Heal Your Sexual Abuse – Heal Your Life - Smashwords

125 Pages·2010·0.41 MB·English

by  Jason Goodwin

Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life
By Jason Goodwin M.Ed.
For Meghan, whose death explained the need.
(To order hard copies of this book,
please visit
www.thehealingplacestore.com.)
(Please direct questions and comments to:
[email protected].)
Published by Jason Goodwin M.Ed. at Smashwords
Copyright 2010, Jason Goodwin M.Ed.
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold
or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person,
please purchase an additional copy for each person. If you’re reading this book and did
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of this author.
Praise for Jason Goodwin M.Ed.
"With you, it feels like the emphasis is on figuring yourself out.
It feels productive." - David V.
"The one-on-one's with you help the most. You're great at breaking things
down to a grade-school level." - Greg J.
"I admire that you're willing to work through your problems and life
situations." - John Q.
"You help me figure things out more. Every time we talk, it's an
inspiration." - Josh H.
"This program has given me my life back." - Ben S.
"I think Jason is really sincere, and I believe he has my best interests
in mind." - Craig W.
"These one-on-one's have helped me the most." - Walter B.
"I really like you. You're easy to talk to." - Tim E.
"I got some insight from Jason about the victim mentality that I've been
in for many years." - Ryan H.
"You seem like the kind of person who really likes to help
people. You're the only person I know who has that strong,
moral compass. I want to be more like you!" - Chris B.
"I wish my sessions with Jason were longer, because an hour just flies
by." - Jarret T.
"Thank you for making me feel comfortable. You have a really calming
energy about you." - Sharon Z.
"You've been a breath of fresh air with how much you care about your clients
and your organizational skills." - Joe B.
"I've heard from everyone that you're a really good counselor."
- Lynn M.
"You're an awesome counselor. That's why you're the first person
I called." - Phillip L.
"I'm just really impressed with Jason. He really knows what he's
talking about." - David M.
"I've heard alot of good things about you." - Lauri P.
"I brag about you alot." - Heather F.
"I picked you because you're focused. I can hear you thinking. I
think you'll be good for my recovery." - Robert C.
"At first you hate going to groups and by the end you love
going." - Anthony S.
"I need to tell Jason what a great group session he runs."
- Lewis S.
"I would change my school hours around to go to Jason's group."
- Mike R.
"I feel so much better when I get out of this class. This class
is the high point of my week." - John F.
"Keep up the good work, Jason!" - Kevin K.
"I just want to say, thank you Jason." - Jerry S.
"I would like to say that Jason Goodwin has been so instrumental
in my progress. He is the only counselor that I was able to open
up to and be 100% honest with. He has the uncanny ability to make
you see who you really are without coming in with an agenda to
distort who is at fault for all the poor choices we make as people.
I am forever in his debt." - Dan T.
Table of Contents
1. Hope
2. Goals
3. Healing Techniques
4. Chemical Addiction
5. Sexual Addiction
6. Healing Sexual Addiction
7. Dealing With Pain
8. Relapse
9. Self-Sabotage
10. Body Image
11. Beyond Shame & Guilt
12. Depression
13. Grieving
14. The Inner Child
15. Deserving Love
16. Low Self-Esteem
17. High Self-Esteem
18. Powerlessness
19. Fear
20. Control
21. Anger
22. Betrayal
23. Trust
24. Forgiving
25. Values
26. Self-Care
27. Unhealthy Relationships
28. Respect in Relationships
29. Healthy Relationships
30. Staying Healthy
Introduction
Sexual abuse means being forced to give or receive unwanted or inappropriate
sexual touching, petting, fondling, oral sex, or intercourse. Sexual abuse happens to
people of all ages, including children, adolescents, teenagers, adults, and the elderly. It
occurs within every socioeconomic class and every religious group.
Some perpetrators of sexual abuse have a known criminal history. Others serve
our country in public office. Perpetrators of sexual abuse have included men and women
working in the noblest of professions.
