I Always Want to Be Where I’m Not: Successful Living with ADD and ADHD

70 Pages·2014·0.61 MB·English

by  Wes Crenshaw

I ALWAYS WANT
TO BE
WHERE I’M NOT:
SUCCESSFUL LIVING WITH ADD AND ADHD

WES CRENSHAW, PHD ABPP

Copyright © 2014 Wes Crenshaw. All rights reserved. No part of this book may
be reproduced without written permission from Family Psychological Press,
except in the case of brief quotation embodied in other articles or critical reviews
and with proper citation of the original publication.

eReader Note: When returning to the main text from footnotes contained inside
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Published in the United States of America by
The vignettes in this book are based on actual clinical cases seen over twenty-
two years of practice. Identifying details have been disguised in such a way as to
meet American Psychological Association Ethical Guideline 4.07
(www.apa.org) for publishing case examples. When I thought the veil might be
thin enough for a client to recognize himself or herself, I asked for and received
permission to publish the vignette with the understanding that it contained
enough changes to protect confidentiality. The vignettes were selected to
represent a broad sample of the many different kinds of cases we commonly see
in clinical practice with clients having ADD and ADHD.
CONTENTS
Foreword
Is This Book For Me?
Chapter 1: On Being Where You Are
Is This Chapter For Me?
The Unrelenting Power of Boredom
The Advantages of Wandering
Principle 1: Be Where You Are Right Now
Chapter 2: Thinking and Acting
Is This Chapter For Me?
What ADD Is and What It Isn’t
All About Focus
Who Cares?
The Advantages of Spontaneity
Principle 2: Think Before You Act
Chapter 3: A Right Path
Is This Chapter For Me?
All Kinds of Uncomfortable
The Wisdom (Teeth) of Discomfort
The Tantalizing Joys of Avoidance
I’m Obliged
Scratchy Noisy Stuff
The Advantages of Having an Eye for Easy Paths
Principle 3: Make the Right Choice, Not the Easiest One
Chapter 4: Decisions Big and Small
Is This Chapter For Me?
The Smallest Decisions
Wishing and Wanting
On Keeping On Keeping On
Hope and Hopelessness
The Advantages of Thinking Big
Principle 4: The Most Important Decisions Are the Small Ones
Chapter 5: Follow Your Heart?
Is This Chapter For Me?
Two Styles of Decision Making
Who Can Understand the Heart?
The Advantages of Inspiration
Principle 5: Never Blindly Follow Your Heart
Chapter 6: When You Don’t Know How to Work Something
Is This Chapter For Me?
Bargaining in Good Faith With Your Destiny
Life’s Instructions
The Advantages of Raw Exploration
Principle 6: If You Don’t Know How to Work Something, Learn
Chapter 7: Going Down The Drain
Is This Chapter For Me?
If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Another
What Not to Do
The Advantages of Audacity
Principle 7: When Things Go Down the Drain, Don’t Make Them Worse
Chapter 8: Responsibility
Is This Chapter For Me?
Free Will 101
Who’s Really in Charge?
Responsibility: Take Care of Yourself So We Don’t Have To
Responsibility: Face Up to Your Screw Ups
Psychological Integrity
Avoiding Avoidance…Again
The Advantages of Externalizing Blame
Principle 8: Take Personal Responsibility
Chapter 9: Radical Honesty
Is This Chapter For Me?
Attaining Character
Psychological Integrity
The Tricky Nature of Shame
The Advantages of Poor Character
Principle 9: Practice Radical Honesty
Chapter 10: The Joy of Organization
Is This Chapter For Me?
Lost in The Clutter
Time Management
What’s In Your Head?
The Advantages of Disorganization
Principle 10: The Secret of Happiness is in How You Organize Your Life
Chapter 11: Love And Other Relationships
Is This Chapter For Me?
Where Do We Stand?
The Problem With Monogamy
Complimentary or Symmetrical?: ADD, Anxiety, and Love
Advantages and Disadvantages of Each Dyad
Principle 11: Love Intentionally
Chapter 12: Testing and Diagnosis
Is This Chapter For Me?
The Big Conspiracy
Principle 12: With ADD You Go From Where You Start
Chapter 13: Medication Management
Is This Chapter For Me?
You’re The Expert
Finding The Right Prescriber
Principle 13: Know What to Talk About When The Prescriber Arrives
Epilogue: Where Are They Now?
The Thirteen Principles
About The Author
Acknowledgements
FOREWORD
In this book, Dr. Wes Crenshaw, Board Certified Couples and Family
