Here's the pdf file for Mad Magazine issue #540

58 Pages·2016·21.32 MB·English

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Departments NUMBER 54O
AUGUST 2016
.I IT'S THE IIST WE CAN DO DEPARTMENT
Th" MAD Table of Contents s,
4it ' LETTERS AND TOMATOES DEPARTMENT ]*;
Random Samplings of Reader Mail
Co RANDOM ACTS OF MINDTESS DEPARTMENT
The Fundalini Pages
.l.}z BATTLE OFTHE BTANDS DEPARTMENT
"B"tty*an v Stuporman: Dumb
and Joyless" (A MAD Movie Satire)
20 J^OKE AND.DAGGER DEPARTMENT
)py vs. rpy
1tN1 FROM BAD TO VERSE DEPARTMENT
DonaldTrump vs. The Bible
4,t' t LOW MAN ON THE SCROTUM-POLE DEPARTMENT 26 IN BIOG WE TRUST DEPARTMENT
Vasectomies Through History P1anet Tad!!!!l
28 SHORE TOSERS DEPARTMENT
MAD's Tom Bunk Visits Coney Island
30 A COMPETE DISASTER DEPARTMENT
New Olympic Events That
Americans are Sure to Win
32 AREmD,e WriHcIaTE's, BCI.UivEi lA NWDa Gr RvAYs D.E PARTMENT;H
,4
CaptainAmerica:CivilWar
W_nW.
35 I'tt SEE YOU IN HETMET DEPARTMENT
The Official First Order Stormtrooper
Recruitment Pamphlet
39 PEN AND STINK DEPARTMENT
The MAD Srrip CIub
43 DEPARTM ENr
i"#1{rXJT#t"J-'
$o CRINGE BENEFITS DEPARTMENT
'2 P"rk, of the New $1,049
Disneyland Annual Pass
,6 SERGE-IN GENERAT DEPARTMENT
'+o A MAD Look at Trees
EJ'+ UFC MATCH.COM DEPARTMENT
Dating Tips for Ronda Rousey
rEoE D.I.Y. BOTHER DEPARTI
Thir Week's Home Depot How-To Clinics
O ) AttJAFFEE DEPARTMENT
Y Another Ridiculous Fold-In...Inside Back Cover
I .nfit ,o*u,"At THTNKING DEPARTMENT
ffi "Drawn Out Dramas" by Sergio Aragon6s
COVER ARTIST: MARK FREDRICKSON
-vrg*..Various P1aces Around the Magazine EACK COVEtr PHOTOS: AP PHOTO/DAVID RIgHAED (CIIiITOil}. GETTY IMAGEg,PAI.PH Ff,ESO (TPUMP)
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SUSPENSTORTES
1M9y6 0dsa da,n Bdheen tlgeayv eL *itt"l er. rh"aus rb.ereipn ia# d;-"ffdffii;ltrJdfa;syisnecvee rtahel
years. ago. My dad,s a horror writer, and ,i"." ifr"r" i,
llllig.*"* terrifiring tr,",, uaE il;";;ilced
to mention your sad excuse fo, nhii,m
cboopoyk so fin t_hme yp ashsea mfreolems sT ahett ecmopist ^ut o^t ^tgaget^i ;fr;riei."ne; ";jiu;";n t"k""n. "Hs e" fr e,s a
Alfred
E. Neuman:
Itwas amanwith
the face of Atfred E. Neuman.
