Table Of ContentGritterBookCoverFINAL:Layout 1 3/13/09 2:54 PM Page 1
G
r
How Hospitality Empowers Children i
t
t
and Transforms Adoption e HOSPITIOUS
r
ADOPTION
Usingthelensofhospitalitytoexplorethecreativepotentialofadoptive
relationships,JamesL.Gritteroffersacongenialyetchallengingdepictionof
adoption.Inhishands,hospitalitybecomesthenextphaseofopenadoption.
Thehospitiousperspectiveencouragesfamiliestoforgemeaningful,dynamic,
andenduringconnections.Andwithitsinsightthateachparticipantwillplay
theroleofguestandhostasanadoptionmatures,hospitalityenablesustosee
thechildrenofadoptioninaboldnewway—asemerginghosts. JAMES L. GRITTER
Withcasestudiesfromtheauthor’sexperience,HospitiousAdoptionconsid-
erseachstepoftheprocess.Thebookalsocarefullyexaminespotentialbarriers Foreword by Randolph Severson
tohospitality:anexpectantparent’sdecisiontodiscontinueaproposedadoption,
H
apairingofverydifferentbirthparentsandadoptiveparents,anadoptivefam-
ily’sconcernaboutprivacy,anagency’sworryaboutefficiency.Drawingonhis O
personalperspective,Gritterdiscussesthelinkbetweenhospitalityandfaith.
S
Withitspowertobringpeopletogetherandtohelpchildrenfeel“athome,”hos- P
pitalityoffersanencouragingwayforward. I
JamesL.GritterisalsotheauthorofTheSpiritofOpenAdoptionandLifegivers T
forCWLAPress. I
O
“HospitiousAdoptionbringstheadoptionjourneyintothefamiliarworldofrelationshipsand U
theingredientsthatallowthemtoblossom.Settingavaluablestandard,itoffersguidelinesfora S
healthierjourneyforallinvolved.Writtenwithclarityandthoughtfulcandor,ittrulyjoinsallpartici-
A
pantsasvalued,blendedfamilymembers.”
–PatriciaMartinezDornerMA,LPC,LMFT D
Author,HowtoOpenanAdoption:AGuideforParentsandBirthparentsofMinors O
P
“JimGritter’snewbookisathoughtful,upliftingjoyofanadditiontoadoptionliterature.
T
Thepathheilluminateswithhisinsightsisonethat,iffollowed,willleadusalltoabetterplace—
I
onewhere(toparaphrasetheauthor)weunitefamiliesratherthandividethem.It’sawonderful O
visionforadoptionandbeyond.Ihopeeveryonereadsthisbook,embracesit,andlivesit.”
N
–AdamPertman
ExecutiveDirector,EvanB.DonaldsonAdoptionInstitute
Author,AdoptionNation:HowtheAdoptionRevolutionIsTransformingAmerica
“JimGritterbreathesyetanotherbreathoffreshairintotheworldofadoptioninHospitious
Adoption.Tothisadoptee’sheart,thewordsringtrueandarelife-giving.”
–SherrieEldridge
Author,TwentyThingsAdoptedKidsWishTheirAdoptiveParentsKnew
$19.95
ISBN: 978-1-58760-123-1
2345 Crystal Drive, Suite 250 • Arlington, VA 22202-4815
703-412-2400 • Fax 703-412-2401 • www.cwla.org
HospitiousAdoption4:Layout 1 3/13/09 2:53 PM Page 1
HOSPITIOUS
ADOPTION
JAMES L. GRITTER
ForewordbyRandolphSeverson
Arlington,VA
HospitiousAdoption4:Layout 1 3/13/09 2:53 PM Page 2
CWLAPressisanimprintofCWLA.CWLAisthenation’soldestandlargestmember-
ship-basedchildwelfareorganization.Wearecommittedtoengagingpeopleeverywhere
inpromotingthewell-beingofchildren,youth,andtheirfamilies,andprotectingevery
childfromharm.AllproceedsfromthesaleofthisbooksupportCWLA’sprogramsinbehalf
ofchildrenandfamilies.
©2009byChildWelfareLeagueofAmerica,Inc.Allrightsreserved.Neitherthisbook
noranypartmaybereproducedortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronicor
mechanical,includingphotocopying,microfilming,andrecording,orbyanyinformation
storageandretrievalsystem,withoutpermissioninwritingfromthepublisher.Forinfor-
mationonthisorotherCWLApublications,contacttheCWLAPublicationDepartment
attheaddressbelow.
