It's Not Just Who You Know: Transform Your Life (and Your Organization) by Turning Colleagues and Contacts into Lasting, Genuine Relationships

232 Pages·2010·1.43 MB·English

by  Tommy Spaulding

Acclaim for It’s Not Just Who You Know
“Tommy Spaulding has done something quite amazing. He has combined a deeply
moving personal memoir with a practical tutorial on building genuinely enriching
relationships. It’s Not Just Who You Know is an open, honest, and authentic book by
a talented teller of real-life tales about one of the most fundamental of human truths.
You’ll be moved, uplifted, and educated. You’ll find yourself laughing, crying, and
nodding in agreement. It’s Not Just Who You Know is a one-of-a-kind masterwork,
and you need to buy it, read it, and give it to your friends and family. You will be
thankful that you did.”
—Jim Kouzes, coauthor of The Leadership Challenge and The Truth About
Leadership, Dean’s Executive Professor of Leadership, Leavey School of
Business, Santa Clara University
“Tommy Spaulding teaches us the joy and value of investing in relationships!”
—James H. Maynard, chairman and cofounder, Golden Corral Corporation
“Someone once told me that your students do not care how much you know until they
know how much you care. This is true in all relationships; and this book provides the
tools needed in cultivating your relationships at any level. Tommy’s book is a
homerun. It’s Not Just Who You Know is a must read if you are interested in
transforming your life.
—Frank DeAngelis, principal, Columbine High School
“A remarkable collection of insights that teaches how generosity, humility and
thankfulness will take your business and personal relationships to the next level!”
—Jason Jennings, bestselling author of Hit the Ground Running and Think
Big, Act Small
“I didn’t want the book to end. I found myself hanging on every word and making notes
in the margins as I connected the concepts to my own experiences. This book
presents so many deep truths about transformational leadership in a way that is easily
understandable to any audience. I will give every member of my staff a copy of It’s Not
Just Who You Know.”
—Dr. Barney Forsythe, president, Westminster College
“Tommy Spaulding is masterful at building relationships that matter. In It’s Not Just
Who You Know, he shares powerful lessons and weaves them into a fascinating
modern-day follow-on to Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends & Influence People. I
only wish that I had this book early in my own career.”
—Richard R. Eakin, chancellor emeritus, East Carolina University
“Nothing is more important than our connection with other people. It’s what’s behind
everything we do. With this book, Tommy inspires us with his first-hand experiences
and insight to reach for those deeper relationships that make everything more
worthwhile. Read this and you’ll be better for it.”
—Sam Parker, bestselling author of 212° the extra degree
“Inspiring and moving! Tommy is someone who truly understands the human heart.
This is a book that I will not only give to all our teachers and staff, but more
importantly, all our students.”
—Dr. Jill Scheulen, principal, Crestview Middle School
“Tommy lives, teaches, and leads from the heart. The message and tools in this book
will not only change your organization and your career, but your life.
—Jared Polis, U.S. congressman and founder of Proflowers.com and
Bluemountainarts.com
“Truly compelling! As I have watched my friend Tommy live out these principles and
faith journey, I have seen it not only transform his life, but those around him. This is
THE BOOK on authentic servant leadership.”
—Mark Schultz, GMA Dove Award– and Platinum Award–winning
singer/songwriter

