Table Of ContentIdentity and Intimacy in Marriage:
A Study of Couples
Susan Krauss Whitbourne
Joyce B. Ebmeyer
Identity and Intimacy
in Marriage
A Study of Couples
Springer Science+Business Media, LLC
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Whitbourne, Susan Krauss.
Identity and intimacy in marriage: a study of couples/Susan
Krauss Whitbourne, Joyce B. Ebmeyer.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
1. Married people-United States-Psychology-Case studies.
2. Identity (Psychology)-United States-Case studies. 3. Intimacy
(Psychology)-Case studies. I. Ebmeyer, Joyce B. II. Title.
HQ728.W48 1990
306.872-dc20 89-27583
Printed on acid-free paper.
© 1990 Springer Science+Business Media New York
Originally published by Springer-Verlag New York lnc. in 1990
Ali rights reserved. This work may not be translated or copied in whole or in part without the
written permission of the publisher (Springer Science+Business Media, LLC ), except for
brief excerpts in connection with reviews or scholarly analysis. Use in connection with any
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by similar or dissimilar methodology now known or hcreafter developed is forbidden.
The use of general descriptive names, trade names, trademarks. etc. in this publication, even
if the formcr are not especially identified, is not to be taken as a sign that such names, as
understood by the Trade Marks and Merchandise Marks Act, may accordingly be used freely
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Typeset by Best-Set Typographers, Hong Kong.
ISBN 978-0-387-97012-7 ISBN 978-1-4684-9433-4 (eBook)
DOI 10.1007/978-1-4684-9433-4
9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
To aur husbands
Preface
Through the research on which this book reports, we have been given the
unique opportunity to explore the complex nature of two of the most
important issues in the lives of adults: identity and intimacy. It is with deep
gratitude that we give credit to the 80 individuals in our sample who allowed
us to explore these processes in their lives.
Our purpose in writing this book was, in some ways, a modest one. Both
of us believed that research on the Eriksonian concept of intimacy was
deficient in that it was limited to the reports of individuals about them
selves. We maintained that this kind of research could provide only a
narrow, and probably biased, view of the intimacy development of individ
uals. By obtaining complementary responses to the intimacy interview from
both partners in a marital relationship, we hope to pave a new path that
fu ture researchers in this area will follow. Beyond this methodological
advance, we intended that this book's theoretical focus could put a new
perspective on the well-trodden path of research on marriage. This more
ambitious gaal is one that we faced with some trepidation. The literature
on marital adjustment and satisfaction is vast and potentially overwhelming.
ls there a place or even a need, we wondered, for yet another approach to
understanding the processes involved in close dyadic relationships? How
ever, as our analyses of the data progressed, we felt increasingly confident
that our perspective could have value. The identity of the individual as a
spouse provides a unique framework for examining the intimacy of married
couples.
There are many individuals in addition to our sample to whom we owe
thanks for helping us complete this study. Gerry Gladstein and Shelly
Malett of the University of Rochester were helpful in guiding the early
formulations of the study. Priscilla Corwin, Kim Post, Jennifer Rusin, and
Sande Sommers, graduate students at the University of Rochester, spent
many hours rating the dyadic communication excerpts of the 40 couples.
Karen Wampler willingly sent us the communications rating manual used
as the basis for the one in our study. We are also grateful for the inspiration
and insights offered by George Levinger at the University of Massachusetts
VIII Preface
at Amherst, whose thoughtful comments Ied us to develop the coding and
analytic scheme that form the basis for this book. The assistance of Helen
Knights and Steve Becker for their work in developing the coding system
for the intimacy interview is also greatly valued.
Finally, we are grateful to the members of our families for their invaluable
support and contributions to this book. To Julius Rock and Lisa Krauss
Rock, for making their kitchen table available for our "holiday" confer
ences, to Stacey Whitbourne and Jennifer O'Brien for their patient accept
ance of their mother's burying herself under piles of transcripts for yet
another time, and to Richard O'Brien, for his unwavering support in the
process, we owe our deepest thanks. We also will be forever thankful to
Jim Ebmeyer for his typing of the many drafts of the original document on
which the present volume is based. His moral support was vital to the
completion of the research. Jeff, Chris, and Lynn Ebmeyer probably do
not remember their mother when she was not involved in research or
writing, and reminded her that "you can't quit now" when she was dis
couraged. Our thanks also go to Jan De Mocker and Jason Berman for
their support and many helpful comments.
This book has represented an adventure for both of us through the
vicissitudes, tribulations, and joys of the life of married couples. We hope
our efforts to summarize what we found will be as stimulating and impres
sive to our readers as they have been to us.