CWLAHEADQUARTERS
2345CrystalDrive,Suite250
Arlington,Virginia22202-4815
www.cwla.org
CURRENTPRINTING(lastdigit)
10987654321
CoverandtextdesignbyTimMurren
EditedbyMeghanWilliams
PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica
ISBN:978-1-58760-123-1
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Gritter,JamesL.,1950-
Hospitiousadoption/JamesL.Gritter;forewordbyRandolphSeverson.
p.cm.
Includesbibliographicalreferences.
ISBN978-1-58760-123-1(pbk.:alk.paper)
1. Openadoption.2. Adoptiveparents.3. Birthparents.4. Adoption. I.Title.
HV875.G7532009
362.734--dc22
2009000794
HospitiousAdoption4:Layout 1 3/13/09 2:53 PM Page 3
This book is dedicated to Dick Beachnau, a man of boundless grace and
hospitality.Anadministratorwhohadthegoodwill,respect,andcourage
tonotice,listento,andmakeroomforidealisticyoungsocialworkers,he
createdacultureinwhichamazingthingscouldhappen.
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HospitiousAdoption4:Layout 1 3/13/09 2:53 PM Page 5
TABLE OF CONTENTS
FOREWORDBYRANDOLPHSEVERSON vii
INTRODUCTION 1
TOWARDHOSPITABLEADOPTIONLANGUAGE 9
1. OLDDOGSANDFARMERS:
HospitalityastheGatewaytoConnection 17
2. THEETHICOFHOSPITALITY:
“StrangeandAmazingThingsCanHappen” 27
3. SAVORINGHOSPITALITY’SWELCOME:
ThroughtheEyesoftheStranger 37
4. THEDYNAMICPOTENTIALOFHOSPITALITY:
TheAdoptiveChildasEmergingHost 45
5. HOSPITALITY’SSWEETESTFRUIT:
FeelingatHomewithEachOther 69
6. NATALHOSPITALITY:
TheArtofGentleTransition 75
7. INVERTEDHOSPITALITY:
WorkingThroughaChangeofHeart 89
8. DOINGHOSPITALITY:
WorkingwithDifferences 99
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9. HOSPITIOUSAVAILABILITY:
PrivacyasFriendandFoe 115
10.WELCOMINGTHEWELCOMERS:
HowAgenciesMakeRoomforPrograms
BasedonHospitality 125
11.CHILD-CENTEREDHOSPITALITY:
TheNextPhaseofOpenness 133
12.SPEAKINGPERSONALLY:
HospitalityasanExpressionofFaith 139
13.QUESTIONSANDANSWERS:
HospitiousImplicationsandApplications 147
REFERENCES 171
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS 177
ABOUTTHEAUTHOR 181
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vii
FOREWORD
I
t is hard to write a foreword to a book whose candor and clarities
are so revealing of a private resolve, of what has been generally
intended and practiced but never truly identified, much less so art-
fully anatomized, so usefully and comprehensively described.
One must feel a bit exposed, a trifle envious, but entirely
grateful. These feelings, I suspect, I’ll share with many readers
ofHospitiousAdoption.
Thehardshipisworthenduringbecauseadoptionissuchimpor-
tantwork.Adoptiontouchesmillionsofpeople,literally,buttouches
ishardlytheword;adoption,itsachesanditsintimacies,grabs,grips,
crushes sometimes, and always shakes those who find themselves
involvedinitastriadmemberorprofessional,tothefarthestreaches
oftheirfoundations.It’svolcanicinintensity,seismicineffect.The
sad fact, however, is that some people don’t know it, or more truly
said, deny it, and as a result—whether as birthparent, cowering in
shame and secrecy; or adoptive parent, hoping that love is enough
and will heal all wounds; or as adopted people, trying to persuade
someone, not least of all themselves that “my adoptive parents are
my only real parents”; or as professionals maintaining their objec-
tivity—livequietlivesofaliasidentities.
It has been said that God created the world because he loved a
goodstory.Hemustloveadoption,becauseadoptionmakesawhale
ofagoodstory.Adoptionthrowsintosharpreliefsomanyofourulti-
mate concerns and worst failings as human beings—abandonment,
suffering, loss, separation, the soul and body split, sex, illegitimacy,
orphanhood,power,society,imagination,menandwomen,mystery,
soul searching, reunion—so that they can be known not in the
abstract,butwithahumanfaceandstory.
