Table Of ContentTable of Contents
Title Page
Copyright Page
Chapter 1 - What Is Intimate Communion?
INTRODUCTION
BEYOND 50/50
INTIMATE COMMUNION
Chapter 2 - Untangling Love
THE THREE WAYS OF “LOVE”
INTIMATE COMMUNION IS NOT ABOUT ROMANCE
Chapter 3 - Creating Sexual Polarity
HOW POLARITY WORKS
MASCULINE AND FEMININE ARE NOT GENDER-BASED
A RELATIONSHIP FEELS OVER WHEN POLARITY IS GONE
MAGNIFICATION OF POLARITY
NEUTRALIZATION OF POLARITY
REVERSAL OF POLARITY
THE TEXTURES OF MASCULINE AND FEMININE
MASCULINE AND FEMININE PARTNERS BALANCING EACH
OTHER
UNIFYING INTERNAL DIVISIONS
Chapter 4 - Understanding Your Sexual Essence
WHAT IS A SEXUAL ESSENCE?
SEXUAL ESSENCE QUIZ
WHAT DO MEN AND WOMEN REALLY WANT? A SURVEY
SOCIAL EQUALITY AND SEXUAL PASSION
BLOCKED-UP AND COVERED-OVER SEXUAL ESSENCES
ATTRACTING AN APPROPRIATE PARTNER
50/50 SQUELCHES OUR SEXUAL ESSENCE
Chapter 5 - The Three Stages of Intimacy
FOR WHAT STAGE ARE YOU READY?
THE THREE STYLES OF INTIMACY
ACHIEVING 50/50 AND THEN MOVING BEYOND IT
A WHOLE PERSON IS NOT NECESSARILY A NEUTRAL PERSON
SURRENDERING AS SLAVE OR LOVER
WHAT DOES INTIMATE COMMUNION LOOK LIKE?
THE RISK OF SPONTANEOUS LOVE
Chapter 6 - The Search for Love and Freedom
THE SEARCH
HOW THE MASCULINE GROWS
HOW THE FEMININE GROWS
THE GIFTS OF MASCULINE AND FEMININE LOVING
Chapter 7 - The Use and Abuse of Sexual Substitutes
SEXUAL SUBSTITUTES
THE GEOGRAPHY OF SEX
HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A MASCULINE OR A FEMININE PLACE
SEXUAL SUBSTITUTES CAN WEAKEN YOUR ESSENCE
FEMININE SEXUAL SUBSTITUTES
MASCULINE SEXUAL SUBSTITUTES
IN THE COMPANY OF MAN AND WOMAN
THE RESULTS OF SEXUAL GEOGRAPHY
OTHER SEXUAL SUBSTITUTES
BEYOND SEXUAL SUBSTITUTES
RESISTING SEXUAL ENERGY
BECOMING CONSCIOUS AND TRUSTABLE LOVERS
Chapter 8 - The Masculine Way
THE CORE OF THE MASCULINE IS DIRECTIONALITY
MISSION IS THE MASCULINE PRIORITY
THE MASCULINE IS MODAL
THE MASCULINE IS LOOKING FOR TROUBLE
THE MASCULINE SEEKS RELEASE
THE MASCULINE LIKES THE EDGE
ANGER, PASSION AND THE FREE MAN
DIS-EASE OF THE MODERN MAN
STAGES OF DIRECTIONALITY
MID-LIFE CRISIS AND THE VISION QUEST
VARIETIES OF MASCULINE T-SHIRTS
SAINT BOGART
MASCULINITY, PURITY AND DEATH
THE MASCULINE EDGE GROWS THROUGH THE STAGES
Chapter 9 - The Feminine Way
THE FEMININE IS THE FORCE OF LIFE
THE CORE OF THE FEMININE IS RADIANCE
THE FEMININE IS THE FORCE OF ATTRACTION AND
ENCHANTMENT
WHY THE FEMININE WANTS TO BE NOTICED
FEMININE RADIANCE IN MEN
FEMININE, MASCULINE AND THE BODY
RELATIONSHIP IS THE FEMININE PRIORITY
THE FEMININE STAYS TOO LONG, THE MASCULINE LEAVES
TOO SOON
MASCULINE AND FEMININE FORMS OF ADDICTION
MASCULINE, FEMININE AND DEPOLARIZATION
THE MASCULINE SPEAKS WORDS, BUT THE FEMININE HEARS
MOOD AND TONE
THE MASCULINE SPEAKS “DO,” THE FEMININE SPEAKS “FEEL”
THE FEMININE FLOWS, THE MASCULINE GOES
FEMININE FLOW IS PAID LESS THAN MASCULINE GO
MASCULINE AND FEMININE IN POLITICS
THE FEMININE IS THE FORCE OF CREATION AND DESTRUCTION
THE FEMININE IS NOT ALWAYS APPRECIATED
DISOWNING THE FEMININE CORE
WHY SHOULD WE HIDE?