Amherst, Massachusetts Susan Krauss Whitbourne
Rochester, New York Joyce B. Ebmeyer
Contents
Preface vn
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Chapter 1 Perspectives on Intimacy 1
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Chapter 2 Identity Processes in Wives 17
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Chapter 3 Identity Processes in Husbands 34
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Chapter 4 ldentity Processes in Couples 52
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Chapter 5 Identity Processes in Power Dynamics 64
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Chapter 6 The Ro le of Sexuality 82
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Chapter 7 The Ro le of Communication 102
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Chapter 8 Summary and Conclusions 127
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Appendix A Questions on the Adult Intimacy Interview 135
o o o o o o o o o o
Appendix B Coding of Adult Intimacy Interview 138
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Appendix C Measures Derived from the Intimacy Interview 148
o o o o o o
Appendix D Results 154
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
References 160
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Index 161
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
1
Perspectives on Intimacy
The topic of intimacy holds a special fascination to most adults. Perhaps
this is in part because close relationships penetrate into the depths of our
own innermost beings. There is also an alluring intrigue, almost a voyeurism,
in finding out the details of how other people cope with the pleasures and
frustrations of remaining in intima te relationships. How, for instance, do
other married people handle conflict? How do couples negotiate child
care? If one is not married, questions such as these are just as pertinent, if
not more so. It is no coincidence, given this high level of interest in the
topic, that there are virtually thousands of books and magazine articles on
intimacy and marital communication in the popular press and media.
The primary purpose of this book is to illustrate how intimate relation
ships in marriage are vital products of the identities of the two individuals
who make up that relationship. It is true that the "relationship" has a
quality and a life of its own, as the marriage manuals emphasize. However,
a more compelling influence on the intimacy between husband and wife
can be found, we believe, within the view of self-in-a-relationship that each
partner separately holds. There is a dynamic process that occurs over time
as this view changes due to development within the individual and develop
ments in the couple. In our study of couples married for from 5 to 20 years,
we hoped to provide insight into the kinds of adjustments that couples
make over time in their identities within relationships. 1 We believe that the
conclusions reached in our study can have important implications for
researchers in the field of intimacy, as well as for clinicians whose work
involves the treatment of marital and family difficulties.
A second function that we hope to fulfill is to clarify an essential feature
of Erikson's (1963) theory, a widely used reference in works on adult
intimacy. Most workers in the field of intimacy regard the individual's self-
1 This is a cross-sectional study, so it will not be possible to make inferences about
change over time. Comparisons of processes used by couples married differing
lengths of time can only result in suggestions of developmental processes, the
existence of which must be verified by longitudinal research.
2 1. Perspectives on lntimacy
report as an accurate description of his or her potential to enter into close,
Iong-term relationships. As will soon become clear to the reader of this
book, such a view is both unrealistic and inaccurate. Statements by
individuals about their relationships taken out of context from what their
partners say will reftect, simply, their identity as intima te partners rather
than an indication of how intimate they can be.
Our third goal in writing this book is to show that any typology would be
far too simplistic to capture the many complexities involved in the inter
actions between adults involved in Iong-term relationships. Some types wi!L
no doubt, stand out in the descriptions of couples presented in this book.
Hints of autonomous, companionate, merged, and conftict-habituated
types wiii appear in the excerpts presented in the suhsequent chapters.
However, these are hints, not consistent themes. Elements of aii types can
be found in aii marriages. What is also clear is that couples operate
according to their model of what kind of relationship they have, and this
model may or may not be a shared one. Again, the role of individual
identities wiii turn out to be the crucial factor in determining the nature of
the couple's interaction. The focus of this book wiii be, then, not on
typologies, but on a microanalysis of processes through which people's
identities inftuence and are inftuenced by their close relationships.
A Model of Identity in Relationships
The primary definition of adult identity on which our work is based is taken
from Erikson's (1963) theory. According to Erikson, identity is a psy
chosocial construct, a product of factors unique to the individual combined
with exposure to a social context. Erikson considered identity to be an
important issue for adolescents, but also to be a Iife-Iong concern under
pinning !ater developmental tasks in adulthood. The attainment of intimacy
is one of these tasks.
In earlier research by Whitbourne (1986b), adult identity was theorized
to have as its content the individual's various self-conceptions: the physical
self, the psychological self, and the social self. These conceptions are
integrated into a consistent view of the self as enduring over time. The
contents of identity, for most mentally healthy adults is of the self as
"loving" to family members, "competent" at work, and "good" in an
ethical sense. Interviews of adults concerning their identities revealed that
they attempt to maintain this identity through a Piagetian-Iike process of
assimilation. This "identity process" of assimilation is one of two basic
forces that underlie the adult's interaction with the environment. The other
identity process that complements assimilation is identity accommodation.
ldentity assimilation is proposed to work in the following way. The
adult's identity as a loving, competent, and good person serves to act as a
filter through which experiences relevant to the self are perceived. Some of
the methods used for the purpose of assimilation are similar to the defense
