Table Of ContentM
O
“It is the only humor book I ever want to own. It made me keel
N
“Monica Heisey makes me laugh hard and often. We could dissect her over with laughter and recognition.” — LENA DUNHAM
I
C
to find out why she’s so funny but that would mean she’d be dead. I say
A
‘No’ to that idea. But I say ‘Ha ha’ to Monica. Often.” – ROB DELANEY
H
E
I
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better is a collection of stories, essays, advice,
S
and drawings from writer and comedian Monica Heisey. Created to E
Y
help you live your Best Life™, this book offers tips on everything from
workplace politics to sexting, from how to make your apartment look I
like you read design blogs to where to cry in public. Important guides C
A
like “How To Watch Literally Hours Of TV At A Time” will help you sort
N
your life out for good, while thought-provoking personal essays such as
’
T
“Pizzas I Have Loved” and helpful exercises like “Are You Being Flirted
B
With, A Quiz” provide some gravitas and perspective to help you navigate
E
this modern world. Plus there is a very weird short story about bees.
L
I
E
Funny, smart and charming, this book is the perfect accompaniment
V
to your next life crisis, or at least an easy and appropriate gift for the
E
niece you don’t know very well but want to impress.
I
T
’
S
Monica Heisey, writer and comedian from Toronto, has written for
VICE, Playboy, The Guardian, Rookie, Cosmopolitan, The Hairpin, N
The Toast, Hello Giggles. She lives in New York.
O
T
B
E
A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO COPING WITH LIFE
T
T
E
Cover design by Jenn Kitagawa
R
Author photograph by Paul Terefenko
www.reddeerpress.com
Praise for Monica Heisey’s, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better
“It is the only humor book I ever want to own and it made me keel
over with laughter and recognition. Monica Heisey’s book is a
perfect entry into my favorite genre: books of dubious advice. From
how to eat to what to wear to who to screw, Monica attempts to offer
solutions but instead reveals more about her own unique pathos—
and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I truly wish she could be
America’s poet laureate. Too bad she’s Canadian.” —Lena Dunham
“Monica Heisey makes me laugh hard and often. We could dissect her
to find out why she’s so funny but that would mean she’d be dead. I
say “No” to that idea. But I say “Ha ha” to Monica. Often.”
—Rob Delaney, comedian and actor
“Discovering Monica Heisey’s work was like going to a party alone,
spotting a stranger girl in a Bart Simpson T-shirt and a devastating
ponytail by the donuts table, thinking, “Oh, thank God—my friend
is here,” and knocking over every single Solo cup in that place as you
barge over with your hand outstretched. She makes a less-than-gentle
and kind world seem camaraderie-stuffed and loving, and she’s funny
as fuck, too. Get this book inside your life.”
—Amy Rose Spiegel, ROOKIE
“Monica Heisey… is the funniest woman in America, which is
amazing because she lives in Canada.”
—Jazmine Hughes, contributing editor of The Hairpin
“Monica Heisey’s writing is clever, funny, and pointed, and I love how
evidently and sincerely she cares about all her book’s subjects, be they
big (female friendship) or small (chip dips). Prepare to be moved to
tears by her ode to cheese and her love letter to pizza.”
—Katie Heaney, author of Never Have I Ever
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better.indd 1 4/1/15 7:49 PM
M O N I C A H E I S E Y
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better.indd 2 4/1/15 7:49 PM
I Can’t
B elieve
It’s Not
B etter
M O N I C A H E I S E Y
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better.indd 3 4/1/15 7:49 PM
For my parents. Thank you for everything and
sorry about all the goddamn swears.
Copyright © 2015 by Monica Heisey
Published in Canada by Red Deer Press, 195 Allstate Parkway, Markham,
Ontario L3R 4T8
Published in the United States by Red Deer Press, 311 Washington Street,
Brighton, Massachusetts 02135
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner
without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief
excerpts in critical reviews and articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Red
Deer Press, 195 Allstate Parkway, Markham, Ontario L3R 4T8.
www.reddeerpress.com
Some material included was first published and adapted from “The Grown Ass
Woman’s Guide by Monica Heisey,” a column on Shedoesthecity.com, between
2012 and 2014.
Red Deer Press acknowledges with thanks the Canada Council for the Arts,
and the Ontario Arts Council for their support of our publishing program. We
acknowledge the financial support of the Government of Canada through the
Canada Book Fund (CBF) for our publishing activities.
Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
Heisey, Monica, author
I can’t believe it’s not better : a woman’s guide to coping with life /
Monica Heisey.
ISBN 978-0-88995-535-6 (pbk.), 978-1-55244-399-6 (Web PDF)
I. Title.
PS8375.H44 2015 C818'.602 C2015-902242-8
Publisher Cataloging-in-Publication Data (U.S.)
Heisey, Monica, author
I can’t believe it’s not better : a woman’s guide to coping with life /
Monica Heisey.
