Table Of ContentHow
to
Develop
Unshakeable
Self-‐Esteem
and
Incredible
Self
Confidence
-‐
Class
1
Pt.
2
By
Victor
Cheng
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How to Develop Unshakeable Self-Esteem and Incredible Self Confidence - Class 1 Pt. 2 - Transcript
Victor: Okay, so moving on. The second part of self-acceptance is accepting your flaws.
Instead of calling them “flaws,” let’s call them “traits.” I tend to think of what I
call the “self-rejecting voice” vs the “self-accepting voice” as the difference
between other esteem and self-esteem, and a lot of the questions we just answered
are related to this. The self-rejecting voice says, “I wish I wasn’t so fat, I wish I
wasn’t poor, I wish I wasn’t so whatever.” The self-accepting voice, when you’ve
adopted and embraced self-acceptance says, “Hey, I accept that being ten pounds
heavier than I’d like to be is part of who I am, where I am in life right now, and
that’s okay. I’d like to improve it, but I’m not going to make myself feel bad
because of it.” Or “I wish I was more something. I wish I had more income. I
wish I had more cars. I wish I had more opportunities to travel.” That’s a self-
rejecting voice type position. The self-accepting version is, “Hey, I accept that
this is just where I am in my life right now, and I’m okay with that. It doesn’t
mean I’m a good person or a bad person, it just is. It’s just where things are right
now, and it’s okay.”
That’s an example of accepting your flaws and not thinking of them as flaws, but
thinking of them as traits. For example, one of my “flaws” is I’m really
disorganized on things that are very detail-oriented, and it’s just something I’m
not particularly good at. Rather than beat myself up about it, I just accept that’s
just a part of my personality right now and a part of my skills, and I’m okay with
it. If I wanted to improve upon it I’m sure I could, but frankly I don’t, and that’s
okay too. That’s just where I’m at. So I wanted to emphasize that.
01:43
Let’s move on to our third through seventh habits of self-acceptance. I’m going to
go through these and then really switch gears and talk about boundaries, which I
want to leave a lot of time for because they’re very complicated and I want to
make sure we have a lot of time for that. The next part of self-acceptance is
reframing failures as mistakes or lessons. A lot of us, particularly most of us here
on our talk today, are accustomed to what I call “paradigms of judgment or self-
judgment.” There’s good vs bad. There’s a success vs a failure. There’s the high
GMAT score vs the low GMAT score. There’s those who got promoted vs those
who did not. There’s the winner and there’s the loser. These are all judgment-
based paradigms; there’s a hierarchy in there. Then when it comes to making
mistakes, people who are very self-judgmental will say mistakes are bad, because
there’s perfect and there’s imperfect, and mistakes means you’re imperfect.
There’s a complete alternative paradigm that’s important to notice and to
embrace, and that is the paradigm of acceptance. One of the things that I teach is
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How to Develop Unshakeable Self-Esteem and Incredible Self Confidence - Class 1 Pt. 2 - Transcript
success vs feedback. You do something well, or you learn how to do it better next
time. No judgment. It just is. You learned a way that it didn’t work, which means
you know a better way and have a better opportunity to figure out what works
next time. That’s a non-judgmental type of paradigm. Another paradigm is one
that I call “excellence.” So rather than striving to be perfect, I like to strive for
excellence, and that is competing against your own standard, or what you are
personally capable of. Your personal maximum capability vs your current
performance.
One of the things I do work on when I’m in the gym is my personal best – I’m
trying to do something in the gym that’s my personal best. Like, I’ve never done
X before for ten times, and I want to try that, and I finally did it. It doesn’t matter
what anyone else did, but I felt like my maximum was around that range, and it
was really great to achieve that relative to my own capability. If I didn’t right
away, that’s fine, because that’s where I’m at, but that gave me something to
strive for, and so that’s something like that.
03:52
When you’re very self-accepting, you also think of mistakes as opportunities to
learn. I’ll give you an example I have: My youngest, when she was three years
old, I had some work done in the kitchen, and there was a small crack in the floor
where a mouse had gotten into the house. Since my oldest loves animals, she just
did not want me to kill the mouse. I reluctantly agreed, and we bought one of
those economically friendly mousetraps that captures the mouse alive, and you let
him off down the street. I caught the mouse, and I showed the kids, and they were,
“Wow, it’s so cute,” and stuff. My three year old looked down at the mousetrap –
it looks like a little box and it’s transparent, made of plastic – and then she went
down, she bent over, and then she opened the door to the mousetrap.