Doctors, dentists, lawyers, alcoholics, addicts, neighbors, friends, girlfriends and
boyfriends, husbands and wives, parents, distant relatives, siblings, priests, janitors,
teachers, movie-producers, politicians, and total strangers. There is no such thing as a
stereotypical abuser in terms of profession, socioeconomic class, standing in the
community, relation to the survivor, religious affiliation, or sexual orientation.
Sexual abuse often continues to affect our lives and relationships long after the
abuse has ended. Being sexually abused is always painful, always destructive to our self-
esteem, and often difficult to heal.
If you are reading this book, you may understand the gravity of this issue. For
many of us, healing the pain of sexual abuse is a matter of life and death.
I am an addictions therapist with a Master’s Degree in Counseling and Human
Services. I have worked with addicts in the criminal justice system, as well as DUI and
Drug-Court offenders. I counsel teenagers and adults who are survivors of sexual abuse.
But my most important qualification in writing this book is that I was sexually
abused myself. For this reason, I understand these issues on a very personal level. My
own abuse has contributed to the format of this book in some important ways. I have
written the main body of each chapter from the perspective of a counselor in recovery.
At the end of each chapter, I include journal entries from when I was personally working
to heal each issue.
There is a place to process whatever feelings come up for you and write about
your own experiences. Most chapters end with exercises and a section called “stepping
stones to health.” This last section is designed to help you identify how far you have
come with the issues discussed in each chapter and assist you in determining which step
or steps you may need to take in order to become healthy.
I have also included a “feelings table of contents.” This section matches thoughts
and feelings commonly experienced by survivors of sexual abuse with the chapters where
those issues are addressed. Use the “feelings table of contents” if you find yourself
experiencing some difficult emotions and want to turn directly to the chapters that may
help you most in your time of need.
Throughout the book, I use the term “we” when referring to our collective
experiences as survivors of sexual abuse, but that does not mean I have personally
experienced every issue I discuss. Everyone’s story is different. I have intentionally left
out the details of my own abuse to help you remain focused on your own issues and your
personal healing process. I would like the reader to know that my parents have been very
supportive of me throughout my healing journey.
Please make this book your own. Write in the margins, make notes to yourself,
and personalize it as much as you like. Re-do the exercises and re-read each section as
often as you need to. Continue to work towards healing, whether that takes a year or a
lifetime. Agree with me, disagree with me, but get involved and do the healing work. I
hope this book will help you identify whatever issues you still struggle with. I hope you
will make a commitment to overcoming them. After all, this work is for you.
Throughout this book, I make occasional references to God. It is not my intention
to alienate agnostics or atheists, and you do not have to believe in God to complete the
exercises. It is my deepest hope that you will use whatever information you find to be a
source of strength. Discard anything that does not fit for you.
I urge you to take responsibility for your own healing process. You will likely
identify with many of the issues presented in this book. Others will seem unfamiliar to
you. Your healing process is your own. No two survivors are exactly alike. In the realm
of sexual addiction, for instance, I believe that men are more likely to view pornography,
while women are more likely to engage in prostitution.
It is not my purpose to condemn the perpetrators of sexual abuse. Most
perpetrators are survivors themselves. They experienced the same, intense feelings of
powerlessness, shame, and anger that we did. Unfortunately, they chose to repeat the
cycle of abuse.
To break this cycle, we need to heal ourselves and take ownership of our pain.
We must vow to never pass this pain on to others.
You may be wondering, “Am I ready to look at these issues? Am I ready to face
this?”
I can tell you that I never felt ready to face the pain of sexual abuse. I chose to
work on myself because I was tired of moving from one unhealthy relationship to the
next. I was tired of feeling lonely and miserable. I was tired of being stuck. For most of
my life, I believed that I would never be able to heal the pain of my past.
I have attempted to address the issues most commonly experienced by survivors
of sexual abuse in order of ascending difficulty. The first three chapters focus on how to
approach this healing process. Chapter four begins the “real work.” I hope you will
move into the more painful subjects slowly and carefully. It is important to address those
deeper issues with plenty of support from counselors, family, friends, and self-help
groups. It is important to remain safe during your healing process.
