Table Of Content\1i
I
Domination
& Submission:
TheBDSM
Relationship Handbook
MICHAEL NIAKAI
,/
Copyright© 2013Michael Makai
Allrights reserved.
ISBN: 1492775975
ISBN-13: 978-1492775973
DEDICATION
This book is for the people
who are simply tired of pretending to be
something or someone they are not,
and are ready for a change.
CONTENTS
lntro
Dedication
3
lntro
Preface
7
Intro
Acknowledgements
13
Chapter 1
The Dominant
15
Chapter 2
The Submissive
42
Chapter 3
The Switch
69
Chapter 4
The Primal
81
Chapter 5
Online BDSM Relationships
100
Chapter 6
The Collar
130
Chapter 7
The Gorean \Vay
150
Chapter 8
The First Meeting
182
Chapter 9
BDSM Toys and Safety
213
Chapter 10
BDSM Groups and Activities
303
Chapter 11
Sex, Love, D / s, & BDSM
324
Chapter 12
Polyamory
339
Chapter 13
D / s, BDS1\1, and Religion
363
Chapter 14
What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
388
Chapter 15
Rainbows and Unicoms
426
Appendix A
Glossary
432
Appendix B
SillyShit Makai Says
490
Appendix C
About the Author
495
Domination & Submission: The BDSMRelationship Handbook
All people dream, but not equally. Those
who dream by night in the dusty recessesof their mind,
wake in the morning to find that it was vanity.
But the dreamers of the day are dangerous people,
for they dream their dreams with open eyes,
and make them come true.
- - D. H. Lawrence
Preface
Don't read this book.
By that, I mean don'tjust read this book. Please ponder it. Question it.
Study it. Get mad about it. Laugh at it. Laugh with it. Use it. Abuse it.
Talk about it. Recommend it. Criticize it. Burn it. Gift it. Pass it along
to a friend. Do something with it.
This book is for those who may be either curious about the
Domination/submission lifestyle, or find themselves suddenly a part of it,
and needful of information to fill the gaps in their knowledge and
experience. Though written from the admittedly highly subjective
perspective ofa male heterosexual Dominant with over thirty years of
real-life experience in D/s relationships, great pains have been taken to
apply a modicum ofobjectivity to the endeavor.
It's probably important to state up-front that there is, always has been,
and always will be a great deal ofcontroversy both in and outside ofthe
D/s lifestyle about many ofthe topics discussed in this book. Frankly,
there is barely any consensus even on the question of whether
Domination/submission constitutes a "lifestyle" at all. Opinions on that
particular question range from the one extreme ofclassifying it as a
mental disorder and aberration, to the other ofelevating it to the status
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MICHAEL MAKAI
ofa faux religion or divine truth. The reality can be found somewhere in
the mushy middle, where this lifestyle is simply a choice between
consenting adults on one ofthe most important aspects ofany
relationship dynamic. We're talking, ofcourse, about the essential
question: who is reallyin chargeandwhat, exactly, does thatmean?
Note the very specific wording. When we say "really" in charge, we're
acknowledging a dirty little secret about human relationships in general.
Quite often - perhaps more often than we care to admit - the person who
thinkshe or she is in charge, reallyisn't. We will discuss that and
similar topics at length later in the book. Many ofthese questions will
open a large can ofworms that, frankly, many people would prefer to
keep closed and tucked away somewhere cool and dark.
We will also be exploring in depth a question that I consider to be the
core issue that is at the heart ofthe Domination/submission lifestyle.
That question is: Is D/s whoyou are, or is it somethingthatyou do? If
you have not yet asked yourselfthat question, and come up with an
acceptable answer, you may be getting just a little ahead ofyourself in
your quest for knowledge about the lifestyle. For the purposes ofthis
book, we will treat Domination/submission as a mindsetandrelationship
dynamic; certainly an important aspect ofwhoyou are. As we explore
further the mechanics ofwhatonedoes in this lifestyle, we will attempt
to consistently refer to that as BDSM, or Bondage Discipline Sadismand
Masochism.
