Table Of Content“In Emotional Sobriety, Dr. Tian Dayton explains in helpful detail how
our hearts, minds, and spirits are wounded and what is needed to
recover. She describes neuroscience in lay terms so clinicians, recovering
people, and families are able to understand how and why our inner
selves struggle to find balance and peace. Her understanding of the
connections between mind, body, heart, and spirit are what have been
needed in the recovery field for a long time. We now have scientific
evidence as to why ‘recovery’ works. This is a masterful piece of work.
“When I wrote Another Chance and introduced the roles within the
addicted family system, we were in the beginning stages of truly
understanding the devastating effect that addiction and other serious
forms of dysfunction had on the entire family system. What we were
looking at was emotional imbalance that led to both personal and
familial imbalance. Today, neuroscience is ‘proving’ that the mind/body
treatment approaches we have been taking for the last three decades are
indeed evidence based.”
—Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, M.A.,
author of Another Chance, Founder of Onsite Workshops
“Bill W., cofounder of Alcoholics Anonymous in 1935, took eighteen
years to realize the importance of our emotions for a total and balanced
recovery. In the article ‘The Next Frontier: Emotional Sobriety’ he wrote
that once he addressed this aspect of his life, he was ‘given a quiet place
in bright sunshine.’ He had no scientific basis for this. As the founding
medical director at the Betty Ford Center, I taught that our emotions are
our ‘sixth sense’ and must be given great credence in our decisions. I had
no basis for this. Cellular memory studies and the field of psycho-neuro-
immunology are providing the basis for many of our metaphors
regarding the heart and our emotions. Dr. Dayton has proven once again
that she can interpret, apply, and lovingly teach new knowledge to us in
an understandable way. These are attributes of the great teacher she is.
—Joseph R. Cruse, M.D., Addictionologist and Founding
Medical Director, Betty Ford Center and Onsite Workshops, Inc.
“Emotional Sobriety will be a valued resource for all who want to have
a better understanding of the trauma of addiction, relationships, related
stress, the effect on families, and the biology that binds these together. It
provides insight into the importance of balance in our lives and
strategies for healing. A lack of emotional sobriety can lead to self-
medication and addiction, a problem that not infrequently destroys the
health and well-being of affected youth. Dr. Dayton describes how the
skills of emotional regulation are both built and undermined and offers
practical suggestions for getting back on track to a healthy lifestyle
supported by healthy relationships.”
—Hoover Adger, Jr., M.D., M.P.H., M.B.A.,
Professor of Pediatrics, Director, Adolescent Medicine; Faculty Leader;
Florence Sabin College; Johns Hopkins Medical Institutions
“When primary caregivers consistently allow a child to be
overstimulated or grossly understimulated, as can be the case in homes
where relationship trauma is present, the child may not learn how to
develop an affective range. Instead of being able to regulate emotions,
these individuals may bounce from one emotional extreme to another.
“In Emotional Sobriety, Dr. Dayton outlines the neurobiology and
neuropsychology of this emotional imbalance and with compassion and
beautiful clarity outlines the steps one can chose to achieve resilience
and healthy self-soothing. Emotional Sobriety is a beautiful creation from
a very beautiful person.”
—C.C. Nuckles, Ph.D.
“Emotional sobriety, recovery from relationship trauma, and resilience
are what we try to teach our clients each and every day in our
Codependency Program at Caron, where Dr. Dayton serves as Director of
Program Development & Staff Training. As Bill W. said, it is the next
‘frontier.’ We all need to learn how to live with ‘greater maturity and
balance.’ In this book, Tian Dayton shows us how.”
—Doug Tieman, President & CEO, Caron Treatment Centers in
Wernersville, PA, with facilities and offices in Boca Raton, FL;
Philadelphia, PA; New York, NY; and Bermuda.
“The right book at the right time—the addiction recovery community
is hungry for understanding and healing the chronic rifts and sores of
family trauma. Tian Dayton’s latest book, which integrates neurological
research, clinical insights, the arts, and practical exercises, affirms and
uplifts whole-family lifelong recovery.”
—Todd Whitmer, Vice President, Alumni & Development,
Father Martin’s Ashley
“Tian Dayton has written a book that not only helps people identify
personal patterns of behavior and emotions, and understand their roots,
but gives people the tools to begin to deal with life today, in a balanced
way. Her straightforward, caring style translates easily to the reader’s
daily lives including examples that will ring true for many and make
sense of memories and behaviors that may have confused people while
growing up. Tian helps individuals unlock the mysteries of their past and
enables them to understand connections to their current behaviors. It
provides the necessary tools to take action toward recovery and
wellness.”