tChrea igM eaxdp-emriewnczeidn ea tingle of fear. He had never liked
Chase Simonds . paw pa-, MI mascot. He knew th, fiir, *o,
ygbhFsoieaoinumcdr r ow pynmfelieoetiahn i rlo )oss,igi w hm.- s u eoe Wnrnah ddr.oeecshtahcv a e-l;wtdrh iieiny.tswhe,&. ieeneS v; hvetioaaen;uvt nretesr.o ro _estrolo vric* elraon"s.d n, emristl.ihrdi; tt"e t1' tii.h; lr;ti;arh,floltif#i , wi il;;ro e;:' [i iw,'.;,rsn-;err#i'rr;1eri,i* ;Ir'ir,p_;e,iirX l"riea,!v i .eihlmdilg; istlao"sni: vs: efeb.le i a T'syJo o ftyuhlioral utlL eawttn:aeds.r. EmeIasttrhlu swwapoapatn yosp s seLi emcrdiprtp eteloteeotspu seba.i deb,Fy lhecu oilgmtlmoer t rinotcteounoltinll n. i,wgbn Ch uigoA t a stwpehate s,rl re;bi" ^e*; ho;,;i"n,; id;i,g 'o;thJ;*e;r.; i'mt "f iait'sn'f kr" .oot Ut orar,
Xi?llj;lllll[ild to arr or vou rifth, M;il;;;;',, int htehree :r ioguhrti npgro hoifb oiuuorn Eminemerson - We,re not
;
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TOAOI.FKRAELIDKE yrso au tlriaked etmo akrnkoewd scohmaertahicngte rT-Ralntyd .teyrrrrifiyi;itni;g;?{ iAi'l.frrlelrd. rEio. Nrretuiomna n
::|ll,gT!y y. rhat rur. notsrrot+or-_i,vr'i*'i, or
CorU Danger of Laguna Niguel, experrence a tinglfero poef bankruptcy,,! _Ed. ready to
CA sent in this picture of his
son, Elliott - a lad who could
onlg be described as .,more HIRE I.EARNING
a little
tgAlhh€nsaga newnkrss i,t hfo war elsl hofeaffareitnAru glforr,eeu ddar _ ndeddeso eqpeuppveeee.s,ln,_t mtaIe aejaom.c bIh f.ai nNa rgnoe ywcpoeo,n nsetthi ticicsoao nlllilss.e Isia oeabt 'mo,g1u ru.ata ssmdt kuaeai"nt,iey" h iiaj o"nyrbd;.,; " "ib n .u _.ttJh yaej; - h;ppbirgo? hc"e ss*csrh "ooro"f .lf rimn..da irtnhog,
deeper apologies for their lots tirree qualities:
in life. 1) Loyalty: I have been a MAD subscriber for the last
three years.
2) Always on time: I have paid for your magazine before
my subscription ends.
3) mPaatigeanzcein: eI fhoarv eth ree alads et vtehriye es inygIl"e rp.a g"e of yr o-u*r'..wonderful,,
AThnathnko nyyo up faolrd yinoow . tiBmreis taonlvdi lplele,a sOe hpiout a good word in for mel
youR WOE OF SHOWS cPoanldtiancotseadu rb y- a ypoout,evnet ipaut t eums pinto ay evre r(yi la;w;ik;w;airrd'; ,srit,u,a,t ion. ,lf, rw.e,,re
LMabItRItoaw r Aae oiwalwcmaDtyaeha sneWa1tm ctr2lbllhy-ai oil,t ynsg hraeJoaiIenna aznw g ri"wso na t. lure sdoMa gsn lhdssleit oni htyhlasme o, ano,rreut vdefhw rau a reI,mn.ilw hy.lnfOtaa i yingLvHtr aehdarpz o J_aUint_ rn_et*" s",rhyc" lra h_ri",m;r""o;;"e;Jii *"f lriof;.'rri)i.onrg"i . ""d,w iiriofhfrr-Afe,iii yAr'moAerDt-,X rl a Rads ,tfaih"nycVyrec m"her .ut Lo, rI,onar vsvw.dsi rer,harusst shr sw tRrb soaaaresownyv tmdeoihn noehts.nria,dsd. 2y1hth)ho)a o seCtuvDwhu eraote b rnmec aus'lsot acot vnhmrswse'i.tttpprT aytAotlHiiee otbnd RatnvtdeiorEif ,nlo_f eyEe uwin nfrYusrd aeo nEsrsnmfilhA asttei!h ruR Iea mtlmS t -ssaiosIso.!bfet! ralsleteksd yem ys -oe i ru_nf tp s""aehryieamtsms; ;f)bor,; e;irw; ,ehf#neii s,;fra ;e;m :.M 'O'af.Agfu,Diafl;yfz ilisi6dnsu6eeb.u s nbdcdHer ,iefbo treoerwre tae fehroeiilsr
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REMEMBERING
tENt{Y BRENNER, tg32-2o16
The MAD familg experienced a loss on April 9 when longtime
MAD staff member Lennu ,,The Beard" Brenner passed awag.
He joined MAD's art department in lgEB and retired as art
director in 1995. During those Uears there wasn,t an issue of
MAD that Lennu wasn,t involved in - from designing pages, to
laging out tupe, to wrapping the artwork to send to the printer.
