How to argue: powerfully, persuasively, positively

230 Pages·4.519 MB·English

by  Herring, Jonathan

14.7mm matt laminate CMYK
The ability to persuade, influence and convince is a vital
skill for success in work and life. However, most of us
have little idea how to argue well. Indeed, arguing is still
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seen by many as something to be avoided at all costs,
and mostly it’s done really badly – or not at all. Yet it’s o
possibly the most powerful and most neglected asset
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you could have. How to

Discover the art of arguing powerfully, persuasively t
and positively and you’ll have a head start every time
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you want to:
Put your point across effectively
Persuade other people to your way
of thinking
Keep your cool in a heated situation
Win people over
Get what you want
Tackle a diffi cult person or topic
Be convincing and articulate
J powerfully
O
Have great confi dence when you speak
N
A persuasively
In How to Argue, leading lawyer, husband and father T
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Jonathan Herring reveals the secrets and subtleties
A positively
of making your case and winning hearts and minds.
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At home or at work, you’ll be well equipped to make

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everything you say have the desired effect, every time.
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PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT J O NAT H A N H E R R I N G
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How to
Argue
Prentice Hall LIFE
If life is what you make it, then making it better starts here.
What we learn today can change our lives tomorrow. It can
change our goals or change our minds; open up new
opportunities or simply inspire us to make a difference.
That’s why we have created a new breed of books that do
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In these pages we hope you’ll find the ideas you need for the
life you want. Go on, help yourself.
It’s what you make it
How to
Argue
Powerfully, Persuasively,
Positively
JONATHAN HERRING
PEARSON EDUCATION LIMITED
Edinburgh Gate
Harlow CM20 2JE
Tel: [phone]
Fax: [phone]
Website: www.pearsoned.co.uk
First published in Great Britain in 2011
© Jonathan Herring 2011
The right of Jonathan Herring to be identified as author of this work has
been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and
Patents Act 1988.
Pearson Education is not responsible for the content of third-party internet sites
ISBN 978-0-273-73418-5
British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Herring, Jonathan.
How to argue : powerfully, persuasively, positively / Johnathan Herring.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-0-273-73418-5 (pbk.)
1. Persuasion (Psychology) 2. Interpersonal communication. I. Title.
BF637.P4H465 2011
168--dc22 2010030249
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iv
Contents
Introduction vii
Part 1: The ten golden rules of
argument
1 Golden Rule 1: Be prepared 3
2 Golden Rule 2: When to argue, when to
walk away 15
3 Golden Rule 3: What you say and how you say it 25
4 Golden Rule 4: Listen and listen again 41
5 Golden Rule 5: Excel at responding to
arguments 53
6 Golden Rule 6: Watch out for crafty tricks 65
7 Golden Rule 7: Develop the skills for arguing
in public 89
8 Golden Rule 8: Be able to argue in writing 95
9 Golden Rule 9: Be great at resolving deadlock 103
10 Golden Rule 10: Maintain relationships 111
v
CONTENTS
Part 2: Situations where arguments
commonly arise

11 How to argue with those you love 121

12 How to argue with your children 131

13 Arguments at work 145

14 How to complain 153

15 How to get what you want from an expert 165

16 Arguing when you know you’re in the wrong 175

17 Arguing again and again 183

18 Doormats 195

19 How to be a good winner 205

20 To recap 211
vi
Introduction
Do you hate arguments and avoid them at all costs? Or do you
just find that you keep losing them? Perhaps even when you
win, somehow you feel it has all been counter-productive?
If so, this is the book for you. It will teach you how to argue
well. You’ll discover how you can get your points across in a
clear and effective way. It will also help you to develop tech-
niques so that you can respond to the arguments of others
equally effectively.
Some people love arguments (lawyers and small children in par-
ticular). But most people flee them. Sometimes that’s a good
thing, but often it isn’t. Avoiding an argument can mean that
the problem simply goes on and is brushed under the carpet.
The suppressed resentment can poison a relationship or fill a
workplace with tension.
In this book we will look at more positive ways of understand-
ing arguments. They needn’t be about shouting or imposing your
will on someone. A good argument shouldn’t involve screaming,
squabbling or fisticuffs, even though too often it does. Shouting
matches are rarely beneficial to anyone. Instead, we should view
the ability to argue well as an art and a skill.
The ability to argue calmly, rationally and well is a real asset at
work and in life. It can sharpen your thinking, test your theo-
ries, get you what you want. In any case, it’s impossible to avoid
arguments. So you need to learn how to argue well. Arguments
can be positive. A good argument between friends can be fun
and enlivening. An argument can get matters out in the open so
vii
INTrODUCTION
that issues can be dealt with and there are no hidden grudges.
Sometimes an argument is necessary to ensure that we get what
we are entitled to: if you never argue in favour of a pay rise, you
might never get one!
Arguments should be about understanding other people better,
sharing ideas and finding mutually beneficial ways ahead.
Arguing has sometimes got a bad press. But that’s because
people often argue badly. That must stop!
“
The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory
”
but progress. Karl Popper
Arguing should lead to a better understanding of another per-
son’s point of view and a better understanding of your own.
Many people go through their lives simply not understanding
how anyone could be a socialist, believe in God, support fox-
hunting, or enjoy French films. This happens because they’ve
not discussed these issues with people with whom they disa-
gree. They’ve not presented their views and had them tested by
others. It’s astounding how many preconceptions people have
about those who are different from them. ‘It’s amazing, I met
a Conservative Party supporter the other day and they were
quite nice,’ a friend once said to me. It’s only by talking to other
people who disagree with you that your own responses become
clearer and you can better appreciate the views of others.
This book is in two parts. The first will set out what I call the
Ten Golden Rules of Argument. These are rules that can be rele-
vant in a whole range of situations: from arguments with a boss,
to arguments with a partner, to arguments with your plumber.
They’ll even work if your partner is the plumber! In the second
part I will look at particular situations where arguments com-
monly arise. We’ll put the golden rules into practice.
viii
1
Part