Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again

247 Pages·1993·4.79 MB·English

by  Michele Weiner-Davis

THE N A T I O N A L B E S T S E L L E R
A STEP-BY-STEP
APPROACH TO MAKING
YOUR MARRIAGE
LOVING AGAIN
I
MARRIAGE-SAVING TECHNIQUES THAT:
•GET RESULTS WITHIN A MONTH
•FOCUS ON SOLUTIONS, NOT PROBLEMS
•CAN BE USED ALONE OR WITH YOUR SPOUSE
MICHELE WEINER-DAVIS
ALSO BY MICHELE WEINER-DAVIS
In Search of Solutions: A New Direction in Psychotherapy .
(with William Hudson O'Hanlon)

* •!*
r- n n » » m i *#*•
B
FIRESIDE
Rockefeller Center
1230 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York 10020
Copyright © 1992 by Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, CSW
All rights reserved
including the right of reproduction
in whole or in part in any form.
First Fireside edition 1993
FIRESIDE*afrfd ^J^hori^ rfegilt^red trademarks
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Designed by C^rla^V|i|e /Levavi & Levavi
Manufacture®In the United States of America
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21 23 25 27 29 30 28 26 24 22 Pbk.
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data
Weiner-Davis, Michele.
Divorce busting : a revolutionary and rapid program for staying
together / Michele Weiner-Davis.
p. c.m.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
1. Marriage. 2. Interpersonal relations. 3. Communication in
marriage. 4. Marital psychotherapy. I. Title.
HQ734.W4373 1992
646.7'8—dc20 91-34520
CIP
ISBN: 0-671-72598-x
ISBN: 0-671-79725-5 Pbk.
To my mother, father, and two brothers.
To my children, Danielle and Zachary, who continually remind
me of what's important in life.
Most of all, to my husband, Jim, whose never-ending support,
charitable ear, down-to-earth advice, and painstaking editorial
suggestions made this book a reality. He selflessly nurtured me
during my intense year-long affair with writing and did so with­
out complaining. The gift of his friendship has not gone unno­
ticed or unappreciated.

Acknowledgments
Although only one name appears on the book’s cover, many peo­
ple have generously contributed their time to making this book a
reality. I am fortunate to have colleagues, friends, and family who
have provided support and/or insightful feedback on the manu­
script, such as George Enns, Eve Lipchik, Tony Heath, Rich Si­
mon, Mike Nichols, Suzanne Barrows, and Diane Woodruff. A
special thanks to Mike Nichols for having spread good rumors
about my work.
I am also extremely appreciative of my colleagues at the Amer­
ican Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, particularly
Diane Sollee and Virginia Rutter, for their support and for pro­
viding me with the opportunity to “spread the word.”
In addition, there are many colleagues who have greatly influ­
enced my thinking during the years I’ve been practicing therapy.
The staff at the Brief Family Therapy Center has been one such
major influence. I especially want to thank Steve de Shazer, who
taught me to be “simple-minded.” He undoubtedly inspired many
ideas presented throughout this book.
In particular, I am grateful to Arnold Woodruff for his intel­
lectual support and friendship, for his never-ending assistance
with the manuscript and, most important, for his not allowing me
to take myself (or anything else for that matter) too seriously. I am
lucky to have numerous family members cheering for me. Stand­
ing in front of the cheering crowd are Leah and Bill Davis and
Lila Weiner, all of whom I love dearly.
My clients are also owed special gratitude. They have allowed
me to become an intimate part of their lives and placed their faith
in my ability to help them improve their marriages. By so doing,
they have taught me a tremendous amount about helping couples
change. For this, I am greatly indebted.
I want to thank Suzanne Gluck, my talented literary agent, for
navigating my way through the publishing maze. Finally, special
thanks to Laura Yorke, my patient editor, for her enthusiasm
about my ideas even before the manuscript was a twinkle in my
eyes, for providing insightful editorial comments and, most of all,
for tolerating me.

Contents
Introduction: Love the One You’re With 11
PART ONE 23
CHAPTER 1: Divorce Is Not the Answer 25
CHAPTER 2: Illusions Leading to Dis-solutions 37
CHAPTER 3: What Solution-Oriented Brief Therapy
Is and How It Can Help You—Fast 65
PART TWO 97
CHAPTER 4: It Takes One to Tango: Change Your
Marriage by Changing Yourself 99
CHAPTER 5: Making a Habit of It: Identifying
Patterns That Work 117
CHAPTER 6: Breaking the Habit: Interrupting
Destructive Patterns 141
CHAPTER 7: Make Yourself Happy for a Change 185
PART THREE 203
CHAPTER 8: Keeping the Changes Going 205
CHAPTER 9: Is Working on My Marriage Working? 218
CHAPTER 10: Parting Words 231
Selected Bibliography 235
Recommended Reading 239
Index 241