Is It Love or Is It Addiction? - Second Edition

385 Pages·1997·0.87 MB·English

by  Brenda Schaeffer

title: Is It Love or Is Addiction?
author: Schaeffer, Brenda.
publisher: Hazelden Publishing
isbn10 | asin: 1568381409
print isbn13: 9781568381404
ebook isbn13: 9780585307602
language: English
subject Relationship addiction, Love.
publication date: 1997
lcc: RC552.R44.S34 1997eb
ddc: 158.2
subject: Relationship addiction, Love.
Page iii
Is It Love or Is It Addiction?
Second Edition
Brenda Schaeffer
Page iv
Hazelden
Center City, Minnesota 55012-0176
1-800-328-0094
1-651-213-4590 (Fax)
http://www.hazelden.org
© 1987, 1997 by Brenda Schaeffer
All rights reserved. First published 1987. Second edition 1997
Printed in the United States of America
No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner
without the written permission of the publisher.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Schaeffer, Brenda.
Is it love or is it addiction?/Brenda Schaeffer.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 1-56838-140-9
1. Relationship addiction. 2. Love. I. Title.
RC552.R44S34 1997
158.2DC21 97-27921
CIP
02 01 00 99 9 8 7 6 5 4
Book design by Will H. Powers
Typesetting by Stanton Publication Services, Inc.
Cover design by David Spohn
The vignettes in this book are composites of actual situations and
persons,
although some story lines in the vignettes have been created by the
author for il-
lustrative purposes. The autobiographical sketches are real, although
the names
have been changed. Any resemblance to specific persons, living or
dead, or spe-
cific events, is entirely coincidental.
Page v
For my children, Heidi and Gordy, that they may know
healthy love; for my late father, Ralph Furtman, in grati-
tude for his steadfast support and caring; for my late
mother, Bernice Furtman, in acknowledgment of her
permission to be all that I can be. May the souls of my
parents know a peace they so deserve.
Page vii
A good book is a supple and yielding thing. It is meant to be argued with,
challenged, marked up. It is a battle ground for ideas and should show some
evidence of a fight or at least some preliminary skirmishes. It is good for
igniting minds. It is not the be-all and end-all of a balanced and productive
life, but it can touch off needed thoughts and action.
NORMAN COUSINS, Human Options
Page ix
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments xi
Preface xiii
I
The Reality of Addictive Love
1 3
The Power of Love
Healthy Love 3
Addiction 5
Types of Love Addiction 10
Love and the Unconscious Mind 17
2 19
The Roots of Love Addiction
The Role of Biology 19
The Role of Culture 24
The Role of Spiritual Quests 30
Self-Actualization 32
The Role of Psychology 34
3 37
The Psychology of Love Addiction
A Psychological Understanding of Dependencies 39
The Child Within: Addictive Dependency 41
The Myths behind Love Addiction 43
II
How Do I Love Thee?
4 49
Addictive Lovers
Identifying Addictive Love 49
The Characteristics of Addictive Love 51
Page x
5 77
Power Plays
Power 77
The Beginnings of Power Plays 78
Twenty-Three Power Plays 79
Options 83
The Goal: Mutual Respect 85
6 89
Healthy Belonging
Our Need for Others 89
The Characteristics of Healthy Belonging 90
Power Sharing 108
III
Hope for Tomorrow
7 115
From Addiction to Love
The Way Out 116
Out of Addiction and into Healthy Love: The Process 117
From Addiction to Healthy Love 126
Sometimes, We Need to Let Go 135
8 141
Helping Yourself out of Love Addiction
The Self-Help Method: Awareness, Assessment, 143
Decision, Exploration, Reprogramming, Renewal, and
Expansion
Notes 177
Bibliography 183
Resources: For Further Information 187
Index 189
How to Contact the Author 195