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ExponentI I
CONTENTS
EDITORIAL STAFF
Editor
Nancy T. Dredge
Associate Editors
Editorial Sisters Speak: Stepparenting
Kate Holbrook
Step by Step 3 Exhilaration of Victory 18 Mikelle Fisher Eastley
Heather Sundahl
Mikelle Fisher Eastley Nancy Pontius
Designers
Nancy T. Dredge
Let’s Blend! 4 OnT-Shirts and Bumpers: How Mikelle Fisher Eastley
RateCoombs Well-Behaved Women Make History 20 Jan George
Kathy Foley
Laurel T. Ulrich
Sarah Hogan
Stepparenting 101 6 Business Manager
Debra Munk Cultivating Dissonance 24 Barbara Streeper Taylor
Sarah Hogan Website Manager
Stacey Ball Petrey
My So-Called Family 7
Poetry Editor
Jana Caylor Bowcut By Hand
Ann Stone
Ribbon Box 26
Staff
The Joys of Stepmotherhood 10 Mikelle Fisher Eastley Kimberly Burnett
Name Withheld Linda Kimball
Amy Peterson
A Summer for Denon 28 Sylvia Russell
On Being a Stepchild 1a ore Ceara Kori Tueller
Ann Johnson
EXECUTIVE BOARD
Review: Lucy’s Book by Lavina F. Anderson
President
Living in a State of Perpetual
16 Lucy's Book and the Search for an Emily Clyde-Curtis
Surprise
Authentic History 30 Secretary
Linda Wilkins
Robin Zenger Baker
Joanne Baird Giordano
Treasurer
Barbara Streeper Taylor
Historian
Cheryl Howard DiVito
Cover design by Lena Dibble. Lena ts originally from Somerset,
Members
England. Currently, she coordinates an anti-tobacco media
Linda Andrews, Robin Zenger Baker,
campaign for the Utah Department of Health. She doesn’t Emily Clyde-Curtis, Cheryl Howard
DiVito, Nancy Tate Dredge, Judy
date smokers.
Rasmussen Dushku, Mikelle Fisher
Eastley, Sarah Farmer, Anne Lantz
Gavin, Karen Call Haglund, Kate
Holbrook, Stacey Ball Petrey, Carrel
Submissions to Exponent II Hilton Sheldon, Heather Sundahl,
Barbara Streeper Taylor
We welcome your personal essays, articles, poetry, and fiction. We focus on—but do not publish
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are assumed intended for publication in
whole or in part and may therefore be
The purpose of Exponent II is to provide a forum for Mormon women to share their life experiences in an used for such purposes.
atmosphere of trust and acceptance. This exchange allows us to better understand each other and shape the
Copyright © 2002 by Exponent II,
direction of our lives. Our common bond is our connection to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Incorporated. All rights reserved.
and our commitment to women. We publish this paper as a living history in celebration of the strength and
diversity of women.
Exponent I
Editorial
Step by Step
by Mikelle Fisher Eastley communicate and know them well. I taught dramatically different things
lived thousands of miles away and at their mother’s home.
rarely saw them, so it didn’t seem
y parents divorced just
M before I graduated from worth the effort. As you will read in this issue of
college. Each of them Exonent II, the issues surrounding
remarried within a year and then My younger brother and sister did, blended families and stepparenting
divorced and remarried in the next however, have to be part of those are common. Children often feel little
few years. new stepfamilies. My father’s first desire to adopt new parents, and
wife had five daughters who had stepparents have difficulty finding
During those years, my brothers and three fathers among them. They each answers to the question of how to
sisters and I struggled to establish a had very troubling stories to tell about parent the stepchildren.
