Happy Hour Is for Amateurs: A Lost Decade in the World's Worst Profession

320 Pages·2008·1.48 MB·English

by  Philadelphia Lawyer

Happy Hour Is
for Amateurs
a lost decade in

the world’s worst

profession

TTHHEE PPHHIILLAADDEELLPPHHIIAA LLAAWWYYEERR
To Lisa. I’m not sure if it’s an indictment or a compliment, but
I can’t think of any woman who’d stand behind me like you have. I
really, truly don’t deserve you.
I mean, seriously . . . You should have run years ago.
Philadelphia Lawyer:
. . . [A] disparaging label for an attorney who is skillful
in the manipulation of the technicalities and intricacies
of the law to the advantage of his or her client, although
the spirit of the law might be violated.
For example, an attorney who uses repeated motions
for postponement of an action or excessive discovery
requests as dilatory tactics primarily for the advantages
that inure to his or her client, as opposed to legitimate
grounds for such actions, might be regarded as a Phila-
delphia Lawyer.
—Thomson Gale Legal Encyclopedia

Con ten ts
Epigraph iii
Author’s Note vii
1998 1
Chap Stick 6
Breaking and Entering 17
Hat Trick 28
Ten Percenter 41
How to Not Get a Job Offer 54
66
Twenty- six
80
Squirrelfucker
97
Thirty Years
Lisa 105
117
The Crab Orgy
Marshal? 127
The Train Wreck Defense 138
3- to- 1 156
Meet the New Boss 172
The Costanza Method: Part I 182
The Costanza Method: Part II 196
Sudden Asshole Syndrome 210
Everything Went Pink 223
Newspaper Guys 238
Getting Your Money’s Worth 245
My Fifteen Minutes of Fame
(Well, More Like Ten) 258
Last Roulette Wheel on the
Way Out of the Casino 274
282
“Justice” Junkies
Plan B 288
293
Everything Went Wrong
299
Gone
Acknowledgments 307
Credits
Cover
Copyright
About the Publisher
vi CON TEN TS
Auth or ’s Note
I have changed the names of some individuals, and modifi ed
identifying features, including physical descriptions and occupa-
tions, of other individuals in order to preserve their anonymity.
In some cases, composite characters have been created or time-
lines have been compressed, in order to further preserve privacy
and to maintain narrative flow. The dialogue has been r e-created
to the best of my recollection, which can vary given the circum-
stances of the moment. The goal in all cases was to protect peo-
ple’s privacy without damaging the integrity of the story. The
general opinions offered about the legal profession are not in-
tended to apply to any particular individuals or entities.
That’s the legal-speak, of course. To put it in layman’s terms, I’ve
had to modify scenes and smash people together because otherwise
this book would potentially expose the guilty and the innocent,
contain as many “characters” as the Bible and read like shit. This is
a funny riff on a funny time that happens to have some important
points jammed into the m ix—the written version of the discussion
we might have if we sat down over a bottle of Maker’s Marks and
you said, “Tell me about the last ten years. And entertain me.”
If anything in this disclaimer offends your standard of grit, as
a wise man once said, “Lighten up, Francis.”
vii