Fanny: Being the True History of the Adventures of Fanny Hackabout-Jones

625 Pages·2003·4.91 MB·English

by  Erica Jong

Fanny
Being the True History of the Adventures of Fanny
Hackabout-Jones
Erica Jong
THE TRUE HISTORY OF
THE ADVENTURES OF
Fanny Hackabout-Jones
IN THREE BOOKS
Comprising her Life at Lymeworth, her Initiation as a Witch,
her Travels with the Merry Men, her Life in the Brothel,
her London High Life, her Slaving Voyage, her Life as a Female Pyrate, her
eventual Unravelling of her Destiny, et cetera.
Contents
Map
Introduction
Dramatis Personae
Book I
I The Introduction to the Work or Bill of Fare to the Feast.
II A short Description of my Childhood with particular Attention to the
Suff’rings of my Step-Mother, Lady Bellars.
III In which I meet my first Great Man, and learn the Truth of that Maxim:
“’Tis easier to be a Great Man in one’s Work than in one’s Life.”
IV Of Gardening, Great Houses, the Curse of Fashion, Paradise Lost, a
Family Supper with a Famous Visitor in Attendance, and the Foolish
Curiosity of Virgins of Seventeen.
V Of Flip-Flaps, Lollipops, Picklocks, Love-Darts, Pillicocks, and the
Immortal Soul, together with some Warnings against Rakes, and some
Observations upon the Erotick Proclivities of Poets.
VI Some Reflections upon Harmony, Order, and Reason, together with many
surprizing Adventures which follow one upon the other, in rapid
Succession.
VII Venus is introduced, with some pretty Writing; and we learn more of the
Am’rous Dalliances of Lord Bellars than we, or our Heroine, would wish
to know.
VIII Containing the sundry Adventures of our Heroine in preparing her
Escape, as well as many edifying Digressions upon Doweries, upon
Love, upon the Beauties of the English Countryside, upon the Wisdom of
Horses, upon the Necessity for Disguises, and, finally, upon the
Preferability, at all Times, of being a Man rather than a Woman.
IX Containing a most improving Philosophical Enquiry into the diff’ring
Philosophies of the Third Earl of Shaftesbury and Mr. Bernard
Mandeville, together with an Account of our Heroine’s sincere Dilemma
concerning the Role of Womankind in the Great World; whereupon we
follow our Heroine to a Country Fair and relate the Misadventures she
had there, her Debut as a Duellist, and, last but not least, her most
surprizing Rescue by a most surprizing Rescuer.
X A Word to the Wise about Gratitude; an exciting Chase upon horseback;
our Heroine’s Conversations with two Wise Women of the Woods; and a
most astonishing Prophecy.
XI Of Prophecies and Herbs; of Witchcraft and Magick; of Courage and a
red silk Garter.
XII Containing some Essential Information regarding the Nature of Esbats,
Sabbats, Flying thro’ the Air upon Broomstaffs, and other Matters with
which the enlighten’d Young Woman of Parts should be acquainted;
together with a most dreadful Scene upon Stonehenge Down, which few
Readers should venture upon in an Ev’ning, especially when alone.
XIII Containing sev’ral Dialogues concerning Fate, Poesy, and the
Relations betwixt the Sexes, as well as other Intercourse of a more
sensual Nature (because of which the Modest Reader is advis’d to pass
o’er this Chapter unread), which our Heroine had with Miss Polly
Mudge, Chambermaid, Mr. Ned Tunewell, Poetaster, and e’en with
Herself, at that celebrated Coaching Inn call’d The Dumb Bell.
XIV In which Lancelot Robinson and his Merry Men are introduced and our
Heroine meets her Fate in all its Nakedness.
XV A short Hint of what we can do in the Rabelaisian Style; our Heroine
gets her Name; Lancelot Robinson begins his astounding History.
XVI Lancelot Robinson concludes his astonishing History, showing that a
Man may be wise in all Things, both sublunary and divine, yet still be a
Ninny where Women are concern’d.
XVII An improving philosophical Conversation upon the Nature of Orphans,
after which the Merry Men are introduced, Lancelot discloses his future
Plans, and Horatio’s curious History is reveal’d.
XVIII Containing some mischievous and am’rous Play in which ’tis
presently seen that Lancelot’s Protestations of sexual Preference are not
as fixt as he would have had us believe, nor indeed are those of our
Friend Horatio, whereupon our Heroine finds herself in a Predicament
which Prudes will applaud but the Hot-blooded will find (nearly) tragick;
after which we ponder a prophetick Dream and thereafter begin our
Voyage to London.
Book II
I In which our Heroine first makes an intimate Acquaintance with the Great
City of London, and what befell her upon her historick Arrival there.
II Some Animadversions upon the Author of that Notorious Book, Memoirs
of a Woman of Pleasure, or Fanny Hill, together with our Heroine’s True
and Compleat Recital of what really happen’d during her Initiation into
Mother Coxtart’s Brothel, her first Visit to a London Draper’s, and a
most astonishing Message from the Ghost of Robin Hood.
III In which our Fanny meets a Frog who thinks himself a Prince and loses
her Virginity for the second Time (which Doubting Thomases may
profess to be impossible, but Readers wise in the Wicked Ways of the
World will credit).
IV In which we follow Fanny to Mrs. Skinner’s Emporium, are initiated into
some Mysteries to which Wise Women have been privy thro’out the
Centuries, and subsequently make our Descent into London’s own
Hades, namely, Newgate Prison.
V Fanny’s Flight thro’ London; Dissension in the Body Politick, and a most
amazing Revolution, which Whigs will applaud but Tories may grumble
of; after which our Heroine learns sev’ral important Lessons, which we
