Table Of ContentHow to Avoid a Bad Relationship
by
Bryan M. Knight, MSW, PhD.
Copyright © 2000--2004 Bryan M. Knight
The Chessnut Press
ISBN: 0-919848-51-6
All rights reserved
Contents
The Solution (in brief)
Five Signs of a Bad Relationship
Nine Excuses We Give Ourselves to Stay
The Perfect Partner
The Solution (in detail)
Causes of Relationship Dissatisfaction
Seven Ways to Develop Self-respect
Protecting Yourself From a Bad Relationship
About Dr Bryan Knight
The Solution
(in brief)
The two keys to avoiding a bad relationship are:
♦ To listen, and
♦ To know yourself.
These are, as the saying goes, easier said than done.
We'll go into these Two Keys in much more detail at the
end of this ebook.
First, let’s look at the five signs of a bad relationship:
Five Signs of a Bad Relationship
1. The relationship is not satisfying to you.
2. You don’t feel right about the other person.
3. You’d prefer to be with someone else.
4. Your self-respect is being damaged.
5. Your senses of humour are mismatched.
Perhaps you laugh at something, which doesn’t even draw
a smile from him or her. If this happens once in a while it
is not significant.
But if you frequently find yourself horrified at what he
considers funny, or she rarely laughs when you do,
watch out. This is a major sign of incompatibility.
It doesn’t mean that one of you is wrong and the other is
right.
It does indicate differences in temperament and values
that could be a chasm ultimately too wide to bridge.
If you feel diminished in any way you know you are in a
bad relationship. Examples of disrespect are:
♦ your partner laughs at you,
♦ sneers at your accomplishments,
♦ is indifferent to your work,
♦ denigrates women [men],
♦ is unpunctual with you,
♦ ignores your opinions,
♦ is constantly critical,
♦ is unfaithful, or
♦ hits you.
You know you’re dissatisfied when you’re often thinking
of someone else...especially if you’re making unfavourable
comparisons between the current partner and the other
person.
Unfortunately, it’s often the case that in a woman’s
imagination the “Other Man” is a “super guy,” but in
reality he is another “creep.”
And just as you don’t feel right with your current man,
the object of your fantasy will likely prove no better; that
is, until you know yourself more thoroughly.
Until you’re aware of what attracts you to “creeps.”
For instance, part of the attraction a woman has for a
man married to someone else is the excitement and
danger inherent in an illicit liaison.
And that he has already betrayed a woman’s trust.
Why would a woman be attracted to such a man?
Social biology tells us it's because historically women have
sought out rough, tough men to protect them and their
babies.
Although we live in the 21st century, our basic biology and
psychology is still Stone Age.
Which is why during my 'How to Avoid a Bad
Relationship' seminars most of the women raise their
hands when I ask "How many of you find 'decent' men
boring and 'creeps' exciting?"
Another reason many women are drawn to men who are
not good for them is low self-esteem, especially the
conviction that: "I'm nothing without a man."
And this is despite the supposed liberation of women
during recent decades.
Which is not to deny the joys of being part of a couple. But
I do suggest that for a good relationship a woman has first
to respect herself and have her own distinct identity.
Gone are the days when a woman could feel fulfilled by
simply being an appendage to a man, satisfied with
reflected glory of his status or achievements.
Similarly, the socio-biology of men tells us that they are
programmed to spread their genes as widely as possible.
The urge to be unfaithful is inbred you might say.
Thus compliant women, content to provide sex, comfort
and child-raising, were preferred as mates.
Men in the 21st century continue to act out this basic
programming. But many also resist blind obedience to
biology.
Thus, for men, bad relationships can arise:
♦ From discomfort with a woman who is not compliant
enough,
♦ From boredom with a woman who is too compliant,
♦ From the man's own low self-esteem, shame or guilt,
♦ From the man's inability to face his fears and
vulnerability.
Nine Excuses We Give Ourselves to Stay
1. “He’s [she's] O.K. but...”
A nagging doubt about some particular aspect of the
partner's personality or behaviour should set off alarm
bells:
(cid:131) “He’s O.K. but he does lose his temper when he
drinks...”,
(cid:131) “He’s O.K. but I wish he would spend less time with his
mother and more time with me”...
(cid:131) “He’s O.K. but his super neatness gets to me...”
(cid:131) "She's O.K. but that laugh of hers can be irritating…"
(cid:131) "She's O.K. but she's so indecisive…"
(cid:131) "She's O.K. but she's a bit too flirtatious around other
guys.."
If the doubt arises from something you cannot, or will not,
tolerate, the relationship is doomed. (That might be your
fault, not the other person's. Perhaps you are unrealistic
in your desire for a “perfect” person).
2. “He’ll change...”
No one changes unless they want to. And can. That you
believe he should change, or that you can bring about that
change, is a prescription for disaster.
3. “I’ll change” is even worse, unless the change is
something you truly want.
Despite her misgivings one of my clients acquiesced to her
man’s insistence that she enlarge her breasts. Implants
were not something she felt right about.
She sacrificed her better judgement. Suffered physical
discomfort and risked her health by agreeing to change
herself for him.
It was a waste.
Not being true to herself caused her inner turmoil and of
course adversely affected the relationship.
Subsequently, the superficial fellow left her for a woman
with even larger, but natural, breasts.
4. He or she doesn't accept your kids.
Divorced or widowed people with children have a built-in
radar: their children. Your relationship is bound to be
difficult if the other person does not accept them.
(This is not to say that the children should be able to veto
your romantic life. You have to exercise adult judgement
to distinguish between the kids' natural reluctance to
accept a parent-substitute and their possible sensitivity to
unacceptable aspects of his or her personality).
5. Initial excitement.
