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THE DRAMA MAGAZINE FOR YOUNG PEOPLE
MARCH 2015
UPPER GRADES
Pygmalion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Craig Sodaro 2
Granny from Killarney. . . . . . .Anne Coulter Martens 11
DRAMATIZED CLASSICS
(FOR UPPER GRADES)
The Pardoner’s Tale. . . . . . . . . . . . .Geoffrey Chaucer 23
Adapted by Lowell Swortzell
The Open Window. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Saki 29
Adapted by Carol D. Wise
MIDDLE AND LOWER GRADES
Prince Roger and the Dastardly Marriage Plot
. . . . ................................ .....Amber Herrick 33
Stone Soup. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Amy Green 43
Zadig the Observant. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Margaret Hall 53
The Singing Bone. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Bruce Berger 57
PANTOMIME
(FOR ALL GRADES)
The Leak. . . . . . . . .Danni Robb and Michael Sturko 62
Terms of Use • Vol. 74, No. 5
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March 2015
Plays
Thedramamagazineforyoungpeople
What you’ll find in this issue. . .
For upper and middle grades
Pygmalion,byCraigSodaro
9 actors: 5 female, 4 male; 20 minutes. In this version of “My Fair Lady”—set in
AncientGreece—foolishsculptorsearchesinvainforhisperfectlovewhiledemand-
ingchangesinherspeech,manners,andpersonality.
GrannyfromKillarney,byAnneCoulterMartens
6actors:4female,2male;25minutes.PerfectforSt.Patrick’sDay:Shawnisgrant-
edthreewishesbyhisgreat-greatgrandmother,whourgeshimtochoosewisely—
whichhedoesn’t.Couldshehavebeenjustafigmentofhisimagination?
ThePardoner’sTale,adaptedfromGeoffreyChaucer’sCanterburyTalesby
LowellSwortzell
8actors:2male,1female,5maleorfemale;20minutes.Aclevertaleofgreed,thiev-
ery,fouldeeds,andrevengeaswelearnonceagainthatmoneyistherootofallevil.
TheOpenWindow,byH.H.Munro(Saki)andadaptedbyCarolD.Wise
4 actors: 2 male, 2 female; 15 minutes. A friendly young girl with an overactive
imaginationterrorizesananxiety-riddenvisitortoherfamily’shome.
For middle and lower grades
PrinceRogerandtheDastardlyMarriagePlot,byAmberHerrick
17+actors:3male,5female,2male/female,7+maleorfemaleextras;25minutes.
Arollickingplayfeaturingonebride,twogrooms,aKingandQueenwhocan’ttell
themapart,andawholekingdomfullofkindheartedsilliness.
StoneSoup,byAmyGreen
8actors:4female,4male;30minutes.Astrangerblowslikethetumbleweedinto
anunfriendlytownintheOldWest,withacookingpotandrecipeforstonesoup.
Through lies and trickery he manages to encourage the townspeople to share in a
communitymealthatbringsoutthefriendlinessineveryone.
ZadigtheObservant,adaptedbyMargaretHallfromastorybyVoltaire
10 actors: 2 male, 1 female, and 7 male/female; 10 minutes. Insightful reasoning
helpaningeniousyoungpeasantsolveamysteryandwinaplaceintheroyalcourt.
TheSingingBone,areadingplaybyBruceBerger
7 actors: 3 male, 1 female, and 3 male/female; 15 minutes. Two brothers accept
King’schallengetoslayawildboarthatisterrorizingtheKingdom,withonebroth-
erovercomingfamilydeceittowinthehandofthefairprincess.
For all grades
TheLeak,byDanniRobbandMichaelSturko
1maleorfemaleactor(inpantomime)andoffstagesoundeffects.Mimetriestoread
thenewspaperonlytoendupfightingtoplugthatdarnedwaterleak!
MARCH 2015 1
Upper Grades Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law.
Only current subscribers may use this
play (www.playsmagazine.com).
Pygmalion
“My Fair Lady” meets Ancient Greek sculptor.
Looking for love in all the wrong places! . . .
by Craig Sodaro
HOMER,thepoet racy. We’ve also got an awful lot of
artists painting and sculpting. I’ve
PYGMALION,asculptor
alwayswantedtobeasculptor,butmy
ADONIA,ayoungwoman talent is pretty limited. I whittle nice
little toothpicks and that’s about it.