THE FEMININE CRISIS: SECOND TO THIRD STAGE
RECLAIMING THE FEMININE GIFT
TRUSTING THE FORCE OF LIFE
Chapter 10 - Advanced Polarity
TWO MASCULINES DO NOT MAKE A POLARITY
CHOOSING AN APPROPRIATE PARTNER
SHIFTING STAGES, SHIFTING FANTASIES
WHEN I WANT OUT
WHEN DOES THE MASCULINE APPRECIATE THE FEMININE
GIFT?
MASCULINE AND FEMININE BALANCING EACH OTHER
WHEN THE MASCULINE IS LACKING
THE MASCULINE SERVING THE FEMININE
PRACTICING SEXUAL POLARITY
Chapter 11 - Practicing Love
POLARITY AND LOVE
HOW TO PRACTICE LOVE IN INTIMATE COMMUNION
LOVE FLOWS WHEN YOU GIVE IT
HER “COMPLAINTS” ARE ACTUALLY GIFTS
THE MASCULINE COMMITMENT TO LOVE AND MARRIAGE
Chapter 12 - Embracing the Taboo
LOVING HER TO SMITHEREENS
OUR BASIC IMPULSE IS TO RELAX INTO HAPPINESS
DEVIATIONS OF THE MASCULINE HEART
DEVIATIONS OF THE FEMININE HEART
SEX AND DEATH
SURRENDERING INTO LOVE
FEMININE SEXUAL SUPERIORITY
THE FINAL SEARCH
EMBRACING THE TABOO
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
FOR MORE INFORMATION
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Deida, David.
Intimate communion : awakening your sexual essence / David Deida.
p. cm.
ISBN-13: 978-1-55874-374-8
eISBN : 29-4-000-01809-0
ISBN-10: 1-55874-374-X
1. Man-woman relationships. 2. Intimacy (Psychology) 3. Sex. I. Title.
HQ801.D4497 1995
306.7—dc20
95-25372 CIP
© 1995 David Deida
All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced,
stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical,
photocopying, recording, or otherwise without the written permission of the publisher.
HCI, its logos and marks are trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.
Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
3201 S.W. 15th Street
Deerfield Beach, Florida 33442-8190
R-09-07
Cover art by Lorrie Bortner.
Cover and book design by Paul Volk.
Author photo by Thomas J. Johnson.
1
What Is Intimate Communion?
INTRODUCTION
Nipples, lips, warmth and caress: it starts with two bodies entwined as one,
moving like a sensitive snake of tongue and fire, shivering up the spine and
down the belly. Then, mind gives way to flesh, and flesh gives way to love. The
very surfaces of touch open out into the light of love. Mouth opens, body opens,
mind opens, so wide and bright that you are gone in love, your partner is gone in
love, and love is all that remains.
As a woman, you have become the all of his desire. As a man, you have
become the spine of her surrender.
Grateful for your demise in light, the Divine is alive in every lover’s smile.
This book is for men and women who are turned on by sex, love and true
spiritual ecstasy. It is for people who enjoy tangled bodies, open hearts and
enlightened minds. If you are not delighted by a style of intimacy involving deep
passion, deep devotion and deep understanding—all three—then this book is not
for you.
When a man and woman embrace one another without guarding themselves,
without protecting themselves or holding back, then they naturally transmit to
one another an ecstatic force of sexual energy, love and oneness. At the
beginning of many intimacies, this transmission is often body-blissing, heart-
rending and mind-blowing. But after several years, many intimacies become, at
best, loving friendships between two people who, in truth, desire something
much deeper—deeper sexual union, deeper devotion, deeper understanding.
Many of us have experienced “old-style” intimacies based on roles of male
control and female giving, and have found such relationships to result in
unhealthy dependence and pain. Many have then grown into “modern-style”
intimacies based on independence and fairness. What has been the result?
Have our well-intentioned efforts toward internal balance and self-
responsibility inadvertently eroded the attractive power in our intimate
relationships? Is there actually another step to take, beyond even personal
independence and healthy self-esteem, by which we can finally let down our
guard in intimate love and relax deeply into our natural sexual core? How do we
take this next step toward heartfelt passion and spiritual vitality in modern
intimacy—beyond male domination, beyond idealistic feminism, and beyond
safe but lukewarm “50/50 partnerships”—without losing the ground we have
gained?
After years of counseling and conducting relationship workshops across the
United States, it seems obvious to me that it is time for men and women to take
the next step in their style of intimate relationship. This new style of intimacy
would extend beyond old sex roles for men and women. It would also extend
beyond the guarded sense of independence that often holds passionate sexual
surrender at arm’s length and prevents deep and vulnerable emotional opening in
many modern relationships. This book describes how to make the transition to
this next stage of relationship, which I call “Intimate Communion.”
All intimate relationships grow, stage by stage, through three major cycles of
glorious passion and frustrating failure. Up to now, our culture has only been
aware of the first two of these stages, so we haven’t known what to do when we
have grown beyond an imbalance of power in our intimacy and have achieved a
more balanced 50/50 Relationship—often at the expense of deep sexual passion
and spiritual aliveness, or so it seems.
As we begin to take the next step in intimacy, it’s important that we know
what to do when our relationship feels like it has come to a standstill. Knowing
when to leave a relationship—and when to “lean into” the sometimes difficult