—Kieth Arnold, Executive Director, Sierra Tucson
“We are an agency committed to creating a safe and just society. TASC
(Treatment Alternatives for Safe Communities) facilitates access to
treatment for drug-involved offenders and guides them on the path to
recovery. We see thousands of women and men whose adverse
childhood experiences have later manifested themselves in substance
abuse disorders and entry into the justice system. Emotional Sobriety
gives hope that the generational trauma of addiction can be healed, and
it offers tools to help individuals and families renew themselves in mind,
body, and spirit. This book is a must-read for those who want to
understand more about emotional development and resilience building.”
—Peter Palanca, Vice President, TASC, Inc. of Illinois
(Treatment Alternatives for Safe Communities)
“The beauty of Tian Dayton’s work is that she has continued to grow
and evolve. Emotional Sobriety is a necessary step if we’re going to get
beyond our addiction to drama and our story. Recovery is a pathway to
freedom and Tian is a guiding light on that pathway.”
—Lee McCormick, Founder and President of the Ranch recovery center
in Tennessee and director of Spirit Recovery Inc. program creator for
Alta Mira
Recovery Centers, author Spirit Recovery Meditation Journal
Emotional
Sobriety
From Relationship Trauma to
Resilience and Balance
Tian Dayton, Ph.D.
Health Communications, Inc.
Deerfield Beach, Florida
www.hcibooks.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Dayton, Tian.
Emotional sobriety : from relationship trauma to resilience and balance / Tian Dayton.
p. cm.
Includes index.
ISBN-13: 9780757398605 (trade paper)
ISBN-10: 0-7573-0609-8 (trade paper)
1. Emotions. I. Title.
BF531.D34 2007
152.4—dc22
2007037726
© 2007 Tian Dayton
All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be
reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic,
mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the
publisher.
HCI, its logos and marks are trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.
Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
3201 S.W. 15th Street
Deerfield Beach, FL 33442-8190
Cover design by Larissa Hise Henoch
Inside book design and formatting by Dawn Von Strolley Grove
To Mom with love and appreciation
Afta lipon
Other Books by Tian Dayton
Modern Mothering: How to Teach Kids to Say What They Feel and Feel What
They Say
The Living Stage: A Step-by-Step Guide to Psychodrama, Sociometry and
Group Psychotherapy (Tian Dayton and Zerka Moreno)
The Magic of Forgiveness: Emotional Freedom and Transformation at Midlife,
A Book for Women
Journey Through Womanhood: Meditations from Our Collective Soul
It’s My Life! A Workout for Your Mind
Trauma and Addiction: Ending the Cycle of Pain Through Emotional Literacy
Heartwounds: The Impact of Unresolved Trauma and Grief on Relationships
The Soul’s Companion
The Quiet Voice of Soul: How to Find Meaning in Ordinary Life
The Drama Within: Psychodrama and Experiential Therapy
Keeping Love Alive: Inspirations for Commitment
Daily Affirmations for Forgiving and Moving On
Daily Affirmations for Parents: How to Nurture Your Children and Renew
Yourself During the Ups and Downs of Parenthood
Drama Games: Techniques for Self-Development
Films and Videos
The Process
Contents
Acknowledgments
Introduction
1 What Is Emotional Sobriety?
2 The Emotional Body: How Our Bodies Process Emotion
3 The Biology of Love: Attachment and Self-Regulation
4 Attaching Words to Feeling States: Developing Emotional Literacy
5 When Kids Get Scared
6 Behind Closed Doors
7 Relationship Trauma
8 Self-Medicating: Trying to Feel Better Fast
9 Resilience: Thriving in Spite of the Odds
10 Mind/Body Memories: The Dynamics of Conscious and Unconscious
Memory
11 The Stabilizing Effect of Intimate Relationships
12 Passing on the Pain: What Am I Bringing into My Parenting?
13 Codependency Revisited
14 The Biology of Fear: Why Do I Think I Can’t Survive My Feelings?
15 How High States of Stress Contribute to Anxiety and Depression
16 Anger: What Is It All About? What Do I Do with It?
17 Grief: Cleansing the Wound
18 Healthy Self-Soothing and Natural Highs
19 The Experience of Pleasure: Play, Laughter, and Creativity
Description:Do you use substances or engage in compulsive activities to regulate your mood? Do you reach for something sweet, a couple of drinks, or a pack of cigarettes after a difficult day because you can't unwind without them? Do you race to the stores to spend away the day's frustrations or run around in c