APHRODITE,goddessoflove But I do have a tale about a sculptor,
and it’s very well known. I mean, it’s
THEO,arestaurantmaitre’d
even been turned into a movie and a
musical.It’sthestoryofMyFairLady,
DAPHNE,ayoungwoman
akaPygmalion.ButHollywoodalways
MEGADATES,herboyfriend hastogoforthebighappyending.Let
metellyoutherealstoryofPygmalion
PHOEBE,blinddate andhisfairlady.(HOMERsitsonone
of the benches. PYGMALION enters
GALATEA,astatue
left,followedbyADONIA.)
TIME:Long,longago. PYGMALION (Peevishly): You just did-
n’tfollowthedirections,Adonia!
SETTING:AncientGreece.Afewbenches
or blocks can be used for seating. ADONIA:Buthoney,Istuffedthegrape
Perhaps a pillar or two to suggest the leavesexactlylikeyoutoldmeto.
Greekmythologicalsetting.
PYGMALION: They didn’t taste like
AT RISE: HOMER enters right, whit- Mother’s!
tlingapieceofwood.
ADONIA (Sweetly): Maybe she didn’t
HOMER(Toaudience):Thishappensto quitegiveyouherexactrecipe,honey.
bewhathistorianswillcalltheGolden
Age of Greece. We’re a very creative PYGMALION:Motherwouldneverhave
bunchandrecentlyhavecomeupwith madeamistake.
things like poetry, drama, and democ-
2 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com
ADONIA:Maybeyoucopieditwrong. APHRODITE (Sighing): We’ve been
throughthisbefore,Pygmalion.
PYGMALION: I don’t make mistakes,
either! PYGMALION: But there’s something
wrongwitheverygirlImeet.
ADONIA:SoIguessthatleavesme.
APHRODITE:Korinnawasjustlovely.
PYGMALION: I’m sorry, Adonia, but I
don’t think we should see each other PYGMALION:Shehadflatfeet.
again.
APHRODITE:HowaboutHermia?
ADONIA:Butweweregoingtogetmar-
ried! You said you’d love me forever PYGMALION:Hideoushair.
andever.We’dneverbeapartandwe’d
watchthesunsetinourgoldenyears. APHRODITE:Hestra?
PYGMALION: Yeah, well, the sun just PYGMALION:Horriblehabits.
wentdown.Youjustdon’tstuffagrape
leafthewayIlikeitstuffed. APHRODITE:Hippolyta?
ADONIA: Oh, Pygmalion, everybody PYGMALION:Heinoushousekeeper.
toldmenottowastemytimewithyou
becauseyou’resoooooopicky.ButdidI APHRODITE: Surely you couldn’t find
listen?Oh,no!Ithoughtyoujustneed- faultwithTimo!ShewasMissAncient
ed a little love and caring. Well, they Greece!
were right! You’re a waste of time!
(ADONIA moves right, then turns PYGMALION:ExaggeratedEgo!
back.)Gostuffyourowngrapeleaves!
(ADONIAhuffsoffright.) APHRODITE: All right, all right, I’ll try
to set something up. Let’s see. . .O.K.,
PYGMALION: Well, of all the nerve! how about you show up at the Oracle
(Calls out)Aphrodite! Aphrodite! Oh, Café at nine sharp? The girl of your
sweet goddess of love. . .Pygmalion dreams will walk in and she’ll be car-
needs you. Bad. Like right now! ryingaredrose.Gotit?
(APHRODITEentersleft.)
PYGMALION: Oracle Café, nine o’clock,
APHRODITE(Sweetly,butsarcastically): redrose.Gotit.
Why, Pygmalion, one of my biggest
fans. APHRODITE:Andthisgalwillbeawin-
ner.
PYGMALION:Yougotmylastsacrifice?
PYGMALION: We’ll see. (APHRODITE
APHRODITE:Thethree-leggedgoat? rolls her eyes, exits left. PYGMALION
exitsright.HOMERstandsandmoves
PYGMALION:Kindaspecial,ha? downstage.)
APHRODITE: It sure had everybody HOMER: I guess because he was a
talking. So, what can I do for you this sculptorPygmalionwashardtoplease.
time,Pygmalion? I mean, he carved the most beautiful
statues that were famous all over
PYGMALION:Iwantagirlfriend. Greecefortheirbeauty.(THEOenters
right,followedbyPYGMALION.)
MARCH 2015 3
THEO: Let me show you to your table. DAPHNE:ButI’m—
(THEOmovestobenchwhereHOMER
hadbeensitting.) PYGMALION:Doyouwantdinnerornot?
HOMER: Excuse me, but that table’s DAPHNE:Idon’tquiteunderstand...
taken.