Signs that you may be getting overwhelmed emotionally include crying for more
than half an hour, feeling very depressed, experiencing recurring flashbacks or
nightmares about the abuse, increasing drug/alcohol use, or feeling an increased desire to
engage in other forms of self-destructive behavior.
Recovery is a process, not an event. It is not realistic to believe that we can heal
all of our issues in a single day, week, month, or year. Healing requires patience and a
steady hand. It requires that we cultivate greater love for ourselves over time. We need
to develop a gentle way to deal with our pain and our grief.
If you start feeling emotionally overwhelmed, take a week off. Take some time to
feel more centered and balanced again. Do something that calms your nerves and
reduces your stress, like engaging in hobbies or getting lots of rest. This process will still
be there for you when you come back to it.
If you experience an increase in feelings of depression or anxiety, don’t be afraid
to seek professional help. This may include seeing a doctor or psychiatrist who can
prescribe appropriate medication, or a counselor who can help you process your issues.
A close friend of mine committed suicide because she gave up hope and decided
there was no way to escape the pain. But I want you to know, there is a way to heal.
There is a way through the grief, the shame, and the doubt.
Suicide is never the answer. If you ever feel suicidal for any reason, or know
someone who is feeling suicidal, immediately contact a suicide hotline, a counselor, or
the police to ensure your safety or the safety of the person involved.
Survivors often suffer from broken relationships with themselves, with others, and
with God. It is possible to heal these relationships by healing the sexual abuse. The key
lies within each one of us. It’s time to unlock that door.
Feelings Table Of Contents
-I feel hopeless:
A) Hope
-I feel angry about sexual abuse or having no control:
A) Grieving
B) Fear
C) Control
D) Anger
E) Betrayal
F) Trust
G) Forgiving
-I feel angry with people because they betrayed me:
A) Fear
B) Control
C) Anger
D) Betrayal
E) Trust
F) Forgiving
-I feel angry with God because of the abuse:
A) Low Self-Esteem
B) Anger
C) Betrayal
-I feel like abusing drugs/alcohol:
A) Chemical Addiction
B) Dealing With Pain
C) Relapse
D) Self-Sabotage
E) Fear
F) Control
G) Anger
-I feel like turning to addictive sexual behaviors:
A) Sexual Addiction
B) Healing Sexual Addiction
C) Dealing With Pain
D) Relapse
E) Self-Sabotage
F) Fear
G) Control
H) Anger
-I don’t want to get healthy:
A) Dealing With Pain
B) Self-Sabotage
-I spend too much time alone:
A) Dealing With Pain
B) Relapse
C) Self-Sabotage
D) Depression
E) Grieving
-I feel sad or depressed:
A) Hope
B) Goals
C) Dealing With Pain
D) Relapse
E) Self-Sabotage
F) Body Image
G) Beyond Shame & Guilt
H) Depression
I) Grieving
J) The Inner Child
K) Deserving Love
-I feel like a victim of my past:
A) Dealing With Pain
B) Inner Child
C) Betrayal
-I feel afraid:
A) Goals
B) Powerlessness
C) Fear
D) Control
-I feel stressed or worried:
A) Grieving
B) Fear
C) Control
D) Self-Care
-I feel bad about myself:
A) Relapse
B) Self-Sabotage
C) Body Image
D) Low Self-Esteem
E) High Self-Esteem
F) Forgiving
G) Self-Care
-I blame myself for having been sexually abused:
A) Body Image
B) Beyond Shame & Guilt
C) Low Self-Esteem
D) High Self-Esteem
-I feel unworthy or abandoned:
A) Depression
B) Grieving
C) The Inner Child
D) Deserving Love
E) Betrayal
F) Unhealthy Relationships
G) Respect in Relationships
H) Healthy Relationships
-I feel lost:
A) Hope
B) Goals
C) Depression
D) Grieving
-I feel vulnerable:
A) The Inner Child
B) Deserving Love
C) Low Self-Esteem
D) High Self-Esteem
E) Betrayal
F) Trust
-I feel bad about my body:
A) Body Image
B) Beyond Shame & Guilt
-I feel neglected:
A) Deserving Love
B) Low Self-Esteem
C) High Self-Esteem
D) Self-Care
-I feel powerless:
A) Powerlessness
B) Control
-I feel discouraged about relationships:
A) Anger
B) Betrayal
C) Trust
D) Forgiving
E) Unhealthy Relationships
F) Respect in Relationships
G) Healthy Relationships
-I feel ashamed or guilty:
A) Body Image
B) Beyond Shame and Guilt
C) Trust
D) Values
-I feel resentful:
A) Dealing With Pain
B) Self-Sabotage
C) Body Image
D) Beyond Shame & Guilt
E) Depression
F) Grieving
G) The Inner Child
H) Deserving Love
I) Powerlessness
J) Control
K) Anger
L) Betrayal
M) Trust
N) Forgiving
O) Unhealthy Relationships
P) Respect in Relationships
Q) Healthy Relationships
Chapter 1 – Hope
“Hopelessness is a question of despair, not a product of reality.”
