I suck at relationships so you don't have to : 10 rules for not screwing up your happily ever after

332 Pages·2015·2.24 MB·English

by  Frankel

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Contents A Special Thank-You
Introduction
Something to Think About
Chapter 1: Understand the Man
Chapter 2: Woman, Know Thyself
Chapter 3: Master the Catch and Release
Chapter 4: Don’t Hate the Player, Hate the Game
Chapter 5: Control Yourself
Chapter 6: Get a Life
Chapter 7: Trust Your Gut
Chapter 8: Manage Your Money (Noise)
Chapter 9: Getting It On
Chapter 10: Don’t Let Cracks Become Craters
Epilogue: Remember Who You Are
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Index
This book is dedicated to women who have the best intentions in love and
matters of the heart, but at times fall short. To those who believe in
relationships and partnership but have somehow lost their way. You can
see the island, but you simply don’t know how to make it there. Let’s make
it there together.
A Special Thank-You
I’
m no professional, and I make that very clear throughout this book. However,
there is somebody who is a professional—my therapist and renowned
psychologist Dr. Xavier Amador, who is a leader in his field. My association
with Dr. Amador has always been fruitful for me, and so I was honored when he
said he would be willing to contribute his thoughts throughout the book. When I
am in the heat of a relationship issue, sometimes I don’t see things with perfect
clarity until after I’ve had some time for reflection, but Dr. Amador does. This is
the gift he has bestowed upon this book—shining his light on the parts where his
commentary might add extra insight or even tell me when I’m being over-the-
top.
I want you to know that Dr. Amador’s opinion is worthy of serious
consideration. Thank you, Dr. Amador, for your contribution to what I hope will
be a game-changer for modern relationships!
Introduction
H
ere’s my confession: I suck at relationships.
Now that I’m in my forties, I have a lot of life experience. I’ve weathered the
ups and downs of press and fame, of being broke and having money, as well as
having my relationships largely documented on television. I would say that I’ve
been pretty successful in most areas of my life. I’m a mom to an amazing little
girl. I’ve always been good at generating ideas and marketing. I’ve built a brand
and I have good business sense. I know when something can be fixed and when
it’s time to move on. I’m decisive, I have good gut instincts, and I know how to
get what I want.
In my own love life, however, I’m a disaster. As good as I am in business,
that’s how bad I am at love. I find relationships to be just about the most
impossible thing in the world, and I’ve done so many things the wrong way that
I’ve become, strangely, a sort of expert at what not to do. Here are just a few
things I’ve done wrong: I play games. I get afraid. I run. I shut down. I fall in
love with the wrong men. I can’t deal when things get uncomfortable. I ignore, I
retreat, and I get very confused. Over the years, I’ve settled for less than I
deserve. I’ve looked for an out. I’ve set people up to fail. I’ve sabotaged my
relationships. I’ve wasted time. I’ve convinced myself to be with someone who I
knew wasn’t right for me. I’ve been afraid to be alone. I’ve asked anyone who
will listen what I should do (something I rarely do in business). I suck at staying
put and being content. I’ve misjudged people and situations, and I’ve ignored my
gut instincts. I’ve trusted the wrong men and forced a relationship with men who
weren’t right for me. I’ve tried to force a square peg into a round hole. I’ve
called when I shouldn’t have called. I’ve texted when I shouldn’t have texted.
I’ve not called when it would have been the kind thing to do, and I’ve worried
about getting someone to love me before I worried about whether I loved them. I
wanted the ring and got the ring, many times, but then I didn’t want it anymore.
I’ve wasted time and energy and money in relationships. I’ve fallen for being in
a relationship with someone who loves me more than I love him. I’ve been with
men who made a lot of money and supported me and I’ve been unable to handle
that. I’ve been with men who had no money, who turned out to be gold diggers.
I’ve been with men because they were the father I never had. I’ve been with
someone who could handle my career but wasn’t strong enough to handle me,
and I’ve tried to be with someone who needed me to take care of him. I’ve done
all the things that women do badly in relationships, and then some.
Sometimes I wonder if I have unrealistic expectations. Will good enough ever
be good enough for me? Do I just choose poorly, or have I really not met the
right person yet? We often make decisions out of fear, which can cause us to
settle for Mr. (or Miss) Right Now. In the moment, it seems so much safer and
easier than striking out fearlessly to find the truly perfect match. Is that what I’ve
done? I’m not sure. I’m still working it out, but in doing that, I’ve already
learned many, many things that I don’t want, that I won’t accept, that I shouldn’t
settle for. And I still believe in love.
You might wonder why I would write a book about something I admittedly
suck at. I must have some set of balls. I was recently chatting with somebody
who doesn’t have a lot of relationship experience, and she asked me, “So, given
your relationship history, what makes you an expert?” I have grappled with this
question for a while, and here is what I’ve come up with: When I write a book, I
write about what inspires me, what pours out of me, what I need to talk about.
The things I’ve learned about what not to do could fill volumes, and this is a
book about what not to do, as well as a book full of strategies you can use to
tackle your relationship issues without blowing the whole thing up, based on
what I know because of the many, many mistakes I’ve made. Trial and error is a
great teacher, and this is a subject I’ve been schooled in over and over. It is also
a subject that is important to me. It’s close to my heart. It’s about my heart, and I
have a lot to say about it, so hear me out.
I don’t know all the answers. In fact, I probably know hardly any of the
answers. The irony of me giving relationship advice is not lost on me. This book
is not about me putting myself out there as someone who knows more than you
do, or someone who has any kind of professional qualifications for counseling
(other than having been on the couch end of plenty of years of it). Fortunately
for all of us, I’ve got a psychologist and a psychiatrist weighing in throughout
this book. It’s no secret that I’m going through a very negative and public and
nasty divorce. Right now, I’m in relationship recovery. In my last significant
relationship, I hit rock bottom. I think people thought that I sold my company, I
landed on the cover of Forbes magazine, and my life was now perfect. Actually,
as I’m writing this book, I don’t even have a home. I’m the richest homeless
person you know. I’m like a vagabond with no personal belongings, running
from hotel to corporate apartment to the homes of friends, because at this time,
getting an apartment isn’t possible for me. Trust me when I tell you that no
amount of money will ever make you happy.
I’ve been going through an ordeal, as many of you have. Whatever you are
going through, I want you to know that you will figure out why it happened. You
might not figure it out today or tomorrow, but the answer is coming. I know I’ll
eventually learn why I’ve gone through this personal hell. There is always a
lesson. You keep making the same mistake until you learn the lesson. Time does
heal all wounds, and eventually, the things that tore you apart start to become
less painful. The things you were obsessing about become less important. It gets
better. The answer is coming.
Whatever has happened to you—infidelity, money issues, abandonment, the
inability to sustain a long-term relationship, constantly replaying your past
mistakes, even abuse—a lot of us out there have been through it, too, and have
come out on the other side. Maybe you trusted someone and you were duped.
Maybe you feel confused, or lost, or angry, or just hopeless. Maybe you feel bad
about yourself, or you just can’t seem to find that special relationship you
believe in. Pick up this book if you haven’t been able to figure it out yet. Pick up
this book if you don’t understand why your relationships aren’t working, or
because you feel bad about yourself, or because you can’t find the relationship
you dream about. Pick up this book if you, like me, were duped into trusting
someone, or if your relationship is in a lull and needs a jump-start, or if you are
constantly rehashing the details of a difficult decision, or obsessing, or beating
yourself up, or if you just aren’t happy. Your life can be so much better than it is
right now, and I want to help you get there because I have learned hard lessons
and experienced enough heartbreak for all of us. You probably feel like you
have, too.
When a recent relationship fell apart, I beat myself up. I obsessed. How could
I have been so stupid? How could my judgment have been so poor? How could I
have been so blind? I kept going back over it, rehashing all the details, all the
decisions that seemed right at the time but that I now see were so wrong. I kept
asking why it was happening to me. I kept wondering when I was going to
realize why it happened, what the purpose was, what it was all for. Where was
the silver lining? Of course, Bryn is the silver lining, but still sometimes I feel
like I can’t get through it. Then I see the light at the end and I know there is
something better for me up ahead. I’m not angry. I’m not bitter. I still believe in
good people and happiness. I still believe in love, and I still come from a place
of yes. That doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes get grouchy, bitchy, unhappy, or
mean. But I always know I go through what I go through for a reason. Maybe the
reason is you.
If you still haven’t found the reason behind your personal heartbreak, that’s
okay. You don’t always need to know everything right now. Your life doesn’t
have to be all wrapped up in a perfect little blue Tiffany box with a bow. This
book will help you wait until you are really sure about the relationship before
you start clamoring for the ring. This book will help you figure out if the
relationship is right for you or if you are wasting your time, or worse, getting
into something you won’t be able to get out of easily. I hope this book will save
you weeks, months, even years of misery and heartache.
Now, I’m really not so sure I ever want to get married again. I want a life
partner, but ten years ago, I thought marriage was the ultimate goal. I’m no
longer certain that it is. I’m genuinely not sure about this question, and maybe
we’ll figure that out together, because I really don’t want to screw it up again. I
know a lot of you have found the right man for you, and that’s inspiring to me.