This little mouse basically ran for freedom, ran literally clear across the entire
house, and then my two older girls were just yelling like crazy, “No! No! Why did
you do that?” They were just coming down so hard on her. They were calling her,
“She’s stupid,” “She was crazy,” “Why would she do that?” All of these things,
and that’s a lot for a three year old to take. After everyone calmed down, I called
a timeout, because this was one of those... This could be an emotionally traumatic
event for a three year old, maybe not for a 31 year old, but a three year old, and
this was a time when I was teaching them the scientific method.
I asked her, “Hey honey, did you have a hypothesis as to what happened when
you opened the door to the mousetrap?” She kind of nodded her head, because she
knows what a hypothesis is. I said, “Was your hypothesis that the mouse would
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How to Develop Unshakeable Self-Esteem and Incredible Self Confidence - Class 1 Pt. 2 - Transcript
just sit there, even though the door was open?” And she nodded her head kind of
quietly and sheepishly. I said, “Well, did you learn something today?” She
nodded her head big time, “Yes!” “And did you learn that your hypothesis was
wrong?” And she nodded her head, “Yes!” I said, “Okay.” I passed along
something actually that I learned from you, Michelle; I told her that it’s okay.
Mistakes are how we learn. In our household, whenever somebody makes a
mistake, I always start the sentence, “Hey, that’s okay, mistakes are how we...”
and then she always blurts out, “Daddy, it’s how we learn!”
06:01
So when I make a mistake, she goes, “Daddy it’s okay, mistakes are how we
learn.” That was a reframe of a failure, imperfection. Just accepting that as a way
of learning rather than anything else. In the real world, outside of school, that’s
very much the case. In school it’s the same way, but sometimes they penalize you
for making a mistake on a test. But in the real world, making mistakes is how we
learn. You can learn from other people’s mistakes; that’s called buying books and
taking classes. That’s another way to learn. You can borrow other people’s
experiences so your team doesn’t have to make a mistake; that’s called hiring
well. But mistakes are very much a part of life and learning.
More on this self-rejecting voice vs self-accepting voice. Instead of using the self-
rejecting voice that says, “Ugh, I got rejected from that interview. I’m such an
idiot. I’m a pathetic loser. I’m just not very smart.” The more self-accepting, self-
compassionate voice would say, “Oh, I wasn’t successful in passing the interview.
What I’ve learned from this is next time I need to...” fill in the blank. Another
example is, “Ugh, I screwed up that meeting. Oh God, I stink, I suck.” The more
self-accepting way of addressing that same situation is, “Whoops, that did not turn
out the way I expected. I learned that I should not do that next time,” whatever
that thing or that mistake was.
Michelle: Sometimes it’s a feeling state. Often you’re going to have the voice that you’ll
hear, but sometimes it’s a feeling state. You might feel really small or the desire
to just disappear. These feelings of wanting to shrink, be smaller, get away.
Sometimes we don’t have words for that, and that’s when you can tell, “Okay,
I’m clearly in a self-rejecting state.”
Victor: Hmm, yes.
Michelle: That’s when you can start to respond to yourself, and do the more self-accepting
talk to get yourself to a more self-accepting state.
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How to Develop Unshakeable Self-Esteem and Incredible Self Confidence - Class 1 Pt. 2 - Transcript
08:00
Victor: Yeah, and one of the things I had difficulty with, and you helped me with, is when
I’m in that self-rejecting state, then I get really... I’m self-rejecting of my own
self-rejection. Like, “Oh, I’m such an idiot for screwing up. Jeez, now I’m
rejecting myself on top of making the mistake. I’m such a loser at being a loser! I
can’t even not do that right.” And then I can spiral. One of the things that you
helped me learn was to say, “Hey, given how I was raised and the culture I was
around, it’s not surprising I have this self-rejecting tendency because that’s all I
saw for probably 38, 39 years of my life. It’s not surprising once in a while I’m
going to default back to that. But it’s okay, it’s a choice, and I can be
compassionate with myself.” I’m still learning how to be more self-accepting.
That’s a way to do that. I found that really helpful because sometimes you can get
in sort this downward spiral that’s hard to get out of.
All right, the fourth step of self-acceptance is accepting compliments. If someone
gives you a compliment and says, “Nice job!” the self-rejecting voice says, “Well,
not really. My closing was kind of weak and my visuals were kind of sloppy.”
When someone gives you a compliment, two ways to respond. The first is the
easiest say, “Thank you,” and you receive... A compliment is a gift. Someone
gives you a gift; you receive it, because it’s respect for the gift. If that feels like
you’re lying almost, it doesn’t feel congruent, another way – and I attribute this to
my friend Rob Berkley at VisionDay.com, he says something along the lines of,
“Thank you for saying that, that’s very kind of you. I don’t feel entirely
comfortable receiving that compliment yet, but I appreciate it and I’m still
working on receiving it.” That’s an honest take on where you’re at.
You’re still receiving, and even if you can’t take it in all of the way, you’ve taken
it as far as you can. And I love the word “yet.” “I’m not entirely comfortable
receiving that compliment yet,” which implies you will at some point. I think it’s
a good message to tell yourself.
10:00
Michelle: That’s great.
Victor: Yeah.
Michelle: Another good thing is to put yourself in a healthy bind. A healthy bind means you
put yourself in the person’s shoes of making the compliment. They’re offering
you this gift, and are you just going to shove it back over the table? Can you
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How to Develop Unshakeable Self-Esteem and Incredible Self Confidence - Class 1 Pt. 2 - Transcript
imagine if you’d bought a gift for someone, you hand it to them, and they just
shoved it back?
Victor: Yeah.
Michelle: That is what it is like to reject a compliment. It’s not only hard on your own self-
worth; it’s not good for your relationships.
Victor: Well, because you’re not paying attention to the other person and you’re not
acknowledging what they did, because you didn’t even notice it. It’s very... It’s a
lack of acceptance of them too when you’re not accepting and receiving that
compliment. That’s another way to think about it.
Another exercise is self-appreciation, and this is a great one. This is a hard one for
me, but it is listing 3-5 things you appreciate about yourself every day. And
specifically in this exercise, it is listing things that are inherent traits, things that
were true many years ago. I did this with my older daughter; she was down on
herself. I said, “Honey, what is something that you really appreciate about
yourself? Something that’s been true your whole life?” One of the things is she’s
very creative. She’s like an inventor. She noticed that even amongst her peers that
they all liked her ideas, because she was so creative and clever. She started to
really embrace that. She’s got this talent, this creativity, and has really started to
appreciate that.
11:39
At the time there were some academic skills she didn’t have, or were struggling
with, and so she felt really “one down” compared to her friends. And what I was
trying to convey is, “Hey, there’s just some things you’re going to be better at
than your friends, and some things that are worse, and that’s just true for
everybody.” I was trying to get her to appreciate the things that were her strong
suits, not just obsess over the weaker spots. That’s one exercise.
Think about the things that are inherent traits about yourself. For me, I really
appreciate my intelligence. I never really appreciated and didn’t realize what a
gift it is, and that it’s been very helpful in lots of situations. There are plenty of
traits I don’t feel I’m quite very strong in at all in comparison, but I am very
grateful for that, because that’s served me well in my life. Those are the kinds of
things you want to look for.
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How to Develop Unshakeable Self-Esteem and Incredible Self Confidence - Class 1 Pt. 2 - Transcript
Our sixth and seventh ones are gratitude – gratitude, really important. Brene
Brown, whose work I follow a lot, and she’s got a couple of TED Talks out there
and some books. A couple of quotes, or paraphrases of her quotes, that I like a lot,
and one is, “Fear and gratitude cannot coexist.” For the person who got the 650 on
the GMAT score, what are you grateful for in your life? If you can really show
gratitude in where you are in your life right now, then it helps you really
appreciate the good things and let go of the things that you might perceive to be
lacking. One of the things that I want to teach my kids was appreciation and
gratitude. One of the things I take them to do is we... We live outside of Seattle,
and we go into Seattle every couple of months and we feed the homeless.
I used to do it every week for about a couple of months, then took some time off,
and then came back with the kids. One of the things that happened right
afterwards, which I was really surprised by, was after dinner, when I would cook
dinner, the kids would say, “Dad, thank you for cooking the dinner.” (Or the
oldest would in particular.) “Well, you’re welcome. I take your compliment and
appreciation.” I started asking, “Well, why... I mean, I like that you’re
appreciative and expressing gratitude, but how come?” And my oldest said,
“Well, I started doing that when I stopped taking things for granted.” I said,
“Well, when did you stop taking things for granted?” And she said, “It was when
we fed the homeless because they have nowhere to sleep.”
13:53
They literally sleep outside, and we would drive by where they’re sleeping,
literally, around downtown. She always has something to eat, and the people that
are homeless don’t always have something to eat. It’s not always the case; it’s not
an automatic. She really started to appreciate that, and it’s been really good for
her to notice the things, and appreciate what she does have, and not to pay so
much attention to what she might not.
The other quote is that, “There’s no joy without gratitude.” One of the exercises
I’ve written about previously is just every morning and night, list three things you
are grateful for. I’m grateful for the sunshine, we’re having a great summer out
here in Seattle – normally it’s kind of rainy up until this point. I’m grateful for the
fresh air. I’m grateful that I’m able to talk to and do something I love to do, which
is to teach both with a dear friend of mine, Michelle, as well as teaching people in
48 different countries around the world, some of which I don’t even know where
they are, I’ve got to look it up. That’s amazing. I mean, and the fact that this
technology actually works, that we’re broadcasting this presentation, probably to
10-20 different time zones around the world is amazing to me. I can’t imagine... I
know how it works mathematically; I just don’t believe it.
