Table Of ContentCONTENTS
NerdLove
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Foreword
Part 1: The Honeymoon Period
The Honeymoon Period
One - Five Universal Relationship Truths
Two - Defining The Relationship
Three - Five Conversations You Must Have
Four - How To Communicate The Right Way
Five - The Importance of Boundaries
Six - How Do You Know When It's Love?
Part 2: The Secrets of A Happy Relationship
The Secrets of A Happy Relationship
Seven - What Makes A Relationship Work?
Eight - How To Fight... The Right Way
Nine - Drama-Proof Your Relationship
Ten - Moving In Together (Without Going Nuts)
Eleven - Getting Space In A Relationship
Part 3: Troubleshooting Your Relationship
Troubleshooting Your Relationship
Twelve - Beware The Relationship Danger Signs
Thirteen - Is Your Relationship Toxic?
Fourteen - You've Been Cheated On. Now What?
Fifteen - How To Tell The Relationship Is Over
Sixteen - How To Bring Back The Spark
Part 4: Secret Relationship Tips and Tricks
Secret Relationship Tips and Strategies
Seventeen - Charm The Parents
Eighteen - The All-Purpose Guide To Gift Giving
Nineteen - Plan The Perfect Valentine's Day
Twenty - Love Like Gomez and Morticia
Twenty-One - The Secret To A Love That Lasts
Blank Page copy
Other Books By Harris O'Malley
About the Author
Notes
Copyright © 2016 Harris O'Malley All rights reserved No part of this book may
be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including
information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the
author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Cover illustrated by Carla Speed McNeil
ISBN: 978-0-9963772-4-9
www.doctornerdlove.com
To Cat.
Always.
What I Wish I’d Known Before My First Relationship
One of the great paradoxes of dating is that we tend to focus a lot on the
early stages of love. We put our focus on becoming someone desirable, on
finding the “right” person and enjoying the magical process of falling in love.
Of course, once we succeed and find ourselves in a relationship, then we
tend to find ourselves lost at sea. Like Inigo Monotya, we’ve spent so much time
seeking this goal that now that we’ve achieved it, we have no idea what to do
with ourselves.
To be honest, it’s not that surprising. We live in a culture that’s in love
with the concept of falling in love. Pop culture is obsessed with the idea of the
meet cute and the story of the happy couple getting together. It’s considerably
less interested in what it takes for a couple to stay together. No matter where you
turn, you’ll find stories about happy couples meeting, falling for one another,
overcoming the obstacles in their way and then…
And that’s it. There’s the kiss. The wedding. The little coded signifiers of
“yup, they’re a couple now,” and then we leave them to what we assume is
surely a “happily ever after”. The Legend of Korra’s Korra and Asami hold
hands and head out on their next adventure. Han Solo and Leia’s arc ends in
Return of the Jedi with a final reminder that they love each other and now
they’re likely going to get married.1 Veronica Mars and Logan Echols get
another reminder that they’re fated for one another. Kaylee Fry and Simon Tam
end their story in post-coital bliss after a season’s worth of sexual tension and
near-misses.
And we, the audience, are left to assume that nothing bad happens to them
afterwards. We almost never see what happens to the couple after the end of the
book or the credits roll. On the rare occasions we do check back, we only see the
aftermath of “something happened” and now they’re single again. Han and Leia
are no longer together because “something happened”2. Mulder and Scully got
divorced because of events that will only be hinted at. Peter Venkman and Dana
Barrett couldn’t make it work. Indiana Jones and Marion Ravenwood3 split up
because of reasons we’ll never see.
As a result: we have damned few models for how relationships work. If
we’re lucky enough to have parents in a happy marriage, then we might have a
clue. But more and more often, once we’ve found a partner, we discover we’ve
been tossed into the deep end of the pool and expected to learn to swim as best
we can. At my site, Paging Dr. NerdLove, one of the most common refrains I
hear from people is “I have no idea what I’m doing right now, but I’m pretty
sure I’m doing it wrong.”
This is especially true when you’re dealing with your first serious
relationship. You’re fumbling around in the dark, trying to make the adjustments
that come when you start to share your life with another person. My first serious
relationship was full of avoidable mistakes and disasters that one
might charitably call “learning experiences”4 because I had no fucking clue what
I was doing. I was terrified and had nowhere to turn because, honestly, most of
my peers didn’t have any more of an idea than I did.
Here’s a secret though: all relationships are functionally like a first
relationship. Every relationship is a matter of getting to know the other person,
making your lifestyles and expectations mesh, learning how to tolerate each
other’s little quirks etc. The only difference is that people who’ve had other
relationships (hopefully) have the experience to guide them through the rough
patches. Even then, however, we’ll often find ourselves in situations where
we’re utterly and completely lost. What does this argument really mean? Does
this feeling mean that our relationship is fatally flawed? Is this a bump in the
road, or is this the beginning of the end?
But that’s why I’m here: to help you navigate through the complex, twisted
and often scary world of relationships so that hopefully you can avoid the most
common mistakes. That way you can make new and different mistakes.
But joking aside: relationships are work and no matter what the songs have
told you, love really isn’t all you need. But with this guide, you’ll have a
template to follow to help ease you through the trials and tribulations that come
with being part of a couple.
I won’t lie to you: relationships can be tough. They can be frustrating, even
maddening. You’ll fight and fuck, you’ll love each other with the passion of a
thousand suns and you’ll want to be with anyone but them. But at the end of the
day, you’ll know how to come together to fight past the low points and sail
through the high points. You’ll walk through the fire, hand in hand, and come
out stronger than tempered steel on the other side.
And then, the two of you will be able to build your own happily ever
after… together.
