Table Of ContentFROM FEAR TO LOVE
By B. Bryan Post
Published by Post Institute & Associates, LLC, Palmyra VA
www.postinstitute.com
© 2010 B. Bryan Post. All Rights Reserved. Printed in the United States of America.
Illustrations by Mark Trotter, MTT Illustrations
Excerpt as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced or
distributed in any form, or by any means, or stored in a database retreival system, without the prior written permission
of the copyright holder, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in review. Neither the publisher nor the
author is engaged in rendering professional advice or services to the individual reader. The ideas, procedures, and
suggestions contained in this book are not intended as a substitute for consulting with a family counselor, psychological
professional or physician. All matters regarding the health and wellness of your family members require professional
supervision. Neither the authors nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss, injury, or damage allegedly
arising from any information or suggestion in this book.
The opinions expressed in this book represent the personal views of the author and not of the publisher, and are for
informational purposes only. This book is not intended to replace appropriate counseling, diagnosis, treatment, or other
therapeutic intervention, when necessary, by a qualified mental health, physician or other qualified professional.
The events depicted in this published work are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely
coincidental.
Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible
Society. used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers.
Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004. Used
by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked NKJ taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson,
Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Scripture taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE®, Copyright © 1971,1972,1973,1975,1977,1995 by
The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.
Library of Congress Control Number: 2009941364
ISBN 13: 978-0-9840801-5-1
Third Edition, February 2013
Dedicated to my mother, Opal Post, and my late father, Billie R. Post
(1941–2004), for bringing me into a home where they parented the best
that they knew how, despite a lack of understanding for my deeper
emotional needs. They have made up for that lack of understanding by
always providing me unconditional love, support, and encouragement.
They are the two greatest parents God could have ever given me.
I wrote this book for adoptive parents everywhere.
Special thanks to David Strainick for assembling the beginning quotes
and summarizing the key points for each chapter.
Table of Contents
Foreword
Introduction
1: Understanding Love and Fear
2: What Does Stress Have To Do With It?
3: Don’t Underestimate the Role of Trauma
4: Regulation and Dysregulation
5: The Oxytocin Response
6: Ages and Levels of Memory
7: Exploring What’s Below the Surface
8: The Stress Model™
9: Lying
10: Stealing and Self-Mutilation
11: Aggressive Behavior
12: What Do Chronic Lying, Stealing, Fire-Setting, Killing Animals, and Hoarding Food
Have in Common?
13: Feedback Loops
14 The Three-Phase Intervention
15: Healing Happens At Home
16: Not a Conclusion, but a Beginning
Appendix
Recommended Readings
Other Works by the Author
What People Are Saying
Educational Resources
Praise for the Book
Comments about Bryan Post
Special Offers
Would You Like More Help
About the Author
Foreword
A
s I sit reflecting on my journey as the happy, anxious prospect of finally becoming
a mother to a child that I wanted so much, I now wonder, “If only I had known
then what I know NOW!” What a difference in parenting style I would have had! I was
unaware of the upcoming emotional rollercoaster of being an adoptive parent.
I remember how wonderful it was to hold my baby for the first time. My heart was
bursting with pride. My beloved late husband Bill and I named our son Bryan. A year
later, we adopted our daughter Kristi. Although we are all now emotionally connected,
the journey was filled with stress and emotional pain.
We hadn’t a clue about parenting children with significant emotional needs. Many
years, many great challenges, and sleepless nights later, I can look back and forgive
myself for the things my husband and I did not know. We did our best, and I’m sure you
have as well. For all the painful memories, there are many great ones filled with
laughter, pride, and thankfulness. I love my children dearly, and I always have.
I am so proud of my son. Through all the hell he raised as a child, he has grown into
an angel. I take comfort in knowing that we intuitively did many things right. One thing
he has told me before that I want to offer to you is to never give up on your child—no
matter what might happen and what you might go through. As long as God gives us air in
the sky to breathe, there is hope.
Take these words filled with wisdom, understanding, passion, and insight that my son
has provided you, and go claim your child’s heart.
As I said earlier, “If only I had known THEN what I know NOW,” my son might not
have been able to offer this book to you. So, I hold no regrets—only hope for you and
your children.
God Bless,
Opal Post
MOTHER TO BRYAN POST AND KRISTI POST-PLEW
MEME TO MIKALAH, MARLEY, *ZELIJAH, KATALINA, AND ZELIAH
(*Zelijah, my daughter Kristi’s oldest child, is now also my adopted son, thereby making me one of the many
grandparents raising grandchildren! May God especially bless grandparents who parent.)
Introduction
I
“ T IS YOUR OWN FEAR THAT WILL CAUSE THE GREATEST STRUGGLE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH
YOUR ADOPTED CHILD.”
T
his small book is packed with simple concepts to help you transform your
relationship with your adopted child. If you have just become an adopted parent, it
will help you start on the most effective parenting path possible. This is a fast-moving
book. We will cover a vast amount of information in a short period. You will want to
read this book from cover to cover as quickly as you can the first time; a little slower
the next, making time to highlight and underline; and again, yet a little slower, adding
your own thoughts, situations, and concepts. Finally, read it a fourth time to ensure that
you fully grasp the concepts and are steadily becoming a beacon of love and
understanding for your child.
The concepts in this book are part of a new parenting paradigm. What is a paradigm?
It’s a pattern from which you shape and live your life. Dictionary.com defines it as “A
set of assumptions, concepts, values, and practices that constitutes a way of viewing
reality for the community that shares them…” Changing our assumptions can be
challenging, but that’s exactly what is required to properly take care of difficult adopted
children.
The old paradigm says that the difficult child is angry and controlling, but this belief is
misleading. The reality is that this child is caught in a stress-and-fear state, causing the
body’s natural fear reaction to go awry. The fetus, infant, or child is the product of an
overly stressful environment or traumatic event, causing fearfulness and stress
sensitivity. That fear and stress lead to the behaviors you might experience with your
Description:by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved. RAD was first introduced about 20 years ago. Bishop T. D. Jakes says, “If you always do what you've always done, you will always.
