Divorce and Loss: Helping Adults and Children Mourn When a Marriage Comes Apart

186 Pages·2014·1.86 MB·English

by  Joshua Ehrlich

Divorce and Loss

Divorce and Loss
Helping Adults and Children Mourn
When a Marriage Comes Apart
Joshua Ehrlich
ROWMAN&LITTLEFIELD
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Copyright©2014byRowman&Littlefield
Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedinanyformorbyany
electronicormechanicalmeans,includinginformationstorageandretrievalsystems,
withoutwrittenpermissionfromthepublisher,exceptbyareviewerwhomayquote
passagesinareview.
BritishLibraryCataloguinginPublicationInformationAvailable
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Ehrlich,Joshua.
Divorceandloss:helpingadultsandchildrenmournwhenamarriagecomesapart/JoshuaEhrlich.
pagescm
Includesbibliographicalreferencesandindex.
ISBN978-1-4422-3181-8(cloth:alk.paper)--ISBN978-1-4422-3182-5(electronic)
1.Divorce--Psychologicalaspects.2.Loss(Psychology)3.Families--Psychology.4.Familypsycho-
therapy.I.Title.
HQ814.E392014
306.89--dc23
2014005981
TMThepaperusedinthispublicationmeetstheminimumrequirementsofAmerican
NationalStandardforInformationSciencesPermanenceofPaperforPrintedLibrary
Materials,ANSI/NISOZ39.48-1992.
PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica
Contents
Acknowledgments vii
Introduction ix
PartI:DIVORCEANDMOURNING 1
1 TheLossesinDivorce 3
2 Mourning 11
3 FailuresofMourning 23
4 BreakdownsinConnectionbetweenParentsandChildren
aroundDivorce 35
5 EntanglementwiththeEx-Spouse:ItsImpactonChildren 51
6 TheEffectsonAdolescentsofParents’Difficultiesin
NavigatingDivorce 63
PartII:INTERVENING 71
7 BearingFeelings,FacilitatingMourning 73
8 WorkingwithParentsTogethertoHelpChildren 83
9 HelpingParentsBridgetheDividewithTheirChildren 97
10 WorkingwithParentsintheHigh-ConflictDivorce 113
11 IndividualTherapywithChildrenandAdolescentsDealingwith
Divorce 133
12 IndividualTherapywithAdultsDealingwithDivorce 149
References 159
Index 165
v
vi Contents
AbouttheAuthor 171
Acknowledgments
Iamgratefultomymanyfriendsandcolleagueswhosupportedthisventure.
I specifically would like to thank my dear friend Hernan Drobny for his
feedback,especiallyhispushingmetomakethewritingmoreuser-friendly.I
alsoamgratefultoMichaelSingerandMaryWhiteside,expertsinchildren,
families, and divorce, whose generous and incisive feedback provided both
guidance and reassurance. Mary Brady, Rebecca Sestili, and Salman Akhtar
eachplayedanimportantsupportiveroleintheearlystagesofthisproject.
This is a book in significant part about loss, and I want to acknowledge
three people in my life whom I lost too early. Neil Kalter, my mentor in
divorce-related work, blended tough-mindedness and tenderness in a way
that continues to serve as a model. Joshua Newberg, my college friend,
remains a presence in my mind. My mother’s commitment to writing—as a
poet, an editor, and reader—serves as an inspiration. I do not think it is a
coincidencethattwoofmysistersandIwerewritingbooksatthesametime.
IamgratefultoAmyKingandRowman&Littlefieldfortheirconfidence
in this project. Elyssa Shea provided helpful research assistance. Cindy Hy-
den toiled for many hours with me in revising and refining this book. I
appreciate her attention to the nuances of language as well as the book’s
“architecture.”
My son-in-law, Dirk Scheidt, has been a steady and loving presence
throughout the writing of this book, as have my father and three sisters. My
belovedchildren,AnnaandAlexi,pressedmeforyearstowrite.Iamdeeply
grateful to them for their encouragement and their love. Above all, I am
gratefultomywife,Lena,forhersteadfastlove,herwisdom,andhersupport
duringeventhemosttryingmoments.Noneofthiswouldhavebeenpossible
withouther.
vii

Introduction
In my clinical work over twenty-five years with hundreds of divorcing and
post-divorce families, I have found that family members must embark on
mourning processes in response to the many losses of divorce if they are
going to move on with their lives. Understanding individuals’ disturbing
feelings about separation and loss—and their defenses against these feel-
ings—is a key step to understanding the dilemmas our patients bring to our
offices, be they depressed adults unable to come to terms with a divorce,
enraged adults spoiling for a fight, children who are heartbroken that their
parents have divorced, or parents who can no longer connect with them.
Johnston and Campbell (1988) observe that the literature on divorce is per-
meated by descriptions of the “loss and the recovery process as one akin to
mourning” (p. 102). I am suggesting here that the loss and recovery process
followingdivorceisnot“akin”tomourning,butrepresentsanactualmourn-
ing process. While many authors cite the role of mourning in divorce, none
provide a detailed explication of the mourning process or give it the stature
thatIdoinframingthepsychologicalreactionstodivorceanditsimportance
indetermininginterventions.
Afteradivorce,somepeopleareabletoreconstitutetheirlivesandmove
on. Others never recover. How can we understand that phenomenon? I will
do so by examining the defenses people employ to manage the painful feel-
ingsandinternalconflictsstimulatedbyseparationandloss,andbyaddress-
inghowthesedefenseseitherallowforconstructivemourningorobstructit.
We will see that it is people’s capacity to bear sorrow, hurt, and guilt that
allows them to move forward and re-engage with relationships and other
ventures.Intheabsenceofthatcapacity,peopleareunabletomournandcan
becomeparalyzedemotionally.
ix