Listen Up or Lose Out: How to Avoid Miscommunication, Improve Relationships, and Get More Done Faster

285 Pages·2018·3.245 MB·English

by  Robert Bolton, Dorothy Grover Bolton

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LISTEN UP
OR LOSE OUT
ALSO BY ROBERT BOLTON AND DOROTHY GROVER BOLTON
Social Style/ Management Style:
Developing Productive Work Relationships
People Styles at Work:
Making Bad Relationships Good
and Good Relationships Better
What Great Trainers Do:
The Ultimate Guide to Delivering
Engaging and Effective Training
BY ROBERT BOLTON
People Skills: How to Assert Yourself,
Listen to Others and Resolve Conflicts
‘‘
Robert Bolton and
Dorothy Grover Bolton
LISTEN
UP
OR
LOSE
OUT
’’
How to Avoid Miscommunication,
Improve Relationships, and
Get More Done Faster
AMERICAN MANAGEMENT ASSOCIATION
New York • Atlanta • Brussels • Chicago • Mexico City • San Francisco
Shanghai • Tokyo • Toronto • Washington, D.C.
To Our Children
William Gabor
Robert Gabor
Hallie Hawkins
James Bolton
Betsy Bolton
Douglas Bolton
Kristin Bolton
A good listener is not only popular everywhere,
but after a while he knows something.
—WILSON MIZNER
CONTENTS
Introduction: What This Book Will Do for You xi
PART I WHY IMPROVE YOUR LISTENING?
1. Quality Listening Enhances Work Relationships 3
2. Listening Well Is Good Business 15
3. A Good Listener Is a Rare Find 23
4. Quality Listening Strengthens Personal Relationships 31
PART II DO’S AND DON’TS OF GREAT LISTENING
5. Trouble Spots in the Talking–Listening Process 43
6. Identifying Your Listening Missteps 53
7. Reducing Major Missteps 67
8. Skill-Based Listening 71
9. Whose Turn Is it? 77
10. Focus Your Attention 83
11. Be a Great Asker 95
12. Creating and Sequencing Productive Questions 101
PART III REFLECTING CONTENT
13. Reflective Listening: Antidote to Miscommunication 115
14. Paraphrase What’s Important 129
15. Listen Through the Pauses 141
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PART IV READING AND REFLECTING OTHER PEOPLE’S FEELINGS
16. Why Listen to People’s Feelings? 151
17. “Read” People’s Feelings 161
18. Reflect Feelings and Meanings 171
PART V THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND
19. Wrap It Up with a Summary Reflection 185
20. Results-Focused Listening 193
21. The Listening Spirit 209
22. Make Great Listening Part of Your Everyday Life 219
Appendix 231
Endnotes 243
Index 261
Free Sample from People Styles at Work . . . and Beyond
by Robert and Dorothy Grover Bolton 271
About AMACOM Books 282
INTRODUCTION
What This Book Will Do for You
Listening is not only the skill that lets you into the
other person’s world; it is also the single most pow-
erful move you can make to keep the conversation
constructive.
—DOUGLAS STONE, BRUCE PATTON,
AND SHEILA HEEN
LIKE MOST PEOPLE at work and in their personal lives, you probably
spend many hours a day conversing with others informally or in meet-
ings, face-to-face interactions, telephone calls, and so forth. These conver-
sations can either strengthen or weaken work and other interpersonal
relationships, including ties to friends and loved ones. As consultant Susan
Scott notes, “[O]ur work, our relationships, our very lives succeed or fail . . .
one conversation at a time.”1
When people converse, they generally underestimate the importance
of listening. They tend to be more concerned about talking than about
how well they listen. As they anticipate significant conversations, they
worry about what they’re going to say, not whether they’ll get what the
other person is communicating.
Unquestionably, the ability to speak effectively is a key asset. But the
undramatic skill of listening is no less important.2 As Thoreau pointed
out, “It takes two to speak the truth—one to speak and the other to hear.”3
Listening lies at the heart of just about everything we do with people.
The average person spends about 50 percent more time listening than
speaking.4 In fact, the typical person listens about a book’s worth a day.5
Regrettably, as you’ll see in Chapter 3, the typical listener actually misses
more of a message than she takes in.
When listening is ineffective, meaningful conversation is unlikely. And
poor listening can be costly. It’s frustrating to think of the information that
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