hope will help her her whole Life long, but ne’ertheless is mov’d to an
Act of great Desperation which causes her untold Anguish and Agony.
VI Containing a short Sketch of the celebrated Dean Swift of Dublin, Author,
Misanthrope, and Horse-Fancier extraordinaire; together with some
philosophical and moral Lessons which our Heroine drew from her
curious Friendship with him.
VII Of Fanny’s Acquaintance with those two curious Figures, Mr. William
Hogarth and Master John Cleland; their opposing Views of her
Character, their Predilections both in Life and Art; together with our
Heroine’s Motives in composing this True and Compleat History of her
exotick and adventurous Life.
VIII In which we look in upon Mr. Lancelot Robinson in Newgate Prison and
learn what hath transpir’d with him whilst our Fanny was very much
Otherwise Engaged.
IX Containing a most edifying Excursion into the World of London Clubs, in
which our Heroine journeys to the Centre of the Earth, meets the Devil,
and finds him a more familiar Figure than she otherwise would have
guess’d.
X Of Love and Lust, Pan and Satan, Longing and Loyalty, and other such
lofty (or low) Matters; together with our Heroine’s Adventures at the
notorious George & Vulture Inn, and how (with the Aid of some of the
surviving Merry Men) she resolv’d the Dilemma of her Destiny.
XI Containing a most curious Exchange of Letters thro’ which our Fanny
learns more concerning the Capriciousness of Destiny than all her
Adventures have taught her until now; after which she is summon’d by
her one True love, as the Reader of this most stirring epistolary Chapter
shall shortly see.
XII Containing an Incident of a more tragick than comedic Kind, the Import
of which may not be Reveal’d for many Years, but which nonetheless
alters our Heroine’s Destiny most profoundly.
XIII Containing a most Edifying Comparison betwixt Life and a
Masquerade, as well as our Heroine’s Meditations upon Maternity and
the curious Bargain she struck with the Devil to ensure the safe Arrival
upon this Earth of her unborn Babe.
Book III
I How our Heroine spent her Confinement; a short Description of her Loyal
Servant, Susannah; some philosophical Meditations upon the Phases of
Childbirth, after which your Author enters into the Controversy (which
raged thro’out the Age) betwixt Midwives and Accoucheurs, and
thereafter gratefully ends the Chapter.
II Containing better Reasons than any which have yet appear’d for the happy
Delivery of Women by those of their own Sex, together with the
Introduction of the newest Character in our Historio-Comical Epick,
who, tho’ small, proves more Trouble to her Author in her Entrance upon
the Scene than any Personage of more prodigious Size.
III In which such surprizing Events occur that we dare not e’en hint of ’em
here, lest the Muse of Historio-Comical Epick Writing be very cross with
us and flee our House forthwith.
IV We are introduced to Prudence Feral, Wet-Nurse extraordinaire, and
your humble Author summarizes the current Controversy concerning
Wet-Nursing versus maternal Breast Feeding, to which she appends
some Views of her own, drawn from Experience (that greatest of all
Teachers).
V Containing the Character of a Cook, some useful Opinions upon the
Nature of Infants, our Heroine’s Attempts to find a new Wet-Nurse for
her Babe, and the compleat Contents of a Mother’s Nightmare.
VI In which our Heroine and her loyal Servant, Susannah, begin their
Apprenticeship at Sea, and learn that the Sailor’s Life is not an easy one,
tho’ the Ship hath scarce left the Dock.
VII Containing a Storm at Sea, a Scene which should perhaps be skipp’d
o’er by those with squeamish Stomachs, and the Entrance into our
History of the notorious Captain Whitehead.
VIII In which ’tis prov’d that Sea Captains are as lustful as they are reputed
to be, that Deists do not always make the best Lovers, and that many
Persons in their Erotick Habits crave that Treatment which, in Truth,
they deserve, in consequence of their Characters.
IX In which our Heroine learns more than she wishes to know about the
Nature of Distemper’d Lust; debates with the Surgeon (and indeed with
herself) about the Nature of Evil and whether anything we Mortals do
can assuage it; and loses an old Friend just as she hath made a new.
X In which our Heroine learns that no Man is such a Scoundrel that he doth
not wish to be an Author, that e’en Slavers account themselves patriotick
and virtuous, that the Sea is as full of Magick and Mystery as the Land,
and that Ships oft’ become Pyrate Prizes as much thro’ the Connivance
of their own Tars as thro’ any other Means.
XI Containing a better Explanation for the Prevalence of Pyracy than any
Authors, ancient or modern, have yet advanced; together with out
Heroine’s tragick but true Realization that most Revolutionaries are
none where Women are concern’d, and what ingenious Stratagem she
made Use of to alter this sad State of Affairs.
XII Containing divers Dialogues betwixt Lancelot, Horatio, and our Heroine
in which the History goes backward somewhat and we learn what these
Gentlemen have been doing whilst the Queen of our Narrative was
extending her Education and Adventures; thereto is added a brief History
of Buccaneering for the Reader who is bent upon the noble Cause of Self-
Improvement as well as the more pleasant one of Entertainment.
XIII In which our Heroine well and truly learns the Pyrate’s Craft, discovers
the Joys of Sailing (as she hath previously known only the Pains),