Let's pretend this never happened : (a mostly true memoir)

259 Pages·2012·2.33 MB·English

by  Jenny Lawson

Let’s Pretend
This Never Happened
Let’s Pretend
This Never Happened
(A Mostly True Memoir)
Jenny Lawson
THE BLOGGESS
AMY EINHORN BOOKS
Published by G. P. Putnam’s Sons
a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
New York
AMY EINHORN BOOKS
Published by G. P. Putnam’s Sons Publishers Since 1838
Published by the Penguin Group
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Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand,
London WC2R 0RL, England Copyright © 2012 by Jenny Lawson All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced,
scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of
copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.
Published simultaneously in Canada “Amy Einhorn Books” and the “ae” logo are registered trademarks belonging to Penguin Group
(USA) Inc.
Endpaper art: Wildlife © Madeleine Northey, 2012. All rights reserved.
[email protected]
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Lawson, Jenny, date.
Let’s pretend this never happened : (a mostly true memoir) / Jenny Lawson.
p. cm.
ISBN: 978-1-101-57308-2
1. Lawson, Jenny. 2. Journalists—United States—Biography. 3. Humorists, American—21st century—Biography. I. Title. II.
Title: Let’s pretend this never happened.
PN4874.L285A3 2012 2011050662
070.92—dc23
Printed in the United States of America 1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2
BOOK DESIGN BY NICOLE LAROCHE
Although the incidents in this book are substantially as I remember them, the names and certain identifying features of some people
portrayed in it have been changed to protect their privacy. ~ Jenny Lawson While the author has made every effort to provide accurate
telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for
errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any
responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.
Penguin is committed to publishing works of quality and integrity. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this book to our readers;
however, the story, the experiences, and the words are the author’s alone.
ALWAYS LEARNING PEARSON
This book is a love letter to my family. It’s about the surprising discovery
that the most terribly human moments—the ones we want to pretend
never happened—are the very same moments that make us who we are
today. I’ve reserved the very best stories of my life for this book . . . to
celebrate the strange, and to give thanks for the bizarre. Because you are
defined not by life’s imperfect moments, but by your reaction to them.
And because there is joy in embracing—rather than running screaming
from—the utter absurdity of life. I thank my family for teaching me that
lesson. In spades.
I want to thank everyone who helped me create this book, except for that guy
who yelled at me in Kmart when I was eight because he thought I was being “too
rowdy.”
You’re an asshole, sir.
Why, Yes, There Is a Method to My Madness
Contents
Introduction
I Was a Three-Year-Old Arsonist
My Childhood: David Copperfield Meets Guns & Ammo Magazine
Stanley, the Magical Talking Squirrel
Don’t Tell Your Parents
Jenkins, You Motherfucker
If You Need an Arm Condom, It Might Be Time to Reevaluate Some of Your
Life Choices
Draw Me a Fucking Dog
And That’s Why Neil Patrick Harris Would Be the Most Successful Mass
Murderer Ever
No One Ever Taught Me Couch Etiquette
Just Your Average Engagement Story
It Wasn’t Stew
Married on the Fourth of July
There’s No Place Like Home
A Series of Helpful Post-it Notes I Left Around the House for My Husband This
Week
The Dark and Disturbing Secrets HR Doesn’t Want You to Know
If You See My Liver, You’ve Gone Too Far
My Vagina Is Fine. Thanks for Asking
Phone Conversation I Had with My Husband After I Got Lost for the Eighty
Thousandth Time
And Then I Got Stabbed in the Face by a Serial Killer
Thanks for the Zombies, Jesus
Making Friends with Girls
I Am the Wizard of Oz of Housewives (In That I Am Both “Great and Terrible”
and Because I Sometimes Hide Behind the Curtains)
The Psychopath on the Other Side of the Bathroom Door
An Open Letter to My Husband, Who Is Asleep in the Next Room
Just to Clarify: We Don’t Sleep with Goats
Stabbed by Chicken
It Wasn’t Even My Crack
Honestly, I Don’t Even Know Where I Got That Machete: A Comic Tragedy in
Three Parts Days
I’m Going to Need an Old Priest and a Young Priest
And That’s Why You Should Learn to Pick Your Battles
Hairless Rats: Free for Kids Only
And Then I Snuck a Dead Cuban Alligator on an Airplane
You Can’t Go Home Again (Unless You Want to Get Mauled by Wild Dogs)
Epilogue
The End (Sort of)
True Facts
Acknowledgments