sex can play an important part in any
It wasn't until a month after the baby was home, some long-term loving relationship. Perhaps you and your part
three months since we'd been intimate, that something ner havejust brought your first child homeandyou're feel
shifted. Debra recalls watching a daytime television show ing overwhelmed and overworked. Maybe you're going
about unfaithful husbands and how important sex is to a through a stressful period at work, or maybe things have
man and a marriage.As if bydesign, Don brought flowers simply cooled off over time. Or maybe things are as hot
home and arranged for Grandma to babysit so we could and heavyasever, and you'rejust practicinga little preven
have a heart-To-heart about how we hadn't been intimate tativecare.Itis remarkable how manyofus share the same
in months,how hewasfeeling forgotten, andhowwe were experiencesand emotions, and perhaps you'll geta sense of
losing "cs." Debra didn't wait for another sign. Armed this solidarity by reading some of the couples' stories In
with her disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizer, she once this book.
again ventured into the populated world outside her front Regardless of your situation, we hope you'll come to
door, in the direction ofthe nearest lingerie shop. think ofmaintenance sex as we do: asa legitimate and ro
Debra admits that our first few nights of sexual inti mantic aspect of a committed relationship. We also hope
macy after that period ofsexlessness were less than satisfy- that youwill findenough ideas, information, and advice in
"" preface p,erace
this bookto helpyou explore newaspects ofyour sexuality
as a couple and to enjoy each other's sexual company in
undiscovered ways. A good sex life is fundamental to alov
ing partnership, and great maintenance sex is a splendid
and sustainingshow oflove.
Introduction
Even the most mechanically disindined woman knows
thatacar requires regularattention ifit isto remain re
liable. Itneeds to have its tires rotated,its radiator Rushed,
its brakes checked, and its oil changed. Ordinarily, a
woman recognizes the imporlance of this full-body, full
engine attention and is happy to set aside the time and ef
fort to lake her vehide to a full-service garage. She loves
thesmooth rideshegets asaresult, and she andhercar can
continue their love affair, dodging bumps in the road and
exceeding posted speed limits with blissful impunity. Un
like other motorists, she never has to worry about being
stranded on the side of the road, hood up, engine steam
ing, pride and hope fading.
But what about those occasions when a woman istoo
busy,too tired, or simply too btoke to indulge her beloved
vehicle in the full-service treatment? W'hat is a woman to
do when the sticker on the corner ofher car's windshield
warm that the oil needed to be changed a thousand miles
._11I
preface
before, but she doesn't have the time to ramper all ofher anddesire, even when you're busyor not in the mood, you
car', mechanical parts for a full dayata luxury German car show him that his sexual contentment isa priority for you.
spa? Well, she doe, what all smart, busy women do. She Lub.Job, supplie, awoman with a spicy menu ofimag
takes it to the corner drive-thru lube station and spends inative maintenance sexoptions she can haveat her finger
ten minutes in the driver's seat with her tall latte and a tips when she's running low on creative energy. Using
n-
courtesy copy of Time< while the techies perform a spontaneityand variety as main ingredient', each lube job
quickie on the oil filter. offers a fresh way to satislY a man'ssexual appetite without
Your man is not so different from a machine. He too serving him a dish ofbland bedroom predictability. Some
needs full servicing on a regular basis: he needs his motor are no-nonsense, no-frills maintenance quickie, with no
revvedand cooledwith care, his gears greased,and his tim props or prep time whatsoever, whereas others are more
ing belt changed. Fortunately for you, he doesn't require elaborate, requiring more time and effort.
this level ofcare everyday. Sometimesall he needs isa top Lube jobs also boast full-spectrum content, including
offofgasoline, a quick wipe with a clean cloth, and a slap seductive scenarios, naughty sexual techniques for hand
on his hood to send him on his way. Lub.Job, is for those and oralstimulation, and tipson the use ofsexual aids and
times, timesyou want to keephisengine runningsmoothly toys. Some may use visual sexual imagery,while others of
with drive-thru speed and efficiency. It', for those times he fer written erotica. One may rely on asexual frenzy ofdif
wants sex, but you want ,Ieep. ferent positions, while the next may suggest the serenity of
Even in the healthiest and happie't of relationships, sensual massage and hot-"one therapy. A number may
many women find that their parmers crave sex more often take place in the bedroom, but the closet, car, and office
than they do. The lube jobs in this book are a great way aren'toff-limits.Severallubejobscan even be incorporated
to provide regular maintenance sex. They keep your man into your daily routine---from the shower to the supper
satisfiedduringthose times you'd prefer to pass on the pas table---so that you can get the job done without veering
sion while at the same time sustainingyour sexual connec offschedule.
tion as a couple. Cutout maintenance sex coupons have also been in
'When it comes to performing maintenance,attitude is cluded. Place them in your man', keeping, and let him re
everything. Itmust never be considered achore: your part deem them at his pleasure. With each new chapter, you
ner will catch thosevibesandwill feelself-conscious, guilty, can expect a unique, exciting, and practical way to main
and eventually resentful. Instead of dismissing mainte tain your man.
nancesex as an obligation, embrace it as an opportunity to 'While it is true that maintenance sex i, blatant body
showyour man how deeplyyou care for him and how im servicing and your man is the one having all the work
portanthis pleasure isto you. BysatisfYinghiscarnal needs done, there', no reason you can't have fun while on duty.
".,
"" Introduction Introduction