their fathers and had concluded that
new family identity. With our parents
living in different cities and with new men were generally not to be trusted. Our desire in publishing this issue is
spouses and stepchildren, we found it Every small infraction that my Dad that those of you who are struggling
difficult to schedule vacations, holidays, and brother made reinforced the idea, with these challenges will find some
and phone calls with each parent and eventually they moved out. comfort and support in the experi-
without making the other feel jealous. ences of others. As you read these
They unwittingly competed for our My mother’s first new husband stories, we hope that you will identify
abused her and my sister, and it was some pitfalls to avoid and discover
time and attention, and we clumsily
not a few nights that my little sister ideas for improving your family rela-
attempted to pacify each parent with
small gestures of kindness. We faced would call me in tears, not knowing tionships. Many have eventually
what to do. Thankfully, my Mom found a rhythm and system that
many difficult and unfamiliar
divorced him after a few years and works, but not without a strong sup-
challenges during those years.
remarried a more likable fellow. port system and community. It is our
wish that this issue will give you
Those challenges were compounded
by our parents’ new stepfamilies. As My older sister also divorced her first some examples of how they did it. We
my parents worked to build relation- husband and remarried a man who also hope that this issue will help
had custody of his two young those of you who are not stepparents
ships with their new spouses and
children. His ex-wife held very nor in blended families to glean some
stepchildren, my brothers and sisters
different values from my sister and understanding of the issues facing
and I tried to familiarize ourselves
my brother-in-law, and over the last blended families in order to help
with our new stepfamilies. I,
ten years, they have struggled with provide the support and empathy
personally, did a poor job of it in that
I failed to internalize the need to how to parent children who are that your “stepsisters” might need. X
Announcing the 12th Annual Helen Candland Stark Essay Contest
Whether you're a “long time reader, mention essays will also be printed in e-mail to [email protected] or
first time writer” or a seasoned pro the paper, and all other submissions submit disks or hard copy entries to
at putting your life in print, we invite will be passed on to our Readers Essay Contest, Exponent II, P.O. Box
you to enter this year’s personal Committee for consideration. We have 128, Arlington, MA 02476.
essay contest. This is your chance to published many of these essays in
tell us your story —and possibly to past issues of Exponent II. If you have any questions about the
win some money. First place will be contest, please e-mail or write to us at
awarded $300 and will be published The deadline for submissions is the above addresses.
in the newspaper. Any honorable February 1, 2003. Mail your entries by
Summer 2002
Let’s Blend!
by Kate Coombs them they will get better at blending colors side by side and coax bits of
and at reading. In the same way, each across to the other with careful
members of a newly blended family brushstrokes — yet the process still
s a first-grade teacher, I
may seem unconvinced that it could tends to show itself in the finished
A implement a “back to
basics” phonics program ever work out. Sometimes parents product. However, acrylics have
just have to take turns having faith their own gifts. Watercolor, that
that emphasizes blending letter
in the process on behalf of everyone old-fashioned favorite, is capable of
sounds together to decode words.
else. I say take turns because they’re creating supremely delicate
So every day I write ranks of words
likely to falter, as well, and it might paintings, but it is also known by
up on the boar— sdhip , shop, short,
help to treat the whole thing like a frustrated painters as the “least
shin—and say brightly, “Let’s
La) really long relay race as they try to forgiving” of all paint mediums.
blend!” The kids groan.
shore each other and the family up, One false move, and you’re in deep
Fo
alternately lagging or forging ahead. trouble. Mistakes stay forever.
“Ms. Coombs,” Kevin announces, “I
hate blending.”
no) Blending has taken on another Acrylics are a recent innovation—
meaning in my life. Twice a week, literally, “plastic paint.” They have a
I reach for back-up, evoking
Y stronger, perhaps
previous brain-
me) washing: “Why do we cruder look than
watercolors. But
blend, everyone?”
= you can paint right
w over your
“So we can learn to
= mistakes, and
read,” the others
they won’t show.
chorus dutifully.
Sometimes a layer
jaa
of acrylic medium
Kevin sits back,
™— scowling. And we is needed in order
ON forge ahead, shoving to correct serious
“light over dark”
the odd grunts and
a
problems, but
sighs of our language
s into shapes that take even so, acrylics
Linda Hoffman Kimball
are very forgiving.
on meanings.