Psychologist, uses his many years of experience treating the ADD and ADHD
population to offer thirteen clear and wise principles for coping with this often
frustrating condition. In entertaining and informative vignettes Dr. Crenshaw
mines his clients’ struggles and triumphs to illustrate the kinds of behaviors and
challenges that hinder those with ADD and to show how, with the help of a
mentor, medication, and the application of his thirteen principles, they can
transform their lives.
Although this book is meant as a therapeutic self-help tool for an ADD client
and his or her therapist or mentor, as it turns out, Dr. Crenshaw’s thirteen
principles—often punctuated with fun pop culture references—are good advice
for all of us whether or not we have ADD. Just as Harry Potter’s Professor
Dumbledore exhorts the students of Hogwarts to “make the choice between what
is right and what is easy[1],” Dr. Crenshaw teaches his clients that the hard road is
often, ultimately, the more rewarding path. He counsels patience and
perseverance while acknowledging that for those with ADD—who must expend
so much more effort and discipline than the average person in order to complete
a task—the rewards will be gruelingly hard won. Fortunately, Dr. Crenshaw’s
formulas and advice provide readers with a handy road map to keep them on
track and on task while they calculate the wisest course. If the only guidance the
reader takes away from this book is a profound understanding of Crenshaw’s
Formula Hard Path -> Easy Life, Easy Path -> Hard Life, his or her money will
have been well spent.
As we are invited into the intimate and heartbreaking challenges of Dr.
Crenshaw’s therapy sessions, we see graphic examples of the severe debilitation
many ADD clients suffer. They find it difficult to complete their educations,
keep jobs, maintain relationships, or even manage their households. As we watch
them founder, as we see so many of them lose heart and start to go under, Dr.
Crenshaw is there with uncompromising support and wisdom, throwing out the
lifesaver that can help tow them back to shore. Make no mistake; this often takes
the form of very tough love, like a boot camp for people with ADD, and readers
who’ve never experienced a directive therapy, may be taken aback. But when a
client’s entire life has been compromised by ADD and his or her future
happiness is threatened because of it, Dr. Crenshaw’s blunt take-no-prisoners
guidance and thirteen principles could be the deciding factor between failure and
success.
This same pragmatism is also to be found in his pithy and well-reasoned
response to “deniers” who eschew medication. To those and others who perceive
this as a disease of character rather than chemistry Dr. Crenshaw replies “ADD
doesn’t care whether you believe in it or not. It’s no more faith-based than are
diabetes or kidney stones.” He solves the mystery of the uptick in both diagnosis
and treatment of ADD as a result of the complicated lives we lead in a modern
world that is so unforgiving of disorganization.
As a psychologist, Dr. Crenshaw focuses mostly on the mental and emotional
aspects of ADD which he then very helpfully breaks down and restructures into
the kind of practical advice that can help to save jobs and relationships. As a
Professional Organizer specializing in an ADD clientele I was particularly
impressed with Dr. Crenshaw’s sound advice on organizational systems. Not
only does he stress minimalism—a therapeutic necessity that I have been
preaching to my clients and in my books for years—but he lays out some
concrete steps on how to achieve it.
But mostly this book is a chart for the therapeutic journey that ADD sufferers
must embark on if they are going to achieve the success in relationships,
schooling, and jobs that we all desire. The thirteen principles and their practical
solutions provide a game plan for tackling the challenges of this condition.
Obviously a book this size cannot provide detailed advice on every challenge,
but it can serve as a broad template which the client and mentor can then
customize to meet individual needs. As such, it offers a clear and experienced
guide for those who suffer from ADD on how to live with it and ultimately how
to triumph over it.
― Susan C. Pinsky, author of Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD