Great Answers to Difficult Questions about Adoption: What Children Need to Know (Great Answers to Difficult Que)

114 Pages·2008·0.63 MB·English

by  Fanny Cohen Herlem

Great Answers to
Difficult Questions
about ADOPTION
bythesameauthor
GreatAnswerstoDifficultQuestionsaboutDivorce
WhatChildrenNeedtoKnow
ISBN9781843106722
of relatedinterest
BigStepsforLittlePeople
ParentingYourAdoptedChild
CeliaFoster
ForewordsbyDavidHoweandDanielA.Hughes
ISBN9781843106203
NurturingAttachments
SupportingChildrenwhoareFosteredorAdopted
KimS.Golding
ISBN9781843106142
ConnectingwithKidsthroughStories
UsingNarrativestoFacilitateAttachmentinAdoptedChildren
DeniseB.Lacher,ToddNicholsandJoanneC.May
ISBN9781843107972
Great Answers to
Difficult Questions
ADOPTION
about
WHAT CHILDREN NEED TO KNOW
Fanny Cohen Herlem
JessicaKingsleyPublishers
LondonandPhiladelphia
Thiseditionpublishedin2008
byJessicaKingsleyPublishers
116PentonvilleRoad
LondonN19JB,UK
and
400MarketStreet,Suite400
Philadelphia,PA19106,USA
www.jkp.com
Firsteditionpublishedin2006inFrenchasL’adoption:
commentrépondreauxquestionsdesenfants
Copyright©ÉditionsPascal2006
TranslatedfromFrenchbyTranslate-A-Book,Oxford,England
Allcasehistoriesandexamplespresentedinthefollowingaredrawnfromtheauthor’s
personalexperience.Personalnameshavebeenchangedtopreserveconfidentiality.
Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproducedinanymaterialform
(includingphotocopyingorstoringitinanymediumbyelectronicmeansandwhetherornot
transientlyorincidentallytosomeotheruseofthispublication)withoutthewrittenpermission
ofthecopyrightownerexceptinaccordancewiththeprovisionsoftheCopyright,Designs
andPatentsAct1988orunderthetermsofalicenceissuedbytheCopyrightLicensing
AgencyLtd,SaffronHouse,6–10KirbyStreet,LondonEC1N8TS.Applicationsforthe
copyrightowner’swrittenpermissiontoreproduceanypartofthispublicationshouldbe
addressedtothepublisher.
Warning:Thedoingofanunauthorisedactinrelationtoacopyrightworkmayresultinboth
acivilclaimfordamagesandcriminalprosecution.
LibraryofCongressCataloginginPublicationData
Herlem,FannyCohen.
Greatanswerstodifficultquestionsaboutadoption:whatchildrenneedtoknow/Fanny
CohenHerlem.
p.cm.
ISBN978-1-84310-671-5(pb:alk.paper)
1.Adoption.2.Adoptedchildren.3.Adoptiveparents.4.Questionsandanswers.I.Title.
HV875.H41652008
649'.145--dc22
2008007290
BritishLibraryCataloguinginPublicationData
ACIPcataloguerecordforthisbookisavailablefromtheBritishLibrary
ISBN9781843106715
ISBNpdfeBook9781846428173
PrintedandboundintheUnitedStatesby
Thomson-Shore,Inc.
Contents
PREFACE 7
CHAPTER 1 Why was I abandoned: could it
happen again? 15
CHAPTER 2 Why have my parents
chosen me? 21
CHAPTER 3 How did my parents adopt me? 29
CHAPTER4 We’re a family now – just like
other people! 38
CHAPTER 5 Everyone says I’m different! 49
CHAPTER 6 Where does my first name
come from? 60
CHAPTER 7 Who were my parents when
I was born? 67
CHAPTER 8 Where do I come from? 75
CHAPTER 9 Sometimes it’s hard to be
adopted! 84
CHAPTER 10 What about when I grow up? 98
CHAPTER 11 Will I be able to adopt a child
when I grow up? 103
APPENDIX1: ACHECKLISTFORCHILDREN 106
APPENDIX2: ANOTEFORPARENTSONLY 108
APPENDIX3: USEFULWEBSITES 110
Preface
Adopt is a word derived from the Latin optare,
which means to choose, or to select.
The ancient practice of adoption has a varied history.
In Ancient Rome, for example, a father could elect to
accept or reject a child born to his wife. Once he
acknowledged the child, he would go on to “adopt”
him or her and bring the child up as his own legiti-
mate offspring.
History and legend records the names of count-
lesscelebrated“adoptees”,datingallthewaybackto
Moses, or Romulus and Remus. Examples of the
adoptionprocessarefrequentinliteratureandclassi-
cal mythology. Most adopted children do not go on
to become famous, however, and the vast majority
are content to live out their lives in quiet anonymity.
Some are resolute in their determination to research
their own birth history, despite all the subsequent
(cid:2) 7 (cid:2)
GREATANSWERSTODIFFICULTQUESTIONSABOUTADOPTION
complications and potential heartaches that it may
sometimes entail.
Adoptionisahugelycomplexandsensitivesubject
area, and it prompts a wide range of fundamental
questions about parenting. Accepting a child into a
family implies a commitment to providing for his or
her well-being, security, and intellectual and emo-
tional development. In other words, the act of
adoption assumes responsibility for a child’s life, and
especially for the way the child will fit within the
family unit.
A sense of rejection
In any discussion of adoption, the notion of rejection
or abandonment is never too far from the surface.
Rejection often causes suffering not only for those
whoarerejected butalsofor thosewhodothereject-
ing. It is a notion that inevitably comes up sooner or
later, most typically when an adopted child finally
gets around to asking his or her new family when,
how, by whom, and, not least, why he or she was
“given up” or “abandoned”. Questions such as these
usually trigger others, some more direct, others more
subtle. Try as they do to anticipate such questions,
many parents are frequently ill-prepared and poorly
equipped to respond. In part, this may be because
questionstendtobeaskedatthemostunexpectedand
awkward of moments – at the supermarket checkout,
(cid:2) 8 (cid:2)