Table Of Content“An insightful and important book.”—Andrew Solomon
National Book Award–winning author of The Noonday Demon
$16.95 US
Award-winning journalist Anna Mehler Paperny’s
stunning memoir chronicles with courageous
honesty and uncommon eloquence her experi-
ence of depression and her quest to explore what
we know and don’t know about this disease that
affects approximately seventeen million adults in
the US in any given year—providing an invaluable
guide to a system struggling to find solutions. As
fascinating as it is heartrending, as outrageously
funny as it is serious, it is a must-read for any-
one impacted by depression—and that’s pretty
much everybody.
Depression is a havoc-wreaking illness that mas-
querades as personal failing and hijacks your life.
After a major suicide attempt in her early twenties,
Anna Mehler Paperny resolved to put her report-
er’s skills to use to get to know her enemy, setting
off on a journey to understand her condition, the
dizzying array of medical treatments on offer, and a
medical profession in search of answers. Charting
the way depression wrecks so many lives, she
maps competing schools of therapy, pharmacology,
cutting-edge medicine, the pill-popping pitfalls of
long-term treatment, the glaring unknowns and the
institutional shortcomings that both patients and
practitioners are up against. She interviews leading
medical experts across the US and Canada, from
psychiatrists to neurologists, brain-mapping pio-
neers to family practitioners, and others dabbling
in strange hypotheses—and shares compassionate
conversations with fellow sufferers.
Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me tracks Anna’s
quest for knowledge and her desire to get well. Im-
peccably reported, it is a profoundly compelling
story about the human spirit and the myriad ways
we treat (and fail to treat) the disease that accounts
for more years swallowed up by disability than any
other in the world.
Acclaim for
Finalist for the
2019 Hilary Weston Writers’ Trust Prize For Nonfiction
“A must-read for those who want to understand what goes on in the
heads of those who take their own lives each year (800,000 annually
worldwide), and the multiples more who, like the author, come
perilously close. Ms. Mehler Paperny does a masterful job of delving
into the complexities of living with depression.”
—André Picard, The Globe and Mail
“In this courageous and honest book, Anna Mehler Paperny plumbs
the depths of her own acute depression, and also investigates the
cultural, social, and historical discourse around despair. She writes
with a stunning fluency that belies the narrative’s underlying pain.
This is an insightful and important book.”
—Andrew Solomon, author of National Book Award–winning
The Noonday Demon
“This is such an important book. . . . Paperny writes with urgency and
intensity because she’s tapping into an essential truth: everyone
deserves dignified mental healthcare, but systemic injustices create
huge discrepancies in how people are treated. I learned so much from
this engaging, well-researched, courageous book. It belongs in the
canon of ‘must-reads’ to understand mental health treatment today.”
—Mark Lukach, author of My Lovely Wife in the Psych Ward
“Journalist Mehler Paperny offers a startling and intimate portrait of her
multiple attempts at suicide and digs into the disturbingly inadequate
‘toolbox’ available to individuals suffering from acute depression. . . .
This earnest and informative volume serves as a frank guide for those
dealing with depression.”—Publishers Weekly, starred review
“Well-researched, engaging, and highly readable. . . . An eye-opening
and humane book treatment of a difficult subject.”—Kirkus Reviews
“It’s hard to imagine any group of people who wouldn’t benefit in some
way from reading this book. Those who have been through the system
will have a chance to feel less alone in their experiences, and those who
haven’t will gain necessary insight into what it’s like.”—Quill & Quire
“The world needs more Anna Mehler Papernys, not fewer. Brave,
compassionate, insightful, and wincingly self-aware. Ready to challenge
convention, hold feet to the fire, to ‘punch in the face with words,’ as she
puts it in her book. . . . Anna has announced herself as one of the most
tenaciously curious working journalists, working minds, that we have.”
—Ian Gill, The Tyee
“Anna Mehler Paperny illuminates the dark corners of suicide and
depression with wit and tenacity. Both an extraordinary work of
journalism and a poignant, harrowing (and occasionally funny)
memoir. Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me is fearless and necessary.”
—Don Gillmor, author of To the River: Losing My Brother
“Compelling. . . . This is a very good book. People coping with
depression will find it supportive as well as entertaining (Anna has a
great sense of humor). I also think it will help educate the public.”
—Dr. Marcia Valenstein, MD, MSc, psychiatrist, University of
Michigan Hospitals, and Veterans Affairs Ann Arbor
Healthcare System
“A remarkable book . . . I am just so impressed by Anna’s honesty and
rigor, her courage, her thorough research, her insight, her wisdom and
her sense of humor. I hugely admire what she has achieved. I am sure it
will be a great help to many people, and I have come away with new
understanding after reading her book.”
—Dr. Irfan Dhalla, MD, MSc, vice president, Health Quality
Ontario, St. Michael’s Hospital
“Anna’s the best journalist I know. Her story about the mental
health care system as seen through her own experiences is an act of
monumental bravery. This is a book that will save lives.”
—Omar El Akkad, author of American War, on Twitter
“Clear-eyed without being dispassionate, this book has so much to
offer even the most well-versed in mental health issues. Anna Mehler
Paperny goes far deeper than the surface conversations we usually
have about depression, giving us the unvarnished reality of what it
means to live with the feeling you want to die. Brave and brilliantly
researched, this powerful book is poised to create real change, and is
an absolute must-read for those who have had their lives touched by
depression—which is everyone.”
—Stacey May Fowles, author of Be Good and Baseball Life Advice
NEW YORK
Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me: Depression in the First Person
Copyright © 2019, 2020 by Anna Mehler Paperny
Originally published in Canada by Random House Canada, an imprint of Penguin
Random House, in 2019. First published in the United States in revised form by The
Experiment, LLC, in 2020. Published by arrangement with Random House Canada,
a division of Penguin Random House Canada Limited.
All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio,
television, or online reviews, no portion of this book may be reproduced, distributed,
or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including
photocopying, recording, or information storage or retrieval system, without the
prior written permission of the publisher.
The Experiment, LLC
220 East 23rd Street, Suite 600
New York, NY 10010-4658
theexperimentpublishing.com
This book contains the opinions and ideas of its author. It is intended to provide
helpful and informative material on the subjects addressed in the book. It is sold with
the understanding that the author and publisher are not engaged in rendering
medical, health, or any other kind of personal professional services in the book. The
author and publisher specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or
risk—personal or otherwise—that is incurred as a consequence, directly or
indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this book.
THE EXPERIMENT and its colophon are registered trademarks of The Experiment,
LLC. Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their
products are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book
and The Experiment was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been
capitalized.
The Experiment’s books are available at special discounts when purchased in bulk for
premiums and sales promotions as well as for fund-raising or educational use. For
details, contact us at [email protected].
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available upon request
ISBN 978-1-61519-492-6
Ebook ISBN 978-1-61519-673-9
Cover design and hand lettering by Jennifer Griffiths
Text design by Jennifer Griffiths
Author photograph by Derek O’Donnell
Manufactured in the United States of America
First printing March 2020
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
for Dr. Silveira
I myself am hell;
nobody’s here—
—Robert Lowell
