Loving Him Without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself

305 Pages·2001·0.93 MB·English

by  Beverly Engel

B u s i n e s s C u l i n a r y A r c h i t e c t u r e
C o m p u t e r G e n e r a l I n t e r e s t
C h i l d r e n L i f e S c i e n c e s B i o g r a p h y
A c c o u n t i n g F i n a n c e M a t h e m a t i c s
H i s t o r y S e l f - I m p r o v e m e n t H e a l t h
E n g i n e e r i n g G r a p h i c D e s i g n
A p p l i e d S c i e n c e s P s y c h o l o g y
I n t e r i o r D e s i g n B i o l o g y C h e m i s t r y
e
WILEY
B O O K
WILEY
JOSSEY-BASS
PFEIFFER
J.K.LASSER
CAPSTONE
WILEY-LISS
WILEY-VCH
WILEY-INTERSCIENCE
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Loving Him
without
Losing You
Engel fm 10/17/00 12:16 PM Page ii
Also by Beverly Engel:
The Right to Innocence
Divorcing a Parent
The Emotionally Abused Woman
Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman
Partners in Recovery
Families in Recovery
Raising Your Sexual Self-Esteem
Beyond the Birds and the Bees
Blessings from the Fall
The Parenthood Decision
Sensual Sex
Engel fm 10/17/00 12:16 PM Page iii
Loving Him
without
Losing You
How to Stop Disappearing
and Start Being Yourself
(cid:2)
B e v e r l y E n g e l
JOHN WILEY & SONS, INC.
New York Chichester Weinheim Brisbane Singapore Toronto
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This book is printed on acid-free paper.
Copyright © 2000 by Beverly Engel. All rights reserved
Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Published simultaneously in Canada
Excerpt from Frida Kahlo’s diary reproduced with the permission of the Banco de Mexico,
Subgerencia Juridica Fiduciaria, Mexico City, and the Instituto National de Bellas Artes,
Mexico City.
Design and production by Navta Associates, Inc.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted
in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording,scanning,
or otherwise, except as permitted under Sections 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States
Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authoriza-
tion through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center,
222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, [phone], fax [phone]. Requests
to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John
Wiley & Sons, Inc., 605 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10158-0012, [phone], fax
[phone], E-Mail: [email protected].
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard
to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not
engaged in rendering professional services. If professional advice or other expert assis-
tance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Engel, Beverly.
Loving him without losing you: how to stop disappearing and start being yourself/
Beverly Engel.
p. cm.
Includes index.
ISBN 0-471-35558-5 (alk. paper)
1. Relationship addiction. 2. Codependency. 3. Women—Mental health. I. Title.
RC552.R44 E53 2000
616.86—dc21 99-052075
Printed in the United States of America
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
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This book is dedicated to all the courageous women
I’ve worked with through the years
who have transformed themselves
from Disappearing Women to Women of Substance,
as well as those who are in the process.
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Acknowledgments
(cid:2)
First and foremost I wish to thank my wonderful agent, Stedman Mays, who
was enthusiastic about the book from the beginning and who provided impor-
tant feedback throughout. I appreciate your hard work, your constant support,
and your wonderful sense of humor.
Next I would like to thank Tom Miller, my editor at Wiley. I have never
had an editor who took as much interest in one of my books or who worked
harder to create the best version of the book possible. Thank you for your dili-
gence and your brilliance.
A special thank you to the women I interviewed for the book, as well as
those clients whose stories added invaluable insight into the Disappearing
Woman syndrome.
Thanks also to everyone who read my manuscript and gave me feedback.
The book wouldn’t have been as substantial without the research of Carol
Gilligan, Michael Gurian, Ernest Hartmann, J. Kreisman, Paul T. Mason, and
Randi Kreger, and it would have lacked depth without the work of Carl Jung.
I also owe a debt of gratitude to the Women of Substance who have influ-
enced my life and the book: poet May Sarton; Deena Metzger, author of
Writing for Your Life;Alice Koller, author of An Unknown Woman: A Jour-
ney of Self-Discovery; Judith Viorst, author of Necessary Losses; Linda
Schierse Leonard, author of The Wounded Woman; and last but not least,
Gloria Steinem.
I would also like to thank Gloria Steinem, Mia Farrow, Claire Bloom, and
Drew Barrymore, whose personal stories were used as examples to help other
women.
Finally, a heartfelt thank-you to Barbara Stephens, Ph.D., whose brilliant
work with me helped me in my quest to become a Woman of Substance.
vii
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Contents
(cid:2)
Introduction 1
Part I. Disappearing Women
7
1 Are You a Disappearing Woman? 9
2 How Women Lose Themselves in Relationships:
The Four Truths You Need to Know 16
3 Why Women Tend to Lose Themselves in Relationships:
The Cultural, Biological, and Psychological Influences 25
4 The Disappearing Woman Continuum 45
Part II. How to Maintain Your Sense of Self while
Flourishing in a Relationship: The Seven Commitments
63
5 Commitment 1: Learn to Go Slowly 65
6 Commitment 2: Be Yourself and Tell the Truth about
Yourself 84
7 Commitment 3: Maintain a Separate Life 102
8 Commitment 4: Stay in the Present and in Reality 121
9 Commitment 5: Don’t Go Changing to Try to Please Him 140
10 Commitment 6: Cultivate Equal Relationships 151
11 Commitment 7: Speak Your Mind 159
ix