Why should it be important to make the distinction? Consider the fact
that most people who are D/s at their core do not want to spend the rest
oftheir lives with someone who considers it a Saturday night kink that
can be discarded on a whim at some point in the future. Imagine the
horror ofa submissive who wakes up one morning to discover that the
Dominant she depends upon and worships as Lord and Master has
suddenly decided it's his turnto be the submissive. Unfortunately such
things can, anddo, happen with annoying regularity in the lifestyle.
I consider Domination/submission to be what happens in your head and
heart. It's all about howyou love, and how you express that love. BDSM
is more about what physicallyhappens between you and your partner or
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Domination & Submission: The BDSMRelationship Handbook
playmates. It's somethingyou do. Is there often a certain degree of
overlap? Ofcourse there is, all the time. In fact, for most people, the
more overlap the better. But there are also relationships where they can
be completely separate, and some people happen to like it that way. The
stereotypical 1950's television sitcom marriage that portrayed the
husband as king ofhis castle, and his spouse as a stay-at-home
submissive housewife who fretted about "ring around the collar" is
probably a good portrayal of how DIs can exist without BDSM.
How do you know whether you're dominant or submissive at your core?
The odds are actually pretty good that you are neither and, frankly,
there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. The great majority ofhuman
beings that inhabit this planet comprise the 80% or more who have an
equitable mixture ofboth dominant and submissive tendencies. Perhaps
10% have inherently dominant personalities, and another 10%
submissive personalities. One should always be careful about assuming
that a person's career choices or relationship dynamics reflect or define
their core personality. Quite often, submissive people are thrust into jobs
and relationships that require them to function in a dominant role. That's
not to say they find joy or fulfillment in it. Just because someone may be
good at being dominant doesn't necessarily mean they have to like it.
The same sort ofthing happens to dominant people who are required to
function as subordinates at work or in relationships.
We'll discuss various ways to help a person to determine their core DIs
personality type elsewhere in this book. As a general rule ofthumb, the
mere fact that you may be uncertain and questioning about your role
probably places you in that not-so-rare category that I like to call
"normal." Most people are perfectly comfortable assuming either role,
depending on the needs and appropriateness ofthe given situation. A
hard-wired or true Dominant knows no other way to be, and is often
profoundly uncomfortable assuming the role ofa submissive, under any
circumstances. Similarly, a hard-wired or true submissive would sooner
cut offher right arm than have to take on a dominant role. Ifneither of
those reactions sounds very familiar to you, then you're probably like
most people, meaning you fall somewhere between those two extremes.
If BDSM is a growing sexual fascination for you, or simply an
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MICHAEL MAKAI
opportunity for you and your partner to try something new and exciting,
that's perfectly okay. You can learn a lot from this book, and adopting
some BDSM interests and techniques can definitely be a healthy and
deliciously kinky way to spice up what otherwise might be a pretty
routine sex life. It is important, however, to know the difference
between a kink and a lifestyle, and to be honest about that with your
potential partners.
The Domination/submission lifestyle, like any other lifestyle choice, can
be a complex yet rewarding way to live ifyou and your potential
partner(s) are guided by similar values, follow familiar protocols, and
share the same vision. Conversely, your experience with the lifestyle can
end up being a train wreck ifyou fail to take inventory ofyour own
capacity to live in a D/s relationship, as well as your tolerance levels for
the great diversity ofexpression you'll encounter from others in this
lifestyle.
A Domination/submission relationship can be as comforting as a warm
blanket or as frightening as an unexpected encounter with a knife-
wielding stranger in a dark alley. It can be uplifting and empowering, or
it can be abusive and dangerous. It can bring great joy into your life, or
tremendous sadness. Ultimately, it will be whatever you and your
partner make of it. Ifyou fail, it won't be because there is something
wrong with the lifestyle. It will be because you were inadequately
prepared to live it.
That is why you should fully understand what you're getting into, why
you're doing it, and whether you are suited for it. It is only after those
key questions have been answered, that you should be at all concerned
with whether or not you might be any good at it.