PYGMALION: She said you’d be a
THEO:Getlost,oldtimer!Thistableis dream...andshewasn’tlying!
reserved for the sculptor Pygmalion.
He’s the one who sculpted the statues DAPHNE: Thanks, but who’s this “she”
of Apollo and Artemis in front of the you’retalkingabout?
café.
PYGMALION:Aphrodite.
HOMER: Oh. To be honest, I think
Artemis’snoseisabittoobig. DAPHNE:Areyousomekindofnut?
THEO:Scram,Grandpa!(HOMERraces PYGMALION: Absolutely not. I’m a
offleft.)Sorryaboutthat,Pygmalion. famoussculptor.Andyouaremydate
fortonight.
PYGMALION (Sitting): There’s a critic
borneveryminute.I’llhavethestuffed DAPHNE (Offended):I am not! I think
grapeleaves...justlikeMotherusedto you’reverypushyandrude.
make.
PYGMALION: That’s beside the point.
THEO:Verygood,sir. Doyouknowhowtostuffgrapeleaves?
PYGMALION:Oh,andwhattimeisit? DAPHNE:No,butIknowjusthowtoget
creepslikeyouoffmyback!
THEO: I don’t know. We’ve only got a
sundialanditdoesn’tworkafterdark. PYGMALION:Oh,really?
(THEO exits left. PYGMALION looks
aroundnervously.) DAPHNE: Megadates! Megadates!
Whereareyou?(MEGADATES,abig,
PYGMALION:Iwonderwheresheis.It powerfulman,entersright.)
mustbealmosttime.(DAPHNEenters
right, carrying a rose. PYGMALION MEGADATES: Sorry about that, sweet-
clears his throat.) Ah, over here, my heart. I had trouble finding a parking
dear! placeforthechariot.
DAPHNE:Excuseme? PYGMALION: Sweetheart? Hey, what
gives?
PYGMALION:I’vebeenwaitingforyou.
DAPHNE:Thiscreep’shittingonme.
DAPHNE(Puzzled):Youhave?
MEGADATES(Menacingly):Oh,yeah?
PYGMALION:Ofcourse.I’mPygmalion.
PYGMALION: Just a second! Aphrodite
DAPHNE: Uh—O.K. My name is told me to be here to meet this rather
Daphne. rude young lady at nine o’clock. After
all,she’sgotaredrose.
PYGMALION:Well,don’tstandoncere-
mony.Sitdown. MEGADATES:Andyou’regonnahavea
4 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com
red nose! (MEGADATES slugs PYG- And then he painted the statue so it
MALION,whocrashestothefloor.) would be as lifelike as possible. He
pouredhiseverydesireintothestatue,
DAPHNE:Thenerveofsomepeople! andfinally,oneday...itwasfinished.
He even named the statue Galatea.
MEGADATES:IknewIshouldagotyou (PYGMALION wheels out statue of
ayellowrose. GALATEA. GALATEA sits on chair
with an expression of complete adora-
DAPHNE: Oh, Meggy, you’re too sweet tion on her face. The actress playing
for words! (DAPHNE and MEGA- thispartshouldsitinapositionthatis
DATESexitleftasPHOEBE,carrying comfortable enough to hold for several
aredrose,entersrightwithTHEO.) minutes. At this moment the statue is
coveredwithasheet.)
THEO(ToPHOEBE):Pygmalion?Why,
he’ssittingrighthere.(THEOnotices PYGMALION: Oh, my dear, dear
PYGMALIONonthefloor,holdinghis Galatea—themostbeautifulgirlfriend
nose.)Oh,dear!Whathappened? intheentireworld!
PYGMALION: Hey! You’ve got a red HOMER:Letusallseeher!
rose!Youmustbemydate.Givemea
handandhelpmeup.(PHOEBEhesi- PYGMALION:I’veputeverythingIwant
tates.) Well, c’mon! We don’t have all inagirlfriendintoherspirit.
night! (PHOEBE helps PYGMALION
up. He scratches himself on the rose.) HOMER:She’sbeautiful?
Ouch!Thatthing’sgotthorns!
PYGMALION:Gorgeous!
PHOEBE: Well, well—so do you! Here,
you can keep it! (PHOEBE tosses rose HOMER:Shecankeepacleanhouse?
onPYGMALIONandrunsoffright.)
PYGMALION: Better than Martha
PYGMALION(Grabbingrose):Ouch! Stewart.
THEO (Sighing): You win some, you HOMER:Shecanconverse?
lose some. You mostly lose some.
(THEOexitsright.PYGMALIONrises, PYGMALION:Likeatalkshowhost.
callsoutasheexitsright.)
HOMER:Butcanshecook?
PYGMALION:Aphrodite!Aphrodite!It’s
allyourfault!I’mcuttingyououtofmy PYGMALION:JustlikeMother!
life! You’re one lousy matchmaker!
(PYGMALIONisgone.HOMERenters HOMER: Well, then, let me help you!
left.) (HOMER and PYGMALION remove
thesheet.)
HOMER: Poor Pygmalion. Desperately
unhappy and quite willing to blame PYGMALION: Galatea! My beautiful
everyone else for his own faults, he Galatea!
threwhimselfintohiswork.Hedecid-
ed to create a statue of his ideal girl- HOMER (Walking around appraising-
friend. He worked for months and ly):Shecertainlyadoresyou.
months selecting the marble, cutting
the marble, carving the marble, then PYGMALION: That was number one on
polishing the marble to a high gloss. mylist.
MARCH 2015 5
HOMER:Well,Isupposethat’sfineand PYGMALION: You gods and goddesses
dandy—but she’s only a statue, after candoanythingyoulike.
all.(HOMERexitsright.)
APHRODITE:Look,Idon’tdomarble.
PYGMALION:Youdon’thavetoremind
me. Oh, Galatea, if only you’d just PYGMALION:Awww,c’mon,Aphrodite,
cometolife!Ifonlyyou’dtakeabreath please?Please?Prettyplease?
withyourlips,gazeuponmewithyour
eyes, hear the sound of my voice. APHRODITE: I thought you said you
Aphrodite! Aphrodite! Come to matured.
Pygmalion!(APHRODITEentersleft.)
PYGMALION: I did. All right, let’s do it
APHRODITE: What’s wrong now? I thisway.Theadultway.
thought you were through with me
afterthatfiascoattheOracleCafé. APHRODITE:Goon.
PYGMALION: Well, I’ve matured a bit PYGMALION: You bring Galatea to life
sincethen. andI’llneverbotheryouagain.
APHRODITE:Youbetterhavematureda APHRODITE: Never? Ever? Cross your
lot! heart and hope one of Zeus’s thunder-
boltsstrikesyoudeadifyougobackon
PYGMALION:Lookatmynewcreation. thedeal?
IcallherGalatea.
PYGMALION: Now who’s being imma-
APHRODITE:Youdidthis? ture?
PYGMALION: With my own two little APHRODITE: I just want to make sure
hands. I’mgettingthisstraight.
APHRODITE:Allbyyourself? PYGMALION:Dothisonethingforme,
andI’llneverbotheryouagain.
PYGMALION:Duh!
APHRODITE: I don’t have a clue why I
APHRODITE:She’salooker,allright. shouldtrustyou.
PYGMALION: And she’s a great house- PYGMALION: Because I’ve created my
keeper, she can carry on a conversa- perfect love. A girlfriend I’ll treasure
tion,andshecancooklikeMother. foreverandever!
APHRODITE: She’s a chunk of marble, APHRODITE:Andyou’llnevercallonme
Pygmalion.Shecan’tdoanything! again?
PYGMALION:Well,I’veheardtellthata PYGMALION: You’ll be rid of me just
goddesslikeyoucan... likea—a—
APHRODITE:Canwhat? APHRODITE:Caseofpsoriasis?
PYGMALION: Bring inanimate objects PYGMALION:Gross!But—O.K.
tolife.
APHRODITE:Scout’shonor?
APHRODITE:Sorry,P.Urbanlegend.
6 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com
PYGMALION: Sure, whatever that and looks at PYGMALION.) Galatea,
means! please,saysomething.Don’tyouknow
howtotalk?
APHRODITE:Standback.
GALATEA (In a humorous Brooklyn or
PYGMALION:Howfar? otheraccent):’CourseItalk!
APHRODITE:HowabouttoCleveland? PYGMALION (Shocked): Well, my
dear—would you like me to show you
PYGMALON:Where’sthat? thekitchen?
APHRODITE: Just. . .just over there. GALATEA:Notjustyet,Piggy-Poo.
(APHRODITE now moves around the
statueasifcastingaspell.) PYGMALION:Piggy-Poo?
Galatea,Galatea...comeintolife.
ComeandmakePygmalionawife! GALATEA:Cute,ha?IhadaChihuahua
Openyourears,openyoureyes. oncenamedPiggy-Poo.Ilovedthatlit-
Tastethebountyofburgersandfries! tleguy.NowInameallmypetsPiggy-
Galatea,Galatea...herestandsyour Poo.
man.