Most readers will recognize Lennu from his..modeling,, in the
magazine. Our thoughts and condolences go out to Lennu,s
children, grandchildren and familg. please check out our
special tribute to Lennu in this issue's ,,MAD Vault" on page 45.
TETTER RIP!
I've been reading your m agazine for armost 3 years now and I was wondering how do
you choose whose letters to print? Do you pici< them out of a hat? Do yo., ,""d them all?
Do you shred them all, then whoever on the staff can put them back together first geis
to choose which ones to put in the issue? Either way, f enjoy reading yoirr magazine.
Thomas Alemu . Fullerton, CA
Remember the Alemu - pick them out of a hat? who we_ars a hat these days? Baseball players?
Hipster douche-bombs? people with money to pur aside for a -hat brdg;t,?i N;, it,s far simpler
wthea ng ethta st.o mwrreer rtryevpapilrc Ldaqollrypy e Jjyuu s)otr n pperisLc,Kk s troh, eey ouduuu mmcaobnee ssbrie trle ett.hi.eearrsts ifww wee ecc'aarenn tfprinnriddn t--i n gtthh ieet, dditui mrmebbaeetrri yrth e- bettaer ! .(
represents the lowest depths of human stupidityr rhanks for writingi -ru.
MAD BTURBS
John Favreau is a successful director, and his most recent movie,The rungle Book was a huge
hit. so it makes zero sense when he sags MAD was in ong wag an infrueice...
lr l f+E
jI fhe margine were Full oF detail. I wanted to have I\ @t;*@#
something going on in every corner oF the Frame, ;# 1
Wateeverywhere. __J/ '
lEeu#ff
INTO THIN ERR
I have enclosed a picture of me at Everest Base camp
holding a copy of MAD. While trekking to Everest
Base Camp, I noticed something ve ry oaa. The higher
the altitude, the funnier the magazine becamel Bf the
time I got to base camp, I was laughing hysterically
and thorrght MAD was the best -1g"rirr" ever! I excit_
edly called my wife on a satellite phone and told her to
renew,my subscription immediately. Alas, when I re-
turned to sea level, I discovered that MAD was no lon_
ger funny. I finally realized that the lack of oxygen to
my brain at the high altitude was the reason I'tiought
MAD was funny. Since I don't live in the mountains,
can I cancel my subscription and get a refund?
Bill Sullivan. Williamsville, Ny
Sulli-Van Wilder -Ah, Everest! Not many people know thiq
but about 50% of our subscriptions are t-he reiult of someone
not getting enough oxygen to the brain - so we,re quite
familiar with "The Everest Effect,,l That ol, pile of rocis has
been VERY good to us over the years! We wish we could give
you a refund, but given the rambling, childlike tone of your letteri your brain is clearly still working
in very diminished capacity (ever for a MAD reader). That cancellaiion would never hold up in court.
Maybe you can get a sherpa to help explain the jokes to you! Feel better and enjoy your subr
-Ed.
Letters and
CORRECTIONS
We make mistakes. A lot of them. We're not happg about them,
Tomatoe$
and we're not happu to be writing about them (because, let's
face it, we'll probablg make more mistakes truing to correct the
original mistakes). But correct them we must. Which is whg
NETFLIX AND SHRILL we have to report that MAD #539 accidentallg included an
installment of "The Darker side of...The Lighter Side of" that had
I was disappointed you went with the name "Rank Underhand" previouslg appeared in MAD #527. Additionallg, for'A MAD
for your House of Cards spoof instead of the obviously more funny Look at Man Caves," Tom Luth should have been credited as
"Dank Underwear." Please try harder in the future. the colorist. We also mistakenlg reported that John Caldwell
Ryan Magnon . Redondo Beach, CA passed awau on Februarg 26, when in fact it was Februaru 21.
We apologize for the errors.
P.S. I know that issue came out over four months ago, but my sub-
scription lapsed and now I'm forced to actually read your magazine
instead of just look at the pictures. FOttOW MAD ONLINE!
Filet Magnon - There are certain things that keep us up at night (for example, Looking for a wau to waste time AND open gourself up to public
we live on a busy trucking route, beneath a bowling alley). But we can't sit ridicule? You're in luck! You can do both simplg bg liking us on
around all day playing "Coulda Shoulda Woulda" (a Parker Bros. game Facebook and following us on Tumblr and Twitter! lt's a perfect
from the early 80s that, sadly, has long been out of print). Where were we? plan! (Except for the ridicule - but that's Uour problem, not ours!)