There’s always
=
I attend a painting class where, hope with acrylics!
Blending words, blending lives. No
mercifully, the curmudgeonly
Y one claims blending is easy. In fact,
7s the expression “oil and water” teacher lets me pursue my own All of which reminds me of families.
projects. I switched from watercolor Dainty watercolor landscapes and
comes to mind. Marrying someone
os
to acrylics this year, and I’m trying floral pieces make me think of
requires blending two unique lives
to learn the tricks of this new my great-aunt’s old-fashioned
and sometimes hauling a set of
as medium. One key challenge is marriage: It had a lovely superficial
young personalities along for the
blending two colors together when appearance, but the errors were
ride. Yet, like kids who eventually
they meet on the paper —for fundamental and irredeemable.
learn to read through phonetic
example, when yellow gradually Despite my great-uncle’s relentless
blending, those moaning and
shifts to pink in a sunset sky. With verbal and emotional abuse, society
groaning family members can
watercolors, the water helps you in general—and the church in
discover the pay-off: the creative act
blend the paint. After a lot of particular— did not consider divorce
of making a family, which is even
practice, you can graduate from one an option. My great-aunt stayed in
more difficult and rewarding than
color to another relatively smoothly. the miserable corner she’d painted
creating meaning through literacy.
herself into for decades.
I can tell my first graders don’t Acrylics, on the other hand, are less
inclined to blend. You put two It’s true that divorce is a “quick fix”
really believe me when I promise
Exponent II
for too many people in our society. who is married for the second time. walks of life. I tried to seek out those
But for some women, it is a needed So I now have an extra family that who represented different life
and welcome escape from a lifetime includes a half-brother, a step- experiences and cultures in order to
of misery. It has also led toa brother, and a stepmother. understand the myriad ways of the
proliferation of blended families. amazing individuals scattered across
While I consider my “adoptive,” our planet.
I like to think of today’s blended sealed family to be my real family, |
families as acrylic paintings. The chose to widen my circle of friends Although my experience of family
need to integrate the bits and pieces and relatives in order to get to know blending is a little unusual, I think it
of various homes is not easy, and my birth family. I have found myself reflects a basic truth of life on earth:
the brushstrokes show during thoroughly enjoying my
blending and even after. Yet it is friendship with my birth
also possible to paint over mistakes father’s wife, Bonnie.
through the “try and try again” Although not a member of
approach to daily life together. the church, she’s a
classic Exponent II
In some cases, a medium or mediary woman -— thoughtful and
in the form of family counseling artistic, a person of varied
may help families blend as they and complex interests. Our
overcome past pains. The results can tentative initial friendship
be very beautiful. Acrylics are has grown with a little
known for their strong, bright water and sunlight, and I
colors, and a blended family, in the am glad to have her in my
process of mending one another's life by whatever means she
pain, becomes a powerful force for might have appeared.
compassion and light in this world.
Being adopted had long
Although I am not married, I partici- prompted me to consider
pate in family blending in my own family more loosely than
way. As a teacher, I watch the effects most people do. Being a
on kids of families splitting apart member of the Church and
and coming together like a gang of cognizant of the plan of
Linda Hoffman Kimball
amoebas. I say “watch,” but I end salvation has cast things in
up reaching out to comfort children a different light. “Sealing is thicker that we are here to form relation-
who show the stresses of these vast than blood,” I used to say. Besides, ships with a wide range of individu-
and disturbing changes in their lives. basic doctrine implied that the set- als and through those experiences to
up here on earth was more artificial practice the difficult and all-impor-
My own immediate family often than genetics made it appear: We tant attribute of charity. Your visit-
seems blended to observers. There were all spirit children of Go—d si b- ing teacher, your oddball officemate,
are seven of us siblings, all adopted, lin—g prsio r to this life and were your sister-in-law, the man behind
and we are variously of Filipino, assigned somewhat arbitrarily to you in line at the grocery store, and,
wpaepgu altg/Surjuare
Korean, Samoan, and Caucasian family groups. (The fact that our of course, a stepchild — each has gifts
descent. People always wonder spirits are thought to look like our to offer, and gifts to receive. X
what it’s been like for us to grow bodies raises chicken-or-eg¢
up together. Good and bad, I'd say. theological puzzles, but still!) Kate is from Los Angeles, California.
