How to Get Through the Working Day... Without Actually Doing Any Work

128 Pages·2006·1.16 MB·English

by  Jessica Barrah

Crombie Jardine
PUBLISHING LIMITED
13 Nonsuch Walk, Cheam, Surrey, SM2 7LG
www.crombiejardine.com
This edition was first published by
Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited in 2006
Copyright © Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited, 2006
All rights are reserved. No part of this publication may be
reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form
or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or
otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
ISBN 1-905102-65-8
Written by Jessica Barrah
Illustrations by Jessica Barrah
Designed by Stewart Ferris
Printed and bound in the United Kingdom by
William Clowes Ltd, Beccles, Suffolk
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CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION......................................................5
D.E.A.D. E.N.D.........................................................10
SLACKER GUIDE LINES...........................................14
OVERCOMING SCRUPLES......................................20
TURN UP, LOG IN, SLACK OFF..............................24
SPREADSHEETS........................................................30
NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER..............33
BOSSES IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR....................35
WORK SHY...............................................................39
OUTSOURCE YOURSELF........................................43
HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE
PEOPLE ........................................................... 47
TEAM MEETINGS.....................................................49
CHARITY WORK......................................................53
AWAY DAYS..............................................................56
HEALTH AND SAFETY IN THE WORK PLACE.....71
ACCEPTABLE, RUN OF THE MILL, TIME-WASTING
AFFLICTIONS..................................................76
POSSIBLY ADVANTAGEOUS AFFLICTIONS.........86
IF YOU HAD ANY COMPASSION, YOU’D LET ME
LEAVE...............................................................89
RELIGION IN THE WORK PLACE..........................91
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SLEEPING ON THE JOB..........................................95
SIESTA FIESTAS!......................................................102
CONCLUSION.......................................................106
SLACKER SLOGANS...............................................110
SKIVERS’ QUIZ.......................................................118
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INTRODUCTION
As Dolly Parton would no doubt
agree, working 9:00 to 5:00...
what a way to make a living!
Doing no work at all between
those hours is easy – if you want
to get your P45. But this guide is
dedicated those who wish to
actually keep their job, whilst
doing as little as possible to retain
it.
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HOW TO GET THROUGH THE WORKING DAY...
There are jobs where it is really
not feasible or ethical to idle away
your time. Junior doctors in
hospitals may sleep on the job, but
only because it’s a 70-hour shift.
Bus drivers: Keep your eyes on the
road, your hands upon the wheel!
Other jobs seem more conducive
to skiving; Rome wasn’t built in a
day, because all the builders were
drinking tea, showing off rear
cleavage and shouting sexist
remarks at passing blondes in low-
cut togas.
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...WITHOUT ACTUALLY DOING ANY WORK
However, this book is mainly
aimed at people based in an office,
typically in a fairly menial job.
Directors, having worked,
networked, slept or bought their
way up, will feel entitled to loaf
around having power lunches and
playing golf, and will not have to
justify anything to the boss. They
are the boss.
But it’s more difficult further down
the pecking order. Many people
may have lost any semblance of
motivation they ever had, are
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HOW TO GET THROUGH THE WORKING DAY...
bored to their back teeth, and clock
watching for eight hours straight.
Find a new job, you may say. Do
something you really want to do.
Fair comment. But what if what
you really want to do is nothing?
What if you have come to realize
that nearly all jobs involve a large
amount of tedious tasks, and that
Plan B (becoming a Top Gun-style
fighter pilot) may not work out,
as you haven’t even managed to
pass your driving test yet? Maybe
all your ambitions revolve around
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...WITHOUT ACTUALLY DOING ANY WORK
being able to stay at home and
watch Trisha.
You don’t want to get another job.
There may be nowhere to go in
the company except sideways, but
it’s comfortable. Sideways can
turn into horizontal, and you might
be able to get a bit of shut-eye.
You want to keep the job you’ve
got, without actually working. You
just want to get the working day
done with as quickly and enjoyably
as possible, and then get on with
the rest of your life. Read on!
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HOW TO GET THROUGH THE WORKING DAY...
D.E.A.D. E.N.D
In the interview for your job, you
probably said that you were a
motivated self-starter who loved
a challenge. You need to show
those motivational, pro-active
skills by dealing with the thorny
problem of actually doing work.
Just remember the following key
words and repeat them five times
as a mantra:
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