I Just Lost Myself: Psychological Abuse of Women in Marriage

181 Pages·1996·0.62 MB·English

by  Valerie Nash Chang

I Just Lost Myself

I JUST LOST MYSELF
Psychological Abuse
of Women in Marriage
Valerie Nash Chang
Libraryof CongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Chang, Valerie Nash.
I just lost myself : psychologicalabuse of women in marriage /
Valerie Nash Chang.
p. cm.
Includesbibliographicalreferencesand index.
ISBN 0–275–95209–6 (alk. paper)
1. Wife abuse—UnitedStates. 2. Wifeabuse—UnitedStates—
Psychologicalaspects. 3. Women—UnitedStates—Psychology.
I. Title.
HV6626.22.U6C48 1996
362.82'92—dc20 95–30660
BritishLibrary Cataloguingin PublicationData is available.
Copyright(cid:1) 1996 by Valerie Nash Chang
All rightsreserved. No portionof this book may be
reproduced,by any processor technique,withoutthe
express writtenconsentof the publisher.
Library of CongressCatalog Card Number:95–30660
ISBN: 0–275–95209–6
First publishedin 1996
Praeger Publishers,88 Post Road West, Westport, CT 06881
An imprintof GreenwoodPublishingGroup, Inc.
Printedin the UnitedStatesof America
TM
The paper used in this book complieswith the
PermanentPaper Standardissuedby the National
InformationStandardsOrganziation(Z39.48–1984).
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Formyparents,
HowardandAvaNash,
whoalwaysbelievedIcoulddoit.

CONTENTS
Acknowledgments ix
A Comment on Language xiii
Introduction 1
1. The Abuse of Women in Families 11
2. Life before Marriage 19
3. Control and Domination 49
4. Because We Are Women 59
5. Patterns of Abuse 73
6. Becoming His Wife 87
7. Turning Points 97
8. Physical and Emotional Reactions 107
9. Coming Out 117
10. Treatment Recommendations 133
References 149
Index 163

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Thisbookwouldnothavebeenpossiblewithoutthewomenpar-
ticipantswhosharedtheirstorieswithme.Iamverygratefulfor
the depth and wealth of information they gave me. They are
truly remarkable women and I thank each one.
This is a study of women, and there is a long list of women
to thank. The first influential woman in my life was my mother,
anenergetic,enthusiastic,positivepersonwhoknowsshecando
whatever she sets her mind to do and expects no less from her
daughter. I have also been lucky to know many other powerful,
capable women whose lives have affected mine: Jacqui Schiff,
EmilyRuppert,PetruskaClarkson,SueFish,MurielJames,Mary
EllenFrost,andEleanorTurk,tonameafew.JoyHolthouse,my
secretary and good friend for years, typed all the transcripts.
Sandy Augustin has been calm, steady, and accepting through
all the ups and downs of the past several years. Early in this
project, my good friend, Ann Hanson, helped me with typing,
cooking, and many other things. My daughter, Amy Hinshaw,
not only offeredmanyfinesuggestionsformakingthesummary
more easily readable, but also is a model of the new generation
of womenwhohighlyvaluetheiruniquenessandmaintaintheir
power while establishing close relationships.
MaggieBlay,JudyKline,LizaHyatt,CindyRice,NancyWhite,
Rose Howard, and Tina Grimberg—the wonderful psychother-
apists at the Julian Center—told women about this project and
discussed it with me. Margaret Adamek was a great help and
x • Acknowledgments
supporter of the project; she is a terrific editor who has spent
hours carefully reading drafts and asking thought-provoking
questions, which invited me to develop my ideas. Eileen Cantin
and Yvonne Williams, who have been colleagues for years, sup-
ported this project by discussing it with me and telling psycho-
logically abused clients about it. Sally Randolph, from the
Authors Guild, spent hours teaching me about publishing con-
tracts.Myeditor,LizMurphy,andeveryoneatGreenwoodPub-
lishinghavebeenhelpfulthroughthecomplexprocessofgetting
this book published. And, of course, each of the women I’ve
worked with over the years has taught me something and ex-
panded my understanding of women today.
Ialsowanttoacknowledgethesupportandhelpofmanyfolks
from the other gender. Dinner table debates with my father
taughtmeanalyticalandcriticalthinking,agiftforwhichIhave
oftenbeengrateful.GeorgeZirkleandJackMcCrarywerecollege
professors who always seemed to have the right challenge to
push me beyond what I thought I could do. Hedges Capers, a
clinical supervisor, saw my ability as a psychotherapist and my
personal capacity to create a different life story than the one I
hadlearned.Mycolleague,JohnRife,carriedatremendouswork
load one year so that I could take a one year sabbatical leave to
begin the work that led to this project. Norm Denzin supported
thisprojectfromthebeginning,oftenprovidingsuggestions,dif-
ferent perspectives, and encouragement. Chuck Cowger helped
me back when my ideas were only vaguely defined. My col-
league, Dale Sauer, referred a woman to the study and loaned
me his office to meet with her. Steve Miller’s support included
connectingmewithleadersoftwoDivorceRecoverygroups,let-
tingmeusespaceinthechurch,andhavingfaiththattheproject
was important and could be accomplished by me. My dear
friend,StanStackhouse,proofreadeverychapterandwaspatient
andacceptingduringlongperiodswhenallmyenergywentinto
this project. My son and son-in-law, Jeff Chang and James Hin-
shaw, offer hope that young men want equal relationships with
womentheyrespect.Thesupportandideasofeachofthesewon-
derful people has been very important to me in my life andcrit-
ical to the completion of this project.
There are also many people at Indiana Universitywhohelped