Goodluck,Galatea—I’vedonewhatI PYGMALION:MynameisPygmalion.
can!
(Loud crash of cymbals. APHRODITE GALATEA:Icouldn’tspellthatinamil-
andPYGMALIONgrimace.) lionyears,Piggy-Poo.
PYGMALION: Wow! When you cast a PYGMALION:Stopcallingmethat.And
spell,youcastaspell! can’t you talk with a bit more. . .
finesse?
APHRODITE: I guess I don’t know my
own strength! (GALATEA takes a GALATEA: Look, I’ve been hangin’
breath,thenstretches.) around you for a long time, Piggy-
Poo—and I picked up on a couple of
PYGMALION: Aphrodite, it worked! things.
She’salive!MydarlingGalatea’salive!
PYGMALION:Justasecond,Galatea!
APHRODITE:Yeah...she’sallyours.And
remember our deal. Never, ever call GALATEA:Hey,andwhilewe’reonthe
meagain.YoudoandZeuswillfixyour subjectofnames—
wagon.
PYGMALION: We’re not on the subject
PYGMALION:I’llneverneedtocallyou ofnames!
again.I’vegotmyGalatea!
GALATEA: I don’t like Galatea. It
APHRODITE(ToGALATEA):Goodluck, makesmesoundlikeacontinent.And
kid!(APHRODITEexitsright.) I may got strong legs, but I ain’t no
continent!
PYGMALION: Well, Galatea. Welcome
to your home. (GALATEA rises from PYGMALION:Whatwouldyouliketobe
the chair and stretches a bit. She then called?
doesafewkneebends,torsotwists,and
other annoying exercises.) What are GALATEA:Eliza.
youdoing?(GALATEAstopsexercising
MARCH 2015 7
PYGMALION: What kind of name is me:TheraininSpainstaysmainlyin
that? theplain.
GALATEA:It’scute.Andit’skindagota GALATEA (In an even thicker accent):
strongvibetoit. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the
plain.
PYGMALION:Oh,dear.
PYGMALION: No! Get the words out
GALATEA: Whatsa matter, Piggy-Poo? your mouth, not your nose. Air comes
You come sit down right here. fromhere!(Toucheshisstomacharea)
(GALATEA leads PYGMALION to the
chairshe’dsatin.Hesits.Shebeginsto GALATEA: That’s where the food goes.
massage his shoulders.) That’s right. Speakin’ of which, I’m starved! I’ve
Oh,my,butyouareawfullytense.You been stuck in that chair for months
just relax a bit, Piggy-Poo. Let Eliza’s andIcouldeatahorse!Yougotaspare
fingersdothewalking. horse?
PYGMALION(Giggling):You’retickling PYGMALION: We don’t eat horses. We
me!Stopit! ridethem.
GALATEA:It’sgoodtolaughabit,Piggy. GALATEA: Sounds like fun. Let’s do
that. Right after I eat. What do you
PYGMALION: Stop it! (PYGMALION eat,anyway?
jumpsoutofthechair.)
PYGMALION:Stuffedgrapeleaves.
GALATEA:Whatagrouch!
GALATEA: Yuck! (GALATEA moves
PYGMALION: Look, I think it would be right.)
helpful if I taught you how to pro-
nouncewordscorrectly,don’tyou? PYGMALION:Whereareyougoing?
GALATEA:What’swrongwiththewayI GALATEA:Ain’tthekitchenthisway?
say’em?
PYGMALION(Indicatingleft):Thisway.
PYGMALION:Well,everythingseemsto
becomingoutofyournose. GALATEA: You sure messed up on my
sense of direction! (GALATEA exits
GALATEA: Where are they supposed to left. PYGMALION tries to sneak off
comeout? right,butHOMERenters.)
PYGMALION:Yourmouth,propelledby HOMER: Tut, tut, tut! She’s all yours,
forcefromyourdiaphragm. Piggy-Poo.
GALATEA:Idon’tgotnodialgram. PYGMALION: I thought I created a
thingofbeauty!
PYGMALION: Diaphragm. And every-
bodyhasone. HOMER:SodidDr.Frankenstein.
GALATEA: I’m a chunk of marble, for GALATEA (Calling from off left): Hey,
cryingoutloud. Piggy-Poo,where’sthecilantro?Iwant
tomakeaburrito!
PYGMALION: Look, just repeat after
8 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com