But isn’t that true of all families, She recently left her high-paying job
however they were formed? I grew up ina home in which family as a first-grade teacher to pursue the
was emphasized almost to the extent garret-and-bread existence of a free-lance
Oddly enough, I acquired a step- of excluding outsid—e wrhisch I felt writer of everything from screenplays to
mother at the age of thirty-three left us cut off from “the family of poetry. Her first children’s book 1s under
without ever having to become a man.” As I grew older and went contract at Simon & Schuster and due
child of divorce. My birth mother away to college and later on a mis- out fall 2004 if the illustrator can finish
tracked me down, and then she put sion to Argentina, I broadened my her other projects and get to it.
me in touch with my birth father, horizons to include friends from all
Summer 2002
Stepparenting 101: A Mother's Perspective
by Debra Munk children the pain of their early-adult
decisions? The reasons have slowly
become apparent to me. So far this is
tepparenting is essentially
what I’ve come up with:
GS parenting with flatter ups and
deeper downs. As a step-
1) It’s hard to parent someone else’s
mother, there have been times I
children. When parents give birth to
have felt extremely successful and
a child, together they develop
times I have felt an abysmal failure.
parenting styles and roles. Russ and
Right now I probably fall some-
I could not have been more opposite
where in between. But my experi-
in our approaches, and in fifteen
ence of the past fifteen years has
years we have not drawn much
taught me that my condition can
closer. I ascribe to a more behavior-
change at any time. Being a step-
ist approach, consistently meting
parent has been the hardest thing I Large for his age, he was smart,
out rewards and punishments as
have ever done. It has brought out sweet, and extremely manipulative.
the absolute best and worst in me. I needed. Russ, ever the kind-hearted,
believes that simply talking to a
surprise myself continually. In a recent conversation, a friend
child about his/her behavior will
said to me, “Debra, I have always
change it. My continuing frustration
Like most prospective stepparents, admired your reasoning and good
has been that this approach with his
I did not know what I was getting decision making. But what on earth
children never changed their
into when I married my husband in possessed you to marry Russ— given
negative behaviors.
1987. Coming off a tumultuous those three kids?” I’ve thought long
divorce with four young children, I and hard about that question. The
was anxious to put my family answer is pretty obvious —and prob- By contrast, our contrary approaches
have worked quite well with my
together again. Harvard-educated, ably not that uncommon: I fell in love,
children. Iam the “heavy” and Russ
sufficiently religious, witty, and and I greatly overestimated my abilities.
is the ever-wise counselor. I believe
kind, Russ seemed like the perfect
his children would have benefited
catch, particularly in comparison to Actually, there are some pretty good
from a similar approach but, as I
the other bozos I had dated, mainly reasons for my pre-marriage over-
in the church. My instincts about confidence. Up to that point, I had learned for myself, only the natural
parent can be the “heavy” —a diffi-
him turned out to be accurate. I was raised four pretty solid kids myself
dead wrong about his kids. in spite of the divorce and dealing cult, if not impossible, role for Russ.
jPae nting/Blendewitdh t heir gay father. I was an
2) A parent is impossible to replace. As
Russ came with three youngsters, all experienced high school English
a parent and from working with
who had problems with a capital P. teacher who had yet to meet a
hundreds of children in middle and
At the time of our marriage, Laura, student I could not work with. In
high schools, I have had numerous
the oldest, was seventeen and four addition, most of my callings in the
experiences helping young people
months pregnant with the child of church were in the Young Women’s
cope with the death of a parent. My
a high school dropout with drug program. I knew about kids, and I
own children lost their father to
problems. Dan, fifteen, was simply thought I could take these three
AIDS eight years ago. From this
angry. Probably the closest of the youngsters and turn them around.