Oh, right - regrets. We regret reading your letter - the time
we wasted is gone and lost forever. But that's life for you -
sometimes it's the mistakes that teach us the most. -Ed.
P.S. We just realized that instead of "Filet Magnon" we should
have gone with the obviously more funny "Magnon, P.1."
Damnit! This just isn't our year.. .
READER ATERT
w
lf gou had gour letter printed in this issue, hooooooo
bog are Uou ever one luckg possum! You'll be getting rcffi
$$
wWE: loo Credtest Motches, courtesu of our pals
at DK; Poper Sumo AND Funng!: Twentg-Five Yedrs
ol Loughter from the Pixdr Story Room from our
buds at Chronicle Books; Hrp Hop Familg Tree,
Book 4, from our chums at Fantagraphics; Sfor
Wdrs Cqlqxg: The originol Topps Troding Cord
Series AND stor wdrs: The Empire Strikes Back E=
The originol Topps Troding Card Series, courtesu
of our amigos at Abrams comicArts and Lucasfilm:
and a DVD of Montg Pgthon Live (Mostlg): One
Down, Five fo co from our homies at Eagle Rock
Entertainment! What are gou waiting for? Write us a
letter and get the goods!
#t4l gth!
tttAD is on sale August
William M. Gaines Founder ADMINISTRATION FOR SUBSCRIPTION INQUIRIES:
John Ficarra SeniorVP & Executive Editor Diane Nelson President Jay Kogan VP - Legal Affairs wJursitte c atoll P1 -o8.0 B0-o4xN 845A3D7l\,4 ABGig s(laJ.nSd. ya, nTdX C7a5n7a5d5a- 8o5n3ly7)! or
Dan DiDio and Jim Lee Co-Publishers Derek Maddalena seniorVP - sales & Please D0 NoT phone, write, fax or e-mail our NewYork
JCDEahaDcavoIerTbl ieO CL rRaKomaIaAdbttLaeour t, E AJdositesoo rRciaatioe laE dSiteonrior Editors AGGSNamleaomoibirt fia Af GDl dJFeaoershasrad nniVics nhPS eiC es-rehn iiSDeolVefri VgnaCPiinotra areVlg-a eP MtimMv ae-ear nkrOFkteieftnfitinacinngegcre & TJDBNaruaiaccsndkkine Me MNDsiasaer ohvpDaenoeln olviV pteaVPmloPn e-p on -m St eVaBnPluet ss-in PeMslasa nnnAuinfffaga cirt&suring oAHMNflOYfAli c WlUe1e 0t t0-TeD1 Ore s9p wR.tt .oe E05 'Arrt4 ehCe0 eH-,t om e1o Uda3 5ii2dtl :o5uur ms A abvan etdt nol eua tehtce ecrolospfm@ typhmoaeuan Adyhimmnegaree gr!aipczhainot eto,Ncsoe mwor l Yoothrket
Administration
ASRyRaamTn VFDlaiEvnPidaeAnrRso T AVMsPsEo -cN iaATter tA &rt DDierescitgonr JARDLoaneohwnpnnoe r ert tCaniDnluclgeenePn titeiiGns gV ahPVn aPe-m m -M SaVVntPPrua f--tae cgCEtyuod rniiPnttoeglarn inat noliSpnetgrra at&teiognys CEDCPudaioqbdruioltiiarecl til nt RySSe ocay&eale d nSsceniomremYlmlP moV unP-n s -i Mc Sala\et4rinoakisneosstr lVAnPgc co-unt & pmMabceuAac btrDoeleim crtwiuapartealinsolnce niomed md ai oneyr s b ab ayne crya ek e anfsdodoeiretwlmefr- ldaaesd tdua dbganrmeendsdd issp ,s ewuhidoboi,nll wilss sehn. tveoaMedtm r a,bp nieneuu dnrsa elcentersuyinps rvtn Msete hAlodeDwp.yei l!al rneot
Contributing Artists And Writers AAdlismoinni sGtraillt ioSne n&io TrVaPle n-t Rl\e4laantiuofnascturing & .s,pime c(iSalktyi) &S oNkeowlsoswtasnkdi VSPa le-s comic Book MFoAr DA ddvoeertsisni'nt gre aadn df aCxuesdto smu bmPuisbsliisohnisn!g,
0perations
The Usual Gang of ldiots SHtarantke gKy a&n aAlzd mSiennisiotrrVatPio n- Editorial SFraanndcyhYisie VMPa n- aSgeenmioerVntP - Global cVotSntIaTc Ut 5dc OcoNmTicINsaEd!v [email protected]
sArc**
asp oru ulE $TUPIDIrT'TIIE
WEBffi;,UCKY
EIIISUGH
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MIN BOOBS
EXP()SED
ffilH}i}iffiii;
Badc issues otnfiRo are be[ng
added ro our ipad epp ui*Uiii&ekr
Dournload the
MAD ipad App in itre ituneJApp
store!