A final caveat, which I feel compelled to make before you read much
further, would be to explain my conscious decision to dispense with the
practice offootnoting all factoids and their sources. I am a firm believer
in the words offinancial wizard Bernard Baruch, who once quipped,
"Every man has a right to his own opinion, but no man has a right to be
wrong in his facts." I have gone to great lengths to be as meticulous as
possible in researching and validating the facts, statistics and data that
10
Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook
I've cited in this book. I've also shared many of my personal opinions
and anecdotes, which I always attempt to identify as such. The
controversial topic and treatment ofmy first book, published in 2012
under a pseudonym, taught me an extremely valuable lesson. That book
was painstakingly researched, heavily footnoted, and meticulously
researched from the most credible and authoritative sources available. In
the end, that simply didn't matter.
Readers who were predisposed to agree with my world-view ignored the
thirty-plus pages offootnotes. Conversely, readers who held differing
views from mine seemed all too willing and eager to automatically
dismiss any source ofdata that supported an opposing point ofview as
being non-credible. Consequently, the notes which were provided as an
expression of my earnest desire to be scrupulously accurate and
transparent in my research became, instead, nothing more than a
distraction and liability.
The lesson I learned from that experience was this: The measure ofa
book's success isn't found in its footnotes, it can only be found in its
utility.
Ifyou find the information contained in the pages ofthis book to
be useful to you, then that is a very good thing. In that case, I would
recommend that you put that information to work at making your
relationships more fulfilling, and your life better. I would also ask you to
recommend or give the book to your friends and relatives who might
derive some benefit from it.
If, on the other hand, you don't much like the facts and statistics that I've
presented in this book, or ifyou strongly disagree with my admittedly
unique lifestyle perspective, that's perfectly okay too. You are certainly
entitled to your own opinions, if not your own set oifacts. I would
encourage you, ifyou're any good at articulating your thoughts and are
ready to write a best-selling book, to give me a call. Maybe I can help
you out.
The bottom line is I hope you will enjoy reading this book as much as I
enjoyed writing it, and that you will feel that the price you paid for it was
money well-spent.
II
ACKNOWI..EDGMENTS
I want to express my undying gratitude to
the very special people in my life who helped make this
book possible. You believed in me, even when I found
it hard to believe in myself. You encouraged, cajoled, and
cheered me when I needed it most. You put up with my grump.
You are my synergist, muse, and inspiration.
Thank you so very much.
13
"We are defined by how we use our power."
- - GerrySpence, The RatHole (2003)
CHAPTER 1: THE DOMINANT
What is a Dominant?
Just as we might expect any reasonable discussion of the solarsystem to
focus first upon our sun,we're going to begin our examination of
Domination/submission (D/s) relationships by taking a look at the self-
appointed center of the D/s universe, the Dominant. In any
relationship, it is always the interplay of personalities that helps us to
understand the true nature of the relationship dynamic at work. It isn't
so much about what happens inside of their heads, as it is about what
happens betweenthe partners in the relationship. This is very much the
case in a D/s relationship, where the true expression of one's core
personality is enhanced by a partner who not only understands it, but
encourages it and thrives upon it. After all, it's hard to be a leader
without a follower, and vice-versa.
In this chapter, we will explore the part that the Dominant plays in this
little waltz. Some of the questions we'll.address are: What is a
Dominant? What drives a Dominant? How does someone know if he or
she is a Dominant? How does one approach, or please a Dominant?
What are the risks and drawbacks of being a Dominant, or being
involved with one? We'll discussthose, and other relevant questions,
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MICHAEL MAKAI
because at the risk of appearing to contradict what I've just said in the
preceding paragraph, it is important to understand what is going on
inside of a Dominant's head as a precursor to understanding what
occurs between a Dominant and his or her submissive.
Knowing a Dominant's heart and mind can often be a difficult thing. A
Dominant, generally speaking, does not appreciate being
psychoanalyzed, categorized, or labeled. The reason can be simply
stated thusly: Scientia potentia est. Knowledge is power. For a
Dominant, life is all about power, in one form or another. It needn't
always be about power over other people. Sometimes, it can be as
simple as the power to control or change his own life circumstances, to
alter his environment, or to choose his own path.
If you really want to learn about a person's true character, the part of
him that stays safely tucked away from view most of the time, just give
him a little power. There is no faster, nor more accurate way to see
what lies buried beneath the public veneer. You've no doubt seen what
happens to petty bureaucrats when they're given just a little bit of
power. Various university psychological experiments have shown that
when individuals are given the power to anonymously administer
electrical shocks to another individual, they quickly become increasingly
and surprisingly cruel in doing so. Just imagine what can happen when
someone is handed absolute power over another human being. The
results are often not very pretty.