experience, I have come to the
children to his mother, who had
conclusion that missing parents are
died of ovarian cancer the year While in time all three have rallied
irreplaceable — especially mothers.
before, he was set against the to become responsible adults, I feel I
marriage and did what he could deserve little of the credit. The harsh
One thing I did know coming into
to make the entire family miserable realities of life—like the need to
my marriage was that I was taking
for the next three years that he lived work to feed, clothe, and house one- the place of an angel. Margaret
at home. Eight-year-old Andrew self —d id the teaching and eventual-
Rampton Munk, Russ’s first wife,
had severe(undiagnosed) ADD, ly produced the changes in each.
was an exceptional person, and her
learning disabilities, and enuresis. So why could I not save these
continued on page 8
Exponent II
My So-Called Family: A Daughter's Perspective
by Jana Caylor Bowcut watermelons thrown, voices raised. of my parents’ energy went into
And that was typical of a good day. dealing with Russ’s kids, which |
felt shortchanged the rest of us. I
nly once do I remember
By far the most difficult part of oftentimes felt that I wasn’t part of a
() telling Russ he wasn’t my
being a member of a blended family family but that I was living ina
“real” father. Not surpris-
for me was having stepsiblings. My group home for kids. I remember
ingly, it was the result of a deserving
parents’ courtship and engagement wishing that I were anywhere else
punishment for my opting to attend
an evening high school activity lasted only five months; therefore, but home.
the two sets of children really didn’t
instead of picking him up from the
have much of a chance to get to Working together as a family was a
subway. “You're not my real
father /mother” seems to be the uni- know each other. Before we knew it, foreign concept. Family vacations
our parents were married, and we were exhausting, and family home
versal phrase a stepchild musters up
were living in one household. evenings consisted of a weekly plan-
when he/she can’t think of anything
ning session and a gripe session. (I
worse to say, although I suspect
With each family having operated think I hold the record for the
Russ considered this more of a com-
under different rules and expecta- longest list of gripes.) Russ soon
forting reminder than anything.
tions, my parents had to figure out a implemented our family motto: “Tf
way to integrate the two peacefully. you can’t say something nice, don’t
Russ has been my stepdad for
My siblings and I were not perfect say anything at all.” (This was
fifteen years. I’ve spent just as much
children, but my stepsiblings revised by my stepbrother, Andrew:
time as his daughter as I did my
seemed to require much more “If you can’t say something nice, say
dad’s (my dad died in 1992). When I
discipline and attention. One con- something rude.” Everyone seemed
reflect upon the early years of my
tributing factor was that Russ’s kids to prefer Andrew’s version.)
mom’s and Russ’s marriage, I know
were simply not ready for the reor-
that we all floundered, not really
ganization of their family. With their Having my dad live just twenty-five
sure how all nine of us were
mom having died only a year before minutes away provided an outlet for
supposed to fit together as a family.
my parents’ five-month courtship, me. My siblings and I spent
Russell entered into the marriage
they didn’t have much time to get Wednesdays (after school) and
with my mother with three children
used to the idea of a new step- Saturdays with my dad, which
(whom he and his first wife had
mother and four new stepsiblings. allowed us to escape from the chaos
adopted), all with behavioral and
emotional issues. Not only had they My mom, on the other hand, had of home. My dad also took us for a
lost their mother to cancer the year been single for three years and, even two-week vacation every summer,
though her marriage to someone which I always looked forward to.
before, but his oldest was seventeen
other than my dad was difficult for My brothers and sister are my best
and pregnant at the time. My mom
us children, we were prepared for it.
came with four kids, who had not continued on page 12
only been through their parents’
rei
The first photograph of our blended
divorce and had spent three years in
family was taken outside the tem-
a single-parent household but were
ple after my mom and Russ were
learning to cope with a gay father
married. Our parents are standing
and his accompanying lifestyle.
