Table Of ContentDivorce
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A
Change of Heart
Will Save Your Marriage
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Divorce
Answer
Not
the
Is
A
Change of Heart
Will Save Your Marriage
George
S.
Pransky, Ph.D.
Human
Services Institute
Bradenton, Florida
TAB BOOKS
TAB
Blue Ridge Summit. PA
FIRST EDITION
THIRD PRINTING
©
1990 by George S. Pransky.
Published by HSI and TAB Books.
TAB Books is a division of McGraw-Hill, Inc.
Printed In the United States of America. All rights reserved. The publisher
takes no responsibility forthe use of any ofthe materials or methods described
in this book, nor for the products thereof.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publlcation Data
Pransky, George S.
Divorce is not the answer you can save your marriage / George S.
:
Pransky, Ph.D.
cm.
p.
Includes index.
ISBN 0-8306-3583-1
(p)
1. Marriage—Psychological aspects. I. Title.
HQ734.P835 1990
306.81—dc20 90-37939
CIP
TAB Books offers software for sale. For information and a catalog, please
contact TAB Software Department, Blue Ridge Summit, PA 17294-0850.
Questions regarding the content of this book should be addressed to;
Human Services Institute, Inc.
P.O. Box 14610
Bradenton, FL 34280
Development Editor: Dr. Lee Marvin Joiner
Cover Design: Lori E. Schlosser
Cover Photograph: Susan Riley, Harrisonburg, VA 22801 HSI
Dedication
I
dedicate this book to my wife Linda. Her inspiration and
encouragement made this book possible. Her love and com-
panionship woke me up to the possibilities that exist in marriage.
Acknowledgments
tSydney Banks inspired the understanding that was worth writing
about. My clients and colleagues gave me the rich experience base
to draw upon. I thank my family and friends for their proofing and
helpful comments. Thanks to Lindy Tobin for the hours she spent
me A
teaching about writing. special thanks to Carline Hall Otis
my
for her brilliant editing skills that brought out the essence of
message. Thanks also to Dr. Lee Marvin Joiner for his openness,
patience and insights on content, structure and style.
Contents
Preface—How My Marriage Was Saved
vii
The Power of a Change ofHeart xi
A
1 Fresh Start 1
2 Compatibility is Only a Thought Away 8
3 Communication—When You Need It, It Won’t Work 21
4 Moods—The Key to Understanding People 27
5 Emotions—Master or Servant? 37
6 Compassion or Resentment—The Choice Is Yours 48
A
7 Dissatisfaction— Mental Illness 57
8 Effortless, Permanent Change—Possibility or Pipedream? 66
9 Bringing Out the Best in People 77
10 Don’t Deal with Problems—Transcend Them 91
11 The Source of Conflict—No One Will Ever See
the World You See 104
12 Exit Excitement, Enter Love—Levels of Relationships 114
13 It’s Never Too Late to Get a Fresh Start 127
14 Intimacy—Plain and Simple 141
15 Commitment—Self-Sacrifice or Self-Serving? 148
16 Summary 154
Resources 155
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Preface
How My Was
Marriage Saved
During the first three years of our relationship, my wife and I
struggled. We argued, we tried to change each other and we tried
to compromise. We made agreements, and we communicated
fully. Nothing worked. It seemed the more we "worked” on our
relationship, the farther apart we grew.
We We
got discouraged. went to counselors and friends, only
to find they were struggling with these same problems.
We
were in the helping profession doing seminars for
professionals and the public on communication and awareness
skills. Yet all the latest technology of the human potential
movement in California in the 1970s could not keep our own
relationship afloat.
Fortunately for us, we met someone who woke us up about
relationships. This man was theosopher/author Syd Banks.^ The
first time we saw Syd, he was speaking in a large meeting room.
In the audience there were at least ten happy couples. Ten happy
couples were more happy couples than we had seen in our lives!
After the meeting, we talked with some of them. They were
very intimate and relaxed. It was obvious that they enjoyed
themselves and each other. They said all the couples there had a
^ Syd Banks is the author of Second Chance and In Quest of
A
the Pearl (Surfside Publishing, Division of Duval-Bibb Publish-
ing Co., Tampa, Florida, 1989).
viii / Preface
history of conflict that had turned around when they began
hstening to Syd.
We went to the next talk and this time we really listened. Syd
suggested that positivity and understanding were the keys to
He
successful relationships. said through happiness, the so-called
"problems" of your relationship would take care of themselves.
I was convinced, however, that if Syd knew our relationship,
he would consider us an exception to what he was espousing. Yet
I could see his message was helping people. Maybe what he was
saying would help us.
We We
It did. eased off trying to change each other. began to
enjoy and appreciate each other. This became a way of life, and
our old habit of struggling fell away. Our relationship turned
around from continually getting worse despite our efforts, to
continuously improving without the need for our efforts. This book
is inspired by our turnaround. If it could happen for us, it could
happen to any relationship. All took was understanding. The
it
understanding that helped us is spelled out in this book.
When couples come in for counseling they don’t really want
to learn how to cope. They want an easy, satisfying relationship.
Coping, strugghng and compromise have appeal only in a world
that has lost sight of effortless, harmonious relationships. Unfor-
timately, this is such a world. The understanding level in relation-
ships is so low that struggle, coping and divorce are the norm. The
current thinking about relationships is laden with myths that lead
people toward marital discord.
This book speaks to thirteen of the most prevalent and
A
misleading myths. more productive view of relationships is
offered as an alternative to each myth. Case studies and other
support materials illustrate the myths and their alternatives.
Our clinical experience has taught us which relationship issues
are most difficult for people. This book could properly be subtitled
"The ideas, metaphors and vignettes that have proven most useful
to the clients we have helped."
One editor of my manuscript suggested I tone down the case
studies. He felt they had "unrealistically" happy endings. The case
studies are based on actual clinical cases. The clients’ responses
are real. If you think these responses are "umealistic," you are
