Fake Science 101: A Less-Than-Factual Guide to Our Amazing World

271 Pages·2012·4.38 MB·English

by  Phil Edwards

To my parents, who have always allowed me to
remain untethered from reality.
Copyright © 2012 by Phil Edwards affect your little brother’s future dramatically, though
All rights reserved. it should be clear that Fake Science 101 does not con-
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced done or encourage fratricide. Then again, can you really
in any form without permission from the publisher; be blamed if he keeps destroying everything you own
exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in and blames it on the fact that he’s “eight”? Seriously,
published reviews. when you were eight, weren’t you a more mature and
responsible person than that little dork? Of course you
Published by Adams Media, were, but guess who gets spoiled rotten because he’s the
a division of F+W Media, Inc. “baby” of the family? It’s time that the Golden Child
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A. faced consequences for his actions, and if that means
www.adamsmedia.com losing his life, then at least you’ll gain a little peace.
ISBN 10: 1-4405-2701-6 Illuminated Bible, Leonardo Da Vinci Sketches, Join
ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-2701-2 or Die poster, Nobel Coin, and Kopenicus images are
eISBN 10: 1-4405-3013-0 Public Domain.
eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-3013-5
All or part of space images on pages 48, 51, 53, 54,
Printed in China. 55, 62, 67, 70, 71, 73, 75, 76, 77, 80, 81, 82, 85, 86
Courtesy NASA. Image on page 57 Courtesy NASA/
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
JPL-Caltech.
If you find a copy of this book without the cover, it
All other photos © iStockphoto.com
may be stolen. Or the cover was ripped off by your
little brother. He gets away with everything. But not This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk
this time. Not this time. Let’s just say that this book purchases.
includes a very useful section on arsenic that will For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