How does one avoid that ugly and potentially dangerous possibility?
One way is to learn the difference between a true Dominant and a
pretender. A pretender is someone who is simply infatuated with the
notion that having absolute power over another human being for the
first time in his miserable, powerless life might be really cool. If you're a
submissive who would prefer to avoid becoming an unwitting part of
someone's tragically warped, doomed-from-the-start psycho-social
experiment, avoid the pretenders.
Before we go any further, let's clarify some terminology.
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Domination & Submission: The BOSM Relationship Handbook
Throughout this book, I'll often refer to a Dominant as "he"and a
submissive as "she". Pleasebe assured that this is not the result of any
gender bias, but simply a way to avoid the awkward and clunky "heor
she"- or even worse, the grammatically incorrect "they." It is also done
out of recognition that, in a purely statistical sense, Dominants are far
more likely to be male, and submissives to be female. Additionally,
society generally characterizes dominance and submission as male and
female traits, respectively. I really am fully aware and appreciative of
the many good people both in and out of the lifestyle who defy the
stereotypes. I am a wordsmith, and my job is to connect with an
audience with a predominantly vanilla perspective. For those who may
not have heard the term used in this context before, vanilla is the word
used by those in the DIs lifestyle to describe those outside of it.
You'll also see me using the terms "trueDominant" or "true submissive."
This will probably infuriate some folks, especially those who may be
unsure or insecure about their place on the Dominant-submissive
spectrum. Please remember that the great majority of people fall
somewhere in the middle, with a rather equitable mix of both Dominant
and submissive tendencies and character traits. That's perfectly normal
and acceptable, even in this culture that sometimes views normalcy as
abhorrent. There's no crime in being a lot like the great majority of
humanity.
A very tiny percentage of people will find themselves at either extreme
of the scale,feeling not just more comfortable there, but profoundly
uncomfortable with the mere thought of being anywhere else. That
isn't to say that they can't function in roles outside of their core DIs
orientation; just that doing so brings them no sense of joy or fulfillment.
For some, working or living counter to their core DIs orientation brings
them a great deal of emotional stress and makes them want to escape
to their inner happyplace all the more. So,how does one spot the "true
Dominant" in a world where people often change their roles the way we
change our socks? The answer lies in that emotional stress and happy
place.
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MICHAEL MAKAI
Everyone experiences stress. It's an integral part of life, and completely
unavoidable. In many ways, we are defined by how we handle that
stress and by how we process it. Imagine the difference between how
you might expect an optimist to handle stress, versus how you might
expect a pessimist to handle the same stressful situation. Imagine
further how surprised you might be if a good friend, who always
seemed cheerful and optimistic on the surface, inexplicably shifts into
"doom and gloom" mode whenever the crapola hits the fan. Doesthat
sound like anyone you know? If so, then you've experienced first-hand
the phenomenon we're talking about.
Your friend operates one way on the surface, when things are going the
way they should, and another way below the surface, when things
aren't going quite so well. While we may sometimes refer to this as
seeing someone "freak' out," in reality, what you're seeing is simply a
caseof someone reverting to type. At a certain point, under extreme
duress, a person no longer cares what anyone thinks and they abandon
their carefully crafted facade and fall back upon their core coping
strategy. Sometimes that core personality characteristic is in sync with
their public persona and sometimes it isn't. Frankly, being in sync isn't
really all that important to our purposes. My sole purpose in calling
your attention to it is so you can apply what we'll call the First
Commandment of Dis Relationships: Know Thyself.
Knowing yourself is the singularly most important thing you must
accomplish before even considering entering into a Dis relationship or
adopting a BOSM lifestyle. Again, let me be clear about this. There is a
huge difference between the BDSM activities that are a casual part of
the Saturday night kink that spices up your sex life, versus entering into
a Dis relationship or adopting it as a way oflife. There's nothing wrong
with either, but you should just be sure never to confuse the two, and
ensure that when you transition from one to the other, that you do it
with your eyesopen.
So, how well do you know yourself? Are you a true Dominant? What
makes you think so? Are Dominants born that way, or can someone be
18