together, looking radiant and
happy, surrounded by the seven
I’m certain that a number of out-
children, also looking happy—with 7s
siders observed this new blended
the exception of Dan, the second
family and thought it was a train
wreck waiting to happen. And, oldest of Russ’s kids, who refused
to stand any closer than three feet
actually, there were a number of
from everyone else. Dan was my
train wrecks: names were called,
first indication that there were
feelings hurt, things stolen, lies told,
going to be some tough times
doors slammed, windows broken,
ahead. It often appeared that more
curse words spoken, rumors spread,
Summer 2002
Stepparenting 101 continued from page 6
loss was a blow to Russ, his impact that the blended situation were behaving. His sadness that
children, and a large community of would have at times on the children. they had lost their mother contributed
friends. Like me, Russ was anxious Sometimes we both wondered if the to his reluctance to exercise a tough
to put his life back together after the cost of their hostility toward each love approach that may have brought
loss of his spouse. However, marry- other was worth the gain of having them under control. I came into the
ing only a year after Meg’s death two loving parents in their lives. picture after things had gone awry
may have been premature both for and had to begin my relationship
him and his children. Furthermore, 5) Children come before new spouses — with his children when they were the
had I felt less threatened by her at least at first. For some reason, I most difficult. Perhaps I would have
memory, I would have been more thought that when faced with a coped better with their problems
sensitive to both his and his choice between my needs and those had I been able to bond with them
oO children’s suffering. I believe that of his children, my husband would in more peaceful times.
— Dan’s suffering from his mother’s place me first—
loss was acute, and I wish now | another expecta-
had been more understanding. tion that was
pretty much
so) 3) A stepparent will always like his/her shattered early
own children better —at least in the on in the mar-
Y
beginning. Russ’s and my youngest riage. Second
ae) children were both named Andrew marriages are
and were two years apart. The boys not like first
=
generally got along okay together, marriages. In
even though they were polar oppo- first marriages,
VY
sites. Soon after we were married, a couple begins
my stepson Andrew asked me, by building
feted “Which of the Andrews do you like their own
the best?” I, of course, responded relationship
>a l
that I liked them both equally, but I first — before
On knew I was lying. I believe any adding children to the mix. In 7. Through no fault of their own, step-
stepparent presented with the same second marriages, the parent-child children can be a great source of resent-
question who gives the same answer bond is established long before the ment. Stepchildren are a constant
o ym would be lying. Of course, this does marriage relationship. In the begin- reminder that your husband or wife
not mean that stepparents cannot ning, Russ and I were more closely loved someone as much—and
wie!
grow to love their stepchildren. In bonded to our own children than to maybe more—as he/she loves you.
c
spite of all the problems we had each other. We had had many more In addition, stepchildren take up
v with these children, I have come to years to build relationships with them. tim— teim e your spouse could be
love them very much— but it took time. spending with you or your children.
6) Whether a previous marriage ended Stepchildren use up resources —
a>) 4) Blended families are hard on the kids. through divorce or death, a parent will money, food, space, and so forth.
Just because a man and a women bring guilt to a second marriage and Even after they leave home, they can
fall in love, there is no guarantee will want to make up for his or her bring their problems into your life.
that their children will feel even the children’s pain. Often this guilt can
slightest fondness for their step- result in pretty indulged children 8. One advantage of stepparenting is
siblings. In fact, chances probably whose offensive behavior makes it that stepparents can be a positive force
are better that they will dislike hard for a new stepparent to like— in the lives of their stepchildren because
rather than like each other. Sibling let alone love —them. they are often more realistic about them
rivalry, a well-known dynamic in than their biological parent is and can
nuclear families, intensifies Because Russ’s children were so deal with them without layers of emo-
geometrically in blended families. difficult in the beginning, I tion or guilt. As a school administra-
The more children involved, the struggled to develop loving feelings tor, | frequently prefer dealing with
more extensive the disharmony. I toward them. Russ, a normal parent, the stepparent and not the parent
was not prepared for the negative loved them no matter how they when handling a problem student.
