Table Of ContentHealing the Hurt : Rebuilding Relationships With
title: Your Children : a Self-help Guide for Parents in
Recovery
author: Jesse, Rosalie Cruise.
publisher: Hazelden Publishing
isbn10 | asin: 0935908544
print isbn13: 9780935908541
ebook isbn13: 9780585113555
language: English
Children of alcoholics--Psychology, Children of
narcotic addicts--Psychology, Alcoholics--Family
subject
relationships, Narcotic addicts--Family relationships,
Parent and child.
publication date: 1990
lcc: HV5132.J47 1990eb
ddc: 362.29/13
Children of alcoholics--Psychology, Children of
narcotic addicts--Psychology, Alcoholics--Family
subject:
relationships, Narcotic addicts--Family relationships,
Parent and child.
Page iii
Healing the Hurt
Rebuilding Relationships with Your Children
A Self-Help Guide For Parents in Recovery
Rosalie Cruise Jesse, Ph.D.
Johnson Institute
Hazelden
Page iv
Copyright © 1990 Hazelden Foundation. Previously published 1990 by the Johnson
Institute. First published 1998 by Hazelden. All rights reserved. No part of this book may
be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical,
including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system
without express permission in writing from the publisher.
Hazelden
15251 Pleasant Valley Rd.
Center City, MN 55012
651-213-4000
800-328-9000
www.hazelden.org
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Jesse, Rosalie Cruise.
Healing the Hurt: Rebuilding Relationships with your Children
A Self-Help Guide for Parents in Recovery
Includes bibliographical references.
1. Children of alcoholics-Psychology. 2. Children of narcotic
addicts-Psychology. 3. Alcoholics-Family relationships.
4. Narcotic addicts-Family relationships. 5. Parent and child.
I. Title.
HV5132.J471990 362.29' 13-dc20 90-42834 CIP
ISBN 0-935908-54-4
Page v
DEDICATION
This book is dedicated to Dr. Vernon E. Johnson, founder of the
Johnson Institute, a name that has become synonymous with the
family treatment of chemical dependence.
Thanks to Dr. Johnson and his emphasis on early intervention and
aftercare, recovering parents have a much greater chance of healing
the hurt of their children.
Page vii
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
My special thanks to Carole Remboldt of the Johnson Institute for having thought about
this book for as many years as I have wanted to write it, for knowing that the time had
come for the book to be written, and for selecting me as its author.
Loving appreciation is also extended to Carol Carson, my longtime and very dear friend,
who is a wonderful source of encouragement for my writing. She reads my books and
tells me that she learns from them just when I most need to hear that!
Finally, to Roger Purnelle, my husband, who shares my journey and heals my hurt and
from whom I have learned the gentle art of rebuilding relationships: Merci beaucoup
pour qui tu es.
Page ix
CONTENTS
Introduction 1
About the Author 3
Editor's Note 4
PART I
Chapter 1
5
The Hurt That Blinds
Chapter 2
15
Messages of Hurt
Chapter 3
29
The Hurt That Binds
Chapter 4
41
The Hurt Beyond the Role
Chapter 5
59
Learning to See Your Child
Chapter 6
75
Who Will Heal Their Hurt?
Chapter 7
89
Legacy of Hurt
PART II
Chapter 8
103
The Stage of Family Life Called Recovery
Chapter 9
109
Healing the HurtACT I
Chapter 10
127
Healing the HurtACT II
Chapter 11
149
Healing the HurtACT III
Chapter 12
Finale 171
Chapter 13
185
Epilogue
Suggested Readings 197
References 198
Index 199
Page 1
INTRODUCTION
Recovery from chemical dependence and co-dependence can be a rewarding journey. I
am exuberant when a parent begins the most difficult but exciting adventure of laying
aside chemicals and starts to face life squarely. The respect I have for the parent in
recovery continues to grow. As I see more and more adults trying to make life better for
their children than it was for themthrough the process of recoveryI want to applaud. I
know that the family has begun a new course. This new direction will lead to a better way
of life not only for parents and their children but also for our world.
I've never known a time when I wasn't involved in some way with families in recovery. I
grew up in one. My earliest work in the mental health field was dedicated to helping
children of chemically dependent parents. I've since learned that it's important to help the
parent help the child. Today, as a clinical psychologist, one of the first questions parents
ask me when I begin to work with them is "How can you teach us about parenting unless
you've done it yourself?" This is a fair question, and I understand the basis for it. Unless
one has lived with the day-to-day frustrations and sometimes bewildering experiences of
being a parent, one is prone to come across with a rather lofty, ivory-tower approach to
child rearing. So let me respond to these concerns: "Yes, I am a parent, and I have
traveled the same path that you are travelingall the way from the crib of my child to
rebuilding a relationship during adulthood. I have learned from my successes, but I have
learned more from my mistakes."
Some of my most important learning has been from the children in recovery with whom
I've worked over the past twenty years. These children, together with their recovering
parents, have been my teachers; they have helped shape many of the important ideas that
I'll be sharing in this book.
This book stresses the need for younger children to become involved in a process of
healing during their parents' recovery from chemical dependence. The book offers help
on how to heal the hurt that may have been inflicted on the child. Most of the ideas are
Page 2
applicable to rebuilding relationships with teenagers and young adults as well.
Don't look for specific "cures" for the kinds of child-rearing problems that occur daily.
These problems certainly frustrate and confuse parents in recovery. But I encourage you
to seek outside assistance, if necessary, at the time problems occur.
The first part of the book describes how chemical dependence harms relationships
between parents and their children. This is directed primarily to recovering chemically
dependent parents and codependents, but the concepts also apply equally to parents who
are recovering from other forms of addictive disorders (food addiction, gambling or
sexual addictions, physical or sexual abuse) and to parents who are adult children of
alcoholics. In the second part of the book, the principles and guidelines for rebuilding
relationships are important for all recovering parents and their children.
The important idea behind this book is that the influence of addictive behaviors in a
familyeven generations removedcan affect children. As we commence this part of the
journey, I want to extend my congratulations and offer my support in the pages ahead.
Rebuilding a relationship with your child can be difficult, challenging, but eternally
rewarding!
Page 3
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Rosalie Cruise Jesse, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice. She is the
Director of the Alvarado Center for Counseling and Psychology in San Diego, California.
Her pioneering work with children inspires us to see as absolutely essential the healing of
the parent-child relationship during recovery.