-Jason Goodwin
Hope, for survivors of sexual abuse, means believing that our lives will improve if
we keep working on our issues. It’s like that old saying. “If life gives you lemons, make
lemonade.” But there’s something I want to add to this saying, and I want you to
remember it. “If you’re not getting lemonade, it’s because you’re not squeezing your
lemons hard enough.”
Sexual abuse can feel like a big pile of lemons. There have been times in my life
when I felt too tired, too stressed, too discouraged, too hopeless, too angry, or too afraid
to work on my issues. And the longer I avoided doing this work, the more painful my life
became. Eventually, that pile of lemons started looking pretty good to me, because I
wound up with a big pile of something else.
Hope is the belief that if we keep working on our issues, they will get better, we
will feel better, and eventually we will work through whatever issues we struggle with
today.
To begin this process, we must believe that we can heal. Some of us have felt so
broken by the sexual abuse that we came to believe we could never heal our pain.
“I’m a screw-up,” we said. “Look at my relationships. I let people walk all over
me. I keep going out with people who disrespect me and abuse me. I feel so terrible
about myself. I feel so damaged. I don’t believe I can ever heal.”
Yet sexual abuse is simply a wound. A very deep, very painful wound. When we
try to self-medicate our pain with alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sexual addiction,
pornography, prostitution, overeating, or a hundred other compulsive behaviors, this
wound becomes infected. It is a wound that needs to bleed. It is a wound that needs
great care if it is ever to heal.
Chances are you are like me. You spent the majority of your life trying to run
from this problem. You tried to cover it up or ignore it, hoping beyond hope that it would
somehow just go away. But the truth is that sexual abuse issues do not “just go away.”
We may have felt confused in the past. Even if we wanted to heal our pain, we
may have been unsure of where to turn. There are few good books on the subject, and
few counselors who deal effectively with the issues of sexual abuse. In today’s society,
there is a great deal of stigma attached to having been abused. Instead of healing, we try
to ignore the way we feel, or attempt to numb our feelings with addictions and other
compulsive behaviors.
Some of us reached the place where we believed it was hopeless. The deck was
stacked against us. We were sexually abused. Tainted. We would never heal these
issues because it was impossible. We were doomed to repeating the same awful
relationships and the same self-destructive behaviors for the remainder of our lives.
There is something you need to know. You can heal the pain of sexual abuse.
You can heal your life. It is possible. I promise that if you truly do some soul-searching,
some crying, and some letting go, you will make progress. What you gain from this
experience will depend on how hard you are willing to work. Personally, I held nothing
back. I chose to keep learning and keep growing.
Many of the ideas presented in this book may seem strange to you at first. Some
of the exercises may seem too difficult.
But within these pages are the seeds of change. If your garden is full of rocks and
the soil is too hard, it is difficult for those seeds to take root. The garden of our heart
needs to be tilled. We need to nurture ourselves with the fertilizer of self-love and the
sunshine of self-care. We must give our garden the water of knowledge and begin to pull
the weeds of shame.
A beautiful garden does not blossom overnight, but throughout the springtime of
our healing process. Health and growth are cultivated over time.
When we feel hopeless, we should ask ourselves, “How did I get to this hopeless
place? Have I felt a great deal of anger, sadness, pain, or fear in the past? Have I felt