How Not to Fall Apart: Lessons Learned on the Road from Self-Harm to Self-Care

154 Pages·2018·9.53 MB·English

by  Maggy van Eijk

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Copyright © 2018 by Maggy van Eijk
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Van Eijk, Maggy, author.
Title: How not to fall apart : lessons learned on the road from self-harm to self-care / Maggy van Eijk.
Description: New York, New York : TarcherPerigee, [2018] |
Identifiers: LCCN 2018022861 (print) | LCCN 2018029537 (ebook) | ISBN 9780525505280 | ISBN
9780143133490 (paperback)
Subjects: LCSH: Mentally health. | Mental health—Treatment. | Self-care, Health. | BISAC: SELF-HELP /
Depression. | PSYCHOLOGY / Mental Health.
Classification: LCC RA790 (ebook) | LCC RA790 .V33 2018 (print) | DDC 616.89—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018022861
p. cm.
Version_1
For Annie and Sandy
This book made me feel less alone in a single page. It’s reassuring, warm, hilarious,
and without a doubt will help countless other people feel less alone as well, which is
the best thing any book about mental health can do.
MEGAN CRABBE @BODY
CONTENTS
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Epigraph
Chapter 1 Before We Begin
Chapter 2 Remember This When the World Won’t Stop Spinning
Chapter 3 Remember This When You’re Scared of Your Own Brain
Chapter 4 Remember This When You Want to Hurt Yourself
Chapter 5 Remember This When You Can’t Stand Your Own Body
Chapter 6 Remember This When You’re Falling in Love
Chapter 7 Remember This When You’re Having Sex
Chapter 8 Remember This When You’re in a Relationship
Chapter 9 Remember This When Someone Else Hurts You
Chapter 10 Remember This When You’re Losing Your Job
Chapter 11 Remember This When You’re Alone
Chapter 12 Remember This When You’re Online
Chapter 13 Remember This When Things Are Getting Better
Chapter 14 Remember This When You’re Sad
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Remember this when your head hurts
Remember this when you want to hurt yourself
Remember this when you hate your body
Remember this when your heart aches
Remember this when the outside world is bullshit
CHAPTER 1
Before We Begin
Is this a good idea?”
“Is this a good idea?”
“Are we sure this is a good idea?”
This is the conversation I have with myself the most, sometimes out loud in
the futile hope someone out there will reply. I said it when I told my doctor
about my anxiety, I said it when I swallowed my first dose of Citalopram, I said
it when I took myself to the ER, and I said it when I was thinking about writing
this book.
Is it a good idea to write about something I’m still very much in the middle
of? It feels like writing about war when I’m still on the battlefield or reporting
on an earthquake when shockwaves are tearing down houses around me.
Deep down I know that writing this book is a good idea because it’s what’s
helping me continue on. I have a Quality Street tin of mental health conditions
that sometimes decide to get together and make a joint appearance. One
condition at a time is relatively manageable but when they all flare up at once it
feels like I’m walking around with my head on fire. Only no one can see the
blaze. Apart from the scars that run up and down my arms like a train track,
everything looks calm. Business as usual.
I hope that by writing my story, by turning my
brain inside out and making the invisible visible, I
No matter how shitty
can help someone in a similar position, someone who
your situation is,
feels they’re stuck in the trenches and there’s no way
there is an escape
out. What I’ve learned so far is that no matter how
route.
shitty your situation is, there is an escape route, and
every time you climb out you’ll be more equipped to
deal with the next falling down. This book aims to remind people of that, and
myself too.
Ultimately, your mental illness lies to you. It’ll tell you that everything is
wrong and that you have no future. It’ll tell you that you should be ashamed and
you’re a nuisance and you don’t deserve to get help. The world in which
depression and anxiety reign supreme is extremely lonely, and I wanted to write
this book to reach out and say: “Hey there, you’re not alone, I’m right there with
you.”
Having said that, everyone’s mind is unique, and while our background and
diagnoses might sound similar, my story can’t encompass your entire
experience. In fact, diagnoses can be a strange thing. I was told I had unipolar
depression at age seventeen, then a doctor came along and added bipolar to the
mix in my early twenties, another one went back to the original conclusion, and
finally, aged twenty-seven I was told I have borderline personality disorder.
Each time I received a new diagnosis, I assumed I’d step out of my doctor’s
office and my entire life would change, but it never did. Instead, my mental
health remained the same tough slog of a thing I have to push through to move
forward.
This book isn’t specifically about my borderline personality disorder, but it
might touch on symptoms of that condition. I’ll also touch on depression,
anxiety, self-harm, and self-esteem while moving through my body—the head,
the skin, the heart—and the world around me. I’ll talk about the moments we all
have when you’re stressed, angry, sad, or all three. When you’re plummeting
into a sinkhole. When you feel so lost you could do with a map that tells you
where you are and where you’re most likely going to be tomorrow.
Depression is in no way equal to “sadness,” but I am sad an awful lot. So I’ve
also filled this book with little everyday reminders to pull myself out of my brain
ditch. There are notes and anecdotes plastered all over my walls, my phone, my
notebook, my mirror, and the back of my hand, and I’ve put them all together on
paper in a way I hope you’ll find useful. Some of these reminders are set up as
lists. I love lists. They impose a sense of organization onto a lot of the chaos that
whizzes around in my head. I make daily to-do lists. I make them for work. I
make them for when I get home. I make bigger picture lists: week goals, month
goals, year goals. I also have lists for things to reward myself with: tattoos,
books, films, playlists.
The most important aspect of lists for me is the fact that they are a direct link
to the future, even if it’s as immediate as what I’m going to be doing in the next
half hour. Lists tell me I need to hang on. They tell me not to give up just yet,
which is why I’m using them so often in this book. Hopefully they’ll have the
same effect on you too.