Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation

353 Pages·2004·1.22 MB·English

by  Jann Blackstone-Ford

EX-ETIQUETTE
FOR PARENTS

EX-ETIQUETTE
FOR PARENTS
Good Behavior After a
Divorce or Separation
Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A., and
Sharyl Jupe
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Blackstone-Ford, Jann.
Ex-etiquette for parents : good behavior after a divorce or
separation / Jann
Blackstone-Ford and Sharyl Jupe. — 1st ed.
p. cm.
ISBN 1-55652-551-6
1. Divorced parents. 2. Joint custody of children. 3.
Parenting. 4. Children of divorced parents. 5. Stepfamilies.
6. Interpersonal conflict. I. Jupe, Sharyl. II. Title.
HQ759.915.B54 2004
649′.1—dc22 2004006568
Bonus Families, Ex-Etiquette, and Bonus Mom are registered
trademarks of Bonus Families, Inc. All rights reserved.
Cover design: Emily Brackett, Visible Logic
Cover photo: Kevin Dodge/Masterfile
Author photo: Courtesy of Melanie Ford
Interior design: Scott Rattray, Rattray Design
© 2004 by Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A.
All rights reserved
First edition
Published by Chicago Review Press, Incorporated
814 North Franklin Street
Chicago, Illinois 60610
ISBN 1-555652-551-6
Printed in the United States of America
5 4 3 2 1
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments vii
Introduction ix
Part I: Basic Ex-Etiquette
Defining and Practicing Good Behavior After
Divorce or Separation
1. Laying the Groundwork 3
2. Everyday Ex-Etiquette 35
3. Remarriage or Integrating a New Partner 71
4. Getting Along with Your Spouse’s Ex (or Your
Ex’s New Partner) 99
Part II: Intermediate Ex-Etiquette
Parenting and Family-Building
5. Turning Your Stepfamily into a Bonusfamily 133
6. Ex-Etiquette for Bonusparents 165
7. Improving Extended Family Relations 195
Part III: Advanced Ex-Etiquette
Managing the Formalities
8. Introductions, Correspondence, and Other
Conventions 211
9. Babies, Weddings, Showers, and
Announcements 231
10. Holidays and Special Occasions 285
Bibliography 311
Resource Guide 312
Index 329
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Sharyl and I would like to thank our collective family for their
understanding while we were writing this book. It has been a long
process and we thank you, Larry, Mel, Anee, Steven, and Harleigh,
from the bottom of our hearts for your patience and unwavering
support.
We would also like to thank Dr. Susan Bartell for always “just
being an e-mail away,” for her constant support of the Bonus
Families movement, and the shots in the arm when we had
writer’s block. To Wendy Vainauskas for holding down the fort
and taking on the Bonus Families Support Group project when we
were in the midst of editing. To Dr. Mike Riera for his kindness,
enthusiasm, and true understanding of the Bonus Families move-
ment. To Cynthia Sherry, Lisa Reardon, and the staff at Chicago
Review Press for their enthusiasm and support while preparing
the manuscript. To our agent, Djana Pearson Morris, for always
keeping us focused. And, finally, to the parents and children who
contributed their stories and offered their insight, we thank you
for your candor and your sincere desire to help others. Without
you this book could not have been written.
vii

INTRODUCTION
The first time Sharyl and I met, the meeting was quite cordial.
My soon-to-be-husband, Larry, suggested that since he and his
ex shared equal custody of the kids, it was time for me to meet
the mother of his children. We met. That was it. I didn’t talk to
her again until after Larry and I were married six months later.
She had called him up, they were disagreeing very loudly (as
usual), and he just handed me the phone and walked out of the
room.
“Here,” he snapped before he left. “You talk to her. I can’t
anymore.”
“Huh?” I remember thinking. “I don’t want to talk to your
ex-wife!”
There I stood, phone in hand, waiting for him to return. He
didn’t, and as the seconds clicked by I envisioned Sharyl sitting on
the other end getting angrier and angrier. When we spoke, I was
prepared for the rant of a crazy woman. But much to my sur-
prise, that’s not what I heard at all. Instead, after I said hello, she
asked in a frustrated voice, “Jann, why does he hate me so
much?”
I have to admit, that question threw me. By this time Sharyl
and I had settled into our roles of ex and new wife, and neither
ix