Dedicated to my father, Tom Spaulding Sr.,
the greatest man I have ever known.
In loving memory of Anthony D’Aquanni,
Tom France, Paul Gillett, Keli McGregor,
and Lori Nolan.
Contents
Foreword by Ken Blanchard
Introduction: Standing on Carnegie’s Shoulders
SECTION ONE RELATIONSHIP DISCOVERIES
1 An Unlikely Prodigy
2 The Bartender
3 Relationship Economics
SECTION TWO HOW to BUILD RELATIONSHIP CAPITAL
4 The Five Floors of Relationships
5 What You Do
6 Don’t Shoot the Moose
7 Do Your Homework
8 Breaking the Ice … and Stirring It Up
9 Back of the Business Card
10 Leveraging Philanthropy
11 Never Kiss on the First Date
12 Don’t Be a Chirping Bird
13 Pardon Me While I Talk to Your Wife
14 Relentless Communication
15 Play Chess, Not Monopoly
16 Seek Advice, Not Business
17 He’s Just Not That into Me
SECTION THREE The POWER of NETGIVING
18 Making Business Personal
19 Beyond Networking
20 Authenticity: Making Relationships Real
21 Empathy: Setting a Cornerstone for Trust
22 Vulnerability: Opening a Window into Your Inner World
23 Confidentiality: Living the Law of the Vault
24 Curiosity: The Power of Asking Questions
25 Generosity: Acting on Your Awareness
26 Humility: The Gift of Perspective
27 Humor: Living with Levity
28 Gratitude: The Art of Being Thankful
SECTION FOUR RELATIONSHIFT: LIFE in the PENTHOUSE
29 Journey to the Penthouse
30 The Ultimate Middel Man
31 Moore than Meets the Eye
32 Collecting What Matters
33 Fifth Floor Givers
34 Living Give/Get from the Outside/In
35 Elevation: Advance, Link, and Lift
36 Serving the Stakeholders
37 Warnings
SECTION FIVE PUTTING PURPOSE FIRST
38 Relationships +Vision = Impact
39 Orion’s Belt
40 How to Make the World Spin Better
Acknowledgments
Foreword
My dad graduated from Dale Carnegie’s first course in 1927, so I grew up on How to
Win Friends & Influence People. Carnegie’s concepts are timeless in terms of
beginning relationships. And yet Tommy Spaulding realized there was more. He has
learned a lesson that I think only comes with age: you finally become an adult when you
realize that life is all about serving rather than being served, giving rather than getting,
and, as Zig Ziglar often says, “Realizing that people don’t care how much you know until
they know how much you care.”
Tommy’s teaching in this book is about developing genuine, lasting relationships.
These are the kind of people who, if you’re hurting and call for support, are out the door
to help you—no questions asked. They show up to cover your back when the going gets
rough. In short, they’re there for you. Why? Because they know you’d do the same for
them.
I’m a big fan of Tommy Spaulding and It’s Not Just Who You Know. Read this book.
Apply its wisdom and live its principles. I guarantee the payoff will be amazing for you
and the people whose lives you touch. You’ll generate what Tommy calls Return on
Relationship or ROR. Practicing these principles not only improves the financial health
of individuals, organizations, and communities—it brings joy and fulfillment as well.
Life is about more than winning friends and influencing people—it’s about serving
others. When you make a difference in other people’s lives, guess what? It makes a
difference in your life, too. Thanks, Tommy.
—Ken Blanchard, coauthor of The One Minute
Manager® and Helping People Win at Work
Introduction
Standing on Carnegie’s Shoulders
I
t was Dale Carnegie and his book How to Win Friends & Influence People that got me
started on nurturing and developing the relationships that have been so central to my life.
I kept a copy of the book on my nightstand next to my bed as I made my way through
high school, college, graduate school, and into my business career. I lived that book—I
lived it, I would argue, like few others. Why? Because it resonated with my every instinct.
I became obsessed with sending handwritten notes, with returning phone calls, with
sending birthday cards, with using people’s names, and with recognizing other people.
To this day, anytime I’m reading the newspaper and I come across a positive article
about someone I know, I cut it out and I send it to that person with a handwritten note. If
their mother is alive, I’ll write, “You might want to send this to your mom. She’d be proud
to put it on her refrigerator!” I do that a couple of hundred times a year, and I doubt that
will ever change.
For years it seemed like the things I had learned in that book would open every door in
every hallway that ever came my way. Carnegie’s message, after all, survives even today
because it works. Do what he teaches and, in fact, you will win friends and influence
people. You will grow your Rolodex like kudzu in Mississippi, and you’ll get more
Christmas letters than Saint Nick. And isn’t that how you build a career? Isn’t that how
you advance in business? Isn’t that the heart of the message “It’s not what you know, but
who you know?”
Well, as I have come to learn, there is more. What you know is important, and who you
know is critical. But real success is about much more than what or who you know.
Indeed, it’s the more than that really matters when it comes to advancing your career
and building a business or an organization. It’s the more than that allows you to find
satisfaction in your life, both at work and at home. It’s the more than that can bring
meaningful change to your community. And it’s the more than that can change the world.
Why set small goals, right?
Carnegie helped start me on that ambitious path. But his groundbreaking book—an
international bestseller even today, more than seventy years after it was first published in
1937—could only take me so far. I knew that I’d never stop using the techniques and
principles he taught, but then I began digging much deeper into the value of great
relationships and the ways to go about developing them.
And the more I’ve examined and dug, the more I’ve come to realize how much
individuals and organizations—corporations, small businesses, foundations,
governments, nonprofits, churches, etc.—can benefit from the skills and attitudes that are
essential for building deep, meaningful professional relationships. I’m not talking about
relationships that get you a Christmas card. I’m talking about relationships that get you
invited to Christmas dinner.
By standing on the shoulders of Carnegie’s masterpiece, we can live out a greater