Contents1
IntroductIon So, You Want to Be a Scientist 9
Introductory Quiz 10
chapter 1 WhAt is science? 11
Let Us Know If You Find Out
Your Incredibly Scientific Day 13
A History of Science 18
Doing Science Good 36
Quiz: What Is Science? 45
chapter 2 Astronomy 47
Learn How to Stare Into Space
The Universe and You 50
Our Solar System 64
Exploring Our Universe 78
Quiz: Astronomy 89
chapter 3 Biology 91
Even Grosser Than You Thought
Life: Probably a Good Thing 93
(Oh the) Humanity 120
Quiz: Biology 133
1 Many scientific books also include an “index” of the information covered in their pages. However, Fake Science 101 has learned that
indices require a lot of tedious work and an advanced knowledge of the alphabet. Pending further review, the index has been omitted
from this edition.
7
chapter 4 chemistry 135
Blowing Things Up with Science
The Things That Make Things 137
Your Favorite Chemicals 148
Exploding Through Chemistry 160
Quiz: Chemistry 169
chapter 5 eArth science 171
Making Nature Worth Your Time
Dirt, Lava, and More Dirt 174
Water: Wetter Than Dirt 191
The Atmosphere: Light as Air 196
Quiz: Earth Science 203
chapter 6 Physics 205
Making Movement Difficult
Classical Mechanics and You 208
Quantum Mechanics: It’s Easy! 222
Our Physics-y World 226
Quiz: Physics 235
chapter 7 you’re A scientist! 237
Nobels Don’t Win Themselves
Experimenting with Education 239
Living the Scientist Lifestyle 249
Science and Everybody Else 256
Quiz: You’re a Scientist! 265
AddendA 267
ABout the FAke science lABs 270
WARNING It is advised that you not read the entire book in one sitting.
The rapid influx of knowledge into your brain may cause your cerebral
cortex to explode.
INtRoductIoN
So, You Want to Be a Scientist
The world is full of questions, and science encountered science in your living room, unless
provides every answer.1 Once you learn these that was your television, not science. Still, the
answers, you’re guaranteed to half-remember lesson stands. Also, you should really upgrade
them for the rest of your life. Don’t wander to HDTV—the picture quality is amazing!
around the world without a clue about how By reading Fake Science 101, you’ll finally
things work when, instead, you can have a be able to answer all of life’s unanswerable
vague impression about how things work. If questions. Some of your answers may even
you’re uncertain about anything, science is be correct. But no matter what, they’ll all be
the answer. Maybe. answers. As long as you speak in a loud, clear
Science is all around us, waiting to be dis- voice and look the other person in the eye,
covered by somebody like you. And while they probably won’t even notice that you just
some people will insist that you need years said “physics” is spelled with an x.
of training, intellectual rigor, and medium So read on. We’ll cover biology, geology,
to high intelligence, those people probably and all the other top -ologies. If we remember
haven’t heard of this book. Please don’t tell chemistry and physix, we’ll talk about them
them about it, either. They’re the type of peo- too. Once you’re done, you can share the
ple who know lawyers. world’s secrets with your family and friends.
Who are scientists? Scientists are people If you don’t have family and friends, strangers
who invent amazing things and then, a few will suffice.
years later, invent new things to save us from When should you use Fake Science? Only
their earlier inventions.2 Scientists are people use it when the facts are too confusing. So, in
who shout the truth to the world through simpler terms, you should use it all the time.
dense articles in scientific journals that circu-
late to eight, or even twelve, people. Scientists »Scientific fact
bunk and then debunk our continually amaz- “Introductions” are
ing world. useful tools to make
textbook authors
Derived from the word scio, which means
believe that someone
“hard” in Latin, science has guided our cul- actually cares what
they think.
ture for thousands—if not billions—of
years. There’s a good chance you’ve already
1 Question: Will you go out with me? Answer: Evolution and Sally McNerney both say “No.”
2 Scientists will be critical in the future, when the giant refrigerator they build to counteract global warming gives all the polar bears
Freon poisoning.
9
10 Fake Science 101
Introductory Quiz
Multiple choice essay Questions
1. What does science provide the answer to? 1. Write your own 3,000-word introduction to
a. Everything Fake Science 101 and craft a short note giv-
b. Naughty questions ing the rights for Fake Science to use it in a
c. Man’s existential void
future edition of this book. Please send it to
d. This quiz
the Fake Science lab as soon as possible,
2. Where does the word science come from?
preferably typed. But really, anything will be
a. No one knows
accepted. These deadlines are brutal.
b. Inside a volcano
c. Scientists invented it
d. A mixture of benzene and butterfly kisses
3. Why should you pursue science as a career?
a. A chance to confuse your friends
b. An opportunity to have journalists misinter-
pret your theories
c. It’s cooler than math
d. Tap dancing doesn’t pay like it used to
Short answer
1. Is it possible to have too short a chapter for
2. Science and the arts occasionally have a
a chapter quiz? If so, why are you so lazy?
strained relationship. Still, it’s important
to learn about the arts. Write a short essay
about what you would do if you met a poet, a
musician, and an artist. Then describe how
you would use science to cure them so they
could do something useful with their lives.
2. Scientists around the world work hard every
day. Whose work do you want to coast off of?
How will you pay for the inevitable lawsuits?
chAPter 1
WhAt
WhAt
is
is ?
science
?
science
let us knoW iF you Find out
Before You Start This Chapter . . .
• Try to find a wealthy uncle who can name a species of plant after you.
• It’s time to set childish things aside, burn them, and then write a brief paper about the
chemical reaction.
• Science requires discipline, so before you start reading, destroy all the baked goods
and poetry books in your home.
• Skim this textbook at least once so you can become acclimated to the smell.
• Say goodbye to your loved ones and pets.
• Purchase a second copy of this textbook so you can frame each page of your first copy.
• Take down any shelves and paintings in your bedroom to make space for “Silly Ein-
stein” posters.
• Jump in the air while your mind is still empty.
• Practice turning pages so you can read with maximum efficiency.
1111
12 Fake Science 101
What You’ll Be Devoting Your Life to
To become a scientist, you must first understand what science is. If
that’s not an option, you should at least pretend you understand it.1
If you haven’t read this textbook already, the only excuse is that
you’re a toddler and are just learning how to read. You’ve made the
right choice for your first book, since most published text is downhill
from here. That’s because the subject matter of this textbook is of the
utmost importance. If you don’t know what the word “utmost” means,
just move on and start memorizing chemical formulae, because ammo-
nium nitrate doesn’t care about your vocabulary.
Science is one of man’s highest pursuits, when there’s time for it.
Whether it’s sending billionaires into space or finding new ways to
wax body hair, science helps mankind achieve its greatest goals. If
you’ve ever gawked at the amazing inventions on late-night television
or enjoyed a luxurious tanning salon, they exist because the inventor
once talked to, met, or saw a scientist.2
It’s not just about inventions, though. It’s
about discovering our amazing world. For
example, did you know that the average rain-
forest has 6,212 endangered species?3 Or that
the laws of physics govern the entire universe?4
Scientists discovered those facts after years of
research and a lot of drinking.
Let’s learn how every day of your life is
touched by science.
The discovery of microscopes aided science significantly.
1 One easy way to indicate your knowledge is to ask small children questions and then laugh at their responses. Apparently, Lucy Chil-
dress down the street thinks that we’re all stork babies.
2 The Combo Cucumber Slicer/Back Massager 5000 didn’t invent itself. And for four monthly payments of $49.99, you can’t afford to
pass it up!
3 It’s now down to 6,194.
4 Including no shirt, no shoes, no service.