Does Wednesday mean mom's house or dad's? : parenting together while living apart

258 Pages·2008·0.71 MB·English

by  Marc J Ackerman

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“Does
Wednesday
Mean
Mom’s House
or Dad’s ?”
Parenting Together
While Living Apart
SECOND EDITION
M A R C J . A C K E R M A N
John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
iii
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Copyright ⃝C 2008 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved.
Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.
Published simultaneously in Canada.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:
Ackerman, Marc J.
Does Wednesday mean mom’s house or dad’s? : parenting together while living
apart / by Marc J. Ackerman. – 2nd ed.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-0-470-12753-7 (pbk.)
1. Parenting, Part-time–United States. 2. Divorce–United States–Psychological aspects.
3. Children of divorced parents–United States. 4. Children of divorced parents–United
States–Psychology. I. Title.
HQ755.8.A25 2008
′
649 .1–dc22 2008001382
Printed in the United States of America.
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
iv
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This Book is
Dedicated to:
Aaron, Adam, Alexandra, Amy, Andrea, Angela, Anthony, Bran-
don, Brian, Caitlin, Cameron, Casey, Christian, Christina, Chris-
tine, Christopher, Chuck, Daniel, David, Elizabeth, Eric, Evan,
Grant, Jamie, Janine, Jason, Jennifer, Jonathan, Jordan, Joseph,
Julia, Katherine, Kelly, Kenneth, Kevin, Lawrence, Lindsey, Marcy,
Mary, Maureen, Megan, Melissa, Michael, Patrick, Raymond,
Robert, Ryan, Scott, Shannon, Stacy, Todd, Vincent, William. . .
This book is dedicated to the above-named children and to
all other children who have been forced to endure their parents’
fighting for years about custody-related issues. To those, and all
others, whose parents believe that winning is more important than
the well-being of their children, I hope you overcome these obsta-
cles, and best wishes to you.
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Contents
Preface xiii
Acknowledgments xvii
Chapter 1 A House Divided 1
Facts about Divorce 2
Chapter 2 Moving Ahead:
Telling Children about Your Divorce 13
Concrete Thinkers in an Abstract Situation 17
When Your Child Is No Longer a Child 24
Academic Performance 26
Boys and Girls React Differently 26
Adjustments Abound 28
Mourning the End of a Marriage 29
vii
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viii CONTENTS
Not Enough Hours in the Day, Not Enough
Friends in the World 32
One Magical Wish 34
Chapter 3 Custody Options:
The Best Interest of the Child 35
Joint versus Sole Custody 37
Chronic Mental Illness Leads to a Topsy-Turvy
World 39
Active Alcoholism or Other Drug Abuse and
Children Don’t Mix 41
Physical or Sexual Abuse: Confounding
Dilemmas 42
Violating Orders, Communication Failure,
Obstructing Visits 43
Endangering Your Children 44
Separate Lives under One Roof, Then the Great
Divide 46
Giving Up Placement 48
Grandparents: Help or Hindrance 49
Chapter 4 Navigating the Legal Waters 51
Finding an Attorney 51
Don’t Be Attracted by Unrealistic
Promises 55
Avoid “Hired Guns” and “Dirty Tricks”
Attorneys 56
Switching Attorneys 58
Telling Your Story in Court 59
Acting as Your Own Attorney 60
Mediation as a First Step 61
Collaboration 64
Arbitration 68
The Court Process 69
Custody Disputes 72
The Guardian ad Litem 72
The Custody Study 76
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Contents ix
Custody Evaluation 76
To Supervise or Not to Supervise 83
Relocation Cases 85
Going Back to Court 88
Chapter 5 Two of Everything?
Dealing with the Practicalities of
Placement and Custody 93
Placement of Young Children 96
The Ackerman Plan 98
Bad Schedules 100
General Rules 101
Separating Children 105
Uninterrupted Time 106
Different Cities: Creating a Placement
Road Map 107
Making Things Work under New Rules 109
The Master Schedule 109
The Parenting Plan 111
Visits and Flexibility Work Hand in Hand 114
Dividing Property with an Eye on Details 119
Parents’ Rights 121
College Education 125
Religious Training 126
Phone Calls 127
Presents 129
Vacations 129
Finances 130
Parents Working after a Divorce 131
Chapter 6 How to Parent Apart 132
The Family Conference: Increasing Avenues of
Communication 133
A United Front 134
Making Placements Better 134
Power to the Children 138
Children as Coequals 139
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x CONTENTS
Sleeping Arrangements 140
Children in the Middle 140
A Different Sort of Communication 143
Fighting in Front of the Children 144
Where to Live 146
Problems with the Other Parent 147
Parents Who Won’t Visit 148