ISBN 978-0-88995-535-6 (print), 978-1-55244-399-6 (WebPDF)
Data available on file.
Cover design by Jenn Kitagawa
Text design by Kong Njo
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better.indd 4 4/1/15 7:49 PM
Contents
An Introduction ix
Food 1
A Factual And Emotional History Of The Burrito 2
I Want To Talk To You About Dips 12
The Yogurt Women 16
A Poem About Cheese* 19
Eating In Bed: We CAN Have It All! 20
Pizzas I Have Loved 24
Should You Eat That, A Quiz 29
On Splitting The Bill And Other Nightmares 32
What’s Going On With Your Body 37
Ways My Body Is Being Sneaky Right Now 38
The Freelance Diet and Exercise Program 43
Welcome To Your Mid-Twenties Love Your Pal, Creams 48
What To Wear To Barf At 30,000 Feet 51
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better.indd 5 4/1/15 7:49 PM
Ice-BonerTM 57
How I Kept Worrying And Learned To Love Self-Care 62
A Poem About Body Image 68
Werk 69
Getting A Job, A Story By Your Parents 70
Should You Get Business Cards, A Quiz 75
Working From Home: How To Do It 78
Some Suggestions For Your Dream Job 83
A Poem About The Shared Fridge At Work 87
An Introduction To Some Difficult Workplace Truths 88
How To Handle Getting Fired 91
It’s Called Manners, Read A Book 95
When It’s Time To Switch To Water 96
Good Mistakes vs. Bad Mistakes: A Fuck Up’s Guide 100
Some Notes On Etiquette For The Behaviourally
Disenfranchised 102
How To Survive Your Family’s Holiday Party 106
An Incomplete List Of Things That Are Rude 111
Should You Text Them Back?, A Quiz 114
An Incomplete Guide To People Who Want To
Talk To You About Your Body 117
A Poem About A Night Out 122
Leaving A Party, A Gentle How-To 123
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better.indd 6 4/1/15 7:49 PM
On Female Friendship, Aka Everything 127
Female Sharing Evenings: A Sacred Rite 128
The Grown-Ass Woman’s Guide To Crying 134
How To Be A Good Roommate 139
A Poem About Sleepovers 144
Important Moments In Female Friendship: A Timeline 145
Cats Can Be Friends Too, A Love Letter To Boots 149
Fashion: Because For Some Reason We
Can’t All Be Naked 153
Apples And Oranges: On “Dressing To Flatter
Your Body” 154
Some Gentle Advice On Underwear 158
Which Of The Terrible Fashion Mistakes Of
My Past Are YOU, A Quiz 162
An Incomplete Guide To The Worst Things
Well-Meaning Store Clerks Have Said To Me 166
A Poem About Shopping While Busty 170
Sartorial Missed Connections 171
Diary Of A Bra 174
S-E-X-X-X and Love (zzzzzz) 179
An Incomplete List Of Personal Turn-Ons 180
What People Say To Me Because I Write About Sex 183
What to Call Your Boyfriend Or Girlfriend, Some Options 188
Are You Being Flirted With?, A Quiz 192
How To Have Very, Very Good Sex (At Least With Me) 195
A Poem For Boys 201
On Breaking Up Like A G.D. Adult 202
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better.indd 7 4/1/15 7:49 PM
“Our Modern World” 207
How To Make Your Apartment Look Like You
Read Design Blogs 208
Facebook, I Have Some Questions 212
A Guide To Sexy Selfie Poses 216
Is This Important?, A Quiz for Internet Users 220
A Poem About Texting 223
How To Watch Literally Hours Of TV At A Time 224
A Day In The Life Of Pinterest 229
Acknowledgments 233
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better.indd 8 4/1/15 7:49 PM
An Introduction
Hi! I’m so excited you’re here. I just hope I brought enough jokes
about chips for everyone. I know what you’re thinking: “Who is
this beautiful genius?” “Are there really going to be chips?” and
“Honestly I can tell she’s beautiful just from reading her prose,
which sounds crazy but nothing has ever felt more real.” Well.
My name is Monica Heisey (as you probably saw on the front
of the book, but hello again) and I am very excited to be here. I
am especially excited to be here because I did not really think
I would get to write this or any book, at least not right now. I
am not a television personality, or an heiress, or even that most
dubious of claims, a “social media celebrity.” I am just a girl,
standing in front of a book, asking you to love it.
Actually, I am a comedian and writer from Canada who in
1998 wrote a short story called “The James Bond School For
Girls,” about a secret preteen spy academy where “geekiness was
next to godliness.” I know what you’re thinking again: “That’s
very sad. I’m sad right now.” Me too. Life is hard. Still, I suppose
it is important that we get to know each other before embarking
on this textual “Odyssey of the Mind,” so here are some other
things you should know about me:
ix
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better.indd 9 4/1/15 7:49 PM
