Great Answers to Difficult Questions about Divorce: What Children Need to Know (Great Answers to Difficult Que)

97 Pages·2008·0.74 MB·English

by  Fanny Cohen Herlem

Great Answers to
Difficult Questions
about DIVORCE
bythesameauthor
GreatAnswerstoDifficultQuestionsaboutAdoption
WhatChildrenNeedtoKnow
ISBN9781843106715
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Great Answers to
Difficult Questions
DIVORCE
about
WHAT CHILDREN NEED TO KNOW
Fanny Cohen Herlem
JessicaKingsleyPublishers
LondonandPhiladelphia
Thiseditionpublishedin2008
byJessicaKingsleyPublishers
116PentonvilleRoad
LondonN19JB,UK
and
400MarketStreet,Suite400
Philadelphia,PA19106,USA
www.jkp.com
Firsteditionpublishedin2005inFrenchasLedivorce:
commentrépondreauxquestionsdesenfants
Copyright©ÉditionsPascal2005
TranslatedfromFrenchbyTranslate-A-Book,Oxford,England
Allcasehistoriesandexamplespresentedinthisbookaredrawnfromtheauthor’spersonal
experience.Propernameshavebeenchangedtopreserveconfidentiality.
Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproducedinanymaterialform
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LibraryofCongressCataloginginPublicationData
Herlem,FannyCohen.
Greatanswerstodifficultquestionsaboutdivorce:whatchildrenneedtoknow/Fanny
CohenHerlem.
p.cm.
ISBN978-1-84310-672-2(pb:alk.paper)
1. Divorce.2. Childrenofdivorcedparents.3. Questionsandanswers. I.Title.
HQ814.H452008
306.89--dc22
2008007289
BritishLibraryCataloguinginPublicationData
ACIPcataloguerecordforthisbookisavailablefromtheBritishLibrary
ISBN9781843106722
ISBNpdfeBook9781846428180
PrintedandboundintheUnitedStatesby
Thomson-Shore,Inc
Contents
PREFACE 7
CHAPTER1 Why are my parents separating? 17
CHAPTER2 What happens now? 23
CHAPTER3 They never agree and they’re
always arguing! 33
CHAPTER4 I’m going to Dad’s (Mom’s)
now! 39
CHAPTER5 What if we all live too far away
from each other? 45
CHAPTER6 Things aren’t easy for me right
now! 51
CHAPTER7 What will happen next? 60
CHAPTER8 Common mistakes and
complications 69
CHAPTER9 Things are better now! 83
APPENDIX1: ACHECKLISTFORCHILDREN 85
APPENDIX2: PARENTALBEHAVIORAND
THELAW 87
APPENDIX3: USEFULWEBSITES 90
Preface
Divorce is a word derived from the Latin for
separation.
Being aparentisnotafreeride! Attimesitisdifficult
to reconcile one’s own needs with the demands of
marriedlifeandparenthood–sodifficult,infact,that
something often has to give! As we know, either
partnermayelecttogohisorherownwayanddecide
–forallkindsofreasons–thatcontinuingtolivewith
theotherpartnerisnolongeraviableoption.Clearly,
such decisions cantrigger awholerangeof emotions,
among them guilt, anger, hostility, and, at times,
outrighthatred.Itiscommonknowledgethatsepara-
tion and divorce are often painful, and, what is more,
they can prompt a reappraisal of life choices, habits,
andlifestylegenerally.Evenwhentheprocessofsepa-
ration and divorce is amicable, the readjustment and
reorganization of day-to-day life is likely to prove
onerous and painful. This book is primarily intended
(cid:2) 7 (cid:2)
GREATANSWERSTODIFFICULTQUESTIONSABOUTDIVORCE
to help not only parents undergoing divorce, but also
those they hold in common trust, the children.
Inprinciple,anadultshouldhavethepracticaland
emotional resources to deal with problems as they
arise,orshouldknowwheretoturnforhelp.Bycom-
parisonwithpreviousgenerations,today’sparentsare
arguably better informed about (and, as a result,
probably more alert to) the effects such changed cir-
cumstancesmayhaveontheirchildren.Astheprocess
of separation follows its course, parents will often
wish totalk totheir childrenand explainstepby step
what is happening and why.
Even so, it is sometimes far from easy to care for
others when one is already hard-pressed to take care
of oneself!Parentsareoftensopreoccupiedbyevery-
thing that is going on in their own lives and by their
own immediate problems, that they fail to read the
signs of distress or confusion from their children.
Time and again, I have seen how “well-behaved”
children can react in such circumstances. They may
choose to keep their own counsel and be determined
to ask no questions that might somehow offend the
adultsinvolved.Theymayoftenprove“unbearable”to
an unprecedented degree; to the point where their
parents, at a loss to understand, are themselves bewil-
dered and distraught.
As a rule (the exception perhaps being where a
parental relationship is excessively adversarial)
children dislike this sort of change, where they find
(cid:2) 8 (cid:2)