Exponent II
The stepparent is usually more family brought to the new family home and life without the baggage
objective and able to take a tough configuration —such as holiday of living in the environment of a for-
stand when necessary. traditions, rules for allowances, and mer family situation. The memories
routines for household chores. | of our blended family are now part
Occasionally, I have seen parents believe we would have blended of the brick and mortar of this house,
who, after recognizing that their more easily had we taken the time to and our children on both sides dis-
emotional baggage is getting in the write a family mission statement and courage us from selling it when we
way of effective parenting, turn the formally set up family rules before threaten to move to smaller quarters.
child over to the stepparent. In our living together. The negotiations in
family, when Russ acquiesced, I was our case would have been difficult. But most important, Russ and I have
able to facilitate Laura’s graduation However, I think developing the hung in there. No matter how awful
from high school, get Andrew diag- family goals and rules together before life in our family has been at times,
nosed and tested for his ADD, and joining the families would have beat we have never given up. To this day
get his enuresis under control. Russ, our system of “figuring it out as we we continue to work to strengthen
on the other hand, single-handedly went along” hands down. our family and to support each other
took over the college admission and each of our children.
process of my children, resulting in Finally, I believe our new family
college placements that I never would have benefited greatly from While my thoughts on this topic
would have thought possible. a consistent family counseling pro- may seem rather dark, I hope that I
gram during the early years of our have not given the impression that
All of the above I learned after the marriage. Counseling would have being a stepparent is not worth it.
honeymoon. I would advise anyone given us a neutral arena in which to The experience continues to refine
contemplating a marriage with vent problems and resolve issues as me and makes me exhibit strength
stepchildren to become aware of the the family was forming. We may not that other roles have not required —
factors — both good and bad — that have had fewer problems, but the even parenting my own children. As
are inevitably part of the blended scarring that resulted from dealing my stepchildren have become adults
family situation. The high rate of with them may have been less severe. and parents themselves, the bonds
divorce among second-marriage we struggled to develop at the
couples with children is proof enough Have we done anything right? Lots! beginning have finally taken hold. I
that the situation is difficult at best First, our activity in the church gave am genuinely proud of each of them
and sometimes even impossible. the family at least one common and appreciate their accomplish-
purpose. For example, during the ments and try to support them in
Yet, if Iw ere able to turn back the months my stepson Dan did not talk their struggles. I particularly have
clock to 1987, would I change my to me, I still attended each of his enjoyed the role of stepgrandmother
decision to marry Russ? Absolutely church basketball games and and love my stepgrandchildren as
not! However, I believe that there is cheered loudly for him. Russ took much as my own biological grand-
much we could have done fifteen the boys to Scout Camp, and we daughter.
years ago to ease our families into worked together as a family to
the new family configuration. achieve three Eagle Scout Awards. Blended families can be wonderful,
Family Home Evenings were but they are challenging. Anyone
First of all, we should have given the anything but spiritual, but we met contemplating such an arrangement
to-be stepsiblings months to get to together consistently to talk about ought to have her head examined
know each other and to let them problems and plan the week. first, and then roll up her sleeves for
spend time working and playing Sometimes when we sat together at the hardest work she will ever do. X
together and seeing each other in church, the tension among family
various situations. I also wish I had members was palpable, but we were Debra, who lives in Kensington,
spent more one-on-one time with the—t rogeethe r. Without the church, Maryland, currently applies lessons
each of my stepchildren before the I doubt we would have shared much learned from stepparenting to the princi-
wedding to have formed a personal as a family. palship of a high school in Frederick,
relationship with each of them. Maryland. Spare time is devoted to
Another good thing we did was to quilting, visiting grandchildren, and
Another challenge was our lack of each sell our respective homes and cheering for her other son Andrew, who
appreciation for and understanding buy a house together. This neutral plays football at Stanford University.
of the unique culture that each territory helped us create a new
Summer 2002
The Joys of Stepmotherhood
Name Withheld without hard feelings. So, we started Unfortunately, any experience I had
dating. David was kind. David was had with children was of limited
tepmother. Unlike mother, it is a a good man. When he proposed, value. Looking back on the last four
I accepted. years of marriage, I can see that the
_ word no one loves. It’s the
major problem in most of the
flipside, if you will, of mother.
