Healing Conversations: What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say

351 Pages·2002·1.12 MB·English

by  Nance Guilmartin

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Healing
Conversations
What to Say
When You Don’t Know What to Say
Nance Guilmartin
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Praise for Healing Conversations
“Although understanding how to comfort someone often only comes with living
through difficult times, Nance’s book helps you get started . . . taking those first
steps toward helping someone in distress.” Niki Tsongas,
wife of the late U.S. Senator, Paul Tsongas
“After years of working with people in pain, I have heard too many ‘unhealing’ con-
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versations. It’s time for us to learn that one word of kindness to someone in pain
can begin their recovery. This book teaches us how to pause long enough to listen
into the silence of another’s pain and to facilitate the body’s potential to heal itself.”
James Waslaski, past chair,
American Massage Therapy National Sports Massage Education Council
“In coaching managers to have difficult conversations, and having many of them
myself, I realize that our fear in having that tough talk is actually worse than the
conversation itself. [These] stories remove some of the stumbling blocks and once
read, are transformed into personal courage.”
Gwendy Longyear-Hayden, director,
Human Capital Solutions, Resources Connection
“Your book will help clergy like myself to be more attuned to what people in trou-
ble are saying. It is a great teaching tool for me and for my colleagues.”
Reverend Aram Marashlian, Secretary,
Massachusetts’ Firefighters Chaplains Association
“Practical, friendly, and thoughtful guide for communication at home, school, and
the workplace when confronting the challenge of healing broken relationships.”
Badi G. Foster, president,
Phelps-Stokes Fund,former director of Tufts University’s
Lincoln Filene Center for Citizenship and Public Affairs
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Healing
Conversations
What to Say
When You Don’t Know What to Say
Nance Guilmartin
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Published by
Copyright © 2002 by Nance Guilmartin.
Jossey-Bass is a registered trademark of John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
In some instances, names and circumstances in the stories have been changed to protect privacy.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any
means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under
Sections 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the
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This title is also available in print as ISBN 0-7879-6019-5.
Some content that may appear in the print version of this book may not be available in this electronic edition.
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An Invitation to Healing Conversations xv
Getting Started xix
Supporting others without fixing, rescuing, or judging
1 When You Need a Friend 3
Please, Don’t Ask Me How I Am, Unless . . .
Beginning a healing conversation 4
Using the Rule of Six Asking for help 8
Just Listen After a sudden loss 13
Rediscovering Empathy What comforts you may not
comfort someone else 16
It’ll Be OK, Sugarplum Being a light at the end of the tunnel 20
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Mommy, Will He Be OK? Helping children face
their fears and yours 22
Asking One Friend to Help Another When you don’t have
the answers 27
Unexpected Gifts Accepting help from a stranger 32
Before and After the Move Emotional attics and new road maps 35
It’s Not What You Think The hidden hurts of bankruptcy 40
Who Am I If I’m Not Who I Was? After a life-changing event 45
It’s Over A relationship ends 49
Reflection: Tuning Out of Your Head,
Tuning In to Your Heart 53
Health Matters 57
Test Results Getting the news or waiting to hear 58
Peaceful Warrior When you want to help deal with a diagnosis 63
Facing Surgery Before, during, and after 68
Just How Do You Ask for Help? Making your own wish list 72
Paciencia Recovering from depression 75
Is the Doctor In? Making the most of your time
as a patient or as a doctor 80
What’s the Difference Between a Cure and Healing?
Living with chronic pain 84
What About Me? Supporting the caregiver 89
Second Sight When a disability becomes an ability 92
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