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viii HospitiousAdoption
Adoption is an important work and this book goes to the heart
of adoption, where the author maintains hospitality resides.
Hospitality may be at the heart of humanity too, the defining fea-
tureofwhatmakesushuman,justlowerthantheangelsastheBible
says.Humanitynotsomuchasworkerorwise,buthospitableman,
theanimalabletolifthimselfabovetheotheranimalsbythevirtue
ofshowinghospitalitytothestranger,eventheenemy.Evenamidst
the worst kinds of conflicts, the most vicious of divisions, human
beingsseemastonishinglycapableofsuspendingforamomenttheir
grievances and feuds, even their age-old hates, of stepping beyond
theirnormalrolesandintoalargerselfthroughacts,smallandgreat,
of hospitality. I think of a scene from Faulkner’s Flags in the Dust,
whenBayard—theSouthernarchetypeofthelostgeneration,home
fromWorldWarI;decadent,cursedbysurvivor’sguilt,hurtlingand
sinking into headlong self-destruction and unreachable despair,
incomprehensible to his aging aristocratic Sartoris family—flees
throughthewoods,runningawayfromsomething,frankly,whenon
Christmas Day he enters into the home of a black family preparing
tositdownfortheirChristmasdinner.Fromtheoutside,totheper-
son of Bayard’s race and rank, the home would normally be almost
invisible, a shack in the woods; but once he is graciously invited to
cross its threshold, it is a home where Christ’s birth is being cele-
brated with all due honor in a dinner that represents the best the
housecanoffer.AsBayardbeginstoeat,herealizesthatthemother
and father are waiting for him to eat first, but he overrides their
objectionssothattheyallsitdown,themotherandfatherandchil-
dren,todinetogether.Theybreakbreadtogetherinafleetingactof
human communion that defies stored-up evils and leaves only Jim
Crowstanding atthedoor.
The conflicts and divides of adoption, the clashing needs and
competing urgencies, are sometimes as wide and apparently impos-
sibletobridgeasthosethatdividetheraces.Butasthisbookshows,
hospitality can close the gap, can make that bridge, and further it
shows us practically, concretely, and specifically how to do it. This
is one adoption book that does not pretend that adoption isn’t
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Foreword ix
controlled by administrators and board members and others even
more removed from actual casework who legitimately worry about
economy, efficiency, productivity, and the bottom line. There is
adviceaplentyheretooforsuchusually invisible folks.
Theauthor’sspecialfocusisopenadoption.Openadoptionisnot
atermI’mparticularlyfondof.I’dratherjustspeakofadoption.Far
from being an innovation of any kind, open adoption is simply a
returntotimelessandtraditionalformsofchild-raising,aharkening
backtotheideathat—despitetheassertionsofbothformerSenators
Hillary Clinton and Rick Santorum—it is neither a village nor a
familythatittakestoraiseachild,butavillageoffamilies,andfam-
iliescomeineverysize,shape,andcoloroflove.Perhapsthephrase
closed adoption will eventually simply drop out of the language, not
only the practice but the term itself falling into desuetude, along
with other nightmares inflicted upon us by the social engineers of
the 20th century who believed—sometimes blamelessly but more
often for unconscionable but never-admitted reasons, having to do
with increaseofpower—thathumannaturewasablankslateupon
which they could inscribe their vision of what humanity was and
could be. The idea of hospitality takes us back to human nature, to
whatitreallyis(whichissometimesexecrable),butwhatitcanalso
sometimesbe.Thekeyistoacceptpeopleforwhotheyare,withtol-
erance and compassion, but not without an unflinching honesty
about where we, and they, fall short, while inspiring them through
wordanddeed.Thewordishospitalityandthedeedistohost,with
allthereligiousdepththatthisphrase evokes.
This is a gracious book written by a gracious man, who himself
embodies the old verity he writes about hospitality. For over two
decadesheandhisfriendshavehostedaconferenceinTraverseCity
inspringtime,ontheshoresofLakeMichigan,whenthecherryblos-
soms start to bloom. As this book goes to the heart of adoption, so
thatconferencehasgonetotheheartofwhataprofessionalconfer-
ence is meant to be. The Traverse City Conference on Open
Adoptionhasbeenlessofaconferenceandmoreofaretreat,inan
almost radiantly spiritual sense, to which the whole of the open
Description:mechanical, including photocopying, microfilming, and recording, or by any information storage and .. writer Os Guiness' observation that “The sign of a good society is the level and passed through the gate of hospitality.