That was the easy part. challenges I faced was being
Mother is a good word, a word asso-
unprepared: I didn’t understand the
ciated with love and acceptance, joy,
David had two children: a nineteen- children’s history, I was unable to
hearth, and home. Stepmother is a bad
word, one that conjurs up hate and year-old daughter, who was a adjust my expectations of their
sophomore in college, and a behavior quickly enough to meet
estrangement, jealousy, coldness, and
distance. No one ever aspires to be fourteen-year-old son who lived their needs without conflict, and I
with him. I have heard it said that didn’t realize how much I needed
one. No patriarchal blessin—I g'l l
women marry men with children expert advice.
bet —has ever told a young woman
because they want the man—but
that when she grows up she will be
they don’t want his children. This Parents who raise their children
a stepmother in Zion.
thinking may be the reason for all from infancy have a shared common
the evil stepmothers in the fairy past and, although there are many
There are no role models or great
tales. In my case, I intellectually changes that occur during adoles-
stories about wonderful stepmothers.
wanted the children to be a part of cence that bring parents angst, there
When we think of stepmothers, we
my life and to “parent” them, but I is at least an understanding of a
think of evil, nasty, horrid women
was totally unprepared for what child’s history and personality. A
who hate their stepchildren. What
that would mean with these particu- stepparent who moves into a home
do Hansel and Gretel, Snow White,
lar children and equally unprepared when the children are already
and Cinderella have in common?
to fulfill a role I didn’t understand. teenagers has none of these shared
The evil stepmother.
experiences to draw on. In addition,
Although David is not LDS, he and I dissolving a family is so traumatic
Stepmother. 1am one. And, of course,
share many of the same values. He that many children have unresolved
like every other female, I never
comes from wonderful parents who issues that continue to fester as they
thought the label would apply to
me. But, as life happens, I was single raised their three sons to be honest, grow older.
solid, upstanding citizens who
until I was forty-two years old. After
respect the women they are married I had asked David before we
a very brief and painful marriage to
to and support them as individuals. married to tell me about his
a confirmed philanderer and
sociopath, I was certain that I would Like me, David has never had sex marriage and his home life. He did
remain single for the rest of my with someone he wasn’t married to, so, but it has taken me several years
has never tried illegal drugs, has to even partly understand the
adult life. Then, six months after my
never cheated on his income tax. impact this home life had on his
divorce, a colleague at work threw
candy on my desk. Like me, David is a liberal thinker children. I finally realized that my
but lives his life very conservatively. stepchildren’s family life was very
Fpaa renting/Blended
I had always avoided dating chaotic for most of their childhood;
Even though I spent time with the the everyday interaction required to
people I worked with, feeling that
it was just too messy. But David children before we married, I was parent effectively was missing from
unaware of the challenges that I many aspects of their lives. David
was different. We had worked
would face as I started my new and I both had grown up in very
together for three years, and
role as stepmother. | naively stable homes. They had not.
everyone had nice things to say
assumed that because I was the
about him— quite an achievement
when the same people have eldest of five children, liked teens in David had ten years of wedded bliss
general, and had spent a lot of time and then ten years of hell. Things
worked with you for your entire
career. I just had a feeling that if around teens in the church, I would were fine until after his second child
things didn’t work out, we'd still be understand and be able to relate to was born, when his ex-wife began a
my stepchildren. long period of severe depression
able to look each other in the eye
Exponent II
