It's My Life Now : Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence

278 Pages·2000·1.08 MB·English

by  Meg Kennedy Dugan

It(cid:146)s My Life Now

It(cid:146)s My Life Now

Starting over
after an abusive relationship
or domestic violence

MEG KENNEDY DUGAN, M.A.
New England College
ROGER R.HOCK, Ph.D.
Mendocino College

ROUTLEDGE
NEW YORK AND LONDON
Published in 2000 by
Routledge
29 West 35th Street
New York, New York 10001

This edition published in the Taylor & Francis e-Library, 2002.

Published in Great Britain by
Routledge
11 New Fetter Lane
London EC4P 4EE

Copyright © 2000 by M.Dugan and R.Hock
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced
or utilized in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means,
now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording,
or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission
in writing from the publishers.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Dugan, Meg Kennedy.
It’s my life now: starting over after an abusive relationship/by Meg
Kennedy Dugan & Roger R.Hock.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 0-415-92358-1 (pb.: alk. paper)
1. Abused women—Life skills guides. 2. Separation (Psychology) 3. Single
women—Life skills guides. I. Title. II Hock, Roger R., 1948–
HV6626.D84 2000
362.82’924 21-dc21 99-044898
CIP
ISBN 0-203-90666-7 Master e-book ISBN

ISBN 0-203-90744-2 (Adobe eReader Format)
ISBN 0-415-92358-1 (Print Edition)
Contents

Acknowledgments ix
Introduction xi
SELF-EXPLORATION “HEALING IN PROGRESS” xviii
Part I LOOKING BACK
1
1. Were You in an Abusive Relationship? 3
SELF-EXPLORATION “ABUSIVE BEHAVIORS INVENTORY” 16
2. Are You Out of Danger Now? 17
SELF-EXPLORATION “ASSESSING YOUR RISK” 30
3. How Could This Have Happened? 34
SELF-EXPLORATION “WHAT YOU HEARD GROWING UP” 41
4. The Hidden Horror: Sexual Abuse 43
SELF-EXPLORATION “SELF-TALK” 56
Part II NOW
57
5. Do You Still Love Him? 59
SELF-EXPLORATION “WHY YOU LOVED HIM” 65
6. Losing Your Partner, Your Dream, Your Life 66
SELF-EXPLORATION “EXPRESSING YOUR FEELINGS” 76
7. When Feelings Overwhelm You 78
SELF-EXPLORATION “ASSESSING YOUR FEELINGS” 90
8. Signs of Unfinished Healing 103
SELF-EXPLORATION “IS THE NEGATIVE TALK YOURS?” 112
9. Managing Your Stress 116
SELF-EXPLORATIONS
EXERCISE 1 “TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF” 120
EXERCISE 2 “SCHEDULE STRESSFUL THOUGHTS” 121
vi Contents
EXERCISE 2A “STRESSFUL THOUGHTS INVENTORY” 122
EXERCISE 2B “WEEK TWO: THOUGHT PARTITIONING
ASSESSMENT” 123
EXERCISE 3A “THOUGHT STOPPING” 124
EXERCISE 3B “THOUGHT SUBSTITUTION” 126
EXERCISE 4 “THERE’S ALWAYS TOO MUCH TO DO” 128
EXERCISE 5 “DEEP BREATHING” 130
EXERCISE 6 “PROGRESSIVE MUSCLE RELAXATION” 132
EXERCISE 7 “VISUALIZATION” 134
EXERCISE 8 “MEDITATION” 136
EXERCISE 9 “CREATE YOUR PERSONAL RELAXATION TAPE”137
EXERCISE 10 “PHYSICAL EXERCISE” 138
10. What About the Children? 139
SELF-EXPLORATION “CHILD ASSESSMENT” 154
11. The Reactions of Others 156
SELF-EXPLORATION “EVALUATING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS” 167
Part III LOOKING FORWARD
169
12. Practical Considerations 171
SELF-EXPLORATION “HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU NEED
TO SURVIVE?” 182
13. Beginning to Heal 186
SELF-EXPLORATION “DO YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP?” 196
14. Believing in Yourself 201
SELF-EXPLORATION “WHO ARE YOU?” 208
15. The Temptation to Go Back 214
SELF-EXPLORATION “CONSIDERING YOUR OPTIONS” 223
16. Is He Still in Your Life? 224
SELF-EXPLORATION “PLANNING AHEAD FOR CONTACT” 231
17. Loving Again 233
SELF-EXPLORATION “WHAT TO LOOK FOR AND
WHAT TO AVOID” 242
POSTSCRIPT
243
RESOURCES
245
INDEX
249
For our loving, supportive,
and patient spouses,
David S.Dugan and Diane Perin Hock
This book is also dedicated
to survivors of relationship abuse
and domestic violence
who are, or will be,
on the path toward healing

Acknowledgments

Many thanks to Heidi A.Freund, Publishing Director at Routledge,
Shea Settimi, Editorial Assistant, and Krister Swartz, Production
Editor, for their commitment to and support of this project from the
beginning. The authors also express their combined appreciation for
the generous assistance of Timothy Russell, Chief of Police in
Henniker, New Hampshire, and Michelle, a survivor of domestic
violence, both of whom have been instrumental in educating their
communities about the horrors and pain of relationship abuse and
domestic violence.
Meg Dugan extends her personal appreciation to her husband,
David S.Dugan, and mother, Helen C.Kennedy, without whom this
book would not have been possible. She is also grateful to her New
England College colleagues Muriel Schlosser, Dr. Joseph Petrick,
Patricia Brown, Beth Varnum, and Michael T.McNerney. She would
like to thank her sister, Elizabeth Delisi, her father, Theodore
F.Kennedy, and her lifelong friend Virginia Page for lending their
support through the many months of the writing process.
Roger Hock expresses his heartfelt thanks to Diane Perin Hock
and Caroline Hock who lovingly and unselfishly endured the necessity
of a temporary decrease in their treasured time together as a family
during the writing and preparation of this book.

ix