Lack of Cooperation 149
Chapter 7 Maltreatment 152
Physical Abuse 154
Who Will Be the Abusers? 154
Proving Abuse 156
Consequences of Childhood Physical
Abuse 157
Family/Domestic Violence 159
Domestic Violence and Custody 161
To Stay or Not to Stay: Is That Your
Quandary? 164
Emotional/Psychological Abuse 165
Sexual Abuse 167
Who Are the Sexual Abusers? 169
Evaluating Sexual Abuse 169
If You Think Your Child Has Been
Sexually Abused 170
Sexual Abuse Allegations: True or False? 172
Devastating Effects of Sexual Abuse 176
Warnings!!!!!!! 181
Chapter 8 The Only Certainty in Life
Is Change 183
Move-Away Placement Plan 186
Longer Lasting Reactions 187
A Plan to Make Everyone Feel Better 188
The Challenge of Additional Adjustments 188
Remarriage 192
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Contents xi
The Role of the Stepparent 194
Disciplining Children 195
Cementing Relationships 197
The Other Extended Family 197
Change as Children Grow Older 198
Chapter 9 Custody Do’s and Don’ts 200
A Boy Named Chris 201
Custody Do’s 207
Custody Don’ts 217
Chapter 10 Resources Abound 224
Psychiatrists 225
Psychologists 226
Social Workers 228
Professional Organizations 229
Current Resources on Child Custody/Divorce
231
Index 241
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Preface
Divorce is one of the most difficult transitions you will ever make
in your life. It is a dramatic, time-consuming, frustrating, stress-
ful process, which leaves many adults reeling from the extreme
changes it creates in their lives. Swings in financial and social sta-
tus, emotional upheaval and grief over failed expectations and the
loss of the marriage partner have a tremendous effect on lives.
As difficult as divorce is for adults, it has the potential to be
absolutely devastating for children. Divorce impacts all children,
regardless of age. It shatters their underlying security and throws
them into a state of limbo because from one day to the next they
don’t know what to expect from life or from their parents. They
feel as if they can count on nothing and no one.
Depending upon their age, children experience guilt, believ-
ing the divorce is their fault; anger sometimes bordering on out-
right rage; sadness; confusion; and a sense of helplessness that
xiii
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xiv PREFACE
makes them anxious, forlorn and frightened. They even have
bouts of feeling abandoned and rejected, especially when one par-
ent moves out of the home. Divorce adversely affects their school
work, method of play and even their health.
As the divorce and custody processes unfold (they are insep-
arable if you have children), children’s emotions and reactions to
their situations change. These swings generally dissipate as some
of their fears are alleviated. For example, when a child feels aban-
doned because mom or dad has moved out, over the course of
the next few weeks or months, if that child sees that you are still
around through planned visits, that you can still help with home-
work, play basketball and so on, the feelings of abandonment and
rejection normally disappear.
The extent to which your child is affected by divorce depends
largely on you. You are the operative figure in this picture, but you
are not the most important person to be considered in it, even
though you and/or your spouse are responsible for triggering the
process. If you have children, they are the single most important
considerations in the divorce and custody processes.
Most separations or divorces occur when children are under
the age of 12 and are still concrete thinkers, meaning they don’t
understand all the subtleties and underlying influences on such
abstract things as falling in and out of love. Many occurrences
must be explained to them, even things, which as an adult you
may not see the need to explain. Children can be made more
comfortable at each stage of the divorce and custody processes if
you tell them specifically what you expect to happen and how it
will happen.
How and what you tell them and under what circumstances
is critical to the way they react to the information and accept or
reject it. For example, it is okay for children to know that the sepa-
ration is taking place because you and the other parent don’t love
each other anymore. However, it is not necessary but destructive
to go through small details about affairs or other problems.
It is important for you to consistently assure your children
that although you and your spouse have fallen out of love, you
have not fallen out of love with them. Explain to them that the
love bond between children and their parents occurs at birth and
that it will last throughout their lives, that you will not unlearn to
love them.