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How to Develop Unshakeable Self-Esteem and Incredible Self Confidence - Class 1 Pt. 2 - Transcript
So that’s very useful. Another exercise, and this is on my blog, I ask people to
post the 100 things they’re grateful for, and to do it in ten minutes or less. It really
forces you to think about every little thing you can possibly be grateful for.
Gratitude is a muscle – when you have it and you work on it, you’re more grateful
and you’re more appreciative and more accepting of your life. That’s something I
really recommend.
I’m going to finish up here. Celebration is another form of gratitude, and the
reason it is important is because it is a form of witnessing. It is a way for you to
pay attention to yourself. If your parents didn’t necessarily celebrate certain parts
of your life, but you do, it’s a way to pay attention to yourself, essentially to re-
parent, and to show yourself that you accept yourself by noticing yourself as a
starting point.
16:00
Those are our seven major habits for self-acceptance. Never go “one up” or “one
down,” accept your flaws, reframe your failures and mistakes to something
different, accept compliments, really work on self-appreciation, gratitude practice,
and celebration.
On that note I’ll add one other thing I do, in respect to gratitude, at night I will at
most dinners (not all of them) have my kids go around the table and mention three
things they’re grateful for today. It was a little hard in the beginning, because they
had a hard time. But then they started to think about things, and it was really,
really quite sweet to watch them do that.
The other thing I have them do is around appreciation. When we don’t do
gratitude, we do an appreciation practice, and I’ll have them state one thing about
themselves that they’re appreciative of. We’ll do that sometimes, and then other
times we’ll go around and have them mention something they appreciate about
somebody else in the family. One sister appreciates another sister for something.
The first couple of ones were, one sister to another, “I appreciate you’re not such
a doofus today,” “Oh, not quite. We’ve got some room to work on it.” That kind
of thing; they’re still young. But the muscle’s still being built. It takes some
practice.
Now we’re going to talk about individuation. If you recall, individuation is where
you learn from childhood, when your parents encourage you and foster and create
room to allow you to have your own values separate from theirs, your own sense
of identity, which includes values, your own thoughts, your own feelings,
decisions, and your own actions and behaviors. Here we’re going to talk about
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How to Develop Unshakeable Self-Esteem and Incredible Self Confidence - Class 1 Pt. 2 - Transcript
how do you create your own identity separate from others if you didn’t learn how
to do that in your house growing up as a child?
One of the key takeaways here on individuation, which is the ability to separate
from others and have your own identity that’s distinct, is that when you don’t
have personal values, it’s impossible to have self-esteem. If you have no personal
values, it’s impossible to have self-esteem. If you’ve unconsciously adopted
everyone else’s values around you, and your values, your “other values” that you
use constantly shift, depending on who you’re around, you’re basically confined
to having other-esteem because you have no values of your own. One of the
fundamental parts of individuation is having your own values, because it gives
you the standard by which to live your life, and it also gives you the standard by
which to make decisions in your life; it’s the foundation. This is an important step
in the process.
18:45
Again, how to individuate as an adult? You need to live a life that’s a personal
values-centered life, and there are two key skills in that process. The first is to
actually identify your values, and then the second is to evaluate your life relative
to your values, and we’ll talk about both.
The first step is: Here are some guidelines for identifying your values. When you
list what you value, you want to list values that are directional in natural, as
opposed to specific goals. If you value education, that’s different than if you value
a Harvard MBA. The reasoning for this is with a directional value, there’s more
than one valid way to live and still be in alignment with your directional values. If
you value education, if you value knowledge, if you value being worldly and
knowing things about the world, those are all values, and they are many, many
different ways to live in a way that’s consistent with those values. The thing that’s
important about a value too, is it’s in your control. If you value education, you
value knowledge, that’s something you can do. You don’t depend on anybody
else to live by those values. Achieving a Harvard MBA, that’s more of a goal;
that’s something you can strive for, but it’s not a value. Well, I guess it could be a
value, but it’s not the kind of value that I think is the most beneficial when you’re
trying to build individuation.
One of the things you want to ask yourself as you’re deciding on your values is,
“Do I genuinely value this?” I have a handout that everyone here will be getting –
I’ll show you how to use it here in a second – which I think will be very helpful.
Here’s what I call a “values checklist.” This is like multiple-choice values. It’s a
starting point; it’s not meant to be the end-all-be-all. Basically, here are a bunch
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