{ Dirrr"r with the family: scored g1 pieces of meatloaf,
but needs to work on passing the potatoes
$ Heading down to the.,r.esltrir.ekm ent community center to show
those iosers who the ivt"miJ; *
"iUl"J"
It's difficult to get to the
retn9erator because of the
meth lab in the kitchen.
The toewrmneerd.i sa w,,chaat tl oisv epr.o,.litely noNt omt aodnely, itis,s t hoecc buepdied
trjr:teii Feft*y !{eil Art!sti j*se GariLat,:}i by the homeowner.
lrJriter: riIike M0rse A*i$t: John i4art?
WHEN GITY
REGYGTING
TRASH BINS
GO TOO FA
PAGES
Gimme a Flake Th"9. gjgrtling Similarities and Differences Between
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Featured bursts of pointless, unprovoked violence.........
O O
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Was sixtg minutes of tight, coherent storgtelling.
g
o
a. Jag Z loved it......
.i' George R.R. Martin couldn,t make heads ortails of the damn thing...@ €
" f L,u,i w*r ,rhen t 54t o* )?vr sho.rlderr = Had people scrambling to join Tidal.... o o
q^J mals yo" *r*kg letribk- life. Je.isi o^s.,, i, Breasts were prominentlg displaged
@ €
l'!r!trr iilij Aftir:t liJ:1;i! :hiri Offered a sillg, cartoon vision of revenge......... € @
${an Wsrrs F3amet or
Srescrfiptfloxa Ameidepressamt?
1-) Serzone 5) Paroxetine 9) Fluoxetine
2) Devaron 6) Dathomir
3.S) Concord Dawn
3) Effexor 7) Celexa
4) Felucia 8) Iridonia
:i,;i!., ::-..i1., #,=..;:: ti .,iff,Sj,\: \,,. ; ffit M
slaueld a:e paraqun=u 4uqa,l.a, l, sluessatdaprlue are paleq"uj rnu _ppO :SEgrliSNV
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-
-: spirit
Five _**__ smelrs r-ike Katzenstein
The Fast
ruffi'ffi,,.,,',,
$ Got his legal start writing for Night Courtback in the eighties'
ffi Has recused himself from the ongoing Drake vs' Meek Mill debate'
ffi Oft.r, uses a human embryo in a jat as a gavel' worrying both sides
of the abortion issue'
*ffi , H", *on praise ftom both Republicans and Democrats - which makes
ffi ilnilrG.i"", r",r-,e eyes of both Republicans and Democrats.
th1|11et]51lt-?::r.lffi::,,,
ffi Issued a highly controversial ruling justdogs'"
ilL*rii,l':?"i;:;;i.;;i;;'..'"?.'i"g.t".,"Iiev,thev're
-TqrTan'
"ff not gou, Jane' {t me,
!'Jriter and Artist: Ja:ss Adam !fut?eBstein
z How lusrlN- BIEFFR
cELdB[Arro-Hlg 22ND
*
rt BIRTHDAY
tfr
3 *"n,,n= ou, rn" u't too' "t n""""
Unwrapping presents given to him bg his
ts squad of sgcophants and hangers-on
G-"e tting a new tattoo that shows his growing maturitu:
penguin smoking a joint on a hoverboard
Unabridged Figt*- "rrioon
That Telt fu r,ike Et Es
WEIGHT
LIMIT
10
TONS
{THOUGH II'S DOUBTrFfUiLI
ir cm rvru HoLo
MUCH SII{CE I'IE HAIIEII'I
HAO THE TUill}S IO
REPAIR II SINCE I997)
NEIGHBORHOOD
CRIME WATCH
"W'
Treating himself to a no-holds-barred
Tr-u ins not to think about how depressing it
is-that he peaked five birthdags ago
WE ARE III'ATCHING
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Artist:5'i:n
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